Writing Myself as Resistance - Day 39

Last night I started a handful of blog posts and scrapped them and so I saw that I was experiencing some kind of resistance within and as myself, and in keeping with the commitment I made here, I decided to write SF on this resistance. However, right when I was ready to publish I noticed that my next DIP Lite lesson was available, and I noticed that it seemed pertinent to this very topic, so I decided to wait until after I had completed that lesson to see what I could glean from it for this post and vice versa. Yesterday was my birthday so my evening plans interfered with completing this task when it was available. So I have just completed my DIP Lite lesson and have realized that it is pertinent, but not as pertinent as I had initially thought when I opened it and skimmed the content last night. So now I will post what I had written last night, and a little later today I will get to the content of the DIP Lite lesson which addresses some other pertinent points within self-judgments.

--

First: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self-honest in my writing process and in my publishing, to where I actually published the following SF last night and then reverted to draft after seeing that my DIP Lite assignment was available, seeing this as an opportunity to make this post "better" and "more interesting," judging this post as "not good enough." I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in aspects of this process at some times to where, for example, when I opened up my DIP Lite assignment, I saw the words "judgment" and "resistance" and assumed that it would thus be directly pertinent to the judgment and resistance I had been experiencing and so I backtracked and thus edited myself and my presentation of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within my writing process even as I am writing about self-judgment. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to really see myself as myself but only as concepts and ideas and not as who I am to where I can write out concepts and ideas and not realize that I am in that moment engaging within and as those very concepts and ideas, where here I wrote about self-judgment and then judged myself.

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience resistance and to try to write through this resistance within self-honesty, attempting to look at myself as if I am not this resistance and as if I can see myself clearly through this resistance.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to write myself through and AS my experience of resistance, wherein I am my resistance and to write myself would be to write my resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within my writing process when and as I face resistance. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my resistance and to separate myself from my writing process within this buffer of judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to write grandiose posts about concepts that I do not self-honestly sense that I understand or grasp.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to take on points that are not in front of me, or try to take on points in writing conclusive definitive posts about them when I do not yet understand them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get excited about certain topics and to decide to publish them prematurely before I have really considered them within self-honesty and understood them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get excited about certain topics and to decide to write about / publish them when there are more pertinent daily living topics that need to be addressed/faced within myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see the equal value between the topics about which I am "excited" and the topics which seem "boring" but are pertinent to my daily lived experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to understand points through and as my mind, constructing ideas and concepts within the confines of what I know within my mind and not as my breath within self-honesty and common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the materials of my mind and build up ideas with those materials such that they are constructions of my mind that hold no real foundation in reality in the physical in my breath.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to follow-through on some of the self-support that I designed for myself wherein when and as I see myself facing a point that I do not understand, I research it and investigate/explore it rather than trying to write some definitive conclusive post about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want / need answers.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to write exploratory posts more often, wherein I can ask myself questions and write myself on the page to see myself without needing to have answers or needing to "like" what I see.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to actually really BREATHE, to utilize my BREATH in and as resistance, in and as confusion, in and as my experiences of myself, in all moments.