This post is a continuation of looking at a conversation I had with my mom about a job-related decision I am facing that developed into a conversation about how I view and judge myself more generally.
Building Self-Support: self-trust, thoughts, and expectations: conversation with my mom part 1 - Day 24
Building Self-Support: conversation with my mom part 2 - Day 25
I pointed out to my mom how it is pretty incredible that my old job is probably still available to me, but it is not at all fair. I have been replaced: someone else has already been given my job. Fairness would be for me to work another position, maybe even at another store, maybe not even full-time. I gave up my right to my job. My mom suggested that within this then we live out of gratitude. Do we? Or do we participate in what's fair? I don't know, here. If I choose not to take back my old job, I can uphold what is "fair" to where this new person gets to keep the new position he has been promised and given. Or I can use the fact that my old supervisor can probably manipulate the situation such that I am allowed to come back as if I never left as a "sign" that it's what I should do. Or I can at least take advantage of that, even if I don't identify it as a "sign" (which I don't, because "signs" in this sense are not real!), to where I am taking advantage of a privilege I have simply because my old supervisor "likes" me to where the opportunities afforded me vs the opportunities afforded my replacement are not equal. Yikes. What is the consequence here? My replacement would be offered part-time at this store or full-time at another store, so are the consequences really so "bad"? Is there such a thing as a not-that-bad consequence? At least there is no such thing as karma, to where retribution for me taking advantage of this inequality is in my future. But perhaps worse than karma is accepting and allowing myself to not live out what is best for all in equality and oneness. Yikes again. I guess here it might depend somewhat on what my replacement thinks of the opportunity to work part-time or work at another store.
Building Self-Support: self-trust, thoughts, and expectations: conversation with my mom part 1 - Day 24
Building Self-Support: conversation with my mom part 2 - Day 25
I pointed out to my mom how it is pretty incredible that my old job is probably still available to me, but it is not at all fair. I have been replaced: someone else has already been given my job. Fairness would be for me to work another position, maybe even at another store, maybe not even full-time. I gave up my right to my job. My mom suggested that within this then we live out of gratitude. Do we? Or do we participate in what's fair? I don't know, here. If I choose not to take back my old job, I can uphold what is "fair" to where this new person gets to keep the new position he has been promised and given. Or I can use the fact that my old supervisor can probably manipulate the situation such that I am allowed to come back as if I never left as a "sign" that it's what I should do. Or I can at least take advantage of that, even if I don't identify it as a "sign" (which I don't, because "signs" in this sense are not real!), to where I am taking advantage of a privilege I have simply because my old supervisor "likes" me to where the opportunities afforded me vs the opportunities afforded my replacement are not equal. Yikes. What is the consequence here? My replacement would be offered part-time at this store or full-time at another store, so are the consequences really so "bad"? Is there such a thing as a not-that-bad consequence? At least there is no such thing as karma, to where retribution for me taking advantage of this inequality is in my future. But perhaps worse than karma is accepting and allowing myself to not live out what is best for all in equality and oneness. Yikes again. I guess here it might depend somewhat on what my replacement thinks of the opportunity to work part-time or work at another store.
I also told my mom how I felt so bad for being on such a rollercoaster and dragging other people on it with me, such as my old supervisor and coworkers, my new supervisors, and especially my assigned participants who are becoming comfortable with the idea of me working with them and are likely hopeful that I will be a consistent point of support in their lives. My replacement is also affected by my rollercoaster, as I have stated above. So the consequences of my acceptances and allowances in this instance and in any instance are not limited to only affecting me. Everything resonates to where what I accept and allow contributes to the creation of the world as we know it and impacts the people around me. Within the realization that my rollercoaster has had more than just myself along for the ride, it is really easy for me to feel pretty crappy about myself and what I've done and from there just continue to do it because I am distracted by my mind energy of regret and shame and not actually stopping and breathing to really look at my behavior and to see what choices I can make to not be this anymore.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the frenetic energy of my mind to where I am up and down and all around in who I am and what I want and how I feel. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make decisions out of this starting-point to where I bring the consequences of my mind energy into actual physical reality through my decisions and actions.
I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to really fully realize and understand how this participation within and as this loopy rollercoaster is really very selfish and self-centered to where I have not let myself see how my participation within and as this energy affects and impacts the people and the world around me. I have hardly even been looking at the people and the world around me even to inform myself within stability but have in fact only been focused on the contents of my mind energy.
I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to get off this rollercoaster and to stand in stability for and as myself as life as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the feeling of being overwhelmed by the velocity of this rollercoaster such that I close my eyes and "hold on tight," believing there is nothing I can do but "get through it" which is to say wait for it to end not by my own accord but by the direction of and as my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my mind instead of directing myself.
When and as I see myself participating within and as the frenetic energy of a "rollercoaster" within and as my mind's attempts to direct me to where I feel out of control of myself, I stop and I breathe.
I realize that I am not supporting myself as life as one as equal when I am allowing myself to be directed by my mind, especially to the extent that I become self-absorbed to where even when I see how my choices are negatively impacting those around me, I think there is nothing I can do about that, and also to the extent that when I am on this "rollercoaster" I am actually willfully riding the energy of my mind to where I am not supporting myself because I am accepting and allowing the belief that I cannot support myself and that I cannot direct myself and that I am subject to my mind.
I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can come back to myself honestly and take responsibility for my actions, choices, thoughts, and emotions, to where I am acting as my own self-directive principle and to where I can align my actions with what is best for all, which is also best for me.
From here the conversation with my mom developed into a more general discussion of how I view and judge myself, which I will continue with on another day. Tomorrow, however, my priority with my writing will be to support myself in coming to a decision about my job choices... Yikes a third time. And a fourth for good measure.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the frenetic energy of my mind to where I am up and down and all around in who I am and what I want and how I feel. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make decisions out of this starting-point to where I bring the consequences of my mind energy into actual physical reality through my decisions and actions.
I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to really fully realize and understand how this participation within and as this loopy rollercoaster is really very selfish and self-centered to where I have not let myself see how my participation within and as this energy affects and impacts the people and the world around me. I have hardly even been looking at the people and the world around me even to inform myself within stability but have in fact only been focused on the contents of my mind energy.
I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to get off this rollercoaster and to stand in stability for and as myself as life as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the feeling of being overwhelmed by the velocity of this rollercoaster such that I close my eyes and "hold on tight," believing there is nothing I can do but "get through it" which is to say wait for it to end not by my own accord but by the direction of and as my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my mind instead of directing myself.
When and as I see myself participating within and as the frenetic energy of a "rollercoaster" within and as my mind's attempts to direct me to where I feel out of control of myself, I stop and I breathe.
I realize that I am not supporting myself as life as one as equal when I am allowing myself to be directed by my mind, especially to the extent that I become self-absorbed to where even when I see how my choices are negatively impacting those around me, I think there is nothing I can do about that, and also to the extent that when I am on this "rollercoaster" I am actually willfully riding the energy of my mind to where I am not supporting myself because I am accepting and allowing the belief that I cannot support myself and that I cannot direct myself and that I am subject to my mind.
I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can come back to myself honestly and take responsibility for my actions, choices, thoughts, and emotions, to where I am acting as my own self-directive principle and to where I can align my actions with what is best for all, which is also best for me.
From here the conversation with my mom developed into a more general discussion of how I view and judge myself, which I will continue with on another day. Tomorrow, however, my priority with my writing will be to support myself in coming to a decision about my job choices... Yikes a third time. And a fourth for good measure.
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