The Nature of Anxiety Exercise - Day 18

Tonight I listened to The Nature of Anxiety - Atlanteans' Support - Part 82, and gained some insight on what anxiety is and what function/purpose it serves. Mainly I learned that my consciousness utilizes anxiety as a short-cut to directing me into emotional/feeling energy. So anxiety is really like a flag-point to where, when and as I see myself experiencing anxiety, I can know that I am about to move or be moved, and I can intervene and stop my mind and be my own self-directive principle.

The other point that stood out to me was the point that I cannot be unnecessarily hard on myself. It will take time, practice, dedication, and discipline for me to stop energy before it comes up. So this is important to know when and as I see myself being impatient with myself and my process and becoming discouraged within and as myself. 

It was suggested at the end of the interview to make a list of 3-5 specific instances in my life where I find I go into anxiety, and to describe the scenario with the specific moment that anxiety appears, as this is the moment that I can capture and intervene and decide for myself who I will be in that moment. Presumably the next interview discusses self-forgiveness over these instances and moves on to other ways to assist and support oneself within and as anxiety, so here I will try to first determine what personality/character I tend to go into in each of these instances, then I will apply some self forgiveness and try out my new self corrective statement skills. There will be a lot more that could be opened up on each of these, so that will be nice to come back to in the future when I undoubtedly meet resistance and don't know what to write. It will not be short, but I think it will be pretty sweet!

1. When I think about conflict or see someone with whom I am in "conflict"
• Sometimes I become quite defensive, but I think just as much I become rather helpless and scared. 
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view another person through the filter of "conflict" wherein when I am "in conflict" with that person and I see or think about them, I participate in feeling defensive and/or helpless and scared. 
• When and as I see myself participating in feeling defensive and/or helpless and scared within the context of being "in conflict" with someone, I stop and I breathe. 
• I realize that when I participate within and as a feeling of defensiveness and/or helplessness and fear, I am not directing myself to resolve the "conflict" within a common sense best for all solution. 
• I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can come back to myself honestly and direct myself to see myself and the other person as one and equal and to seek honest understanding, communication, and resolution without the interference of emotional reaction. 
2. When I think about making art
• Often I go from anxiety about making art into thoughts about being incapable of creating art that is as "good" as past work. 
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be intimidated by the process of making art such that I doubt that I am able to create art that I "like" or that is as "good" as art I have created in the past. 
• When and as I see myself participating within and as intimidation at the process of making art, I stop and I breathe. 
• I realize that by accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as intimidation, I am setting myself up for failure either by not trying to make art or by trying under too much pressure. 
• I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can come back to myself so that I can see that making art is about self expression and freedom within and as myself to create freely without intimidation or judgment or pressure. 
3. When I think about a person to whom I am attracted, or that person moves closer to me
• I passively desire for that person to move even closer, which is to say that I become outwardly shy and/or distant, or remain neutral, but as my internal experience I enter into desire. 
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as desire and within and as passivity to where I desire another person while at the same time pulling away from them or at least not asserting myself in my expression of my desire to connect with another person intimately. 
• When and as I see myself participating simultaneously within and as desire and passivity, I stop and I breathe. 
• I realize that by participating simultaneously within and as desire and passivity, I am setting myself up for disappointment, confusion, miscommunication, and I am not directing myself but am waiting for feedback from the other person to determine for me how I should proceed (but actually am proceeding from within and as my mind and my interpretations and reactions to the fact that the person did not move even closer). 
• I commit myself to really stop and breathe and to further investigate what desire is and how it functions, and to further investigate what is the best way to proceed toward a best for all relationship so that no confusion or indecision is contributing to my passivity. Then I will continue to investigate my passivity. 
4. When I think about trying something new
• Pretty strong emotional energy of fear and flight; panic; run the other way or I even have a picture of myself crouched down with my eyes shut and hands on my ears saying "no no no no"! 
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as a strong energetic reaction to the thought of trying something new. 
• When and as I see myself reacting within and as strong resistance, fear, and panic to the thought of trying something new, I stop and I breathe.
• I realize that by participating within and as resistance, fear, and panic about trying something new, I am closing myself off to growth and expansion and also am participating within and as my mind and not within and as my breath. What is really so scary there? Nothing!
• I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can come back to myself and see that there is no real threat other than the threats my mind is conceiving, "there is nothing to fear but fear itself," and to, if necessary, systematically assess each fear or excuse and debunk it with common sense solutions within self honesty. 
5. When I think about how soon I start my new job (not when I think about starting my new job, but specifically the time factor)
• I go into half-formed thoughts about what I want to do before I start, how I don't feel ready, what if it was the wrong choice? "I need more time," etc. 
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as anxiety in regards to the diminishing timeline until I start my new job. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to halfway participate within and as thoughts about my inability or unpreparedness as I surely move through this transition within space and time. 
• When and as I see myself reacting within and as anxiety to diminishing timelines, I stop and I breathe. When and as I see myself participating within and as thoughts about my inability or unpreparedness, I stop and I breathe.
• I realize that time is going to go on no matter what I do, and when I participate within and as anxiety about time I am actually effectively "speeding time up" because I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as my mind where I am not able to see clearly and therefore use time wisely. I realize that when I participate within and as thoughts about my inability or unpreparedness, I am telling myself stories based on fear of failure that will not in any way make me more able or more prepared for what is coming with time. 
• I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can come back to myself and "slow down time" by calmly directing myself to be, here, now, where a minute of presence is longer than 5 minutes of anxiety. I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can come back to myself and realize that I have taken every step necessary to prepare for my new job and that the best way I can continue to prepare is to continue to practice being, here, now, within and as my breath, so that I direct myself in every moment, thus making me more capable to address whatever challenge I face. 

In all of these there is actually a big propensity toward paralysis as my reaction. I don't know what this means as far as my consciousness selecting a personality/character for energetic sustenance. Is my paralysis actually a kind of halfway house between energetic reaction and self directed response? In some ways paralysis is, of course, extremely paralyzing and makes it difficult to move at all, energetically or self-directed, but at the same time it prevents me from participating as much in the emotional/feeling energy. Or is it just another form of suppression? Is paralysis my form of anxiety such that whereas my consciousness uses anxiety to buy time to assess and move me, I can use paralysis to buy time to assess and move myself? Within paralysis, if I can let go of the urgency that comes with anxiety, maybe I can learn to use it as a period of quiet to determine who I will be for myself as myself. 

Maybe? 

Anyway, that was cool! Last night I was really struggling with feeling kind of aimless and lonely in this process. I realized that I had not taken the time to walk some self-supportive avenues through self-education. Tonight I made my DIP Lite lesson my top priority, then transcription, then I listened to an interview that was gifted me, then took on my blog to assist and support myself in seeing that I am capable of walking this process, because here I just walked. 

Thanks all for all the support.