I'm really frustrated because, it's like I just can't win, because I don't let myself win. I'm never happy. Something's always wrong. I'm always looking to the past in regret, or, sometimes... just wishing I had what I had [used to have]. Or I'm looking to the future to how things could be, and how I want them to be, and imagining hoped-for futures that are not now. And, I do this kind of chaotically, to where I create a lot of mind energy around it. And it becomes difficult for me to just stop and breathe and be here, right now. And to look around me and to see that what's here isn't bad, but I see it as bad, or, I allow myself to see it as bad, and to identify it as bad. I get very stuck in the negative, and I get very stuck in feeling depressed, and that energy... is comfortable to me in the sense that I'm used to it, and it really moves me. Um, it has a really strong hold over me. I don't really know how to break free from that, even though I created it, and I allow it, and that is a part, an aspect of it that I struggle with, too, because, even though I'm supposed to forgive myself, I am so hard on myself, that to acknowledge that I've accepted and allowed this to be me, to be who I am, I see it as... um... I don't know, I react to it in a really negative way about myself. So anyway, I feel like I just can't win, and I feel like I'm never happy, and, you know, my mom just, we just parted ways, and she told me that things would get better. And, I mean, I appreciate her effort to help me feel better and to remind me that what goes up must come down, what goes down must come up and all of that, but, you know, the only way that things are going to get better is if I make them better, and if I'm not the one making them better, you know, yeah maybe tomorrow I'll just be in a better mood or I'll see a friend and that will cheer me up, but you know, it's not going to be stable, it's not going to be consistent, I'll come back down. Unless I do something. But I don't know how to do something, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I mean I guess I'm learning what I'm supposed to do, but I'm, uh, really impatient with myself about it, and about how to achieve it. And within that impatience, I enter back into the chaotic mind energy of judging myself, and judging what is as not okay, judging myself as not okay. So, I have to really calm that mind energy... and... really just, I mean, I guess, just focus, really, focus on that first step, which is to stop and breathe, and to be here now. And, to, um, connect with my breath, to, um, kind of get out of my mind. Cause... that's not working. Um, and from there, I can find some clarity. And, um, within clarity, I can begin to see. And it's a process. And that's where I am, in that process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create "problems" for myself such that I never allow myself to be stable. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to often look at my present experience as being problematic and as being something that needs to be changed or somehow different. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be present and to be okay with being present.
Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing and encouraging myself to make a change in my employment at a time when my previous employment situation was actually very stable and was a pretty opportune time to work on stability within myself. I forgive myself for making that change, and I forgive myself for regretting that change. When and as I see myself regretting that change, I stop and I breathe. I realize that by regretting that change, I am participating within and as mind energy and am not productively or effectively supporting myself in my present circumstances. I commit myself to adapt and adjust to my new circumstances such that I can assist and support myself here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the thought, "I can't do this" such that I am grasping for alternatives and resisting being present. When and as I see myself thinking "I can't do this," I stop and I breathe. I see that I really can completely do this, there is nothing about what is here now that I cannot do, and that my thought "I can't do this" is my mind's justification for taking me out of the present. I commit myself to really stop and breathe here and to breathe until I release myself from my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the thought and belief that there is no point in loving and supporting and caring for myself, if I don't have someone to be proud of me or to love, support, and care for me, for me. Within this I see that my starting-point is outside myself such that if I do not perceive that support, I believe there is no point in trying to support myself, and I also see that I am abdicating responsibility and ability within and as myself to love, support, and care for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give to others without giving to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want another to give themselves to me.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give myself to myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to learn effective, productive strategies for supporting and assisting myself in years past. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to this realization with thoughts and feelings about being childish and identifying the prospect of supporting and assisting myself as being hopeless. I see that within this realization I have an opportunity to forgive myself for not supporting myself and to commit myself to supporting myself, but that my reaction gets in the way of making this realization productive, and thus participating within and as my reaction is not supportive of myself. I commit myself to recognize when I am behaving in a way that is not supportive of myself, and to stop and breathe here and to come back to a starting point of self-support.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get "stuck" in depressed, negative energy states. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my negative energy to move me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to idealize depressed states as states in which I can be taken care of and do not have to take care of myself. This may have worked for me at some points in my life, but I am an adult and I need to take care of myself. When and as I see myself getting stuck in a depressed energy state, I stop and I breathe. I realize that getting stuck here is letting my energy overpower me. I commit myself to come back to myself within and as my breath and to consider what is best for all. I commit myself to further investigate why I get stuck here so that I can better understand the consequences so that I can better release myself from this pattern.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as frenetic and frantic mind energy. I see that my participation here is feeding my mind energy and sustaining it. I see that my mind is fed by my dissatisfaction, and here my mind is able to move me. When and as I see myself participating within and as frenetic, frantic, chaotic mind energy, I stop and I breathe. I will wait for the smoke to clear. I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can come back to myself and find clarity, so that I can continue to see more of myself and understand more of myself.
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