Building Self-Support: Judging --> Suppressing --> Not Seeing - Day 32

Today I want to look some more at some of what I wrote about within Building Self-Support: Facing My Relationship with Writing in My Blog -- Day 30 and Building Self-Support: Self-Supportive Writing Self Forgiveness - Day 31, specifically what I have been trying to identify and describe within some of the resistance that I face to writing wherein I sense a lack of clarity within myself to where I have a difficult time formulating words that I feel are self-honest and "cutting through the bullshit," especially in a way that sort of gets me "on a role" in my writing to where I experience it as productive, supportive, and conclusive in terms of self-discovery.

I've been engaging in a very supportive conversation on the forum where I realized by and through writing and was finally able to pinpoint that this experience of a lack of clarity may be coming from my participation within and as self-suppression. I have been struggling throughout the entirety of my process thus far with pretty consistent self-judgments to where I have for whatever reason established within myself expectations to automatically change and also to disengage from energetic experiences upon the identification of realizations of what I have accepted and allowed. Within this I am separating myself from my energetic experiences in the sense that I am identifying them as "bad" or "wrong" or "not what I am supposed to experience" and therefore disown and deny them by suppressing them with the expectation that, within "seeing" that they are "bad" or "wrong" or "not what I am supposed to experience," I should be able to just not experience them. 

So here I am:

1. Not allowing myself the time and space required for this process
• By establishing expectations of myself that cut out all of the steps between realization and actualization, which IS process. 
2. Mistaking my judgments of myself and my experience as seeing truth and reality
• My energetic experiences are NOT "bad" or "wrong" or "not what I am supposed to experience" but they ARE unsupportive of myself and ineffective in establishing stability within myself in oneness and equality with what is best for all life. 
• Within this the solution is not to "disengage" with the energetic experiences but to in fact:
• see them, own them, see how I create them (self-honesty)
• realize consequences / patterns / how the program runs/ends
• forgive them 
• test supportive effective solutions through commitments to myself to stop and breathe when and as I see myself engaging or participating within and as these energetic experiences and to direct myself as myself toward what is best for all 
• reflect upon that and adjust as necessary and as becomes further clear to me as what is best for all in equality and oneness. 
3. Separating myself from myself by suppressing/denying/disowning aspects of myself
• As if to amputate a part of myself and then claim it is not-me when in reality all is me and I am all, equal and one as life. 

So the experience of a lack of clarity is the consequential experience of suppression of myself to where I have a hard time finding words to self-honestly support myself through writing precisely because I am not being self-honest but am closing my eyes to myself to where when and as I see myself participating within and as energetic reactions I shut them out and suppress in an attempt to eradicate them rather than actually face them, see them, and process them through self-forgiveness and self-commitments and then living my applications in order to change myself.

So what is the practical living application solution to this? Here I see myself as I am writing this judging myself within the potential/probable future instances where I will face this lack of clarity in my writing and within that judgment I am saying to myself that by writing this I should be able to eradicate myself of this experience and no longer face a lack of clarity in my writing, but since I will face it again, what is the point? Here I have just written on this and yet here I am once again skipping all of the steps that make this a process! What is the next step in this process? 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to adapt the definition of the word "process" to meet and suit my own judgments of how I should be able to change, and within this placing impractical unsupportive expectations on myself of how I should change, and within this judge myself when I do not change. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form this pattern within my writing process to where these expectations and judgments have been strengthened and solidified through repeated interactions and engagements and participation within and as them. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into this pattern even within my writing about this pattern. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge parts of myself as if they are separate from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny, disown, reject, and suppress parts of myself and my experience and therefore deny, disown, reject, and suppress myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continually judge myself within my process. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify my judgments as truth and to identify them as self-honesty rather than as a reaction to what I am afraid to see within self-honesty. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my judgments of myself rather than, once again, simply see them. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply see myself. 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be objectively honest within myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to see myself. 

When and as I see myself "forgetting" what a "process" is, what this process is, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I cannot get from A to Z without all the steps in between, and that trying to do so is denying the very definition of a process. I commit myself to further investigate the meaning of the word "process" so that I can re-align myself with practical expectations of myself within my process so that when and as I "remind" myself that I am "walking my process," I can associate with that patience to give myself the time and space required to walk process point-by-point, moment-by-moment, breath-by-breath. 

When and as I see myself judging myself within my energetic experiences, I stop and I breathe. I realize that my energetic experiences are my own creation, but so are my judgments of them. I realize that judging myself and my energetic experiences is unproductive and ineffective in creating change within and as myself. I realize that when I judge my energetic reactions, I am not really seeing them and myself as them but am placing a buffer of judgment between myself and them to where I am disowning, denying, and rejecting them as not-me, but they are me, and the only way to change them is if I change me as me as all of me. I commit myself to shift this pattern when and as I see myself engaging in it so that I can really see myself and can support myself within self-honesty to be responsible for myself as all of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.