What is Process? - Day 33

Here I will look at the definition of the word "process" which is the word desteni uses to describe what we are doing to change ourselves within this journey to life as one and equal with all life.

First I want to point out that "everything is walking process" which could be interpreted accurately, I believe, in both of the following ways:

1. Every thing is walking process
• Every being and thing in this existence is walking a process of purification as life as one and equal. 
• Within this we really are "all in this together." 
2. Everything is walking process
• Everything I do, everything anyone does, is all a part of process, of my process, of each individual's process, and of the process of existence. 
• Within this there really are no "wrong" ways to walk process as everything is walking process, but there are certainly some counter-productive and ineffective ways, some immediately and/or ultimately detrimental strategies for self and all. 
• Within desteni we have the tools of self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-responsibility, breath, self-commitments, and writing to provide us self-direction within self-awareness toward walking process in a supportive, productive, effective and efficient manner. 

proc·ess, pro·cess
/ˈpräˌses/, /prəˈses/
Noun
- A series of actions or steps taken to achieve an end.
Verb
- Perform a series of mechanical or chemical operations on (something) in order to change or preserve it: "the stages in processing the wool".
- Walk or march in procession: "they processed down the aisle".
Synonyms
noun.
- procedure - method - trial - course - way - progress
verb.
- work

So here I see that a process is a series of steps, not one step, and these steps must be taken, which is to say I must move myself through these steps, in order to achieve an end, which is purifying and aligning myself with that which is best for all in equality and oneness.

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continually forget what is meant by "process" such that I become impatient and expect myself to automatically change. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that a process is a series of actions or steps which must be built upon and must be practiced. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a process is a short A -> B transition. 
• When and as I see myself participating within and as impatience with myself wherein I place unrealistic expectations on myself and judge myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the very definition of process includes multiple steps between realization and actualization. I commit myself to walk process moment-by-moment, breath-by-breath, step-by-step.

I see too that a process can be compared with a "procedure," wherein a procedure is "an established or official way of doing something" and "a series of actions conducted in a certain order or manner." So here too I see that although my process is individualized for me to direct myself, it is also pre-established within the tools of self-honesty, self-responsibility, self-forgiveness, breath, self-writing, self-commitments, and common sense. I have already seen that, for example, it is not possible to forgive myself or change myself without first being honest with myself, and so I see too that the order of steps is important within this process/procedure, to proceed according to the steps as they have been established by others before me.

I see that a process can be compared with a "method," wherein a method is "a particular procedure for accomplishing or approaching something, esp. a systematic or established one" and "orderliness of thought or behavior, systematic planning or action: 'combination of knowledge and method'." So here I see that by walking process I am engaging within and as a methodical approach toward and as myself as one as equal as life, wherein I am ordering/directing my thought and behavior through a combination of knowledge within myself and action within the physical. Within this my process is "methodical" in the sense that it has order and I direct myself within that order as it is what is most supportive.

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bastardize the procedural, methodical applications of this process to where I judge myself when I am not able to immediately or automatically fall into alignment with the suggestions given by members of desteni. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take myself as an individual within my individual experience out of the procedure and method of this process to where I attempt to align myself absolutely with what others have already done rather than with what I am doing within who I am and who I am directing myself to be as an individual within self-honesty and self-trust and the other tools of desteni. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, and understand how the only way I can walk my process is by and as myself. Strangely this was a belief I held prior to my participation within desteni, to where I believed that every individual should walk his/her own path (or process) toward self-realization, but somehow within the decision I made to align myself within the desteni process, I lost sight of my own already established procedures and methods for myself and the process I was already walking. 
  • When and as I see myself taking myself as my individual experience and my self-honesty out of my process, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am the only person who can walk my process and that my process is created by me. I commit myself to personalize and individualize my process to where it works for me rather than me working for it so that my process is a tool for my self-realization as life as one as equal as best for all. 

I see that a process can be compared with a "trial," wherein trial is to "test (something, esp. a new product) to assess its suitability for performance." So here I see that process requires testing to where as I produce/create myself anew within each moment within each breath, I can test my behavior and my action to see if it is suitable for supporting myself within self-honesty and self-responsibility and if who I am is best for all.

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, and understand the lived application as trial within process and within desteni process. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect myself to change as a subsequent automatic response to realizations within and about myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within these expectations. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to give myself time and space to change and to walk my process, which IS process, as I see here: trial within space and time is a part of process, it is a step of process. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see realize and understand how the trial aspect of process is the aspect within which I can most easily build self-trust within myself to where I am able to write and consider the consequences of my actions, then act and then see the consequences of my actions, then adjust and align myself with what is best for all. 
  • When and as I see myself "forgetting" that process includes trial to where I must write, live, reflect, and adjust, and invariably within this I will make mistakes, and when and as I see myself judging myself for those mistakes: I stop and I breathe. I realize that in order to change I must actually change and change is a process in itself -- not automatic, not "overnight," and not actualized in and as life merely through writing. I commit myself to open up on this point further and how I see my ego interacting within my relationship to changing myself and testing myself to where I do not want to reveal to myself or to others that who I am now is someone who "needs" to be changed. 

I see that a process can be compared with "course," wherein course is "the route or direction followed by a ship, aircraft, road, or river," and "move[ment] without obstruction; flow." So here I see that my process is like my road-map and also a representation of a road-map for others as I share my process. I see also that within process I must overcome obstructions/resistances/walls/boundaries that I place in front of and within myself to where I break down all of the walls I have built and am able to live as myself as one as equal as life as what is best for all life.

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see resistances within myself and perceived obstacles within or without myself as actual real resistances and obstacles over which I have no control or within which I have not participated in creating. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be derailed off my course when and as I face resistances and obstacles. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand how these resistances and obstacles are my process and to continue in my process is to continue with, as, and through these resistances and obstacles. 
  • When and as I see myself interacting with resistances and obstacles as if bigger than me and are deterrents within my process, I stop and I breathe. I realize that my resistances and obstacles are me and are created by me and they are parts of my process, that without them this would not really be much of a process because without them I would already be changed and I would not need process. I commit myself to face myself within and as resistances and obstacles and to really look at them/myself to see what is the practical common sense response to them within self-honesty and self-responsibility in order to continue on my process. 

I see that a process can be compared with a "way," wherein way is "a method, style, or manner of doing something." So here again I see that process is a specified way of expanding myself within self-honesty for what is best for all and that there are tools laid out in front of me that I can utilize in order to walk this way, my process.

• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand how I create my way within my process, I choose which way to direct myself, and within this I am creating my process and I am creating myself within my process. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand how whatever way I choose to direct myself is what my process is in that moment and within this I am responsible for myself and my choices that I make within what way I walk my process. 
  • When and as I see myself participating within and as the belief that I can delay or put off my process, I stop and I breathe. I realize that everything I do is a part of process and that the way I direct myself within my process will determine who I am within my process and how I progress within my process.

I see that a process can be compared with "progress," wherein progress is "forward or onward movement toward a destination" or to "move forward or onward in space or time." So here I see that within process I am always moving and within this movement there will be times when I do not feel stable as I am not standing still but am standing up for what is best for all life and within standing up for that specifically I must discover within myself how to live as what is best for all life. I see that I am moving toward the future of the world within and as myself and am moving onward through resistances and doubts and obstacles. I see that within progress I will be able to look back at myself and how far I have come and what progress I have made within myself. I also see that within this movement I am existing within space and time and so I must allow myself the appropriate space and time to change myself to walk my process to move myself to stability within what is best for all life as one and equal as life.

• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand how within process I must progress, or else I am participating within and as some of "process"'s many possible antonyms, such as stagnation, cessation, inertia, and lifelessness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not view my process as a journey which requires movement and actual change, and that within this change in each moment I will have progressed beyond the last moment to where who I am now is not who I will be in the next moment and so to embrace really seeing who I am now within this moment so that I can really direct myself within the next moment, to where when and as I see myself and do not like what I see, I can use this as a point from which to progress rather than hide. 
  • When and as I see myself hiding from myself in any given moment, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is only by seeing myself that I can see my progress within my process, and also by seeing myself I am able to know how to direct myself within my process. I commit myself to open my eyes to myself to really see myself within self-honesty. 

I see that a process can be compared with "work," wherein work is "activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result." So here I see that process is not automatic and is not easy and is not done without effort; within process I must direct myself in every single moment in every single breath through every single point in myself, so that I might re-align myself within what is best for all life as one and equal as life. Process is WORK and within this work there will be challenges as I have already seen.

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that process does not take work. Really hard work. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this process should be easy or else I am "not good at it" and then to judge myself on the basis of how easily I am able to walk process. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand how the hard work that is required in walking process is merely evidence of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify this hard work as "too hard" or as in any way "bad" and something in which I do not wish to participate rather than as an "opportunity" or "challenge" wherein I am able to test myself and see who I am able to direct myself to be in each moment and watch myself grow and progress within the hard work I put forth within my process. Pretty fun, actually! 
• When and as I see myself judging myself within my relationship to the word "work" within process, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is through work of any kind that people in general progress, change, and grow. I realize that the amount of work I put into my process will determine how effective and productive I am within walking process. I realize that within my work within walking process I am able to see myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and also as who I am directing myself to be. 

Start your process: Desteni I Process Lite

Memories as Inaccurate Detrimental References for Present Interactions Self-Forgiveness - DIP 4.8.2 - DAY 2

Today I was making plans with a friend and a text that he sent triggered a brief emotional reaction in me of resentment, inferiority, and lack of self-advocacy. A kind of "oh, it's always what you want to do / how you feel" thought wherein I have felt both angry and powerless, and then nonetheless allowed myself to hang out with people who I feel don't consider my feelings/desires for whatever reason, because I see them as superior / better than me. uhhh. convoluted, over a series of reaction chains. Here's the breakdown:

Friend: Ummm, I'm feeling thai, and a bike ride. Let's bike to thai, perhaps a different one...
Me: Okee! Good thing I'm not feeling something else. :P
Friend: Are you?
Me: No. Nothing in particular. I'm projecting actually, assuming something based on past interpretations/experiences, whoaaa.

On the one hand it was cool that I advocated for myself by mentioning in a roundabout way that there might be something else I'd like to do, and does that matter? And I got a great, reaffirming response, which was asking if there in fact was anything else I'd like to do, because it does matter (real-life reward for actually speaking up for myself rather than shutting down and feeling down).

But then I pretty quickly realized how I was reacting actually primarily to ONE word my friend said, which was "feeling," as in what that person "feels like" doing, which came up in a previous experience with another individual wherein I felt that individual displayed deceptive behavior toward me and I allowed myself to remain hopeful of that person's deceitful words rather than what was actually happening, which was that that person wasn't interested. Basically, a drama that played out so many months ago that I had a really hard time getting over. So I was experiencing the emotional/energetic charge from a previous interaction, which I identified as implied rejection and blatant deception, that I've been holding onto in some form for months in resentment and confusion, and projecting it onto this friend in reaction to a trigger word he had no idea he said.

Again, lots of reactions going on here to take me out of reality. I feel like I'm fumbling through this one, but that's okay.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project past emotions and fears onto a new situation with a new person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself and my self worth enough to accept and allow myself to, in the past, hang out with and desire intimacy with people who do not show me respect. I have sought relationships with these people in part because they affirm my preconceived notions about myself, making it easier for me to exist in my mind, and in part because, within those preconceived notions about myself, I conceive them as being worthy of my admiration and I would be lucky and special if they wanted me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as worthless and to not show myself respect in many areas of my life, including my relationship choices.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer viewing myself as inferior over viewing a real situation as not good for me, wherein if a dynamic seems unhealthy, I must be the one who is wrong. Big family history on this one, I'll have to get into that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let one word or phrase trigger an emotional reaction in me because it reminds me of a specific interaction wherein I accepted and allowed myself to not take self-responsibility for my well-being within that relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when presented with evidence of one thing, believe and hope and imagine something else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto my resentment and anger and confusion about an interaction that occurred half a year ago so much so that for the first few months it occupied the majority of my thoughts, and even still it interferes with my ability to remain present within my present interactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto resentment and anger and confusion as a way of playing the role of the victim, abdicating responsibilities left and right because I feel too depressed or upset over some past event to properly deal with today, here, now. For a while, this specific past interaction was practically all I accepted and allowed myself to focus on. Before that, there were other specific past interactions that I would hyper-focus on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect negative memories of abandonment/rejection to recur in new situations, fear them, and react to innocent interactions in such a way that I become a person others might want to abandon/reject.

In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to COLLECT these memories, memories from years and years of various failed friendships and relationships, holding onto them as central points of my identity and why I am the way I am and why it's okay that I am the way I am, not realizing it is not who I have to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in the past, utilize the sharing of these memories as a way to gain sympathy and pity from potential new friendships and relationships and as a way to inspire a savior of me in another person, hoping they will pity me enough to want to swoop me up and take care of me and I will finally get some respite and relief from all the pain I have been accepting and allowing myself to carry around. Drop it! I don't need it. I will take care of me. Relief is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize these memories not only as validation for why I am the way I am, but as contradictory evidence to make it that much more impressive that I am a responsible, charming, successful member of society. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to possess multiple split personalities that are both inferior, depressed, & less-than, and superior, confident, & better-than.

Work-Ethic Self-Forgiveness - DIP 4.8.1 - DAY 1

Today I am just going to write about something from today:

Today I received an email from one of the staff at my yoga studio informing me that I needed to make cleaning a priority during my work-exchange shift there because I only had one class to check in, and the expectation was that every item on the check list be completed during my shift. I felt guilty. Normally I might have felt really anxious and embarrassed and lots of other emotions that would cloud my mind, but today I just felt a little guilty, realizing that I had not performed my expected tasks, and promptly responded apologizing and assuring the staff member that I would make it a priority and be sure to discuss any of my questions with her or another staff.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat my work-exchange position at my yoga studio as a work-optional position wherein I do the bare minimum and otherwise listen to music, chat with people, read a book, or read desteni blogs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the frequent migraines/headaches that I have during these shifts as an excuse to not put in my best effort in accomplishing the tasks that are of equal importance to the time that I put in at this job. Often when I get my body moving and my mind on a task, my migraines/headaches dissipate. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start my day with coffee instead of water as a way to help my body not suffer from a migraine/headache.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the praise that I have received from the individual who works the shift after me, who always praises me and the job I do, wherein I know that I have not done a job worthy of that praise but I just let her give me compliments because it feels good. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because this individual complains about the work ethic of almost every other person in our position, I must be exceptional and special and exempt because she praises me and I do so little. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be honest with this individual and instead accept the compliments with a smile and assimilate them into my ego and personality as truth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, 4 months into this position, still have never performed certain tasks because I have thus far been able to "get away with" not performing those tasks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not even look at the check list during my last 4+ shifts and therefore not checking in with myself to see what else I could accomplish during my shift.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only do the bare minimum and for thinking that this is okay because the people there seem to like me and seem to see me as a responsible, hard-working individual, unlike other individuals. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in and be receptive to gossip about other individuals and their work-ethic, especially when I am aware that my own work-ethic needs improvement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an attitude that I shouldn't have to work hard at this work-exchange position because I also have a full-time job and my shift is on one of my only 2 days off per week, as if that extraneous information is at all relevant to my responsibilities in this position.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take this position less seriously ever since realizing that the pay equivalent is only about $6/hour for the value of the services (free yoga) I am receiving, when actually I am calculating that based on the lowest possible membership fees and actually I can much more easily afford 4 hours of my day off than I can afford $100/month for unlimited yoga. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become less grateful for the opportunity I have in this position.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can coast through this position because I have received enough positive feedback from enough high-status people to believe that I don't have to try and that I can get away with not doing my work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make it a pattern in many areas of my life to coast through cutting corners until I am disciplined, and then pretending like I didn't know or am somehow innocent when I am caught, when all the while that I am cutting corners I am aware of this plan to claim ignorance or to accept and allow myself to present myself as possessing any number of negative work-ethic traits just so that I can, in the moment, do less work, and be forgiven by others later when I apologize and pretend to take responsibility. I already know I should take responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not do the things that I already know I should do in self-honesty.

Nervousness and Ambivalence - DIP 3.8.7

Step 1. Do a short writeup describing a situation/event/interaction where you experienced an emotion or a feeling as an energetic reaction:

Today's situation is the time proximity to a job interview I have in the morning. I was offered this interview about two weeks ago, and I've appreciated the extra time to "prepare," although I didn't really prepare any materials until yesterday and I haven't begun processing mentally or emotionally until today. Last week I felt excited and had a "good feeling" about it. Today, and now, I feel ambivalent and nervous.

Step 2. Identify the first instance where an energetic reaction as emotion or feeling was expressed within the writing:

I felt excited and had a "good feeling," then I began to and still feel nervous and ambivalent.

Step 3. Ask questions to understand, in greater detail, the emotion/feeling as an energetic reaction you wrote about:

Why have I felt excited/had a "good feeling"? Why do I feel nervous and ambivalent today? What does time have to do with that shift, if anything? What can I do to prepare for tomorrow?

Step 4. Answer the questions - push yourself to be specific:

• I've felt excited because this job sounds right up my alley. It's not working with teens, but that's okay. It is working with adults with developmental disabilities who sometimes display assaultive behaviors and therefore need assistance in achieving vocational goals. As far as I can tell, this organization also has programs for art, drama, and music activities with these individuals. So, it's basically super awesome. I've been away from my old job that I loved for just over a year now, and all along I've been wanting to find a job like it. This one is like it.
  
• I've had a "good feeling" because it seems like I meet all of their requirements and have experience that is very relevant. I have also been telling myself that I am going to be 25 in a month, and I want to be on track, doing something I really care about. So, if the universe is going to conspire in my favor, now seems like the time to do it, thus the superstitious "good feeling," which has actually fed some of my ambivalence as it seems like a real possibility that I may have to make a decision (all future there! not present, not here, not real).
  
• Today I feel nervous because the interview is happening SOON, although not yet, and as far as I know it is a panel interview, which makes it quite intimidating. I am not so much concerned with how to present myself positively; I tend to do well in interviews IF I am present. That is to say, if I do not have a migraine, or I don't feel "out of it," as is sometimes the case. I don't really know how to best navigate those instances when they arise, but I have some idea of how to prevent them, so I am trying to do that tonight.
  
• Today I feel ambivalent because I really love my current job, and I love the people I work with, and I make good money compared to what else is out there, and my schedule is relatively flexible, and I get to listen to music all day, and frame cool art, and get a discount, and all kinds of other positives. I also have full benefits and in about a month I'll start getting paid holidays, vacations, and sick leave. I am also VERY GOOD at my job.
  
  But I am not passionate about it. I almost couldn't care less. I want to make a difference in peoples' lives, not empty their wallets so they can hang stuff on their walls. I want to use my skills, my patience, my experience, my understanding, my compassion, my indifference over my own physical safety, for the benefit of people who so often get shit from life. I was also VERY GOOD at my old job.
  
  And this could go back and forth for a while. But honestly the specifics of my present ambivalence make no difference in picking apart the ambivalence and indecision that I face in so many areas of my life. The specifics don't even really help me with this specific instance, especially since I haven't been offered the job. I'm not really sure what DOES help, except stopping and breathing and realizing where I am and what I am doing right now, and who I can be and will be and am.
  
• I think that time is affecting this from two directions: time has passed and my excitement waned until I didn't think much about the upcoming interview at all. Time is also approaching and a part of me wants to just fast forward to the interview being over with. A part of me feels so nervous and ambivalent about this interview that I can see it as a possibility to enter into apathy as an escape. To not even try, not even participate in creating an outcome (which is still contributing to the outcome). But I won't do that. I have to at least try. And so I see time cropping up again: This interview is in 12 hours. My materials are ready. The other things I need to do to get ready are:
  
• Prepare my lunch. Figure out what I'll wear. Bring my work clothes to change into. Find a park I can hang out at between the interview and work. Get a good sleep. Wake up early and do all that morning stuff. Stay present in each of these steps and definitely do not stress because stress is a huge trigger for migraines. So I could sit here and write more, and maybe I will come back and write more, but for now it's like I'm picking away at something that just needs to sit and be. It's in 12 hours. I will meet it in 12 hours. 

Any advice is invited, always. 

Mission & Values - They totally know what's up!

Writing Resistance - DIP 3.8.6

Step 1. Do a short writeup describing a situation/event/interaction where you experienced an emotion or a feeling as an energetic reaction:

I'm frustrated with myself because I can't decide / don't know what to write about. Reflecting on my day, I don't recall many instances of emotion or feeling energy, although logically it's probably true that I experienced a great many small instances of this.

Step 2. Identify the first instance where an energetic reaction as emotion or feeling was expressed within the writing:

I'm frustrated that I don't know what to write about.

Step 3. Ask questions to understand, in greater detail, the emotion/feeling as an energetic reaction you wrote about:

Why does not knowing what to write about frustrate me? What have I done to try and solve this problem? What are some things I could have written about?

Step 4. Answer the questions - push yourself to be specific:

My frustration is multi-dimensional:
- I know that I encountered emotions and feelings today. Possibly I am judging these instances as too minor or unimportant, or I am having a hard time identifying and pinpointing specific instances, or I am being impatient with this process and wanting something more obvious to write about.
- I am placing pressure on myself to have something substantial to write about in my blog because I have noticed that some people have been reading it (which is cool!!). I realize that I am responding to the concept of a "first impression" and I want to impress positively upon the individuals and the group with whom I am now participating. This obviously means I have lost touch with writing for myself, already!
- I've been much more tired than usual the last two days and I'm frustrated that it is affecting my (perceived?) ability to accomplish tasks, including writing.

To solve this problem, I have:
- created bullet points in a .txt document about various topics I could try to explore from today.
- begun writing on a few of those points, but then felt stuck and blocked and not continued.
- sighed. I suppose this is different from breathing.
- written anyway, and chosen to write about my resistance to writing, as was suggested at the beginning of this course as a solution for times like these.

Some of the topics I really could have explored today:
- thoughts which create connection to imagined and hopeful un-realities
- tired/lethargic energy
- feeling overwhelmed/anxious about the tasks I have coming up over the next two days
- low-back injury and how I respond to it energetically (frustration, impatience)
- the tv show I've gotten wrapped up in that is usurping some of my thought energy even when I am not watching
- any of the handful of times I disliked what another person in a car on the road did today
- how I felt when my dog snapped at the other dog at the park
- all kinds of things if I directed myself to really consider them!

Letting Energy Take the Lead - DIP 3.8.5

Step 1. Do a short writeup describing a situation/event/interaction where you experienced an emotion or a feeling as an energetic reaction:

Today I was in a situation where, around when I should have been able to take my lunch, I was basically running the store by myself. It so happened that we had a rush of customers at the same time, which was overwhelming. I was also quite hungry, so much so that I felt a bit faint and shaky. A customer arrived who wanted to place 6 different small orders, so I helped her. I felt really frustrated because I physically did not feel well, I felt a bit abandoned by my coworkers, and I was frustrated because the orders I was taking for this customer were going to severely hurt my average, which meant that one of those two coworkers will probably talk to me in a week about getting my numbers up.

Step 2. Identify the first instance where an energetic reaction as emotion or feeling was expressed within the writing:

I felt frustrated and overwhelmed. I also felt mad and resentful toward my coworkers. I also felt mad for an imagined future event wherein someone would tell me my numbers weren't good enough.

Step 3. Ask questions to understand, in greater detail, the emotion/feeling as an energetic reaction you wrote about:

Why did I allow myself to feel overwhelmed in a situation that I really could handle, and that, if it got too out of hand, I would receive help? Why did I choose to feel resentment toward my coworkers? Why did I feel mad over an imagined future event regarding my average? Why did I latch onto the idea that I should be able to take my lunch when most days I don't want to take it until the end of the hour? Why did I let all of this probably show on my face so that my customer probably didn't feel like I enjoyed working with her? Why did I take something that's really not that big a deal and make it into a mini disaster in my mind?

Step 4. Answer the questions - push yourself to be specific:

I think an overarching answer in all of this will be my physical state, which was one of hunger, low blood sugar, feeling faint and short of breath. Ideally I would have gotten to go eat for the sake of my body.

But, my body being uncomfortable and hungry doesn't mean that my mind automatically had to do everything, or anything, it did. SO:

I allowed myself to feel overwhelmed in a situation that really wasn't that bad because for some reason I wanted to assume the victim/martyr role. I could have just as easily (more easily!) accomplished what I needed to without the attitude, without allowing myself to feel overwhelmed, stressed, or frustrated. And if I really needed help, I could have said something. If anything it's a sign that my 3 superiors, all of whom were present, trust my abilities, that they didn't offer any help.

I allowed myself to feel resentment toward my coworkers because I allowed myself to think about how much easier it would be to do what they were doing than it was to take those orders, hurting my average, while hungry and faint. But they were doing their jobs, and I was doing mine, and even if they weren't doing their jobs, I was still doing mine. My resentment also indicates a part of myself that believes myself to be more important, I guess the part that operates from self-interest. It is more important for me to get to take my lunch and do what I want to do than it is for anyone else to do what they need to do. Someone else should come over here and take over these multiple orders and hopefully they'll have to log out too and get the numbers on their name. No.

I have memories of being told that my order averages are too low. Being told that my averages are too low is obviously a criticism and as I've already written, I have a hard time receiving that. So I often make up excuses and rationale for this. In this instance I was imagining the future incident of being told my averages were too low on the basis of the orders I was presently taking, and I was feeling mad because I thought that it would have been more appropriate for one of my coworkers to take the orders and for me to take my lunch. Even though I know I am not going to get a raise any time soon, I have allowed myself to dislike the discipline I receive for my low averages enough that I care about the averages, which are actually meaningless to me, more than the customer, which is a part of my job I actually usually enjoy. Backwards.

I latched onto the idea that I should be able to take my lunch primarily because I was so hungry and really would have benefited from taking my lunch. It was also an excuse for feeling especially mad and resentful. But I typically don't take my lunch until right before my 5th hour, so there was no reason for anyone to think I might care to take it earlier today.

I don't know if I let this all show on my face, but I have reason to believe that I tend to let my emotions show on my face (well don't we all, anyway? haha). I do know that when I was finished and ringing my customer up, I finally smiled at her, and she seemed to brighten up, and I realized I hadn't been very friendly the entire time. I didn't say anything to her, like apologize or anything, but I did try to finish up the rest of the transaction with a more friendly, personable attitude, thanked her, told her I'd call her as soon as they were all done. I probably let it show on my face, though, because I was more interested in myself and my needs and desires than I was in doing my job and helping my customer regardless of what my coworkers were doing. This actually sucks a lot because I really do enjoy the personable aspect of customer service and helping customers in a friendly, customer-centered way. It sucks that I did not provide that experience for this customer.

I took something that didn't need to be a big deal and made it a big deal because I didn't stop and breathe. That's really all there is to it. My energy took the lead.

Biting My Tongue in the Face of Criticism - DIP 3.8.4

Step 1. Do a short writeup describing a situation/event/interaction where you experienced an emotion or a feeling as an energetic reaction:

Today I helped my boss train our new sales associate. While she was doing paperwork in the office, I was role-playing difficult customers with the newcomer. We had all been laughing a fair amount and I was in a bit of a feisty/sassy/sarcastic mood. I was being pretty outrageous in my customer personalities. After a customer arrived, though, my boss shouted for me to come talk to her in the office. She wasn't upset or mad or anything like that (in fact if anything she sounded excited), but she told me that I couldn't do such outrageous customer roles while a customer was in the store, because they might see it as offensive and it could turn into a complaint. I looked a little bashful but smiled and said, "okay, totally, I understand." I wanted to say that the customer who was in the store had already joked with us so I knew it would be okay, but I bit my tongue because I'm trying to not make excuses or talk back when receiving criticism/feedback on my work performance. I felt bad even though I know my boss thought my role-playing was really funny. I just really dislike receiving negative feedback. I also then found that I had a hard time switching out of my sassy attitude when I had to actually interact with real customers.

Step 2. Identify the first instance where an energetic reaction as emotion or feeling was expressed within the writing:

I was in a sassy, joke-y mood, being outrageous and exaggerating (although not by much sadly!) some of the ridiculous customer difficulties we sometimes encounter.


Step 3. Ask questions to understand, in greater detail, the emotion/feeling as an energetic reaction you wrote about:

Why did I choose to role-play such outrageous customer situations? Why did I feel ashamed/bad when my boss confronted me about doing so in front of real customers? How did it feel to bite my tongue and not give an excuse for my behavior, no matter how valid? Why? Did my world end? Why do I have such a hard time receiving negative feedback without giving some kind of excuse or rationale? Why did I have a hard time switching my demeanor back to an appropriately professional one, and what does that indicate to me about moods?

Step 4. Answer the questions - push yourself to be specific:

I decided to role play outrageous customer situations for a few reasons: It's way more fun, the person I was training and my boss both thought it was funny, and it's good practice to get the new employee familiar with some of the things we encounter with customers and customer attitudes. Primary motivation here was the fun factor and making others and myself laugh.

I felt ashamed/bad when my boss confronted me because, even though she did it quietly and in private and very nicely, I dislike receiving negative feedback. I have an expectation of myself to perform perfectly for some reason, although I am learning to let go of this and this situation was kind of a big little step, I think. I felt bad because I do not want to let my boss down or have her think that I am not a good employee or that I don't follow directions or take appropriate action on my own initiative. By giving excuses/rationale, though, I prove the exact opposite: that I am difficult to work with and don't take direction well, am prideful and hard-headed.

It was hard to bite my tongue and not give her an excuse. I wanted her to understand where I was coming from, but all that really matters is that she's my boss and she's right: it could have led to a customer feeling upset/offended and complaining. It's her job to manage me and my work performance (well, my job, but her job to make sure I'm doing that), and part of my job is to listen to her and take her direction, even if I have more to say. By NOT saying what I have to say, too, I get the opportunity to practice self-validation. I don't need her to understand my side. I'm the only one who NEEDS to understand my side, and otherwise we all just need to do our jobs. By seeking her understanding of my side, I am anxiously awaiting her approval and saying that it's okay and she's not mad, etc. etc. But rationally, I know she's not mad, and even if she was, what's it really matter? Say okay and do better next time. Earlier in the day we had had a different interaction where I also felt a need to communicate my side and have her understand. The next time she came into my workspace I told her that she could tell me to jump and I would ask how high, I'll do whatever she wants me to do with the extra time I have for being ahead on my orders, and I don't mean to communicate a poor work ethic, and that's not who I want to be at work. That was after already trying to get her to understand my side and feeling like it didn't really end well, because I knew I was just making excuses. So I wanted to communicate to her that I was there as her employee and I would do whatever she asked even if I didn't really want to. So, this time around, with the joking behavior, I pushed myself to not give any excuse and to just say okay. I felt embarrassed that I had to have a "talking-to" but tried to just get on with my tasks and realize that it really wasn't a big deal, that all the energy pent up in it was just energy, not reality. Reality was in front of me, and the conversation was over, and my actions would prove who I would be, if I would be the good employee I want to be.

My world did not end!

I think I already covered why I have a hard time above. But also: my pride. My distaste for being misunderstood. My anxiety that makes me want to rewind time and say "just kidding, I didn't really do/say that thing you didn't like." My "people-pleaser" personality.

It was hard for me to switch back into a professional demeanor because the energy of joking was rolling and frenetic. Not only was I joking, but I was role-playing, which is to say I was play acting: not real. I was also working with a new person, which threw things off a little as far as the environment and situations being as familiar as they can be in retail.

Overall I think it's pretty cool I was finally able to take some feedback/criticism without giving any kind of excuse or reasoning or trying to be understood! It was an easy opportunity to practice that because my boss clearly DID enjoy my silly behavior, she just didn't want me doing it in front of real customers. I intend on making this a kind of stepping stone/building block for future interactions where I would like to just accept criticism without seeking validation/understanding or making excuses, even if I feel like the criticism is unwarranted.

Catastrophic Thinking as a Coping Mechanism? -- DIP 3.8.3

STEP 1: Do a short writeup describing a situation/event/interaction where you experienced an emotion or a feeling as an energetic reaction:

Here is an event that was all energy. A little background: My mom recently requested my presence for a conversation to help her process what is going on between her and my brother. She shared with me again that her number one fear and the number one thing that keeps her persisting in her co-dependent relationship with my brother is that she is afraid that he will kill himself. At the time of the conversation I told her that if he does that, that is his choice, it is not her responsibility: her only responsibility is to make sure that she is doing everything she can to honestly and appropriately assist him in taking responsibility for himself. More to it than that, but that's not the point. The point is that at the time I felt sort of disconnected and stern. Yesterday, though, as I wrote here, my brother helped me out with some advice, and today he texted me telling me he hoped I was having a good day. From here, while working by myself, my mind drifted to the outrageous and catastrophic thought (my mind has done this with relative frequency for as long as I can remember) that my brother was saying goodbye through that text and that soon I would receive a call from my mom stating that he had killed himself. This thought became so visceral that I felt it in my stomach and felt an urge to cry before I snuffed it out as untrue.

STEP 2: Identify the first instance where an energetic reaction as emotion or feeling was expressed within the writing:

Within the writing: the distance I have felt. Within today's event: the sadness and overwhelming visceral feelings related to my brother's imaginary death.

STEP 3: Ask questions to understand, in greater detail, the emotion/feeling as an energetic reaction you wrote about:

Why do I allow myself to feel distant from my brother during the times that I experience him as irresponsible, immature, selfish, etc.? Why did I allow my mind to wander to his imaginary death? Why does his imaginary death bring up such strong emotions?
STEP 4: Answer the questions - push yourself to be specific:

Distance:
I can't remember if I wrote about it here or in my blog, but I have spent a LOT of time being very tied up in the drama that plays out in my brother's life and in the dynamic between my mom and my brother. For years my mom has come to me for advice for this, but truthfully if she hadn't, I would have given it anyway (often I did, actually), and I would have inserted myself into the drama by asking about it (for most of these years I did not live near my family) even though it was exhausting and stressful and would become a topic of exasperated conversation in my own relationships. Sometimes my mom would tell me that I needed to let it all go and not concern myself with it, but it wasn't until maybe about 4 or 5 months ago that I really heard her and that I stopped seeking these conversations. Nonetheless, when she does tell me about whatever's going on with him, or when I undoubtedly find out about the latest drama, I tend to distance myself from him and his struggles as human realities as a defense to keep myself from getting too involved, and because I'm just plain mad at him for his decisions. In a lot of ways I think it's good, because I am able to preserve my own energy and be more stable. But I also think that it is like blinding myself to the reality of my brother's struggles when I could potentially offer him support (in a less dysfunctional, co-dependent way than I have in the past, which has really only been through conversations with my mom and mostly pretending like nothing's wrong with my brother, as is the norm... family dynamic is pretty dysfunctional here). In distancing myself, I end up seeing myself as superior and him as inept, irresponsible, disconnected from reality (based on the ways he manipulates my mom and himself). I also am merely suppressing the complicated feelings that I have toward my mom for her participation in supporting his irresponsible decisions and allowing him to verbally and at times physically abuse her. If I cannot productively participate in the shifting of these dynamics, then my energies are being drained and only supporting the chaos. So, I distance, but sometimes I distance too much?


Mind wandering to imaginary death:
When my brother offered me the assistance he did, I recognized again how smart he really is and what a good head he has on his shoulders in many ways, not the least of which is that he cares about life and really DOES care about self-responsibility, he is just severely hurting in how to integrate it into his own life. I felt guilty for my prior distancing and wanted to reach out to him to see if we could hang out. When he reached out to me I saw it as somewhat odd, because in fact I HAD reached out to him a few days before to see if he wanted to hang out, and he never responded. So my mind took this oddness and ran with it and the energy that was already charged up over the whole dynamic. It's a habit of my mind to think catastrophically (example: whenever my mom was even 2 minutes late getting home when I was a kid, I would imagine she had been in a car accident and was dead, and I would have to live with my grandparents, and probably not go to school for a while, etc. etc.) and I'm not sure why. I do know that I imagined receiving a call from my mom informing me (along with this I imagined that she might wait and tell me later, because she is notorious for hiding bad news to keep the peace), and not being able to go to work tomorrow, and even writing about it here. Obviously my mind got pretty far before I did anything to try and stop it. I don't know why I did this, and do this. One potential answer that I've had for a few years is that it's similar in a way to how I used to hurt myself: it's like an undeniably obvious reason for the pain I've felt in my life. A lot of the painful things that happened in my family growing up were often glossed over and never dealt with. As a young child observer who was typically not directly involved in the conflict, this was really confusing. My "cries for help" in jr high and high school (cutting myself, eating disorder) were even ignored by my therapist mother and psychologist father. So I think maybe I do this catastrophic thinking, which pretty much always includes the kind of attention I'll get from others for whatever imaginary tragedy, as a way of imagining what it would be like to have my pain recognized and validated.


Why does his imaginary death bring up such strong emotions?
I think if my brother were to actually die and I experienced strong emotions in the aftermath, it would be worth examining, sure, but not surprising. But the real question here is why something IMAGINARY brings up such strong emotions. My first thought is that it's almost like by entertaining this imaginary tragedy, I am in some round-about, ineffective, unproductive way, validating myself and my pain. When the mirrors around me do not reflect the pain I have felt inside, it's hard for even me to trust that pain, to know that it is valid, to know that the shit I've been through was some bullshit that should have never happened in an ideal world. Instead I was often told I actually had an ideal family. So when I imagine these tragedies that would bring unfettered sympathy from people around me, and I actually begin to experience the emotions themselves, even if only briefly (I always cut them off -- they're very intense! more intense I suspect than they might be if the tragedy were to actually occur (in fact I wonder if I might be quite numb were such a tragedy to actually occur)), then it's like... like I've been fed, maybe. That need for validation has been fed via those intense emotions which reassure me that it is in fact possible for something to happen to me that is actually worth validating. Or it could be something else entirely. Maybe I shut off the emotions and then end the cycle precisely because the emotions are so intense and I don't want to feel them. Maybe it is easier to feel valid emotions (ones that don't center around my own insecurities such as anger, jealousy, desperation, etc.) when they are imaginary than it is in real experiences. I think though that I am just sort of "trying on" what it would feel like to have something really undeniably bad happen that my family wouldn't try to keep secret... but there's still the question of that external v internal validation.

I don't know. I'm getting a little lost there, and it's confusing to think and write about while at the same time trying to reorganize my relationship with emotions and feelings as things that I accept and allow. It's a little confusing that I've actually accepted and allowed myself to NOT recognize some of my emotions/feelings as valid, so it's like I need to recognize them as valid, and then recognize them as my own creation. Ahh, it's weird, I'm not sure I get it.

Seeking Confirmation - Interaction with DIP 3.5

I read this section of DIP Lite a few days ago and am still processing these words:

"There is no proof from the perspective that it would imply separation if you were to receive proof of yourself – if proof existed – no self-trust would be possible. You must prove to yourself that you stand in absoluteness, here, in every moment of breath. This is not the want, need and desire ‘for proof’ as a want, need and desire for ‘confirmation/validation’ of self, as in the very act of wanting, needing and desiring confirmation, you are implying that you do not trust yourself. 

Only EGO would request proof so fanatically, because the ego needs proof to validate its own existence and confirm its own ideas/definitions/beliefs as to how it is designed. Self -trust cannot exist in the want, need and desire for/of proof, but only in actual practical self-application/expression as living the tools of self forgiveness, self-corrective action, writing and breathing – where you prove you to yourself as you see yourself here in every moment of breath: whether you’re self-honest or self-dishonest."

One of the most prominent themes in my DIP Lite writing has been my need for external validation throughout my life. For various reasons in my upbringing and what I accepted and allowed in my interactions with my environment over the years, I have lost touch with trust in my self and my experience and my intuition. Don't get me wrong -- sometimes I have a very STRONG sense of trust in myself, a sense which pushes through to an unwavering but un-lasting clarity. But, often, I am tentative, timid, unsure, afraid, and in need. Whether desperately or quietly, I have lived an experience of needing external reassurance for who I am and whether or not I am okay.

This need is insatiable. Whatever reassurance I receive, it is not enough. The next day, the next hour, sometimes the next breath, it is as if it was never given. Because it wasn't given by me, to me.

There's a lot that could be said on this, but really what brought me here was my realization of how my ego needing proof lives too in my speculations about reality and relationships. I will get an ideal, a desire, in my head, and I will seek out evidence to confirm this as truth. I will latch onto this with hope and smiles that what I want is true and is happening or will happen. The sad thing is that this is so delusional that I mostly latch onto the idea that it will happen: it is not happening yet, it is not here, it is not real. As if there is some secret that I've snuck up on and discovered, like peeking in my mom's closet before christmas and knowing that I got a lot of loot (and yet I am so frequently disappointed on christmas, so maybe this analogy can go even further).

So I remain passive and wait, and in waiting I ignore whatever real, actual evidence exists which might deny my desire, OR I neglect any kind of responsibility for achieving what I want. I do not communicate what I want. I am too nervous or shy or embarrassed or scared that it is not true, that I am wrong, that I am delusional, and so I remain in delusion, remain latched onto what little evidence I can find for the positive, and allow myself to be dragged along in emotional energy of excitement and disappointment until... I don't know when. Until evidence becomes real one way or another. Until I move on to some other desire. Until I eventually become my own advocate for what I want, sometimes realizing that what I thought I wanted was premature and not actually something I want. Mostly: vascilating. Unstable. Looking outward to fulfill within.

Yoga, Breath, Sight, & Presence - DIP 2.10.7

Tonight at yoga I had a pretty clear awareness of how a yoga flow is what you make it. Without much planning to do so, I began my "ouija breath" (deep slow audible breaths in and out through the nose) with a kind of breath-by-breath intention (it wasn't really something I decided to do, but once it was established I made a conscious effort to keep it up). I also closed my eyes and then decided to try to keep them closed, which makes it much more important to really focus on balance rather than just taking it for granted. I managed to keep this going for at least the first 10 minutes of class, basically until we got to standing poses where keeping my eyes closed would have almost guaranteed falling over or tweaking my back in a painful way to keep balance. At that point I kept my eyes mostly open and I had less integrity with my breath. I think that keeping my eyes closed at first helped me to focus that much more on my breath as a point of stability within my movements. Any time I peeked my eyes open just to get a visual point of reference, I almost felt bombarded by the visual stimuli. Visuals can really be distracting and chaotic, and the brain's gestalt likes to take visuals for granted, making assumptions about their form or color or even their existence and not seeing the physical for what it really is. So closing down my eyes was actually at least as new and productive an experience in yoga as was really focusing on my breath (even though breath is supposed to be the central aspect of yoga, even before the postures, but so few of us start there because we are wrapped up in fitness and exercise, or looking like everyone else, or doing it right, or competing with others or ourselves). One of the things that I like most about yoga is that it is a facilitated opportunity to be my breath, and I have been making a more concerted effort recently to live that out in my yoga practice. I think I will also try again to keep my eyes closed, or at least do so when I sense myself coming out of or away from my breath. 

By the end of class I was very sweaty and felt I'd had a pretty good practice. I'd been focused, I'd pushed my body to its edge, I hadn't made excuses. But I thought about how there was nothing about the specific postures the teacher called out, or the music she played, and definitely nothing about the stories she told (which if anything I had tried to drown out with my breath), that made that practice so good. It was me and my intention and my heightened integrity and presence within my body and my breath. So I felt empowered. We come up against this a lot in yoga: this is here now, so who will you be? Who will you be in this posture, whether it is uncomfortable or freeing or something else entirely? It really is about practicing becoming one with your body and your breath and responding with and within them, and learning to exist as and in breath and body all the time. So it's cool, and it's good for my body, and I don't feel nearly so lethargic or depressed or anxious or have as many headaches when I practice regularly. 


Feelings:
present
aware
empowered

Emotions:
bombarded
chaotic

Easter, Family, and Self-Dependence - DIP 2.10.6

Deciding between three topics for today, so I'll write on all (not exactly a solution to indecisiveness, but hey):

1. I went over to my mom's for easter today and while I was helping prepare dinner she brought up a topic which turned into a big loud discussion/debate. A family friend had posted a meme on facebook which she found offensive. The meme said: "Happy Pagan Sex Day, or whatever Easter was before the Christians fucked it all up." The discussion wasn't long but after a few minutes my mom's boyfriend got involved and it became a little chaotic. I didn't feel tense (and typically I feel very tense in any kind of conflict, and often don't care to engage in conversations with my mom about religion since we disagree) but I could tell that my mom's boyfriend felt very strongly against what I was saying, whereas my mom was kind of just processing and seemed to come around to my point of view, in a way, by the end. My bottom line was really that my mom was blaming this other individual for her being offended, when in reality what this person says or does does not need to affect her and she is letting herself be offended. My mom's boyfriend, on the other hand, claimed that people who are offended are the people who keep other people "in line" and also that it is the government's job to keep people in line. I just calmly stated that I didn't know if I liked those lines. He then said that if he gets up on the roof and falls off he's going to hurt himself, and that's just the law of nature. And I said yeah, but we're talking about laws of man, which are made up and don't need to be the way they are, and then I said that because of the laws of man, since he doesn't have health insurance, any medical help he would need from that fall would put him in severe debt. He just said he may not need medical help. It wasn't a very compelling argument but it was interesting to see how heated he got. It was all pretty friendly and my mom ended the conversation knowing that we had to go pick people up for dinner and other more important things. After it was over I did finally notice a physical shakiness that usually (visibly) accompanies conflict, but during the "conflict" itself I felt pretty calm and collected. Later at dinner she read an excerpt from some book by Lee Strobel about Jesus and the resurrection and how the fact that his disciples saw him after his resurrection and then were willing to be martyred for that fact was compelling evidence more than any other religion. Normally I would roll my eyes profusely at this but since my involvement with desteni I have come back around (having been raised christian and then become atheist and absolutely rejecting all things christian for a time) to see Jesus as an example of an attempt to implement a best-for-all reality, and through my understanding of a conversation with my friend I have seen him even as not really from this world but indeed a messenger, both god and man (as we all are, I think), but whose message became warped and manipulated by man. So I had no real problem with her excerpt as I would have last year, and thanked her for sharing it even though she expected me to be unhappy with it. At the end of the night, too, I gave her boyfriend a big hug. If anything this "argument" probably brought us all closer as it was one of honesty and understanding and I feel pretty proud of myself for participating in it to the best of my honest and tactful abilities. 

2. My grandpa couldn't come to dinner because he's too sick. He has cancer, in remission, but is also just plain old, and has lots of health problems including ulcerative colitis. There's nothing I can do about any of this, as badly as I want to suggest all kinds of alternative medicines and health practices in the hopes that I can make a difference. I have never lost anyone close to me so his ill health is a reminder of a new challenge to come. 

3. At the end of the night my brother had a bit of a meltdown, as he is prone to do. I already knew he was upset when I picked him up, but he told me he didn't want to talk about it. The night went on pretty okay but by the time our other brother left he was visibly upset again, and he and my mom went into her room to talk, and shortly thereafter I could hear him shouting and crying and throwing/smashing/breaking things. They were in there for at least 20 minutes before he came down and I took him home. He was sad more than mad, which is less scary than having to be with him while he is still mad, but is just as depressing to witness. I knew he wouldn't want to talk at this point, but I told him I love him and gave him hugs and offered to take him to my yoga studio on wednesday and an errand of his choosing (he's upset because he has his car now, but no gas for it, and still no job, and doesn't show up for my mom's generous house cleaning (for pay) offers). 

Historically my response to encountering my brother's struggles is to become overly involved and worried. I spent a long time getting way too wrapped up in my mom's choices in dealing with him, and I spent a long time being mad at him or too frustrated with his choices, so I've shut him out except in pre planned family gatherings. I've tried to stay out of his interactions with my mom and my mom's dealings with him. But maybe there is a way to be in, to be his sister and a point of support. I told him about the "argument" debate thing and my POV that my mom being offended by his roommate's meme had nothing to do with his roommate and everything to do with her and her response choices. He seemed to like that perspective, and told me it was very healthy, and I said "well, I'm trying," with which I wanted to communicate a sense of humility and humanity and imperfection but striving to grow. I know he feels really out of control with his emotional responses. I know that my life is pretty awesome compared to his. I know I'm way more responsible than he is. I know I don't share his extreme struggles (although there are many struggles we do share that we haven't ever bridged together). I can't pretend to. I think one reason I sometimes resist being real with him is that I'm almost embarrassed and feel bad that I can be more capable than he is, when he's my older brother and wants me to admire him. He feels like a failure. But he doesn't take responsibility for his failings. 

Driving home after dropping him off I felt my brow furrow and recognized my automatic response of worry and becoming wrapped up in something I can't control, something too that can serve as justification for any of my own sadness or struggles, something that serves as a reason for others to pity me or think I am strong. Why isn't it enough for me to think I am strong? Why isn't it enough for me to deal with this encounter by myself? Why do I need to reach out to someone and tell them the challenge, even when I actually do feel capable of handling it in a way that breaks my patterns of despondency and helplessness, even when I already know the answer? Why do I want another person to see me as strong, to think "wow" at what I have been through? It is a seeking of external validation because I have taught myself that my self is not enough. 

4. A fourth has come up, as truthfully the majority of point 3 was paraphrased from a chat with my friend, with whom I shared this challenge as a kind of validation seeking behavior. Also in this chat was the excuse that while I have an extensive history of effective and productive journaling (although it's been at least 2 years since I've really been involved in such a practice), I get more out of a conversation, presently, than I do out of completing my DIP assignments. The DIP lite assignments are somewhat limited in the expected format and subject-matter, but that's certainly not a reason not to do my own journaling outside of DIP, nor is it really an excuse not to write whatever the fuck I want in my DIP cause it'll probably get approved anyway. :) I have been taking sweet advantage of the limitations and drawn-out format of DIP lite to feel like I am doing something toward my growth without even really putting so much as a toe in the deep end. I'll get to it. I want to learn SF first. Well, that's bullshit, and whether it's via DIP or my blog (to which I recently started posting my DIP, and so feel like I can't or shouldn't post anything else?) or a personal journal, I need to facilitate opportunities to practice self-reliance in my process without relying on a friend to lend an ear or waiting for my DIP lessons to go deeper or stuffing it all down and snuffing it out because I don't want to actually look at it, certainly not alone. In some ways I'm impatient about it, but mostly I'm relieved that I don't have to go deep "yet." 

emotions:
indecisive

1. 
emotions:
chaotic
frustrated
tense
shaky
unsure
alarmed
opposed

feelings:
calm
mature
tactful
articulate
understanding
informative
brave
proud
honest
open

2. 
emotions:
sad
helpless
disappointed
scared
worried
impotent
ineffective
powerless

3.
emotions:
worried
annoyed (a little)
scared
apathetic
numb
embarrassed
ashamed
ineffective
hopeless

feelings:
humble
capable

4. 
emotions:
lazy
resistant
dependent
incapable
needy
scared
lonely
in-valid
impatient

feelings:
relieved 

Truth Speaks - DIP 2.10.5

When I first began DIP lite, I found myself feeling very enthusiastic and sharing my experience with people around me. Most of the people with whom I shared it were relatively interested or intrigued, but all have since concluded that it is a cult (or at least like to joke with me that it is a cult, and I don't really try to deny this, because there's no amount of reasoning that will change their minds. I merely am sure to demonstrate the ways that my participation and learning has already benefited and assisted me, and as a result I have people in my life who know what I am doing and am supportive of my efforts for self-honesty, even if they do like to make cracks about kool-aid or express concern periodically). Since my enthusiasm waned, I have only introduced two more people to my participation with desteni, one of whom was already familiar with it just from my talking about my friend's participation with it. The other was tonight, with a new friend I met a few weeks ago at my yoga studio. We both have psychology backgrounds and seem to really "vibe" with each other. She's a really down-to-earth, honest person and early on I got the impression that she would probably actually like desteni. Tonight we hung out for the first time outside the yoga studio and had a long conversation about all kinds of things, and I decided it seemed like an appropriate time to open up about desteni specifically and not just my commitment (in-progress) to be honest. In opening up, I was honest: I shared with her the parts of desteni that I think are really cool and that are already impacting my life in useful and beneficial ways. I also was upfront with her about some of the stuff that I think is wacky, and told her upfront about the things that I wasn't really clear enough on to accurately explain. I both was and wasn't surprised at how genuinely interested she was (I was not surprised because I thought she would relate well to it based on what I knew of her, and I know that she enjoys "people-watching" on every level, that is, she enjoys seeing all the different ways that people operate; I was surprised because I told her even about the wacky stuff and she didn't seem all that fazed or turned off by it, just approached it with the same humorous skepticism that I have). We talked for at least an hour specifically about desteni and overall she expressed that she thought it sounded really cool, and she agreed with pretty much all of the foundational ideas I shared with her. It was cool because I have seen her as someone I could become really good, genuine friends with (and this interaction without judgment shows her to be someone who is honest and worthy of trust), and also cool because it was the first time I'd really shared about desteni without being met with much of any resistance (the only thing she didn't want to continue with was she didn't want to watch a video of sunette -- she said she didn't really feel ready for that).

It was also cool because even though in my enthusiasm I was sharing my experience, I was also sharing my excitement, and trying to get others to also feel excited. But this time I was just sharing my experience, and ended up with the other person feeling kind of excited. Not like she's going to go start DIP lite or anything, but I think doors have only opened, not shut. But regardless, my goal right now isn't really to open doors for anyone other than myself at this point in time. But as I noticed with this experience of purely sharing my experience without trying to convince anyone of anything or make them feel a certain way, the result is that my sharing is more convincing. Truth alone is loud enough. My goal is to be honest, and that will be easier with supportive, accepting people around me.

Feelings:surprised
accepted
heard
respected
interesting

Resolution Requires Recognition - DIP 2.10.4

Today was not a very good day. First I noticed myself feeling a little shaky, I presume from caffeine. This discomfort may or may not have led to feelings of irritability, as I was having trouble juggling my internal discomfort with external unpleasant stimuli. This irritability persisted even after a snack and the cessation of the shakiness. My boss told me something about general work performance and I tried to respond calmly but also honestly, which was to say that I do usually do that, and the reason it didn't happen this time was valid (do I need to learn to just say "Okay" to authority figures when it doesn't really matter? I don't know). I had to help a customer who was a little indecisive in a way that made me repeat multiple steps multiple times. I had to trim 1/8" off of a poster and initially didn't mentally access the best way to do that, so I found it challenging. I even threw my measuring tape onto the table at one point. I expressed to my coworker that I didn't really FEEL upset or irritated or mad, but that I could see that my behavior was reflecting those emotions. Not long after that, though, I began to more readily access and recognize the emotions themselves and not just their outward manifestations. I didn't know why I felt that way, so I didn't think I actually did feel that way. But I did. My only rationale for why has to do with hormones and a lack of birth control for the last 2 months, but who knows really. Either way I was not managing my emotions properly and it was affecting my work and my interactions negatively. I began with denial that there even was a problem. Upon recognizing the problem (most notably through a physical outburst of throwing my measuring tape) I began to be able to curb it. By the end of the day I still wasn't in a great mood, but I wasn't acting out about it so much as remaining relatively quiet and sighing sometimes. I think I was and still am breathing pretty shallow, too, which I think is actually a pretty important element of how my day went. Even in recognizing my shallow breaths, I had a hard time deepening them.

Possibly worthy to note is that this is the first day in almost a month that I would describe myself as having felt stressed. Precisely why, I am not sure. Potential reasons: plans to frame personal photos after work (so I don't get to leave when I'm done), interview set up at potential new job, knowing I need to inform my boss of this interview, negative interaction with boss already, lots of people and things going on in my work space (more than usual), change in schedule, unusual plans this weekend... there are all kinds of reasons to be stressed every day, though. But maybe some threshold was passed today. Either way if I can be here with my breath I should be able to handle it without allowing it to affect me negatively. 


Emotions - All negative:challenged
irritable
mad
unstable
defensive
frustrated (with myself for my reactions)
stressed

Every Moment is Substantial - DIP 2.10.3

I spent a fair amount of energy today concerning myself with what I could write about tonight. I felt like I didn't have much to work with, but now I'm anticipating a big outflow (which I will attempt to reel in). 
1. I read an article today about automatic responses (especially as they relate to spending/shopping habits). I think that a lot of my work duties are pretty automatic for me at this point. I know how to go through the steps of various kinds of orders, and I can do them with relatively low conscious involvement. In some ways this is nice because I can really focus on each step individually and breathing through each step in particular (a convenient time to practice conscious active breathing), but as I just stated it's also easy to not really be present and not really see all of the opportunities for writing, for example, that I encounter throughout the day. 
2. I thought maybe I could write about a brief 5 minute period during which a coworker was basically chatting on the phone with someone from another store. Some of it was work-related but not all of it. I found myself irritated. I told myself reasons to feel irritated: "I'm trying to listen to my music." "I hate listening to one side of a conversation." "I never get to just stand around and chat or do nothing; I always have work to do" which was followed by emotions of bitterness and resentment. I halfway decided on this as my topic for tonight, but also felt like it painted me in a bad light and wasn't very substantial. The thought of not wanting to paint myself in a bad light is ripe enough alone to write about, and every moment is substantial if you are present with it. 
3. After work I went to my friend's house to go to her gym together. Plenty could also be written about the gym if I had taken the energy and presence to analyze what was happening. I didn't much, though. When I got back into my car in her neighborhood afterward, I realized I'd left the back right window rolled almost all the way down. I looked around to see if all my stuff was there, and it was. I was surprised and relieved. Her neighborhood isn't the greatest, and although a yoga mat and towel don't seem like a great steal, they are expensive, and my ipod was in the middle console. 
4. After the gym I had to stop and buy milk, and as I entered the parking lot I saw a homeless man holding a sign about his homelessness and hunger. I decided that I would buy him a sandwich, and rushed in to select a 14" sub and my milk. I exited hoping he would still be there. He was. I rolled down my window on my way out and handed it to him. He introduced himself and told me to have a good day and thanked me and then said he hoped I had a good day and would have a good night. I felt good, but mostly I think I felt relieved that he was still there and that I was able to give him food (as opposed to him having decided to leave right before I got back outside). 
Yesterday I took myself on a little shopping spree. I spent more money than I should have, but I did get some good deals. I spent about 32x what it cost me to buy that man a sandwich today, and I think the sandwich purchase was infinitely more valuable. Although it wasn't the most healthy selection, it was large enough that he could potentially span it over a week if he was careful. It would certainly fill his belly at least twice. A meaningless sandwich and near worthless dollar amount to me meant not being hungry for him. It reminded me of how much I used to like living in cities where the homeless population was high, if only so that they were more accessible for me to, in whatever small way, usually direct food or clothing donations, assist in the improvement of their quality of life. It also reminded me how easy it is to reach out in meaningful ways. 
1. 
emotions:
unconscious
neglectful
automatic

2. emotions:
irritated
annoyed
bitter
resentful
judgmental 
shameful
selfish

3. feelings:
grateful
surprised

4. emotions:
worried
rushed

feelings:fulfilled
helpful
good