Nervousness and Ambivalence - DIP 3.8.7

Step 1. Do a short writeup describing a situation/event/interaction where you experienced an emotion or a feeling as an energetic reaction:

Today's situation is the time proximity to a job interview I have in the morning. I was offered this interview about two weeks ago, and I've appreciated the extra time to "prepare," although I didn't really prepare any materials until yesterday and I haven't begun processing mentally or emotionally until today. Last week I felt excited and had a "good feeling" about it. Today, and now, I feel ambivalent and nervous.

Step 2. Identify the first instance where an energetic reaction as emotion or feeling was expressed within the writing:

I felt excited and had a "good feeling," then I began to and still feel nervous and ambivalent.

Step 3. Ask questions to understand, in greater detail, the emotion/feeling as an energetic reaction you wrote about:

Why have I felt excited/had a "good feeling"? Why do I feel nervous and ambivalent today? What does time have to do with that shift, if anything? What can I do to prepare for tomorrow?

Step 4. Answer the questions - push yourself to be specific:

• I've felt excited because this job sounds right up my alley. It's not working with teens, but that's okay. It is working with adults with developmental disabilities who sometimes display assaultive behaviors and therefore need assistance in achieving vocational goals. As far as I can tell, this organization also has programs for art, drama, and music activities with these individuals. So, it's basically super awesome. I've been away from my old job that I loved for just over a year now, and all along I've been wanting to find a job like it. This one is like it.
  
• I've had a "good feeling" because it seems like I meet all of their requirements and have experience that is very relevant. I have also been telling myself that I am going to be 25 in a month, and I want to be on track, doing something I really care about. So, if the universe is going to conspire in my favor, now seems like the time to do it, thus the superstitious "good feeling," which has actually fed some of my ambivalence as it seems like a real possibility that I may have to make a decision (all future there! not present, not here, not real).
  
• Today I feel nervous because the interview is happening SOON, although not yet, and as far as I know it is a panel interview, which makes it quite intimidating. I am not so much concerned with how to present myself positively; I tend to do well in interviews IF I am present. That is to say, if I do not have a migraine, or I don't feel "out of it," as is sometimes the case. I don't really know how to best navigate those instances when they arise, but I have some idea of how to prevent them, so I am trying to do that tonight.
  
• Today I feel ambivalent because I really love my current job, and I love the people I work with, and I make good money compared to what else is out there, and my schedule is relatively flexible, and I get to listen to music all day, and frame cool art, and get a discount, and all kinds of other positives. I also have full benefits and in about a month I'll start getting paid holidays, vacations, and sick leave. I am also VERY GOOD at my job.
  
  But I am not passionate about it. I almost couldn't care less. I want to make a difference in peoples' lives, not empty their wallets so they can hang stuff on their walls. I want to use my skills, my patience, my experience, my understanding, my compassion, my indifference over my own physical safety, for the benefit of people who so often get shit from life. I was also VERY GOOD at my old job.
  
  And this could go back and forth for a while. But honestly the specifics of my present ambivalence make no difference in picking apart the ambivalence and indecision that I face in so many areas of my life. The specifics don't even really help me with this specific instance, especially since I haven't been offered the job. I'm not really sure what DOES help, except stopping and breathing and realizing where I am and what I am doing right now, and who I can be and will be and am.
  
• I think that time is affecting this from two directions: time has passed and my excitement waned until I didn't think much about the upcoming interview at all. Time is also approaching and a part of me wants to just fast forward to the interview being over with. A part of me feels so nervous and ambivalent about this interview that I can see it as a possibility to enter into apathy as an escape. To not even try, not even participate in creating an outcome (which is still contributing to the outcome). But I won't do that. I have to at least try. And so I see time cropping up again: This interview is in 12 hours. My materials are ready. The other things I need to do to get ready are:
  
• Prepare my lunch. Figure out what I'll wear. Bring my work clothes to change into. Find a park I can hang out at between the interview and work. Get a good sleep. Wake up early and do all that morning stuff. Stay present in each of these steps and definitely do not stress because stress is a huge trigger for migraines. So I could sit here and write more, and maybe I will come back and write more, but for now it's like I'm picking away at something that just needs to sit and be. It's in 12 hours. I will meet it in 12 hours. 

Any advice is invited, always. 

Mission & Values - They totally know what's up!