Today I was in a situation where, around when I should have been able to take my lunch, I was basically running the store by myself. It so happened that we had a rush of customers at the same time, which was overwhelming. I was also quite hungry, so much so that I felt a bit faint and shaky. A customer arrived who wanted to place 6 different small orders, so I helped her. I felt really frustrated because I physically did not feel well, I felt a bit abandoned by my coworkers, and I was frustrated because the orders I was taking for this customer were going to severely hurt my average, which meant that one of those two coworkers will probably talk to me in a week about getting my numbers up.
Step 2. Identify the first instance where an energetic reaction as emotion or feeling was expressed within the writing:
I felt frustrated and overwhelmed. I also felt mad and resentful toward my coworkers. I also felt mad for an imagined future event wherein someone would tell me my numbers weren't good enough.
Step 3. Ask questions to understand, in greater detail, the emotion/feeling as an energetic reaction you wrote about:
Why did I allow myself to feel overwhelmed in a situation that I really could handle, and that, if it got too out of hand, I would receive help? Why did I choose to feel resentment toward my coworkers? Why did I feel mad over an imagined future event regarding my average? Why did I latch onto the idea that I should be able to take my lunch when most days I don't want to take it until the end of the hour? Why did I let all of this probably show on my face so that my customer probably didn't feel like I enjoyed working with her? Why did I take something that's really not that big a deal and make it into a mini disaster in my mind?
Step 4. Answer the questions - push yourself to be specific:
I think an overarching answer in all of this will be my physical state, which was one of hunger, low blood sugar, feeling faint and short of breath. Ideally I would have gotten to go eat for the sake of my body.
But, my body being uncomfortable and hungry doesn't mean that my mind automatically had to do everything, or anything, it did. SO:
I allowed myself to feel overwhelmed in a situation that really wasn't that bad because for some reason I wanted to assume the victim/martyr role. I could have just as easily (more easily!) accomplished what I needed to without the attitude, without allowing myself to feel overwhelmed, stressed, or frustrated. And if I really needed help, I could have said something. If anything it's a sign that my 3 superiors, all of whom were present, trust my abilities, that they didn't offer any help.
I allowed myself to feel resentment toward my coworkers because I allowed myself to think about how much easier it would be to do what they were doing than it was to take those orders, hurting my average, while hungry and faint. But they were doing their jobs, and I was doing mine, and even if they weren't doing their jobs, I was still doing mine. My resentment also indicates a part of myself that believes myself to be more important, I guess the part that operates from self-interest. It is more important for me to get to take my lunch and do what I want to do than it is for anyone else to do what they need to do. Someone else should come over here and take over these multiple orders and hopefully they'll have to log out too and get the numbers on their name. No.
I have memories of being told that my order averages are too low. Being told that my averages are too low is obviously a criticism and as I've already written, I have a hard time receiving that. So I often make up excuses and rationale for this. In this instance I was imagining the future incident of being told my averages were too low on the basis of the orders I was presently taking, and I was feeling mad because I thought that it would have been more appropriate for one of my coworkers to take the orders and for me to take my lunch. Even though I know I am not going to get a raise any time soon, I have allowed myself to dislike the discipline I receive for my low averages enough that I care about the averages, which are actually meaningless to me, more than the customer, which is a part of my job I actually usually enjoy. Backwards.
I latched onto the idea that I should be able to take my lunch primarily because I was so hungry and really would have benefited from taking my lunch. It was also an excuse for feeling especially mad and resentful. But I typically don't take my lunch until right before my 5th hour, so there was no reason for anyone to think I might care to take it earlier today.
I don't know if I let this all show on my face, but I have reason to believe that I tend to let my emotions show on my face (well don't we all, anyway? haha). I do know that when I was finished and ringing my customer up, I finally smiled at her, and she seemed to brighten up, and I realized I hadn't been very friendly the entire time. I didn't say anything to her, like apologize or anything, but I did try to finish up the rest of the transaction with a more friendly, personable attitude, thanked her, told her I'd call her as soon as they were all done. I probably let it show on my face, though, because I was more interested in myself and my needs and desires than I was in doing my job and helping my customer regardless of what my coworkers were doing. This actually sucks a lot because I really do enjoy the personable aspect of customer service and helping customers in a friendly, customer-centered way. It sucks that I did not provide that experience for this customer.
I took something that didn't need to be a big deal and made it a big deal because I didn't stop and breathe. That's really all there is to it. My energy took the lead.
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