"There is no proof from the perspective that it would imply separation if you were to receive proof of yourself – if proof existed – no self-trust would be possible. You must prove to yourself that you stand in absoluteness, here, in every moment of breath. This is not the want, need and desire ‘for proof’ as a want, need and desire for ‘confirmation/validation’ of self, as in the very act of wanting, needing and desiring confirmation, you are implying that you do not trust yourself.
Only EGO would request proof so fanatically, because the ego needs proof to validate its own existence and confirm its own ideas/definitions/beliefs as to how it is designed. Self -trust cannot exist in the want, need and desire for/of proof, but only in actual practical self-application/expression as living the tools of self forgiveness, self-corrective action, writing and breathing – where you prove you to yourself as you see yourself here in every moment of breath: whether you’re self-honest or self-dishonest."One of the most prominent themes in my DIP Lite writing has been my need for external validation throughout my life. For various reasons in my upbringing and what I accepted and allowed in my interactions with my environment over the years, I have lost touch with trust in my self and my experience and my intuition. Don't get me wrong -- sometimes I have a very STRONG sense of trust in myself, a sense which pushes through to an unwavering but un-lasting clarity. But, often, I am tentative, timid, unsure, afraid, and in need. Whether desperately or quietly, I have lived an experience of needing external reassurance for who I am and whether or not I am okay.
This need is insatiable. Whatever reassurance I receive, it is not enough. The next day, the next hour, sometimes the next breath, it is as if it was never given. Because it wasn't given by me, to me.
There's a lot that could be said on this, but really what brought me here was my realization of how my ego needing proof lives too in my speculations about reality and relationships. I will get an ideal, a desire, in my head, and I will seek out evidence to confirm this as truth. I will latch onto this with hope and smiles that what I want is true and is happening or will happen. The sad thing is that this is so delusional that I mostly latch onto the idea that it will happen: it is not happening yet, it is not here, it is not real. As if there is some secret that I've snuck up on and discovered, like peeking in my mom's closet before christmas and knowing that I got a lot of loot (and yet I am so frequently disappointed on christmas, so maybe this analogy can go even further).
So I remain passive and wait, and in waiting I ignore whatever real, actual evidence exists which might deny my desire, OR I neglect any kind of responsibility for achieving what I want. I do not communicate what I want. I am too nervous or shy or embarrassed or scared that it is not true, that I am wrong, that I am delusional, and so I remain in delusion, remain latched onto what little evidence I can find for the positive, and allow myself to be dragged along in emotional energy of excitement and disappointment until... I don't know when. Until evidence becomes real one way or another. Until I move on to some other desire. Until I eventually become my own advocate for what I want, sometimes realizing that what I thought I wanted was premature and not actually something I want. Mostly: vascilating. Unstable. Looking outward to fulfill within.
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