Past, Future, Here & Now - Day 13

For months I have imagined and hoped for A. Suddenly I find myself imagining and hoping for B. Within both imaginary hoped-for future realities, I am presently learning to reel and real it in, such that I do not invest as much energy, and perhaps eventually none at all, in the future in such a way that neglects and/or inhibits and/or prohibits the actual getting-there through the here and now within the physical as my breath. Within this I must learn patience, I must examine my sense of urgency, I must examine why the here and now is not a sufficient place to reside, I must investigate why I am not always already okay.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to invest myself and my energy into imagined and hoped-for futures such that I do not live in the here and now with the physical as my breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to align my commitments and loyalties to imagined and hoped-for futures such that I pass up or miss opportunities in the here and now, limiting myself within a framework that isn't even real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach myself to imagined and hoped-for futures such that when and as I see before me evidence for an alternative present which does not promote my imagined and hoped-for futures, or evidence for an alternative future, it is difficult for me to detach, dismantle, and let go of the expectations I have made for my preconceived imagined hoped-for future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so aligned with something that does not even exist yet in the here and now that I limit myself in the here and now and I limit my potential within my imagined hoped-for futures.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still always engage with imagined hoped-for futures, even if it is an alternative to a pre-established imagined hoped-for future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my well-being in the future and dependent on variables I cannot control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to almost always be looking to the future such that I do not establish a solid foundation within the here and now such that whatever imagined or hoped-for futures I may invest my energy in, I am not actually doing anything at all to achieve them, and in fact am building up energy that will contribute to sabotage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always attach myself to something or someone in such a way that I am rarely not imagining or hoping for something or someone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my imagination and hopes can come true by imagining and hoping for them, by bolstering my mind with evidence supporting them and ignoring evidence against them, and basically manipulating and lying to myself about what is real and what can and will be real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not participate within the here and now as the only means to achieve any kind of self-directed future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blind myself to alternative present realities and opportunities by aligning myself with and committing myself to my imagined hoped-for futures.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon recognizing a future that I would like to have happen, not have the patience to wait and see if that future even makes sense, and let common sense guide me into my future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to take control of my future in such a way that I am not even doing anything practical to achieve it but instead am building up energy within me that manifests as emotional instability and cognitive dissonance such that I will likely self-sabotage and implode on my imagined and hoped-for futures.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the plethora of ways and instances in which I have already self-sabotaged in my life, and instead have assumed the role of victim or entered confusion and thus anxiety over the lack of control I seem to have. I have control over myself here and now in the physical through my breath and within this I have relative control over my future, but only by living here and now. When I am always looking ahead, I will trip.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage with a sense of urgency over making my imagined and hoped-for futures my present, wherein even if these futures are excellent, common-sensical options for me, in trying to manifest them now I am skipping over the process of getting there, and there will be no foundation for these present-futures to thrive on or grow from.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be okay with being with my breath, with myself, with the physical, in the here and now. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to learn that it is preferable to live in my mind away from the physical in imagined futures or remembered pasts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to navigate the present through the lenses and filters of my remembered past and imagined future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop proficiency in existing through my mind in my past and future when I could develop that same proficiency and comfort and stability existing in the here and now with my breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not always already okay, that I need something to be different about today, that I need something to be vastly different about tomorrow, and that I need to drag around all the shit from yesterday.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just be, here, now.