As I move through this process I am encountering some emotions that could propel me backward or into paralysis if I were to accept or allow such a response. When I first began DIP Lite one of my first emotional reactions was one of intimidation. I'd already become somewhat familiar with various aspects of desteni through conversations, but when I began my own written process through DIP Lite and began more consistently reading material published by others on their blogs, I saw just how serious an undertaking this is.
Desteni is not merely a philosophy to which I can refer or of which I can remind myself when I feel down to make me feel better. It isn't just a system of ideas for making me feel like I can make and am making a difference in the world. It is an application to be applied daily, in every breath, and you really have to work it. I really have to work it. And that's hard. There's going to be countless moments of resistance within that.
But the cool thing is that, at least inasmuch as I understand now, all I really have to do is keep doing. All I really have to do is do it. Move forward. Walk through it. I will hit lots of walls, but as long as I keep hitting them, I will break through them.
A wall that I am interested in examining and breaking through presently is this intimidation and self-doubt of my capabilities. I feel pretty DUMB. I've actually spent many years going deep into journaling. I have a program that has worked for me, or at least I have known how to work it. It has been beneficial, sure, but not perfect. Now I am transitioning to a new foundation, a new starting point, and I'm losing my footing. I feel unstable, I feel inept. I know how to consider myself one way, but not this new way. And it doesn't just come into play with the writing process. Walking DIP Lite and learning about desteni, I am completely reorganizing and redefining my world, my life, my self. So as I step away from one pattern or idea or habit or foothold, there is that period of instability before I find the next, and within that instability I notice especially: a sense of a lack of articulation, a sense of saying "okay, I've done enough for now, let's take a break," and a growing skill to see who I am not YET but not who I will never be. So actually, realizing all of this helps a lot with the feeling of intimidation. Because intimidation is the wall. It says: You cannot pass. But I see that I can, and will, if I keep trying, honestly, with integrity. The instability is a phase of the transition. It will come up again in other ways, I'm sure, or maybe in the same way, but it will get better, and I will find my footing as long as I keep trying. I will find my articulation if I keep pouring my foundation and if I can push through the feeling of giving up, even if only for now, or for the rest of the day (although I'm not 100% against this strategy of rest), and I will get through the wall and I will change and along with that, intimidation will become a thing of my anxious past wherein I am not enough. I will be enough. I am enough, but I just don't live being enough yet. I cannot be intimidated if I am one and equal with all. Someday, intimidation will not exist.
No comments :
Post a Comment