Today was the first day that I noticed, as I let my mind wander to the future, feelings of nervousness about starting my new job in one week. I had figured previously that nervousness would indeed come. I had also recently felt very ready to start my new job and impatient about having to wait. Now, especially when I get into my mindspace and consider the timeline of days until my new job starts, I notice a feeling of nervousness manifesting especially in my stomach as well as a creasing between my brows. This nervousness is uncomfortable and sends me into a reactionary loop of supplementary thoughts and emotions wherein I equate physical and emotional sensations of nervousness with automatically thinking I am incapable, I will fuck up, I am not actually worthy of the opportunity, and I want to hide / avoid / escape, instead of just seeing that I am nervous and trying to understand why.
The weird thing is that I'm not even really imagining any scenarios with the job or interactions to make me nervous. It really just seems to come down to time, and impending doom... I mean change. Which I guess makes sense because within that change there is a lot of unknown, and within that unknown there is a definite lack of pictures and ideas about what to expect. I wonder if there is more to it that I am not allowing myself to realize, maybe that I am suppressing as I try to suppress the feeling of nervousness and go into hiding / avoiding / escaping. Maybe if I actually do try to imagine scenarios and outcomes I can show myself how there really is no need to feel nervous, because whatever I might face, I can handle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself into a future event such that I have an emotional energetic reaction to something that is not here in the physical with me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate the physical sensation of "butterflies" in my stomach and a furrowing of my brow with the emotional state of nervousness, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my identification of myself as nervous with all of the negative connotations that the word carries for me wherein nervousness is not something I want to feel.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go from a place of nervousness seemingly automatically into thoughts about how I am not capable, or I am not good enough, or I am not worthy of the opportunity that has been offered to me. It's as if I believe these thoughts to be true merely because I feel nervous, and that I feel nervous because these thoughts are true, because I did not even entertain these thoughts before the sensation of nervousness arose. They feed each other.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to suppress my nervousness as a way to avoid facing it honestly. Suppression will only make it grow. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give the sensation of nervousness so much power that I react to it with escapism. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not capable even of facing nervousness honestly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify change as a "bad" "scary" thing wherein anything new or different is a struggle for me to encounter and I permit feelings of anxiety to permeate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself and my ability to stand in each moment with my breath. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to shut down or off in order to avoid / escape uncomfortable thoughts and feelings when I could just breathe and practice being here and now with my breath in the physical so that I can do the same tomorrow and the next day and on my start date.
I have a growing migraine right now and I don't feel very capable of concentrating or articulating. So, that's it for now.
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