Self Honesty in Communication - Explorative Writing

Sometimes I experience anxiety in my communication, especially electronic communication. I'll find myself rereading something I've typed over and over, editing it for clarification or deleting parts, and then reach a moment of stepping back (probably not far enough) either from tiredness of the editing process or when it is "done," and trying to examine the message as a whole and its value conversationally as well as what it portrays or communicates about me. What feelings might it invoke in the other person, especially about me? How will I seem to them? I typically don't even answer these questions (which are problematic starting points for communication anyway) and skip ahead instead to the question of honesty. Is what I have written honest? Again, I often don't answer this question. Instead I either 1) rationalize that here I have written it, so to send it would be most honest regardless of its value or integrity, or 2) delete it and give up, maybe starting over, maybe not.

With 1, I think the fuel to my rationalized impulsivity is the secret unrecognized answers to my problematic questions of ego, facade, and attempts at power or control over another person's experience in the conversation. Quietly in my mind I think that what I have written will evoke a desired response. Often, however, it does not. Often immediately after pressing send I am swept with anxiety because perhaps what I said was so emotionally charged that now I don't know what to expect in response and I have in fact surrendered my control even over myself, let alone those things which I cannot control. Other times too I am accessibly apathetic about having sent it, waiting for a response, but often let down by the response, usually in such a way where I see that what I wrote was not honest and was not the way I wished I had represented myself in this interaction.

With 2, I at least have an opportunity to come back with honesty, with greater clarity. A chance to stop and breathe and increase presence in my presentation, or to back up all the way and release myself from participating at all, which may or may not be beneficial depending on the circumstance.

Often my extrapolations of how my conversation partner will view me are based solely on the character that I have projected onto them of who they are and what they think of me already, which is only one of the many problems which make those questions futile and indeed detrimental. I do not wish to judge myself but it should not be my concern what other people think of me not should it be my concern how I can best manipulate my presentation to create a favorable character of myself. My utmost concern should be honesty and within that there is actually wiggle room to express myself honestly and honestly shift my expression when met with new information or stimuli. With that room, that forgiveness, there is not need for anxiety over results, because results, like starting points, will be honest. And this is what it means to let go of attachments to outcomes.