A Wrench in My Plans or a Bump in the Road - Day 102

I've now returned from Tahoe (7/28) and have come home to find that my apartment manager has not finished the project he was supposed to finish two days ago, and also my entire apartment, except my bedroom because the door was closed, is covered in dust from the grout mixture from tiling my shower walls (which had to be replaced because the previous walls were caving in / rotting). I became very very very frustrated with this and felt like it put a huge wrench in my whole plan that I delineated on Day 99. I tried to keep pretty calm and just express my interpretation of the problem to my apartment manager to see what solutions we could find, and had relative success in this, so that is in the works.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become reactive as angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, and feeling like my plans for how to use my time in organizing my apartment are ruined.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become reactive with emotions that do not do anything to actually practically solve the problem in front of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed with emotions and then to use these emotions as a bridge to other emotions that have been coming up inside me so that I almost allowed myself to decide that it was "all too much" and almost allowed myself to just break down dramatically because of "everything that has been wrong" where here I wanted to cry and whine and complain and feel sorry for myself rather than supporting myself and taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this means I cannot continue with the plans I laid out in Day 99.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this ruins my last week of vacation / break time before starting my new job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go from my reaction to this specific situation into creating emotional energy about my experiences living in this apartment, in this complex, with this manager as a whole.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider briefly simply moving, as my mom suggested I do since there are "all these problems here," and to within this thought become very overwhelmed and frustrated and angry because I have not really been settled in a home anywhere for almost 2 years now, and I do not like being in limbo / transition, I really want to just be settled and have stability in my living arrangement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and maintain instability in my living environments for reasons of my own creation, including like as discussed in Day 100, so that when things like this happen which are outside of my control, I become not only reactive about the situation in front of me but also activate a build up of anger at myself for having neglected to get myself settled here after all this time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a negative relationship with my home as my physical environment and then to become attached to the idea of getting settled here such that now the thought/idea of moving is frustrating / overwhelming and I am vacillating between polarities of disliking my environment vs not wanting to leave.



I'm not going to move, I don't think, and after deciding to simply clean off my work space and kitchen and to set myself to the tasks I had decided to accomplish today, I am seeing that this "problem" is not really that big a deal and that my reaction was not really necessary / did not assist me or my apartment manager in resolving the problem. Nonetheless there are some practical expectations with renting and repairs, so I still have to figure out what exactly to do here. My mom wants to complain to the landlord so that the landlord will hopefully see that he is expecting too much of the apartment manager, but I do not want to do this if it will get the apartment manger "in trouble," but then this isn't really my responsibility either way. I am a tenant who pays rent on time and it is appropriate to expect certain quality of work and to expect that my living space be habitable / my belongings not be damaged in any way, no? Undecided on how to proceed.


When and as I see myself becoming frustrated with an unexpected "problem" / "wrench" in my plans and feeling like this ruins my plans, I stop and I breathe. I realize that things come up and that I must assist and support myself through these points as they arise. I realize that it is very unlikely that my plans are actually ruined, they simply must be adjusted. So I commit myself to assisting myself with my breath and writing if necessary, and to address the first problem that it makes sense to address. I commit myself to seeing how I must rearrange / adjust my plans and doing so. I commit myself to not going into a reaction of overwhelmingness where I want to give up and scratch the whole thing just because of this one bump in the road. I commit myself to flexibility with movement and existence within the present moment, where sometimes (often) things happen that are not planned / foreseen / in my control.

I commit myself also to realizing how often I am my own wrench in my plans, how often I create my own problems, how often I deter myself from my own path, and so I commit myself to continuing to learn how to direct myself in self honesty as my own self directive principle and not to be influenced / swayed by my emotional states / reactions such that I neglect my responsibilities / the things that I have established for myself as wanting to accomplish.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become shaky within the perceived "conflict" in having to have this conversation with my apartment manager.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that this conversation would not go well and so to fear engaging in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated at the evasive conversational style of my apartment manager where he did not really want to take responsibility for the ineffectualness of his work in this project or for the fact that the methods he used left a thick layer of dust throughout my apartment on all of my belongings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sympathetic toward my apartment manager because I know how much work he has to do and how he works far beyond that which he is paid, and he is depressed and stressed and is not doing well with his physical health.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within this sympathy, want to just tell him it's okay and basically just suppress my reaction and pretend like it isn't a big deal just to not make him upset or give him more stress / grief, deal with the mess myself and just move on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to also however be quite mad and irate with the quality of his work and the consequences as the inconvenience/hassle to me / mess on my belongings as well as his lack of communication, so that I had a difficult time balancing my reactions which made it difficult to engage in conversation from a starting point of self honesty and stability in consideration of what is best for all.


I really feel bad for the guy; he has way too much work on his plate and I know his personal life is in shambles as well. There are things he could and should have done differently but he is also not receiving any support from the landlord and the expectations of his duties are unreasonably high. So it is hard for me to tell what is best, even though as a tenant it seems obvious that I should not have to deal with this: damage of my personal belongings, ineffective communication of schedule of project, ineffective/combative communication about what is happening, and possible/probable unsafe air to breathe for myself and my dog. I do feel satisfied at the results of our conversation however and he knows that I am not upset with him personally and that I understand the circumstances of why/how this panned out the way it did. So it would seem that everything is going to be okay. Obviously it is not the end of the world. I have a place to live and things to get dusty.


When and as I see myself with conflicting emotions/feelings in regards to a point of communication, I stop and I breathe. I breathe and I consider in self honesty what is my responsibility here, how am I reacting and what is actually supportive of the situation. I commit myself to writing if I have the opportunity and otherwise to tread lightly and carefully, communicating myself clearly, taking ownership for the emotions I am displaying and acknowledging that they are just reactions. I commit myself to finding what it is that really needs to be addressed in communication and finding a mutual understanding within that point.


---


And now later I have had further interaction via text with my apartment manager in which it has become clear that he has been talking about me behind my back to another tenant and wants to laugh with this person about me within this situation. (He accidentally sent a text to me that was meant for another tenant about coming over and reading "what the red head tenant I did the tile for said....lol.")


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad for my apartment manager and within this excuse him from the duties of his job for which he is paid (the scale of which is none of my business / not my responsibility) and for which I pay my rent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a blurring of the boundaries between what is professional and personal such that I have been friendly toward my apartment manager and sympathetic and allowed him to do a bad job because I feel bad for him, and also have offered him some of my own food because I know that he is not taking care of himself through feeding himself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself therefore to participate in this blurring of boundaries which it is clear that he is participating in heavily within his work/living arrangement here so that I am also participating in this so that I cannot say that I am not responsible for this dynamic where he believes he can get away with doing a shitty job because we are on friendly terms.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow shitty workmanship when higher quality is expected within my lease agreement and my consistency in following through on my end of the contract so that I have set a precedent that it is okay for my apartment manager to not follow through on his end of the contract because I have accepted and allowed this blurring of boundaries of professional/personal relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my reaction to him calling me "sweetie" or other things he has said/done that have "creeped me out" such that I have probably actually behaved in ways that have indicated to him that I am uncomfortable which he has then been left to interpret however, so that here I have participated in the creation of a dishonest communication between myself and my apartment manager by not setting boundaries and keeping those boundaries in terms of comfort, respect, and professionalism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let these things that "creep me out" and also the shitty workmanship to "slide" so that now I see there are consequences where there are secrets on both ends where clearly my apartment manager does not actually think/feel about me the way that he displays openly by being nice and calling me "sweetie" and acting grateful for my sympathy, and also as I have described above I have opposing energies in regards to my apartment manager and who he is and the job he does where I feel both angry and fed up but also sympathetic and protective (enabling).

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to really take responsibility for myself in my living arrangement through communication, relationships, and establishing appropriate expectations/boundaries.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be swayed by the manipulation of this person who has not wanted to face himself / me and take responsibility for his work ethic or the results of his work but has tried to avoid direct conversation and has sought to appease me through being nice / also showing that he is in physical and emotional pain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel both angry and sympathetic, to want to make things easier on someone else at my own expense while suppressing my anger so that my anger does come out in some form eventually.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the creation of these consequences which have come to pass in this recent development.


See more photos and explanation here. 



This is also very frustrating because I have JUST established for myself to really finally actually get settled here and enjoy living here and make this space my own. Like I have cleared all these points on living here and how to make this place work (although these same points apply to any place I could live) and now this comes up where I am not sure I feel comfortable living here with an apartment manager like this.


One definite drawback to living here, aside from the other obvious ones, is that I do not get cell phone reception in my apartment. This has been quite frustrating in terms of keeping in touch with people, making plans, and also making necessary phone calls for various things. So I suppose one thing I can do is write out all the pros/cons / different sides of this situation to see if I can determine what is best / makes the most sense.

The Nature of Anxiety Exercise - Day 18

Tonight I listened to The Nature of Anxiety - Atlanteans' Support - Part 82, and gained some insight on what anxiety is and what function/purpose it serves. Mainly I learned that my consciousness utilizes anxiety as a short-cut to directing me into emotional/feeling energy. So anxiety is really like a flag-point to where, when and as I see myself experiencing anxiety, I can know that I am about to move or be moved, and I can intervene and stop my mind and be my own self-directive principle.

The other point that stood out to me was the point that I cannot be unnecessarily hard on myself. It will take time, practice, dedication, and discipline for me to stop energy before it comes up. So this is important to know when and as I see myself being impatient with myself and my process and becoming discouraged within and as myself. 

It was suggested at the end of the interview to make a list of 3-5 specific instances in my life where I find I go into anxiety, and to describe the scenario with the specific moment that anxiety appears, as this is the moment that I can capture and intervene and decide for myself who I will be in that moment. Presumably the next interview discusses self-forgiveness over these instances and moves on to other ways to assist and support oneself within and as anxiety, so here I will try to first determine what personality/character I tend to go into in each of these instances, then I will apply some self forgiveness and try out my new self corrective statement skills. There will be a lot more that could be opened up on each of these, so that will be nice to come back to in the future when I undoubtedly meet resistance and don't know what to write. It will not be short, but I think it will be pretty sweet!

1. When I think about conflict or see someone with whom I am in "conflict"
• Sometimes I become quite defensive, but I think just as much I become rather helpless and scared. 
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view another person through the filter of "conflict" wherein when I am "in conflict" with that person and I see or think about them, I participate in feeling defensive and/or helpless and scared. 
• When and as I see myself participating in feeling defensive and/or helpless and scared within the context of being "in conflict" with someone, I stop and I breathe. 
• I realize that when I participate within and as a feeling of defensiveness and/or helplessness and fear, I am not directing myself to resolve the "conflict" within a common sense best for all solution. 
• I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can come back to myself honestly and direct myself to see myself and the other person as one and equal and to seek honest understanding, communication, and resolution without the interference of emotional reaction. 
2. When I think about making art
• Often I go from anxiety about making art into thoughts about being incapable of creating art that is as "good" as past work. 
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be intimidated by the process of making art such that I doubt that I am able to create art that I "like" or that is as "good" as art I have created in the past. 
• When and as I see myself participating within and as intimidation at the process of making art, I stop and I breathe. 
• I realize that by accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as intimidation, I am setting myself up for failure either by not trying to make art or by trying under too much pressure. 
• I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can come back to myself so that I can see that making art is about self expression and freedom within and as myself to create freely without intimidation or judgment or pressure. 
3. When I think about a person to whom I am attracted, or that person moves closer to me
• I passively desire for that person to move even closer, which is to say that I become outwardly shy and/or distant, or remain neutral, but as my internal experience I enter into desire. 
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as desire and within and as passivity to where I desire another person while at the same time pulling away from them or at least not asserting myself in my expression of my desire to connect with another person intimately. 
• When and as I see myself participating simultaneously within and as desire and passivity, I stop and I breathe. 
• I realize that by participating simultaneously within and as desire and passivity, I am setting myself up for disappointment, confusion, miscommunication, and I am not directing myself but am waiting for feedback from the other person to determine for me how I should proceed (but actually am proceeding from within and as my mind and my interpretations and reactions to the fact that the person did not move even closer). 
• I commit myself to really stop and breathe and to further investigate what desire is and how it functions, and to further investigate what is the best way to proceed toward a best for all relationship so that no confusion or indecision is contributing to my passivity. Then I will continue to investigate my passivity. 
4. When I think about trying something new
• Pretty strong emotional energy of fear and flight; panic; run the other way or I even have a picture of myself crouched down with my eyes shut and hands on my ears saying "no no no no"! 
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as a strong energetic reaction to the thought of trying something new. 
• When and as I see myself reacting within and as strong resistance, fear, and panic to the thought of trying something new, I stop and I breathe.
• I realize that by participating within and as resistance, fear, and panic about trying something new, I am closing myself off to growth and expansion and also am participating within and as my mind and not within and as my breath. What is really so scary there? Nothing!
• I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can come back to myself and see that there is no real threat other than the threats my mind is conceiving, "there is nothing to fear but fear itself," and to, if necessary, systematically assess each fear or excuse and debunk it with common sense solutions within self honesty. 
5. When I think about how soon I start my new job (not when I think about starting my new job, but specifically the time factor)
• I go into half-formed thoughts about what I want to do before I start, how I don't feel ready, what if it was the wrong choice? "I need more time," etc. 
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as anxiety in regards to the diminishing timeline until I start my new job. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to halfway participate within and as thoughts about my inability or unpreparedness as I surely move through this transition within space and time. 
• When and as I see myself reacting within and as anxiety to diminishing timelines, I stop and I breathe. When and as I see myself participating within and as thoughts about my inability or unpreparedness, I stop and I breathe.
• I realize that time is going to go on no matter what I do, and when I participate within and as anxiety about time I am actually effectively "speeding time up" because I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as my mind where I am not able to see clearly and therefore use time wisely. I realize that when I participate within and as thoughts about my inability or unpreparedness, I am telling myself stories based on fear of failure that will not in any way make me more able or more prepared for what is coming with time. 
• I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can come back to myself and "slow down time" by calmly directing myself to be, here, now, where a minute of presence is longer than 5 minutes of anxiety. I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can come back to myself and realize that I have taken every step necessary to prepare for my new job and that the best way I can continue to prepare is to continue to practice being, here, now, within and as my breath, so that I direct myself in every moment, thus making me more capable to address whatever challenge I face. 

In all of these there is actually a big propensity toward paralysis as my reaction. I don't know what this means as far as my consciousness selecting a personality/character for energetic sustenance. Is my paralysis actually a kind of halfway house between energetic reaction and self directed response? In some ways paralysis is, of course, extremely paralyzing and makes it difficult to move at all, energetically or self-directed, but at the same time it prevents me from participating as much in the emotional/feeling energy. Or is it just another form of suppression? Is paralysis my form of anxiety such that whereas my consciousness uses anxiety to buy time to assess and move me, I can use paralysis to buy time to assess and move myself? Within paralysis, if I can let go of the urgency that comes with anxiety, maybe I can learn to use it as a period of quiet to determine who I will be for myself as myself. 

Maybe? 

Anyway, that was cool! Last night I was really struggling with feeling kind of aimless and lonely in this process. I realized that I had not taken the time to walk some self-supportive avenues through self-education. Tonight I made my DIP Lite lesson my top priority, then transcription, then I listened to an interview that was gifted me, then took on my blog to assist and support myself in seeing that I am capable of walking this process, because here I just walked. 

Thanks all for all the support. 

New Job Nerves - Day 12

Today was the first day that I noticed, as I let my mind wander to the future, feelings of nervousness about starting my new job in one week. I had figured previously that nervousness would indeed come. I had also recently felt very ready to start my new job and impatient about having to wait. Now, especially when I get into my mindspace and consider the timeline of days until my new job starts, I notice a feeling of nervousness manifesting especially in my stomach as well as a creasing between my brows. This nervousness is uncomfortable and sends me into a reactionary loop of supplementary thoughts and emotions wherein I equate physical and emotional sensations of nervousness with automatically thinking I am incapable, I will fuck up, I am not actually worthy of the opportunity, and I want to hide / avoid / escape, instead of just seeing that I am nervous and trying to understand why.

The weird thing is that I'm not even really imagining any scenarios with the job or interactions to make me nervous. It really just seems to come down to time, and impending doom... I mean change. Which I guess makes sense because within that change there is a lot of unknown, and within that unknown there is a definite lack of pictures and ideas about what to expect. I wonder if there is more to it that I am not allowing myself to realize, maybe that I am suppressing as I try to suppress the feeling of nervousness and go into hiding / avoiding / escaping. Maybe if I actually do try to imagine scenarios and outcomes I can show myself how there really is no need to feel nervous, because whatever I might face, I can handle.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself into a future event such that I have an emotional energetic reaction to something that is not here in the physical with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate the physical sensation of "butterflies" in my stomach and a furrowing of my brow with the emotional state of nervousness, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my identification of myself as nervous with all of the negative connotations that the word carries for me wherein nervousness is not something I want to feel.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go from a place of nervousness seemingly automatically into thoughts about how I am not capable, or I am not good enough, or I am not worthy of the opportunity that has been offered to me. It's as if I believe these thoughts to be true merely because I feel nervous, and that I feel nervous because these thoughts are true, because I did not even entertain these thoughts before the sensation of nervousness arose. They feed each other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to suppress my nervousness as a way to avoid facing it honestly. Suppression will only make it grow. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give the sensation of nervousness so much power that I react to it with escapism. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not capable even of facing nervousness honestly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify change as a "bad" "scary" thing wherein anything new or different is a struggle for me to encounter and I permit feelings of anxiety to permeate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself and my ability to stand in each moment with my breath. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to shut down or off in order to avoid / escape uncomfortable thoughts and feelings when I could just breathe and practice being here and now with my breath in the physical so that I can do the same tomorrow and the next day and on my start date.


I have a growing migraine right now and I don't feel very capable of concentrating or articulating. So, that's it for now.