Self-Efficacy in Time Usage and Practical Daily Living - Day 99

My to-do calendar up to Wednesday 7/24

As I mentioned in Wednesday's post, I ended up painting without it even being on my to-do list.

Normally each day I will make a to-do list which will have on it various tasks which either must be completed that day, were not completed the previous day, or need to be completed soon and I think I can "fit them in" that day.

I say "fit them in" because the reality is that they will fit into the schedule, on paper. A day is a long time. And especially right now, while I am currently between jobs, I have even more time each day. But even when I am working, my free time is pretty open.

But normally I imagine things taking a lot more time than they actually do, and so I limit myself in my estimate of how much I can accomplish.

And too much time is spent looking at the to-do list and deciding what to do next. "Oh, I don't really want to do that. Maybe I will do this," and then typically just get distracted or sit around and not do much of anything (facebook).

On Wednesday I had a rather "full" day. I woke up pretty early and read some blogs. I ate some breakfast and messed around on facebook a little. I texted my sister in law about our plans. I drove over to her house, then went to the park with her and my niece. Then I had lunch at their house with my brother, sister in law, and niece. Then I went to the med clinic to have my TB test read. Then I went to my new job's office to turn in my TB test and meet with HR about my paperwork and physical. Then I came home, where I walked my dog, talked to my mom about our vacation plans, took care of something regarding my car insurance, got the mail (this is something I put off a lot, so I had to put it on my to-do list haha), painted, dug through some boxes looking for my good brushes, hung a painting that's been laying around, moved some stuff around, packed for my trip, dug through more boxes to find my hiking and water shoes to pack, took a shower, cleaned out my bathroom so that my landlord can fix the tiles in there, wrote my (final!) DIP Lite assignment, watched the last episode of my current TV show while eating dinner (well, ice cream), and finished the scarf I made for my mom's birthday. And still I had time to mess around and waste.

I mean normally I would not have painted, dug through boxes, moved anything around, hung a painting, had so many errands, done anything social... Some of that just came up because I had to pack and there were these shorts and two pairs of shoes I wanted to bring but didn't know where they were, and then once I got started moving around boxes, it was actually easy and enjoyable. And what is so hard about actually moving myself to dig through (unpack) boxes? Nothing, once I am doing it. But I limit myself in the starting: I resist and avoid.

My point here is that I often lock myself into like this battle with time and this battle with the tasks I have to accomplish, this battle with myself in actually DOING something with my time other than sleeping or eating or watching TV or wasting it in some other way. Some days I see that I do not have a lot to accomplish and sometimes those days are actually "worse" in terms of how I end up spending my time, because I almost do not want to get to that point of having nothing else to do, because I fear I will sleep (literally go to bed for the night at like 5pm) or just watch lots of TV or otherwise waste the time, because if it is not on my list, then I will not do it. And yet if "paint" is on my list, as it has been many times before, I also will not do it.

So this is like suppressing myself not in my writing but in my daily LIVING, suppressing my ability to act and move and accomplish and do. And I think it has the same effect as suppressing that which is in myself that I must see/write about: Depression. Stagnation. Obviously. I'm not moving. I'm the only one who can move me. So if I do not move me, I will not move: I will stagnate, and sink. Like quicksand. Except in quicksand I think I've heard you aren't supposed to move too much... Okay not the best analogy.

And this is nothing new to the human experience or unique to me. So I have to figure something out here.

In the meantime, here are just some of the many things that I could do in my spare time, of which I have a lot, that would be productive and self-supportive, showing myself and thus building self trust that I can direct myself in my daily living to be productive / effective / efficient and take care of myself / my environment / my responsibilities / tasks:

• Unpack boxes, including boxes of art supplies so that I can make more art
• Make art or plan art projects
• Make digital art in photoshop or create references for paintings/drawings
• Read a book about art
• Be crafty in some other way
• Go through my books and figure out which ones I can sell (make some money to pay off my debt)
• Go through my clothes and figure out which ones I can sell (again, make money)
• Go through other things like DVDs and knick knacks and figure out what I can sell or get rid of
• Clean, sweep, wipe things down
• Make a meal, look up recipes, learn to cook, etc. 
• Teach myself something
• Do yoga at home -- I used to only do yoga at home and it was great! Now I haven't at all in almost a year. 
• Run somewhere with my dog, or play fetch, or rub her belly and that spot on her back (ooh, that spot!)
• Decorate my apartment
• Figure out ways to better light my apartment
• Write! 
• Go outside
• Read a book
• Read a book outside
• Clean off my patio, which is covered in dried leaves and spider webs 
• Clean off my camping chair, which is covered in the same
• Read the forum
• Read blogs
• Listen to interviews / videos on youtube
• Call up a friend
• Write a letter
• Find new music
• Watch a documentary
• Spend just 10 minutes (or more! but 10 minutes can be productive) on some project, or any of the above

The list could really go on and on. And I suspect that if I can do these things, like if it is no longer such a chore to do things like this, and I just do them on a regular basis, use my time well on a regular basis, LIVE on a regular basis, then I will feel more effective, more capable, and actually trust myself more. And I will BE supporting myself, practically speaking, in my physical environment, not just writing about supporting myself. I mean, I have done a lot (and there is still a lot more to do) in terms of coming into my breath and getting out of my mind and of course writing during times that I am worried/anxious/reactive and overactive in my mind. But the times that I am passive and lethargic and apathetic and avoidant and suppressing myself as actually living and directing myself... these are the times that I've only really just begun to get a grip on through writing, and not hardly at all through living. Except for doing the dishes. I do the dishes pretty regularly now. Haha. 

Okay, so I had a lot that was on my agenda to accomplish during this time off between jobs, and I have only done a very little of it. I have been surprisingly busy, compared to how I normally am, which has been cool. I've enjoyed this time off a lot and have accomplished some, but not all of what I want to do. Nonetheless it is clear that I actually do have plenty of time to still accomplish these things, mainly actually getting SETTLED into my apartment where I've lived for 7 months now (I thought I was moving again early on, so waited on unpacking many things for a couple months, then found out I was staying and never unpacked). 

Easily manageable list of tasks:

• Unpack my art supplies and organize them in an easily accessible way, also getting rid of any empty paints or damaged brushes or anything else that is just taking up space. 
• Will require getting my old art desk or something similar from my mom's garage as a structure for organization. 
• Unpack the boxes in the hall closet
• Probably a lot to get rid of here! Find actual places to put these things, not just stuffing in the closet / nooks / crannies. 
• Go through my books and clothes and whatever else to sell / purge
• Decorate more / hang art
• Lights, especially in my bedroom and over my art desk
• Will require help from my mom's boyfriend to hang some of the overhead lighting
• Clean off my patio (and probably start keeping my bike out there so as to create space for yoga inside)

So those are the things I will do when I return from Tahoe and before August 5th. One week! That's about 1 bullet point per day, along with whatever else needs to be done (nothing in excess of what I typically do on any given day that I go to work, and here I will not even have to go to work). I can do it. I will do it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distort my view of time and within this estimate that I do not have enough time to do something productive, and so therefore I do next to nothing at all. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see just how much time I waste, especially the time that is wasted in self judgment or indecision of what to do next with my time. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see and realize just how little time various tasks take, where I can actually accomplish a lot and be very productive / effective in a short amount of time. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider the various things I could do that I "want" to do but to judge/identify them as like chores and to sort of just sigh like "well, sigh, I'd like to do that, but..." and then not even really have a reason, at least one that I am aware of as of yet, but just not do it because "I don't feel like it" or I simply do not actually direct and move myself to do so.

I forgive myself that I have still not accepted or allowed myself to really fully see realize and understand that I am the only one who can move myself: if I do not move myself I will not move, if I do not do these things they will not get done, if I do not make myself effective I will not be effective. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to apply myself in every activity that I engage in, really being here and present for it rather than just getting it done, getting through it, getting it over with. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to really actually live, where sometimes it's like all I do is breathe (although without awareness), like I have life in me, but I do not LIVE, I do not direct myself... and this is true even when I am allowing myself to be moved by my mind, here again it is not I who is living in self honesty as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define tasks / responsibilities / even activities as like chores and work and not fun, where here obviously I will thus not want to participate in them. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to enjoy and appreciate various tasks / responsibilities / activities for what and as they are, and also as myself doing them, supporting myself and directing myself, enjoying being with, within, and as myself, doing within, with, as, and for myself.


When and as I see myself with various tasks / projects piling up in front of me and feeling overwhelmed / resisting accomplishment of these tasks / projects, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the only way these things are going to get done is if I do them. I realize that the only way I am going to learn to be consistent in my practical daily living as accomplishment of tasks, is if I do it. I realize from experience that once I start to do one of these things with integrity within my breath, it really isn't difficult, it is in fact enjoyable. I realize that I am the only person who can develop consistency for myself in my self direction, and I am the only person who can embed enjoyment into my daily living through existing within and as my breath in the physical in the present moment. So I commit myself to moving through these identified tasks, re-defining my relationship to/as the accomplishment of these tasks, cultivating consistency within myself (and therefore self trust), and directing myself within and as my breath with awareness of the physical in the present moment so as to actually enjoy that which is before me, because here it is for me to do and enjoy.