One of the "rules" / habits I have established lately has been to prioritize my writing early on in the day/afternoon so as to free up my evening to "relax" where "relax" usually means do things that aren't very productive, but can also mean to not have to endure the self-imposed pressure of still having my writing ahead of me while doing other things regardless of how productive they are (so, ability to "relax" in these activities in the sense that I am not worrying about still having to write).
So first of all this is really just a manipulation of myself in order to continue to get around / not face myself in my relationship to writing and this process, where it is still like a "chore" and also an "obligation" and obviously there is still resistance (and as I have read as shared by others, this resistance never really goes away, so, what to do?), where if I were to actually face myself within this relationship I would be able to redefine for myself what it means to write and what it means to walk this process daily in such a way that I would not be placing pressure on myself and would not have to manipulate myself into escaping the experience of that pressure, but would simply stop it. So this is an interesting point to continue to notice and figure out.
But the "rule" that really stood out to me yesterday came after multiple hours sitting at my computer diligently writing out self forgiveness and commitments in reflection of just a few hours at a concert. After so many hours, I eventually became hungry. However, I have created for myself a habit / "rule" of waiting to eat until I am ready to "relax," because I have for years and years habitually eaten meals in front of the TV while watching a TV show. This has had multiple consequences in terms of my relationship to food consumption, including a lack of awareness of myself as I am eating, as well as increased incidence of binge eating behavior as, if the TV show is still playing, I still want to eat.
So what happened last night was that I became hungry, but I wasn't yet finished with my writing. And because of my rule/routine about eating as an indulgent/relaxation behavior coupled with the indulgent/relaxation behavior of watching TV, I "could not" simply grab a snack, or take a quick break to eat, or even eat while I continued to write, because then my routine of eating while watching my current TV show would be sabotaged, and also I feared that then, "when" I did finally watch my show, I would want to eat more. ("When" because I expect that I will watch (at least) one episode per day; however, I did not end up watching an episode last night, nor have I today. Nonetheless this is the general expectation that I almost always fit into my schedule, and then find a new TV show when I am finished with one.)
So I was neglecting my body, which became hungry, and I even began to develop a headache. I also became impatient and irritable through my hunger and other physical experiences as consequences of that hunger. I therefore also experienced diminished concentration on what I was writing, so that the quality of my writing suffered. So I was ineffective overall, as a result of following my "rules" as routines / habits.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ignore and neglect my physical body as the signals that my stomach was sending to my brain that it needed nourishment and was hungry for food.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify this within my participation in my routine / "rule" of only eating while I watch TV, and only watching TV after I am done with my writing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to habitually engage in an activity, such as watching TV, which is mindless, sedentary, and allows me to zone out, such that I often become / feel ineffective after engaging in this activity, and as such have established within myself that I should not / will not expect myself to do anything productive once I decide to engage in this activity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically waste time while watching TV and within my belief about myself and my efficacy during and after engaging in this activity, waste all of the time that comes after watching TV.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop and continue the routine/habit of sitting in front of the TV while I eat meals -- which began first in my family meal eating experiences -- such that now this is like a "rule" inasmuch as it is something I "follow," like simply "the way it is" or "the way I eat meals," without challenging / directing myself to change this, even within consideration of my realizations about mindless/conscious eating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my physical body through delaying eating to such an extent that consequences arose in the form of pain, irritability, and a lack of concentration -- more signals my body was shouting at me to feed it.
I forgive myself therefore that I accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as my mind as my ego and power to control my body, to override my body through my self interest to continue to write and uphold my "rules" / routines, to not exist within and as the physical, within oneness and equality in self support of my body as life as myself, so not support myself when it is clearly communicated to me by myself how and when I should be supporting myself as my body as meeting its physical needs.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to continue to write even within this energetic possession of irritability and stubbornness, not allowing myself even to partake in a snack but instead to willfully as my ego push through denying my body of its substantial needs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inflexible, stubborn, and obsessive in following my "rules" as my routines as what I am used to doing and have established for myself as "what I do" and "how I behave" and "what my schedule looks like" rather than being one and equal with the physical as whatever needs arise in my physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disrespect my physical body through negligence and ignorance and denial of needs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to establish "rules" and routines which I allow to direct me as I follow them rather than directing and following myself in self honesty in the present moment as what needs require to be satisfied.
When and as I see myself neglecting my physical body as ignoring what it is communicating to me through sensations such as hunger, pain, tiredness, etc., I stop and I breathe. I realize that I as my body have specific physical needs to sustain myself, be healthy, and function optimally. I realize that what I neglect in my body has consequences in my mind, such as mood shifts into irritability, just as what I neglect/ignore/suppress in my mind has consequences in my body = I am one. I commit myself to listening to what my body is communicating and to provide for myself that which my body needs for me as a whole living person to function and be healthy.
When and as I see myself engaging in routines as like "rules" to follow, I stop and I breathe. I realize within this I am automated and am giving my self directive principle over to my habitual behaviors. I realize that there is no routine besides breathing in, and then breathing out, that is self supportive to follow absolutely without variance or divergence. I realize that sometimes -- often -- there are demands in reality which require me to diverge from my "rules" as established routines. I realize too that some of my routines keep me locked in to unsupportive behaviors such as becoming "zoned out" or wasting time. I commit myself to challenging myself to break free from these routines, to not prioritize engaging in these behavior patterns on a daily or regular basis.
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