Art & Process - Day 98

Collaborative painting with an old friend

I did some painting today, so I am going to write a little about my experience, and then I want to share the DIP Lite assignments that I did a few weeks ago about art making.

The other day a friend from high school who was visiting came over and checked out my art space. He is a very talented artist that I have always admired. He was impressed with my set-up, and basically said there is no reason I should not be making art. I agreed with this, also reflecting on how I managed to paint even in my dorm room in college, where the space was much more limited than what I have now. Admittedly I have not unpacked all of my art supplies, which has been a hindrance, but there is no hindrance to the act of unpacking my art supplies, other than, of course, myself.

And actually there is no hindrance to making art, but myself. I have everything I need. I have far far more than I need. There are people who make art with whatever is around them, gluing paper with their spit, drawing with dirt or rocks, etc. -- there is no substantial excuse not to make art, if it is what I want to do.

I got into some of the whys for my resistance to making art in my DIP Lite assignments, so you can read that there if it is a topic of interest.
Art & Money - Day 98.1
Self as "Artist" - Day 98.2

What stood out to me today though, reflecting on how there is nothing stopping me from making art but myself, how I am actually totally free to make art, how, here I am, making art, and it wasn't even on my "to do list," is that the same is true for this process, and for supporting myself. The only thing in my way is myself, my judgments, my self imposed limitations, my resistances, my beliefs, etc.

I got some cool support on the forum the other day where Marlen said this:

...process has changed quite a bit since then in terms of the specificity of how to apply the tools, but that shouldn't change the starting point to be unconditional and will yourself to simply self forgive the voices in the head/ the thoughts/ the future projections and so forth and commit yourself to re-establish your starting point in process every time, every day realizing that this process that you walk is your decision to support you and that whatever judgment you have about you or expect to get from others is only you judging yourself, so: if you're here to support You, then who is the one that must first stop all acceptance and allowance of self-judgment? You.

Thanks Marlen.

Tonight I finished a painting that I have been working very slowly on for months. I would have just added dabs and lines here and there and called it a night, except that I basically told myself there was no reason not to do more. In fact, there is no reason not to finish it. It has been "hanging over my head" so to speak, where every time I look at it I feel guilty or ashamed that I have not finished it (in part because it is for a friend, and she has been waiting for about 3 months at least for me to finish it). I also don't feel like I can/should work on anything else while this is still in the works.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with my art and this painting in particular of resistance and self judgment, believing that it is not worth finishing because I do not "like" it and also thinking that "maybe I can just half-ass it to get it done since my friend will probably like it either way, or if she doesn't, so what?" I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to really put myself into my art as my self honest self expression and exploration. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a dysfunctional relationship with art, art making, and myself.

Back years ago I would sit and complete a painting or drawing in just one sitting, just a few hours. That has changed a lot, and my relationship with making art has changed a lot, or maybe not at all but has just taken the expected course from where it used to be based on all the beliefs and judgments I have always had about myself in art making.

The point here being that every move I make is my decision, and all the judgments and beliefs in my head are mine, and no one else is going to make art for me, and also no one else is stopping me from making art (in fact many are supporting me in this, although no one else but me can actually follow through on the actual making of the art). Likewise, no one else is going to support me for me, no one else is going to stop the thoughts and judgments that go through my mind, and no one else is going to walk this process for me. No one else, either, is going to stop me from walking, or is even in a position to stop me -- I am the only one who can stop myself: stop myself as my mind, or stop myself as my process. So I am here for me. I move myself. Any limitation or resistance or judgment that comes up, is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place limitations on myself for my ability to move and direct myself in multiple areas of my life, such as art, and including this process here with desteni.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to trust myself, that I have accepted and allowed myself to look outside myself for guidance, for indication of "right" or "wrong" or like "you're getting warmer/colder" in terms of directionality and being "on track" -- expecting judgments from others one way or another and trying to move myself according to my perception of these judgments rather than seeing for myself in self honesty what is "right" or "on track" and allowing myself the time and space within this process to do so, all the while, trusting and supporting myself, exploring/investigating/excavating myself, finding myself while also being myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to have my starting point be ME as my self honest expression, exploration, and discovery of myself as one as equal as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto and continue to create judgments about myself believing they are what others think of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care what others think of me, even just as my perception of what they think of me, rather than caring simply about what I can see in self honesty, supporting myself unconditionally.

My friend and I had several discussions during his visit about art and the process of making art, and what kept coming up for me was this differentiation between the starting point being unconditional self expression, and the starting point being the end-goal, as what one wants the art to look like, or trying to align the art with something else that already exists or some preconceived notion of what the art should be. This has been my "problem" perhaps in my art, which is not surprising as it has also been my "problem" in myself -- not allowing myself true expression in self honesty, but always looking to how I can please and fit in with others, trying to estimate what it is others want from me and moving myself from that starting point as a kind of end goal.

And that is what I noticed actually the first time that I painted after starting with desteni, when I first started this painting I have just finished, where it felt much freer, less judgment, more breath, just moving my hands and creating art as a free self expression. It was cool. And admittedly, intimidating, and a little scary. It didn't last, because I didn't allow it to last. I snuffed it out.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be intimidated and scared of the freedom that comes with self honesty and self expression, like a wild animal that has been locked up all its life and no longer knows how to be free. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lock myself back up, snuff myself out, stifle and suffocate myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize the importance of starting with myself in self honesty, of really gutting myself out, because I am all I can gut, and no one else can gut me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to embody myself and trust myself and move from within and as myself. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to BE myself.


I commit myself to making art as self expression and as learning to trust my expression and my ability to move myself. I commit myself to making art with the starting point of expressing myself, creativity, and experimentation. I commit myself to making "mistakes" and realizing there are not really any mistakes in art. I commit myself to giving myself the space to learn and grow in art, realizing that this is a way of understanding myself and is a part of my process.

I commit myself to using the process of making art to learn about the process of myself and writing myself. I commit myself to further realization and understanding about how I am the only person here who can do this, or not do this. I commit myself to stop floundering and either choose to sink or choose to really swim. I commit myself to letting go of the judgments, or writing and writing and breathing and writing until they are gone.


I am going out of town tomorrow for a few days, and am not sure if I will have internet access to be able to post (I think I will, but perhaps I will simply not post anyway). I will post my DIP Lite assignments about art in subsequent posts just to keep this post a little cleaner.