I know that in previous weeks/months I have really disliked Sundays because (1) it is the day before going back to work, (2) I have "always had a tendency" to "not do well" during extended periods of time off, and perhaps 2 days in a row off from work/school is sometimes "too much"? and (3) for the past couple of months I've had an obligation on Sundays which interfered with something else I actually wanted to do, so that was always a battle.
But now I am on break, so no work tomorrow. I had my last day at my old job on Thursday, and this is my THIRD day off in a row, oh my! And my aforementioned obligation has ended, so now I am free to attend the other event on Sundays which I actually "want" to attend.
For the past few months (basically since I stopped working retail and thus working on Sundays), if you look at my blog, Sunday tends to be the day that I experience highest depression rates. Highest laziness and apathy, really wanting to just stay in bed and sleep, wallow. I get like this little furrow in my brow that I don't even realize, and every single task, every moment, even every breath is like a battle, wherein I am basically complaining small and quiet (or sometimes quite loud) within myself "I don't want to" over and over and over again.
Why? Why am I fighting? What am I resisting? Isn't this my day? Aren't these my tasks? Am I not myself, am I not creating this fight? I even want to duck out of the event that I supposedly "want" to attend, in favor of sleeping, or in favor of clearing out my schedule enough to stop this pressure as this storm I am creating.
So today, this morning, I tossed and turned in bed, where my brow was already beginning to furrow, where in my frontal lobe I was already battling against known consequences and making supportive choices for myself, where I really really really want to just give in and give up and stay in bed. I "should" really get up. What time is it? Oh it's only 7. Okay well I can stay in bed. More tossing and turning, more brow furrowing, more engaging in battle in and as my mind. Time passes. Repeat.
I finally got up at 9:30 about, I think, mainly just within knowing that I "should" and also remembering that sometimes when I sleep too long, I get a migraine. I took a look at my to-do list, and I got to work. "Okay, I will just get things done, one by one." And I did. I cleaned! That's a rather "big" deal. I made a new calendar, too, that goes all the way up to my first day at my new job, so that I can map out and use this time effectively. I checked a few other things off my list. But my brow was still furrowed. I was still fighting. I still wanted to go back to bed.
"I don't know what I want to write about today. I don't really want to continue that series."
"I still don't know what to write about for my DIP Lite assignment. I don't like this section on memories."
"I should read some blogs... I could do this in bed... And then take a nap..."
I listened to some eqafe, which was also cool. It's not like I haven't had a productive day thus far. I have. So why am I still fighting? And in all of this fighting, why am I judging myself? I've listened to that interview about self-judgment 4 times now. Might listen 4 more times at least. What's with the fight? Why not just accept myself, embody myself, and move myself?
Obviously checking things off a list isn't "enough" to make me "feel okay." Obviously productivity isn't really the "answer" here. Obviously it is this battle I am engaging with in my mind against myself and against reality and against life. Obviously I am once again choosing not to "show up" for myself here and support myself, loving myself unconditionally, and stopping self judgment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a pattern of battling with myself on Sundays, to develop an association with this day of the week and who I am on this day and what I am able to accomplish on this day, where it's like on Sundays I expect this battle, and rather than practically "preparing for battle" I instead gear up for defeat, and want to just give in and give up and wait for the day to be over so that I can move on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with myself based in self judgment and conflict with myself where I am against myself and against life -- a battle I can never win.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that merely being productive is the solution, that by simply accomplishing tasks and checking them off my list, I will feel "satisfied" and like I am doing a good job, and the relentless self judgment will cease.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thereby validate the self judgment as legitimate, and within this contingent on whether or not I am able to accomplish tasks that, left unaccomplished, I utilize to berate myself within beliefs about my inabilities to address practical self care.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self judgment is specifically linked to the things about which I judge myself, and that in "solving" these things I can eradicate self judgment.
I forgive myself too that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I can at least accomplish these things on my to do list then I can "feel good about myself" and the other matters which are concerning me / to which I am reacting will not matter anymore.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to look at the root of self judgment as a mechanism to control me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create like a panopticon within my mind where I am always watching for reason to judge myself and reason to keep myself locked up within my self judgments and beliefs that I am not good enough or "I can't" or otherwise limiting myself.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to embody myself and support myself to see myself as where I can change and then to transcend those points and really actually change myself.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to trust myself or to trust the process of changing myself so that I can move through this process with consistency and stability but instead am constantly rocking the boat for myself, or allowing myself to destabilize from the "winds" of my reactions.
When and as I see myself giving up on an entire day, giving up on myself for an entire day, because of beliefs that I have established about myself in that moment or in that day as who I am and of what I am capable, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I move myself in each moment. I realize that within this I am limiting myself and am determining that I am incapable when in reality I am completely capable. I commit myself to investigating what beliefs I have established through writing and to support myself through and as my breath, continuing still to move through practical tasks that need to be accomplished, but understanding that the accomplishment of these tasks is not the solution. Instead I commit myself to be with, to "show up" for myself within these tasks and to see myself as I move through them, and to support myself through these times of resistance.
When and as I see myself furrowing my brow, I stop and I breathe. I relax. I ask myself why I am furrowing my brow -- what is happening behind that brow within my mind that I am using to justify an abdication of responsibility for myself? What beliefs am I creating and participating in when I am furrowing my brow? How does furrowing my brow like this indicate to me that I am engaging in a battle with myself and with reality and with life?
No comments :
Post a Comment