Showing Up for Myself Part 1.5: Abandoning Myself Through Participation in My Mind - Day 86

In yesterday's post (Showing Up for Myself Part 1: lONEliness - Day 85) I meandered into somewhat of a separate point in terms of the mind energy I create in thinking about other people and myself always in reference to other people, so I want to expand on that to clarify and specify because I think there is more to look at and figure out here... and then I will move on to the next point of showing up here in my writing process. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be looking outside myself at others, at how they are (how I perceive them to be), and to then judge myself based on this, like I need to be a certain way in order for them to come and rescue me, in order for them to think I am worth their time, so that they will come fill my void. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always place myself in comparison to others, in the shadow of others, inferior to others, needing others, and within all of this denying, rejecting, disowning, and abandoning myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider others as their opinions, beliefs, likes, dislikes (or my perception/projection of these things, anyway), interests, hobbies, etc., and to then believe that this is better than who I am, like the person that I am in all of my interests, hobbies, appearance, opinions, beliefs, likes, and dislikes etc. is less than and inferior to all of these things of another person. So that here instead of asking myself what I think, or what I want, or who I am, I look to others to see who I perceive them to be, then define this as "better" and "superior" within the negligence to ask myself about myself, to look at myself, to be here with myself, to support myself in this moment of where I am within my mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend more time considering another person than I have spent considering myself within self honesty. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust others absolutely and to not trust myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be within and as my mind with another person, thinking about that person, supporting another person through my beliefs about that person, like supporting them up to a higher level than myself by neglecting myself and believing this other person is greater than I, instead of supporting myself, being here with myself, as I am the only one who will ever really be here with me, and I am always with me. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am always here with me and I am my greatest source of support and stability -- my only constant source of support and stability -- I am support and stability for myself within and as myself.

So what all of this interrelates with is this tendency that I have to identify another person -- either a crush or even just a potential friend, or someone I am jealous of -- and then to think about that person and think about basically how I can get them to like me, what are they like and then how can I emulate this or behave in ways that I believe will make them like me, or if they have interests different from mine or if I project/assume/believe that they would respond/react to a certain idea or situation a certain way, perhaps different from how I would, I automatically go into this belief that their way of being is superior to my way of being, and then into wanting to change and meld myself into someone who they would approve of -- all the while assuming thus that they would disapprove of who I am, and within this I am disapproving of who I am, not accepting myself, not being here with myself to support myself as who I am within self honesty, but rejecting myself in favor of who I perceive another to be.

So I compromise myself in order to create myself in an image that I believe my projected/perceived image of this other person would "want" or "like" me to be. So it is in these fantasies/imaginations of how I can obtain/attain this friendship or relationship or another's approval that am effectively actively abandoning myself, not being here with myself as who I am within self honesty but am instead creating another in my mind and then trying to create myself in that other's image with the belief that the other is better and therefore I should be more like the other, either for the other to like me or for other people who seem to like the specific other to like me (jealousy). All of this, obviously, is images/ideas in my mind interacting with other images/ideas in my mind. None of it is real. None of it is here with myself in self honesty, self responsibility, and self support.

So I am exiting reality THROUGH my mind (as opposed to exiting OUT OF my mind into reality) in and as my thoughts about others/another, imaginations of others/another, thus abandoning myself as here in the physical as reality as life, and also abusing myself through the thoughts/beliefs of my mind wherein I create myself as less than and others as greater than, such thus that I am abusing all life in my participation in inequality and separation.

This happens in other instances as well, obviously: going into my mind in a participation within jealousy/envy, desire/lust, anger/blame, imaginations/remembrances of conflict -- in all of these I am not here with myself in the physical in the present moment as my breath -- in all of these I am creating relationships within my mind which are based in inequality -- in all of these I am abandoning myself in favor of investing myself into my participation in all of this, divesting myself of my own self as my presence with and unification with myself, and so it is no wonder that I feel so alone, so afraid, so helpless, and thus so depressed, so often.


So here I see that part of "showing up" for myself, being here with myself, reuniting with myself as one as equal as life, involves stopping my participation within my mind as thoughts that are fueled by jealousy or inferiority complexes, or participating in imaginary realities based in desire/lust, or anger and conflict and blame, because each time that I engage myself in the creation and participation of these things, I am leaving myself in the physical and existing instead in my mind, thus reinforcing the idea/belief that I am not worthy even of my own love and support, thus creating the voids which I seek for others to fill.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hear a song or see a picture or movie or some other stimulus in my environment, have it remind me of someone, and then to consider what that other person might think, whether they would like or dislike this thing, and then to believe that I should respond to the stimulus in the same way that I have imagined they would respond, within this believing thus that the other is an ideal model which I should emulate, thus denying myself self-expression or the ability to have my own responses within self honesty as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend a lot of time in mind considering another person as who I believe them to be and to compare myself to them within the belief that they are better than I am, most often, although sometimes I also denigrate them within my mind and build myself up, within both instances creating and participating in inequality and separation of living beings who are actually one and equal as life, thus creating justifications for the denigration of life -- my own or others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon myself continually by leaving my physical body within my awareness of who and where I am and instead existing within and as my mind, where here I create beliefs about myself and others, project images of myself onto others, and develop relationships within my mind outside of physical reality, giving myself reasons for continuing in jealousy, continuing in self doubt, continuing in desire/lust, continuing in hope, continuing in fear, continuing in anger, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically dig out craters within myself as voids and to give these parts of myself to others through my beliefs about them and energy I put toward these beliefs/imaginations and thus within this believe that it is others who can fill these voids, that another must come along and tell me I am okay and make me feel whole, when I am the one who has created the holes and divided myself against myself.


When and as I see myself drifting off into my mind within considerations of another which are based in false assumptions, imaginations, and projections, and are designed to reinforce inequality and separation of myself from others as life, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to return to my breath, returning my awareness to my physical body, returning my intention to self-support, and turning any or all points back to myself to see what my beliefs/imaginations/projections really say about me. I commit myself to stop denigrating myself or disparaging others, to stand with and as myself as one as equal as life, to continue to investigate what this really means, and to see, realize, and understand others also as one, equal, life, as what is best for all.


I sense there is still more to sort out or clarify/specify here, but unless I have some remarkable realization before tomorrow evening, I will finally get to the next part of this little series.