Punishing Myself with Food - Day 139

I haven't made a lot of progress (any, really) since this post about substance abuse, which included binge behavior. The alcohol is still another point to look at, but for now: food.

The last couple days I have seen a definite shift in my relationship to food, where I have used binge behavior, and thus food, as a punishment for myself. This goes deeply and directly back to my brief stint with an "eating disorder" over 7 years ago.

To give you some idea of the amount of ice cream I regularly consume:
The container of ice cream that I usually buy is 1.5 quarts. One serving is 1/2 cup, at 150 calories per serving, allowing 12 servings per carton. I usually go through a carton in 3, maybe 2.5 my-size-servings, adding milk to make delicious milkshakes.

So I'll go through 3 cartons, which I can sometimes get on sale for $10 total, in just about a week and a half, whereas if it was only one suggested serving size per day, 3 cartons would last 36 days (is that math right? haha).

Then, the other day, I added cookies to my in-home menu. In less than 24 hours I ate at least 12 cookies. Six of them, along with some ice cream, constituted my "dinner" the night that I purchased them. The next day I decided I ought to bring the remainder to work because it did not seem wise to allow myself access to so many cookies since I do not trust myself to not binge on them. Then I ate at least 6 more throughout that work day, to the point where by lunch time not only was I not hungry (but ate my lunch anyway), but I also was in such physical discomfort that I had a difficult time engaging in conversation with coworkers.

My most recent "binge" was last night, and I only say "binge" in quotation marks because years ago I used to read the blogs of a girl who struggled with a very intense bulimia, and she sometimes would list out everything she ate in a binge. I am not saying this is a "binge" like that kind of binge. But I am saying that this is me eating "mindlessly" or "compulsively" and eating in excess, indulging, feeding a need to put something in my mouth and consume it beyond being full, to the point of discomfort, completely overriding what my body and myself is communicating to myself, listening only to the desire for more food.

And the energy as I ate all of this was like that of punishment. Like I deserve the sluggishness and shame and self judgment that I allow to accompany binge behavior. I deserve to feel uncomfortable in my gut as I force my body to digest all of this, thus abusing my body for what I do in my mind. I deserve to face the consequences such as potential weight gain for indulging in all of this over-eating... Like that was a thought at one point. I'm going to get "fat," and I deserve that, and I deserve all the self-hatred that will come with gaining weight, like "that'll teach me" to... what? Not eat? So why am I continuing to binge now? Like knowing the consequence and doing it anyway, with the thought that experiencing the consequence I already understand will somehow stop me next time. I can stop myself now.

It's tricky though. I mean I have to really look at what is healthy versus what is just me wanting to live an ideal body image. Healthy =/= Thin.

And I can't use process to make myself the ultimate anorectic. No no, that would be quite counter productive.

What I can do is stop abusing my body through food. I can stop abusing food through my use of it. I can stop participating in the thoughts of self judgment in regards to the food I have already consumed. And I can try out setting up a rule / expectation for myself that I will cease my consumption of sweets by not even allowing them in my possession for a set time. Just to see how that goes.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make having sweets in my possession one of my top priorities, as the main reason that I will make a trip to the store.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sometimes eat sweets in the absence of any nutritious food.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to basically just not care, say "fuck it," and continue to eat even after I am already full.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to appreciate and savor every bite that I eat, being conscious and aware of my chewing, of the tastes, etc., instead rushing through eating so that before I even know it, the food is gone, and so of course I am likely to want more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to overload my digestive system with too much food of a wide variety, very little of it having any nutritional value, much of it very difficult to digest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat until and beyond the point that I am uncomfortable physically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat sweets simply because I have them, so that as long as they are in my apartment, I will eat them, which, coupled with compulsively over-eating, means they go very fast.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be deterred by the high price of my most favored brand of ice cream so that I end up spending a lot of money on this addiction in order to have what I have deemed the best version.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself thus to waste money on a self-abusive addiction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be pushing the envelope with myself, to see how much I can eat before I finally say ENOUGH and look at myself and stop myself, forcing myself into participation in an opposite polarity, where here the opposite of binge behavior is starvation / restriction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel my arms, to feel how flabby or not flabby they feel, to think about when I was in high school when I could touch my index finger to my thumb around my upper arm with relative ease, and to miss that, and I believe I have to get back to that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine by believing that I can feel fat going directly to my arms, making them flabby and wiggly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine / feel like a subtle buzzing sensation in the "flabby" part of my arm, also feeling / imagining it hanging / dangling down and swinging as I move.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a relationship with this part of my body that involves fear of it looking or feeling a certain way, rather than seeing that this part of my body serves a function and is performing that function well.

When and as I see myself imagining / judging the "flab" on my arms, I stop and I breathe. I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to releasing that energy of that thought, that judgment, that image in my mind, and that imagined feeling/sensation of whatever I have believed fat feels like physically.

I commit myself to continue walking my process of self-embodiment to have a look at my relationship with myself as my body / the parts of my body.

I commit myself to eating healthy portions / serving sizes of at least 3 meals per day. I commit myself not to go into the polarity of under-eating or over-exercising.

I commit myself to continue to increase my menu of healthy food options, including the expansion of what fruits and vegetables I eat.

I commit myself to being aware of every bite that I take and aware of how my body feels as I eat, and listening to what my body communicates to me about what it needs or does not need in terms of food intake.

I commit myself to redefine and re-align my relationship with food to be one of support and sustenance.

I commit myself to finding something else to do besides just eating and eating more -- some other way to use that time in a supportive way.

I commit myself also to support my body to be healthy through diet and exercise, supporting myself thus to develop a strong healthy body which supports me as life.

I commit myself to continuing to look at and further define the fine line between what is healthy and what supports my mind dis-ease of "eating disorder" as a desire to be thin.


Previous Pertinent Posts:

• Healthy =/= Thin - Day 50
• Conscious Eating - Day 72
• Understanding My Physical Body - Day 80
• Routines as "Rules" - Day 94
• Substance Abuse - Day 120

Alcohol, Apathy, Routines, and Yoga - Day 123

It's day 4 now of no alcohol. Aside from no alcohol, not a lot has changed. My routine remains basically the same, except that now after eating dinner and watching TV I manage to read quite a few blogs and do other random things before bed.

It hasn't been too bad not drinking. Yesterday was Monday and I definitely wanted to go home and just "relax" -- ie zone out. I was threatened verbally and then also broke up a fight at the school where I work yesterday and I noticed I used that as an excuse in part to "need" to "relax." But reality is I was fine, and I continue to enjoy my job. I was just falling back on the habit I created during the first week and at other periods of time within my life of escaping and zoning out.

I do notice today that I am rather apathetic about process, and within this all the more want to just zone out. I was going to agree with myself that I did not have to write a blog today, because nothing that I was working on was really panning out in clarity. What I've learned in the past of course is that this means I am not facing something; I am suppressing the point in front of me. The point in this case would be apathy. So, write on and solve apathy.

There are many reasons I could be apathetic, not the least of which is a resistance to change, and a resistance to see myself. If "I don't care," then why would I do that?

But another reason is that I am not really supporting myself in trying to change, in trying to use my time during the week effectively, and so I am reacting to this with apathy, thinking something along the lines of "what's the point?" and also "I might as well drink, I'm still not doing anything effective / productive."

At first I wrote "trying to use my time during the week after work effectively," but actually I am realizing that due to my work schedule, I could also easily utilize time before work. Instead, I sleep in. I mean it's not super late or anything; I typically get up around 7:10 or 7:30 so that I can leave between 8:15 and 8:45 depending on if I am trying to arrive early for a meeting. I am able to get ready in that amount of time without really watching the time, but in a leisurely manner eating breakfast, reading a blog or two, checking various sites online, wash my face, get dressed, pack up, and walk my dog. But I have a first alarm set for 6am, and considering that I still go to bed around or before 10, this is plenty of time for appropriate restful sleep. So, I could get up at 6, and use that time.

My after work routine then is typically this: Come home and either walk my dog right away, or try to start on my blog before taking a break to walk her (typically because she whines and I realize that I'm being neglectful and cruel... another point I resist looking at). I will finish my blog, usually a little later than I would like, and then take a shower. After showering I make dinner, watch a tv show, and still have some ice cream. Then when my show is over, I do whatever. Usually read some blogs (last night I read quite a few so that was cool) and do some stuff online. Then I get tired and go to bed by 10, where I "intend" on reading more blogs or reading from a book, but instead fill out my Way of Life app (another intention as well), check instagram, play candy crush, then play a crossword puzzle, then sleep.

What's missing from this? Art. Exercise. Variety. Cleaning / chores. Friends. Activities. Anything outside of this routine where I trap myself within my relationship to time and my belief that I cannot be productive on a work day. "Argue for your limitations, and, sure enough, they're yours." (Richard Bach) Of course I will not be productive if I do not believe I can be; I will not even try.

So today I am going to mix it up a little. Just a little. My original intention was to start a drawing, but now I am letting that go. Instead I am skipping the shower. I am going to make dinner and still engage in that routine. Then I plan to read blogs, including starting on Maya's friendship series, and maybe also her blame series as that also looks interesting and pertinent and supportive. I will take notes, as I have done sometimes when listening to interviews. Maybe I will get to some art, maybe not, I am not too concerned. I will still go to bed relatively early, with again the intent of reading from my book, which is pertinent to work. Then I will wake up with my 6am alarm, and practice yoga.

I used to only practice at home, and "I have been wanting to start that again," or, at least, this is what I keep telling others and myself. So now I will practice listening to myself, and I will support myself by hearing what I am communicating, and following through.

One problem I run into here is that when I used to practice at home, I always smoked first. This had some benefits, definitely, but even then I had friction within myself that I should not only be able to achieve that focus because of drugs.

So it's been hard for me to plan to come home after work and practice yoga. I'm tired by then, I've done a lot in my day already -- this is when I most want to just let loose and relax. However, in the morning, this is a great start to my day! And I am not yet worn out in any way from the events of the day. My body should be well rested, and this is a great time to be with myself, within and as my breath, at the very start of my day. So I am eager to see how this goes.

Then of course I will shower and continue on with my day, and see how this change assists and supports me to see more about myself and to change in other ways.

One step at a time, right?


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to turn to alcohol / substance when I have an unpleasant negative energetic experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to justify smoking because I have not written a commitment to myself to not smoke, and because it is now apparent that my job will not be drug testing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have actually committed to not smoking, when in reality at least half of the reason I haven't smoked in so long is because I was concerned about potential drug testing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sometimes sense the taste of alcohol in my mouth, both when I was drinking daily I would sense this taste near mid afternoon, or even now I will sense the taste intermittently every few days, and within this: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to this sense with a kind of nostalgia or missing alcohol or wishing I could drink alcohol, wanting to drink alcohol, desiring to make that taste real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seemingly uncontrollably drift to the thought, "wine would be nice right now," where here if I had wine I would drink it.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be trustworthy of my own trust for myself, because here I have to limit myself in even having alcohol in my possession because I do not trust myself not to abuse it within my own definition of substance abuse.

I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to move myself to use substances from a self dishonest starting point, whereby I actually am abusing substances because it is not purely for self honest enjoyment and relaxation but instead as a form of escape and evasion and neglect.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to listen to myself in terms of how I have said to myself and others that I want to get back into my home yoga practice. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that this will just happen magically someday, rather than realizing that I need to actually make it happen by moving myself to enact and embody it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter an experience of apathy and use this as an excuse to not try, within this wanting even to give up completely, simply because of a momentary experience of apathy.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to investigate the apathy and how I can assist and support myself to change my routines even more in ways that are non-judgmental.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the things I DO, whereby I tell myself "I should not do that" rather than assisting and supporting myself by telling myself what I SHOULD do, within this "positively" supporting myself by giving myself a positive behavior rather than negating (negative support) the behaviors in which I already engage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect myself to take away and disengage from a certain behavior without giving myself an appropriate functional alternative behavior.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to positively support myself through activities and supports that are enriching and enjoyable and have consequences which bring me to myself in the physical, such as exercise and yoga.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within my yoga practice where I have established the belief / preference of only doing yoga at the studio because it is heated and I like having teachers who make up different flows each class, or the belief / preference that yoga at home is only fun or interesting, or I can only be focused within it, if I smoke first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself limit myself within routines and the belief that I cannot accomplish anything during the work week because I am "too busy" and "too tired" and "work takes up too much of my energy."

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to even try something else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to pick and choose what number of activities I engage in within a day, rather than allowing myself to be focused within each activity so as to complete it in a reasonable amount of time, rather than getting distracted or being unfocused such that it takes longer than is necessary and therefore I manifest for myself a lack of time to get other things done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sometimes loaf around in apathy or in judgment or beliefs about time, rather than stopping, breathing, and then directing myself in that moment to do whatever it is that I want to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constrain myself within judgments of how I should time, where there is a subtle energy of believing others also judge me for how I use my time, and others share these expectations I have created of myself, and so within this I am living up to the expectations of others, not seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am the one who created these expectations and so I am the one who can change them.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand how free I really am, instead entrapping myself within and as my mind as all of my judgments, in this case about time and priorities and my abilities.


When and as I see myself facing apathy and resistance to process, I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I am going back and forth within my mind about whether or not I "should" write a blog, I am being self dishonest. The self honest answer will be clear. So I commit myself to writing through the resistance when I identify my experience as resistance, which in this case means that I have not been clear in my decision to or not to write. I commit myself to always coming back to the point in front of me, even if there are other points I have been putting off. I realize too that sometimes it is precisely the putting off of other points that leads me to an experience of apathy or resistance. However, once I have created and manifested the consequential experience of apathy / resistance, that is the point I must face. I commit myself to writing through my resistance as my resistance and about my resistance until I no longer lack clarity in who I am, until I can see myself, and until I see that I am once again my own self directive principle in my process and in my life.

When and as I see myself desiring alcohol consumption, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am not stable within my relationship to myself as my consumption of alcohol. I realize at this point I cannot trust myself with alcohol. I commit myself to continuing to see myself as my relationship to alcohol and investigating this so that I can come to a point of stability. Presently I do not know what this will look like. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope / believe within my mind that this will eventually look like me being able to enjoy alcohol from a self honest starting point periodically. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to establish this hope as a line by which I will walk so as to manifest this, setting myself up thus for the possibility of continuing to abuse alcohol out of my own self interest in allowing myself access. I commit myself to clear the point of alcohol the best that I can before purchasing alcohol again, if I ever do purchase alcohol again.

When and as I see myself resisting engaging in a home yoga practice, I stop and I breathe. I realize this is something I have been practically begging of myself to begin again -- for months! -- and that I have ignored and neglected myself by not listening and not acting on this communication. I realize that part of my ignorance of myself here is probably within the realization that my home yoga practice is supportive, and so it will support me in changing myself, and so within and as my mind I resist this productive effective way of supporting myself. I commit myself to first tonight finding some of my old favorite youtube yoga videos, and then tomorrow morning practicing from those videos. I commit myself to being with myself in all moments, and especially then in these moments, so that it is fully supportive and I can see for myself why I have been asking this of myself.

When and as I see myself feeling stuck within my routine, I stop and I breathe. I realize this routine doesn't matter, it isn't real, I created it. I commit myself to mixing things up to see how I can effectively and productively support myself in all moments, and to see how the world does not end when I stray from my routines. I commit myself to seeing how I can really actually live and be free, if I allow myself to be.

When and as I see myself neglecting and becoming frustrated with my dog's whining for attention, I stop and I breathe. I ask myself what she might need -- are there any basic needs I have not supported her in meeting? I then go over to her. I give her attention. I pet her and scratch her behind the ears, on her back, and on her belly. I talk to her. I realize I am all she has. I commit myself to further investigating my relationship with her, my relationship with animals, and how this relationship can assist and support me, and her, in my process and our lives.


Relevant past posts:
I am a Brick Wall: Seeing Myself by Seeing My Experience of Myself - Day 36
Routines as "Rules" - Day 94
Showing Up for Myself Part 5: Suppression, Depression, Mania, & Writing - Day 95
Self-Efficacy in Time Usage & Practical Daily Living - Day 99
SF in Response to Forum Post Pt. 1 - Day 112 (Listening to myself)

Showing Up for Myself Part 6: Substance Abuse - Day 120

It's been over a month since I first wrote this post about showing up for myself, wherein I was brain storming and problem solving an experience of depression, and I have revisited every point since then except the last one:

I also know that there are points which I do not wish to change, and that there are ways I am actively not supporting myself which I could easily write about but have not because I have not wanted to make commitments to myself to change. For example, eating very unhealthy foods in the absence of anything healthy or nutritious (which obviously is going to contribute to this problem of tiredness and lethargy).

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to face myself within certain points and write out certain points because I already know that I do not want to change them, because I want to continue to indulge in these self abusive behaviors and continue to avoid responsibility for myself. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize the benefit of supporting myself through self change, through taking responsibility for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to self sabotage because "I like it" or "it's fun" or even within an awareness of punishment where I know that this behavior will push me further into negative experiences that will cloud and stifle my ability to direct myself within self honesty and self responsibility. 

• When and as I see myself avoiding walking a point out of a fear of having to change that point, or a resistance to changing that point right now/yet, I stop and I breathe. I realize that even if I do not change the point right away, I can support myself in seeing who I am within that behavior, how it does or does not benefit me, how it is or is not what is best for all, how it does or does not serve to support myself in self responsibility. Within facing and seeing and writing out the point I can see why I should change and thus support myself to actually change. So I commit myself to seeing myself always in self honesty and self responsibility, to writing out who I am in various behaviors/points, and to making practical commitments to myself that I can keep, building on commitments so that I do in fact change. 

Here's the problem:

I came home every single day this week, except one where I had plans with family, and drank half a bottle of wine and a cookies n cream milkshake. I do this generally as the last item on my "to-do" list for the evening, within the realization that once I've had wine I won't be expecting myself to do anything else, because it has such a strong effect / I drink so much. I did this also back when I smoked every day. I would come home, do whatever I absolutely had to do, and then let it all go and (ab)use substance. With smoking there would sometimes be things I would do while high (chores, art, yoga, hang out with friends, etc., and, of course, watch TV), but for the past week with drinking, I pretty much just sit there and watch TV. I stopped smoking before I began my JTL blog so that was never an issue, but here now with drinking I would not expect myself to write a blog after drinking.

So, basically, this means that all day I am looking forward to that moment in time when I will allow myself to abuse substance, to drink, or, in the past, smoke. Work is work, it's fine, I'm there, I'm doing my job, it's cool (and actually I am really enjoying my new job a lot so far!). Then I come home and I start looking at the clock. How much time can I preserve to basically waste while under the influence of some substance? I better run this errand fast. My dog doesn't need a very long walk. My blog, ehhh, whatever, that's good enough. Maybe I can read other blogs later tonight, after doing my "relaxing." I'll transcribe later. I want to draw, but, eh, not tonight, I'd rather drink.

I'd rather drink.

Prior to this, these behaviors occurred, but not with as much consistency. There were periods during the last month+ that I abstained from both of these, although I typically find a way to fit sweets into my diet either through ice cream or baked goods. If I have a look at my neat app I have for keeping track of my behaviors / habits (Way of Life if you have an apple product -- this app is the only reason I have held onto my iphone since making the switch to android), I can see that I actually went 3 months without drinking any wine at all. Then, in July, just 1 instance. Now in August I have had a large glass of wine, or two, 10 out of 16 days, and eaten sweets 9 out of 16 days (I started tracking sweets in the middle of July so I don't have much data prior to August). I have also recorded binge behavior 6 out of 16 days, where I have allowed myself to basically eat mindlessly and well beyond the point of being full. I've not tracked my TV watching behavior, but I know that for the past week I've watched more than just the usual one episode of a show per day. This past week is really representative of problematic self abusive behavior. I have watched myself lose sight of myself through my consistent participation in these behaviors over the course of this past week.



Now, I'd not reported feeling "stressed," "depressed," or "anxious" on any of the days that I partook in drinking wine or eating sweets. And yet at the same time these have served as excuses within my mind in the moment of abdication where I have thought, "oh, I'm so stressed with this new job! I need to let loose," or, "there are so many sad things right now, I need to relax and have fun," or, "I'm anxious, I should distract myself from my anxiety" -- so that each of these served as an excuse in the moment but then later when I was reflecting on my day and recording my behaviors in this app, these experiences didn't stand out anymore (perhaps because by then I was drunk / buzzed?). And this was true when I lived in Colorado and smoked every day, too. Sure, it was a pretty stressful job at times, but for the most part I really enjoyed it, and yet I used it as an excuse to check out every night by drugging myself.

However, I see that as I have consistently participated in these behaviors recently, I have become more and more depressed and stressed and anxious because I have (1) judged myself, (2) abdicated responsibility for myself, (3) resisted accomplishing things that I want to accomplish / am obligated to accomplish, and (4) have lost touch with myself and reality through evasive behaviors of avoiding seeing myself or seeing reality for hours at a time. So here I am actively through my behaviors as what I accept and allow myself to physically do creating an experience of depression.

I am also engaging in "addiction," which to me at this point means simply that even when I am not partaking in these activities, I am thinking about these activities, and I am thinking about the next time I can engage in these activities, and I am throwing a little tantrum within my mind if I consider the possibility that perhaps I should abstain from these activities, perhaps I should change. These "activities" meaning drinking, eating / eating sweets, and watching TV -- and this used to also be very much the case with smoking.

And last night, vision slightly blurred, belly bloated, I glanced down at myself and thought, "I hate myself." That was it, it stopped there. But that was enough. Something is wrong here Kaitlee, and it's happening because you're allowing it to happen. It isn't "just the way it is" and it doesn't not matter. It isn't such a slippery slope that I have to now go down it. I am here in every moment, here to direct myself. So now, to stand, to see, and to make a choice.

 So there is a plethora of "problems" here:

• Abusing substance as alcohol - escapism behavior and seeking positive feelings
• Also in general with substance abuse comes a belief pattern that I cannot engage in activities such as chores for example unless I am under the influence of a substance, because the substance will make that chore "more fun" or "more interesting" or "more bearable" -- so this stems from how I set up for myself a pattern of always smoking before engaging in certain non-preferred activities as a way to compel myself to complete the activity. 
• Abusing substance as sweets (ice cream, baked goods) / food in general (binge behavior) - escapism behavior and seeking positive feelings
• This of course has consequences of increasing my self consciousness of my body and body image and the subsequent self judgments with that, so a behavior which brings up more points to face or avoid / self sabotage by over eating because I know my reaction to the physical consequences of this is negative and promotes further self abuse / is not a point I have walked to completion yet. 
• Abusing time as zoning out with watching multiple episodes of a TV show in a row - escapism behavior and seeking positive feelings
• Continued use of routines as rules wherein I reinforce through my behavior that eating and watching TV must coincide, although in the past week I have eaten dinner during one episode and my ice cream during a second episode, then on a couple occasions still watching a third episode without eating anything. 
• I used to do things with friends; now I don't, now "I don't have any friends." 
• I am skeptical of most people, judgmental, etc., but also noticed that when coworkers indicated they wanted to get to know me more this week, aside from work related topics, I immediately threw up walls within the thought "you don't want to know me, I'm not interesting, shit what do I even have to share? why would anyone want to know me?" 
• So, skeptical and judgmental of myself. Would not be surprising if this experience was compounded by recent substance abuse / escapism behaviors, where if I was not so busy hiding from myself recently, I wouldn't be so frantic about hiding from others. 
• Even when I am not yet physically under the influence of any of these substances or activities, I am still under their influence within and as my mind, looking forward to my participation in these behaviors, and not allowing myself to be HERE in the NOW of whatever is in front of me, instead wishing to rush through it because I am focused on what I would rather be doing, what I plan to eventually be doing. 
• So I plan to abuse substances. I fit it into my schedule, and it takes priority of importance, but because it is a last stop in the day, the other priorities become rushed and careless and less important aside from being able to check them off a list. 
• So substance abuse is "pre-meditated," and what I run into sometimes in this instance, as well as, for example, with taking naps, is that I will plan on doing something like this, then when the time comes to actually do it, I check in with myself, see that I no longer wish to participate, and then do it anyway basically because I planned on it, so I might as well still do it, eh why not. 

With most of these there is like an immediate "reward" of escapism and positive feelings, and a long-term "negative" consequence in terms of abdication of self honesty and self responsibility as well as other forms of self abuse. So I can see that I am primarily focused on the instant gratification at the expense of long-term self abuse. 

So I will be going to the grocery store in the next day or two, and I will have the opportunity to walk past the wine, and I will have the opportunity to make a decision at that point (aside from the decisions I presently make constantly to not go out explicitly to purchase alcohol). So here I commit myself to abstain from even purchasing alcohol until I write out more on this point and also to give myself the opportunity to remain sober and present within and as myself within and as the physical, rather than escaping and seeking positive feelings through the abuse of alcohol.

When I first stopped smoking and, temporarily, stopped drinking about 7 months ago, I took it one breath at a time, one moment at a time. I made no commitments to myself to stop "cold turkey," but simply allowed myself to exist honestly in each moment, and then make a decision in each moment in honesty what I would do, and I found that in self honesty, my decision was not to turn to drugs. In self honesty, I was actually enjoying being aware and being here. Now I do not think that I need to take it moment by moment, so broken down. I think I can make a commitment to myself to not drink for a week, basically from the starting point of "seeing how that goes" so that I can show myself the consequences of the accumulation of my actions, where drinking every day for a week has led to one thing, so what does not drinking at all for a week lead to? My guess: clarity, and a sense of connection with myself in the physical. We'll see.

--- later ----

I wrote this post this morning and now that I have come to the middle of the day I have already faced the point again, "what am I doing later tonight?" I'd actually already had a pretty solid plan, but instead of that plan I by default thought, "I'll get some wine, and..."

The day hasn't been "bad" by any means but I can pinpoint a few reasons I might want to escape, and none of them are really valid or even a big deal at all. Small little things that I transform into excuses.

And I also see myself thinking, it's the weekend, it's okay, just don't drink during the week. And that may be fine if I am able to partake responsibly. But I have shown myself that right now I cannot. So here's to day 1.

I will continue writing on these topics in posts to come, mainly self forgiveness and self commitment statements. 

Showing Up for Myself - Day 83
Showing Up for Myself Part 1: lONEliness - Day 85
Showing Up for Myself Part 1.5: Abandoning Myself through Participation in My Mind - Day 86
Showing Up for Myself Part 2: Walking Through Points in Writing & the Writing Process - Day 87

Showing Up for Myself Part 3: Self Support through Reading Blogs - Day 89
Showing Up for Myself Part 4: Am I Doing a Good Job? - Day 91

Showing Up for Myself Part 5: Suppression, Depression, Mania, & Writing - Day 95