Unconditional Forgiveness of Self and Other and the Process to Actualize this in Reality - Day 170

I recently acquired a book (Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping) that a friend recommended to me when I asked her how I could bring myself to the place of unconditional love and forgiveness that she had created for herself.

I read the first section of the book and found it to be insightful and also in line with many things I have learned through walking process with desteni, although much of the terminology and reasoning differs.

The first section is actually available to read here: Jill's Story

Now, if you've read the story you've probably noticed a lot of talk about souls and I don't know a whole lot about souls although I've heard that according to the desteni perspective, they don't exist (anymore). I'm choosing to overlook this and some other details and simply take from this book and this story that which suits me in healing myself and in forgiving myself and others unconditionally.

I set aside the book after reading (and scribbling all over) this first section and allowed it to "sink in." I then became overtaken by migraine for two days (I'd had them daily for a few weeks, but these two days were "off the charts" in terms of pain) and so even if I had wanted to I was not really functioning enough to be able to revisit the book or the process I have now set myself to walk in relation to this point.

But I see that I have a few resources accessible to me, this book, the new eqafe interviews about resentment (Part 132, Part 133, Part 134, and Part 135) which would likely be excellent resources, and also the suggestion to have a look at something Jack wrote about parents and what I understand to be maybe a kind of Freudian theory in regards to romantic relationships and parent relationships... I've yet to search the depths of the desteni website to locate that document, though.

I also see that since I have released myself out from under the "dark cloud" of energy it would be very easy for me to skip along my merry way and never look back, until suddenly I would again be faced with this point. Part of why I resisted or doubted the decision I made as a boundary for myself to release myself from this chaotic internal energy was that I feared I was simply running away and evading facing myself. Well, yes, that would be one way to move forward. But the "plan" so to speak was to release myself from the energy via this boundary, and then deal with the energy for as and by myself, on "my side" of the boundary, as is necessary to be done to really actually in fact release myself from myself.

And I have been resisting this, or edging on resistance, but that is okay, it takes some time to get "back on my feet" so to speak and then I was hit with the consequential migraine, within which I constantly questioned my decision like as if this migraine was indicative that I was in fact running away or wasn't doing what was self honest or best for all.

But the fact of the matter is that I get migraines and I have had migraines daily now for a few weeks / months, indeed during the time that I was allowing myself to create and then live under that "dark cloud" of energetic storminess. So having released the trigger for that most oppressive energy through the setting of a boundary, and also having collapsed my posture into the pain, and also having continued then in the calendar of what each day brings and the anxiety that I have created in relation to certain events, it seems to make sense to me that I would go "off the charts" in pain on Saturday, and then be even worse off yesterday after having seen a chiropractor which really is rather traumatic for the spine especially after it having been over a year since my last visit. Today, I am up and moving, albeit slowly and carefully, and I am looking now too at what I must do with this energy that is still with me, lest I suppress it and allow it to come up again at a later time.

And another reason that I had not wanted to read further in this book is because I first wanted to process that which I had already read.

So onward now to the section of the book that did in fact support me in realizing that I cannot run away without facing further consequences and so must continue to face myself and release myself from myself rather than trick myself that just because the stimulus is now gone, the energy is too. It is not. It is still here as me as who I am and as how I will automatically react if and when another stimulus comes along. So, to direct it and take control as the creator of myself now through an as-of-yet determined process, but I have the tools, and I know where to get more support.

Early on in the story one character asks the other, "Jill, can you ever remember feeling this same way when you were a little girl?" And immediately I saw myself in this as I had already previously come to recognize that the conflict I was engaging in was simply me re-enacting scenarios and reliving my relationship with my dad. This came up in CoDA as well when a woman pointed out that she just felt like she would break if one more unexpected thing happened, and she reflected back on how she feared she would break when she was waiting her turn for her father to beat her.

So I have to continue to look at how this situation mirrors for me what I have already lived but not healed through my relationship with my dad.

Then there comes the idea that, "Life will always prove your beliefs right," and "If he hadn't [stopped mistreating you], you would have felt perfectly happy to leave him and find someone else who would treat you as though you were enough. We always create our reality according to our beliefs." And so here this plays into the realization that I was unhappy in this relationship / friendship, and I knew I was unhappy, but I did not feel "perfectly happy to leave" because this relationship / friendship confirmed for me my beliefs about myself and thus set reality in alignment with my beliefs.

However, "Looked at from a spiritual standpoint, our discomfort in any given situation provides a signal that we are out of alignment with spiritual law and are being given an opportunity to heal something. It may be some original pain or perhaps a toxic belief that stops us from becoming our true selves. We don't often see it from this perspective, however. Rather, we judge the situation and blame others for what is happening, which prevents us from seeing the message or understanding the lesson. This prevents us from healing. If we don't heal whatever needs to be healed, we must create more discomfort until we are literally forced to ask, 'What is going on here?' Sometimes the message has to become very loud, or the pain extremely intense, before we pay attention."

And so here we are indicated toward the time-loop effect that comes into play when we ignore our reactions and energies and allow them to overtake us to where they will then direct us in our living when and as these various scenarios arise. However, to face, direct, and clear the energy is to heal the wound so as to take self directive principle of oneself and one's life, thus "learning the lesson" that is within the friction or discomfort.

And in this way, "having yet another opportunity to look at and heal this issue is a gift!"

Later, on page 26, "Any time a situation in our life triggers the memory of this pain or the idea attached to it, we emotionally regress. Thus we feel and behave like the little kid who first experienced the pain." An experience to which I can very much relate as I knew full well that I was behaving in a way that was immature and childish and failed to take into consideration what I have learned throughout the years since the first incident and especially what I have learned in process. Hence also my experience of seeing myself as "young" and therefore "inferior" at work.

The story does not really show the work of forgiveness as applied in the physical. Instead it suggests that this is a personal internal process, "There is really very little for you to do... From this point on, it's more a question of how you feel inside yourself. Do you understand that you are no longer a victim? Do you understand that Jeff is no longer a persecutor? Do you see that the situation was exactly what you needed and wanted [created]?" So here I am now to watch myself as my internal movements and direct my energy and heal myself.

So here I see how this whole ordeal is really just basically a way to see who I am as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and to heal that, and that if I don't heal it now I will have to face it again.


Okay, so:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to create rules and regulations for myself on how I "should" heal myself based on what I believe other people want me to do or what I believe other people think I should do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and doubt myself as my chosen way of healing this point within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a relationship / friendship that I did not enjoy simply because it confirmed a belief within me that I was not worth anything better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in argumentative communication that sapped my energy and created more angry energy for me because for me this was a way to relive and re-enact my relationship with my dad in trying to find a new solution. I realize there is no solution within this, the only solution is with healing the original pain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to involve another person in this game that I played with myself and another of reliving and re-enacting my relationship with my dad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another person for the things that my dad did or said or was because I saw so many similarities and my energies were so much the same that it became difficult to differentiate, so that all of the past unhealed energy from my relationship with my dad also became a part of this new situation / relationship / friendship and so that person became the target for my anger and blame and hurt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go through life thinking that I can just sweep my pain under the rug and that it does not have to influence my living, as long as I keep it tucked away and hidden.

I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to be abusive and irresponsible with myself and others by not facing myself and taking responsibility for myself and who I am within and as my thoughts, back chats, judgments, beliefs, and energetic reactions to conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my reaction to conflict as "just the way it is" and not something I can control when in reality it is something I must face and heal so that I am able to stand clear and stable in communication with another even when we disagree.

I realize that my aversion to "conflict" is limiting me in many ways in my life because within it I also have an aversion to open honest communication because I fear that this will birth conflict.

I realize that what I fear is what I manifest and by expecting or fearing conflict I will end up communicating in a way that births conflict.

I realize that conflict can and does exist within and as me even without it existing within and as another or within and as our communications.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take full responsibility for myself and who I am within and as conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see similarities between another person and my father and to not really think anything of this, not realizing that this is meaningful in an energetic way and that the accumulation of these similarities and my noticing these similarities, not directed, meant the demise of the friendship within my mind and my inability to handle the energy that came up while still participating in the friendship, and so I had to create a boundary just to be able to breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a dynamic within myself still of "winning" or "losing" like in an argument or conflict where I want to withhold my friendship as a way of maintaining within my mind that I have "won" or I am "winning" because withholding my attention from another person is one of the only tools I have ever developed to try and gain power in a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stuck in polarities of inferiority / superiority and winning / losing such that I have never accepted or allowed myself to truly exist equal to and one with another individual or all as life.

I commit myself to equality and oneness and discovering how to live this as me.

I commit myself to focusing on myself in healing these wounds and to continuing on in this process using the new tools I have for self support and taking responsibility for myself in self honesty, and abandoning the old tools of blame, judgment, hatred, anger, manipulation, withdrawal, and hiding.

I commit myself to identifying the specific points within this broader point of the grudge, the wall, the father-figure, the desire, the disdain, and whatever beliefs I have created and existed within and as about myself, about others, about men, about relationships, and about life, and walking through and clearing those points as a gift to myself to assist and support myself to living equal to and one with all as life as what is best for all.


I'll be revisiting this topic periodically as I move through my resources and discover points to share.

Jealousy, Inferiority, & Superiority - Day 93.1

The point I am looking at here was first described in Reacting Before I Even Realize What I am Doing - Day 93. I believe this specific example can very easily be generalized to any experience of jealousy, inferiority, and superiority. Some of what I have been able to see and realize within myself in this instance has been facilitated through the private writing I have been doing over the last week.

So first of all I noticed that I was rather bewildered at the start of the evening because it was my first time in a casino (the concert was outdoors behind the casino which was very pleasant), and I was so surprised at how it reeked of cigarettes, and then I noticed myself becoming jealous and judgmental of what other people were wearing, where I reacted to this by feeling jealous internally at peoples' clothes or how attractive I judged them to be, and then mentioning to my friend about what silly things people decide to wear to "look cool" at shows -- where obviously they are succeeding at "looking cool" because I am allowing myself to get jealous. Another point unto itself!

Jealousy makes you nasty in your face!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become jealous of other peoples' clothes or physical appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resort to negative judgments in order to deflect and avoid my sense of inferiority that comes with jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to second guess what I had decided to wear (which was basically what I wear every day), thinking I should have "dressed cute" or been more "creative" with my outfit because I saw that I felt jealous of these other women and I wanted other women to feel jealous of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if other people feel jealous of me, I will somehow know this and also somehow benefit from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want other people to feel bad about themselves / inferior within the belief that this will somehow mean I get to feel good about myself / superior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior / jealous such that I have wanted to experience the polar opposite of this and have wanted to strategically position myself to feel superior, not realizing that this is just the other side of the same coin, and not considering that this is certainly NOT equality, oneness, or what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the way out of my mind as my experience of inferiority is through and as my mind as an experience of superiority.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to simply stop my participation within this dynamic/polarity and walk out of my mind into the physical within and as my breath, supporting myself here, within this particular instance accepting that my clothes are doing their job, and I am here to enjoy this event.


When and as I see myself experiencing a point of jealousy or inferiority, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that here I am tempted to jockey for a better position, to place myself as superior no matter the cost, and I realize that the cost is one and equal for myself and any others whom I am trying to make feel inferior.

I realize it is NOT better to feel superior, as I have seen through my own experiences.

I realize that, in this particular topic of clothing, when I have dressed "cute" and created for myself an "outfit" based on what I believe will make others view me a certain way, I usually end up feeling very uncomfortable and self conscious and wishing I was wearing something more normal (as in what I normally wear).

I realize too that there I have been times when I have worn clothing that is not particularly comfortable and is not normal attire for me, but that at these times I have used the clothing as an expression of myself, where the starting point for wearing the clothes is as an expression of myself without trying to estimate how others will or might react.

So here I realize that some of these women who have "creative" outfits may well simply be expressing themselves as who they are, and that is really cool of them to do so.

I realize that judging another person for their expression, no matter their starting point, is self dishonest because I cannot know their starting point and I cannot know why they make the choices they make and it's really none of my business anyway, at least until I get myself sorted out, if even then.

So I commit myself to equality first within and as myself as self honesty in my expression of myself, self honesty in seeing myself, and self honesty in taking responsibility for myself.

I commit myself then to equality with others as life as self honesty in my interactions with others, self honesty in seeing others as myself as life, and self honesty in taking responsibility for the reactions I create as perceived to be triggered by others.