Tension & Release - Day 159

In the last two days I have been fortunate enough to have two massage therapists that I know be willing to take a crack at my sciatica. Last night was an especially enjoyable experience because the therapist was my yoga teacher who also practices Thai massage, which involved some very deep tissue work which I had to breathe through heavily and so I was very much in my body and in my breath during the massage. Today followed up in the same area so I'm eager to see how much (or how little) I experience sciatica symptoms over the next week.

I really had no idea that my muscles in my hip / butt could be so relaxed. I mean I have always flinched any time anything or anyone has touched my butt (not that that happens often, but from time to time between massages and chiropractic appointments and yoga assist massages), so obviously there is a LOT of tension there, but he worked it all out and I just felt so free and fluid and relaxed.

Also every time I have ever had a massage on my back, the therapist has commented on how tense the muscles especially between my shoulder blades are, which I'm sure doesn't help with my migraines.

I think it is interesting how this experience of loosening these muscles that are usually extremely tight is coinciding with progressing through the point of the grudge, which is holding onto energy, especially negative energy such as anger and resentment and blame, and getting really stuck there, just like the energy gets stuck as tension in my muscles. I can't tell for sure if these two matters are helping each other along, but it is interesting to me to consider how much tension my body carries and how that translates into my experience of myself, where when I experience freedom and looseness and fluidity in my body, it's like, why continue to hold on in my mind?

Is it easier for me to let go of the energetic charges in my mind because I now see the freedom and fluidity of being loose and tension-free in my body? It feels so good, and so natural.

Or is it just that the point is being reached and faced, indeed was in fact forced upon me, and that I am finally giving up in realizing that it isn't worth it to hold on? Because it definitely isn't.

Plus, I realized yesterday that this grudge is all about me. I mean I could have said that before, but I didn't really understand it and I still projected everything until it occurred to me in the imagined/projected voice and perspective of one of my coworkers (randomly I just thought, what would so-and-so say if we were talking about this? Except I didn't actually ask that; the answer just came as a thought in his voice) that within this grudge I am basically being allowed and allowing myself to play out and relive my relationship with my dad. It's all about replaying and reliving past experiences, trying to find a different outcome, or confirm some beliefs I created about myself in my past experiences with conflict, especially with my dad.

So this is all coming together in a way that seems to be working out for me, and I am going to do my best to use this co-incidence and co-operate with it to walk through this point of letting go and being free.

I also want to continue to explore releasing tension in my body through massage (self- or other -- the yoga teacher / thai massage therapist showed me some cool self-massage techniques as well, which is a really cool way to support and care for myself) and see how that coincides (or not) with being able to release energy in my mind.

I am tired of being clenched and tight and tense. I am tired of holding on! I will have resistance to work through, but if I stay with it, if I hold pressure on the point, then the energy will release, just like as in massage.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within my body and mind in a state of tension and clenching and holding-on, and grinding and stiffness and inflexibility and obstinance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as this for so long that I have forgotten what it feels like to be loose and free and fluid, indeed have even feared that experience of freedom so much that I have purposely created energy to block it.

I commit myself to continue to explore this dynamic between body tension and mind energy to see how I can assist and support myself in my totality for optimal body and mind health and freedom.

I commit myself to not become discouraged by what seem like impossibilities within this process, such as continuing to experience bodily pain, because I realize that this is a process and it will take time to clear this energy.

I commit myself to always remembering that prior to this recent instance of becoming evermore enmeshed within this point I rarely experienced migraines, whereas prior to starting process my migraines were nearly daily, as they are now as I have existed within and as this mind energy. So I commit myself to supporting myself, body and mind.