Falling and Breathing - Day 158

I haven't been writing as much or as honestly about what is really going on for me the last few days because I haven't wanted to accept responsibility for myself. I've known that there isn't much I can say here that is self-honest without that. I have identified and lived as if the "stress" and "anxiety" is "out of control," as if I am out of my own control. I have fed into multiple automated systems which compound upon one another leaving me with migraines and other physical pain that just make it that much easier to excuse myself from having to actually stand up and take responsibility for myself.

Each day has felt like a big question mark of how it will go, like as if I am completely at the mercy of whatever thoughts and energies pass through me. Each time I receive a text message it's a big question mark of if it will be yet another stimulus for stress, anxiety, or anger. Each interaction I have with another person is a big question mark of who I am and who they are and what it all means, defaulting on panic and self-judgment.

Each day is a new opportunity to live as a victim and abdicate self responsibility and project judgment and blame and become more and more out of control.

I can't go on like this, and I've thought of quitting. I've thought of it as pointless, but it is the point.

One thing occurred to me while laying in bed moments ago. I've been asked by a friend if I am able to be stable or if my energy moves me. It moves me. How can I be stable? And then I reflected on some individuals who have written about their process of waking up and their realizations about the fear and other energies they immediately feed into upon waking. So I saw for example how each day is new. I can wake up each day and start it with self support and self trust to support myself in that day. It is a question mark inasmuch as I do not know what will happen. But I know I can breathe.

And each breath is new. In each breath I have myself; each day I have myself. I mean what the fuck am I supposed to rely on when I am in this kind of a storm? I begin to self-deprecate, and also get all mopey that I have no friends or that my family isn't like some other families, and reflect back on all the many pains I have encountered as if these things somehow squash me and truly make me who I am. Or reflect back on every minor interaction of the day which automatically becomes an infraction in my mind as I conjure up more and more reasons to barrage myself with hatred, judgment, and blame.

This is not stability. This is a deliberate swan dive as an automated response to fear of living.

On the one hand I could say I cannot trust myself, and I cannot rely on myself. But if not myself, then whom? The truth is I can breathe. The truth is I am here. The truth is that I have to wake up each day and support myself, and when I fall, I get back up, and support myself again. I breathe. I forgive myself.

I haven't forgiven myself much lately because I haven't wanted to give myself that kind of grace and compassion. If I can hold onto the energy then I can continue to be a victim. If I can continue to be a victim then I can continue to blame everyone else but me. "I'm different. My mind is too much. I can't help it."

And sometimes it is really hard to trust myself. Sometimes it is really overwhelming to see how all of my memories and past experiences inform who I am today, how I try to play out and relive past pains and make them somehow different now, and creating new pains and traumas to keep me trapped. It isn't working though. There is mind survival, and then there is survival. Survival to live is kicking in.

What am I supposed to do when I cannot trust myself?

I can breathe.
I can have patience with myself.
I can trust in my breath, at least, and be here.

There is so much I believe I cannot let go of, or I do not want to let go of. But it's killing me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow the accumulation of energies that has brought me to this point.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to support myself unconditionally and absolutely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring myself to the point of my energy creation manifesting as pains in my body, migraines in my head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control and really believe that I am out of control, that there is nothing I can do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn away from myself in writing so that I have not utilized this tool to see myself through this time. I've been taking space. It's okay. But it is better to at least still write.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if every single little thing that happens or item on my schedule or agenda or interaction or every single little thing, is another drop in a bucket that is already overflowing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and doubt myself at every single turn, and yet still hold tightly onto myself as my righteousness as if righteousness is my life force, as if it is all that I have, because in my past it was so easily taken away and squandered and shuffled about and pushed under the rug, as if I did not matter. That is the past. This is now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into full automated activation of past memories and experiences when encountering new experiences which are similar or reminiscent.

I realize these things happen to me repeatedly not because others are evil and not because I am not worthy of a certain quality of life, but because of my patterns and my participation.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand this automated activation as what is happening, and figure out what to do about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to replay and relive out interactions with my dad, trying to make a different result this time.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to really understand how all of those similarities I have already seen have actually influenced and informed and directed me as activators of personality and survival systems, wherein I have believed that there is much more at stake than is really at stake, indeed I have mistaken what is at stake, which is not me in my self righteousness but is me in self honesty and self support and self responsibility and self stability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize what I am doing to myself and others by my participation in this sick automated game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify this as sick. It is what it is. I see it now, or am finally beginning to see it now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear waking up and feed into anxiety about the morning and the day and what the day will bring and what stressors I will have to face and how I will possibly be able to handle them and within this questioning if I am even capable, questioning if I should even have a job, or this job, questioning why I am alive if I am apparently so inept at living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow every small initial fear or anxiety or doubt to snowball into complete and absolute self-abuse and self-sabotage instead of accepting and allowing myself to stop, breathe, and create complete and absolute self support and unconditional love and understanding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want others to understand me when I have not even fully understood myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider abandoning process as a way of like throwing my hands up in the air and giving up and believing that this isn't "working" and that it would be better to just go back to self-medicating through energy and substance. But I realize how much I have learned and how I would be taking that to support myself even if I abandoned process, because I know no other or better way... So why not keep learning?


I commit myself to wake up and breathe. I commit myself to breathe through each moment. I commit myself to rely on and trust in my breath. I commit myself to practice being fully present and aware in every moment in and as every breath. I commit myself to write out myself for myself or for my blog when I see that I am experiencing any kind of energy that is limiting my living. I commit myself to myself as life for as long as I am living and breathing.