Walking Through the Wall - Day 144

I continue to have difficulty with actual forgiveness.
I continue to prefer looking at the wall instead of what is beyond it. I continue to rebuild the wall.
I continue to put up the blocks and defenses of energy. I continue to create separation through energy.
I continue to get hung up on holding onto energy.

I mean this scenario is lose-lose. I am stuck, angry, stagnant. And within this, neither can move forward. I mean it's like the other "can't win," because I will always put energy in the way, and no one else can remove that energy. And within this I can't win either, because living in energy is living in a prison.

To make this win-win is actually very simple. I let go. I let go of the energy. I stop building the wall and I walk through the fucking wall. I put it behind me. I forgive. I stop it, end it, and leave it. I do not accept it or allow it.

No contingencies. No stipulations. No "ifs" "ands" or "buts."

Unconditional and absolute as what is best for all: win-win.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the energy coming up again and that I have done nothing about it, that I have merely seen it, but have not faced it, have not processed it, have not directed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the energy to come up again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the energy to direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create separation through and as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rebuild the wall through the passage of time and suppression of energetic experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stuff the energy into my body as an experience of heaviness and feeling blocked and dense in my chest/stomach area.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to weigh myself down with energetic experiences, holding onto energy.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to support myself to release the energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not facing / processing / directing the energy because I was "clear" momentarily and so I have believed the little bits of recreated energy does not matter or is not enough to make a difference, or like somehow magically it didn't matter because I had been clear briefly.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let the energy grow and compile and condense into a wall or block because I have not wanted to face it / myself, because I wanted to believe I was done, because I wanted to believe that maybe it was that easy.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ask myself, "how did that happen?" and answer for myself "temporary relief of validation through communication with another," and yet to not follow through on this realization that this was not real relief, this was not real stability, it was merely a drainage, but the energy was still flowing in / through / as me, and I would soon fill up with it again if I did not stop it.

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to really unconditionally and perpetually support myself by filling myself with my breath.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to basically abandon myself and "move on" just because I found temporary relief, so that now that it was no longer urgent I did not want to look at it.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to really see, realize, and understand that this relief was only temporary and it was in no real way facilitated or created or directed by me, but was dependent on the response that I got from another. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to notice that, but to resist doing anything about it, resist directing the energy for myself and ensuring that it was really done, by myself really actually stopping it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to actually forgive myself, or actually forgive another, because I have continued to exist in energy and continued to perpetuate the energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the energy that was rebuilding was not enough to matter, and also to project my responsibility into the future, where I thought "I'll deal with it later, when the time comes to face the conversation."

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to see myself always and support myself unconditionally through any and every energetic experience, especially those which, in self-honesty, were clearly going to lead to an energetic clog of a wall or grudge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that I have been allowing this wall to be rebuilt, by turning a blind eye, not seeing myself in such a way that the wall could like "sneak up on me" without me even realizing that I was slowly become more and more clogged and blocked and less able to breathe.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to hold to my commitment unconditionally to watch myself for any new or old energetic hoarding, to see how I would fill the emptiness in a fear reaction to the relief I found through an external source.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to clear myself from within.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a friendship contingent on who another person is, or what another person says or does.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to manipulate a situation / friendship / person so that I do not have to take absolute responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to blame another for my energetic experience of myself, ignoring the fact that I am the only creator of my experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still therefore try to look at what another should or "needs to" do differently rather than seeing what I need to do differently, and then changing, unconditionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make who I am contingent on who another is or what another says or does, so that the reality I create for myself is contingent on external factors.


I stop.

I breathe.

I walk through the wall.

I put it behind me.

I forgive.

I breathe more.

I forgive again.

And I do not look back.

Write and repeat.

Previous Pertinent Posts:

• Breaking Down the Wall Between My Father and Myself - Day 4
• Conflict Character - Day 73
• Holding Grudges and Retribution - Day 96
• Having Things "My Way" - Day 97
• Betrayal - Day 104
• The Grudge - Day 105
• Hindsight? Why Not See NOW? - Day 106
• SF in Response to Forum Post Pt. 1 - Day 112
• Forgiveness Defined - Day 113
• Emotions, Responsibility, and Actual Forgiveness - Day 114
• I am Not a True Friend - Day 118
• Learning to Let Go - Day 121
• The Sailor and the Storm Within - Day 122
• Getting Unstuck & Taking Responsibility - Day 125
• Resolving Conflict through Conversation with Myself - Day 126
• Wall or Nothing - Day 127
• Still Stuck - Day 128
• Not Communicating My Intent - Day 129
• Together, Al(l)One - Day 130