Having Things "My Way" - Day 97

For this post there are two particular situations in front of me as I write, but the words here could be generalized to a pervasive personality I have developed and lived of wanting to "have my way" and wanting to influence/be in control of outcomes and consequences, even in terms of simply giving advice or my opinion.

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Admittedly I am the youngest child of 3, and the only girl. My mother has actually told me I am her favorite. Obviously there's a lot more within my family that has contributed to who I am, but I know I have gotten special treatment as compared to my brothers, and so I can see how this, along with other familial dynamics and events, has been a big factor in the creation of this personality.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of the special treatment I was allotted by my mother growing up, where I was given special privileges, care, understanding, and trust as compared to my brothers.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see this as normal and the way it should be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to investigate how this dynamic has influenced who I am.

I commit myself to investigating specifically this dynamic and how it has influenced who I am, along with specific memories within this, and also in terms of my beliefs about myself about being "young" and "a girl" where I have believed myself to be inept or powerless, needing assistance outside myself, wanting my brothers or dad to protect me, wanting my mom to do things for me, etc.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want things "my way."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want things "my way" even when "my way" is not necessarily "what I want" because I do not know what I actually want, or even what I pretend to want because I am so ambivalent, because "what I want" is often not self-honest, and I often do not ask myself self-honestly "what I want," and I have yet to fully realize and understand that "what I want" and "my way" are not what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have my hands in the outcome of events or situations, where I want to have control of the outcome and some influence over the outcome, where I will argue or fight for a specific outcome because I want to control, or I want to be right, or I want the satisfaction of like "winning," without ever stopping to ask myself what I want in self honesty aside from my ego or my need for control, or what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be honest with myself before moving myself, such that I will move myself from a starting point of my own self interest, which I realize is also often heavily intertwined with my own self-sabotage, regardless of who specifically suffers the consequences of this sabotage it is sabotage against myself, because I am one with and equal to all that I direct myself to be and do and create.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight and argue for self sabotage and sabotage of others through my negligence of looking at what is really self honest and what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to influence and control outcomes and consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave impulsively in order to manipulate situations for specific outcomes that are like "my way" where I believe/perceive I will somehow benefit personally from that outcome either by seeing someone else suffer or by like "winning" because I have gotten "my way" or another person has bent to my will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to see someone else suffer, and to want to implement consequences for another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want what I want, when I want it, which may be now, or may be later, but the rest of the world better be ready for whatever and whenever I finally decide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to manipulate for specific outcomes that do not even necessarily affect me, or that would not affect me if I were to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to manipulate for specific outcomes that do affect me and others directly, but without understanding the full consequences of the outcome I have manipulated, and as such: sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself without first understanding myself in self honesty and taking responsibility for myself first.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to simply be self honest within and as myself, taking responsibility for myself no matter the outcome of various situations or events or relationships or consequences. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control these things within a belief that it will keep me safe or that it is "the right thing" or that if I do not do this, then something else bad will happen / I will lose something. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to trust myself to support myself in self honesty and self responsibility no matter what happens around me, what other people choose to do, or what outcomes come to pass.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to trust and respect others to make choices and to face the consequences of their choices -- consequences which will happen whether I manipulate the situation or not.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that the consequences which come to pass if I do not try to manipulate the situation will actually be more appropriate and natural and therefore greater learning opportunities than the consequences that will come to pass if I do manipulate the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of my own actions such that I continually evade them by creating more, different consequences, some of which might have a delay in fruition and so I am able to delay facing consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself and facing my own consequences such that I try to manipulate others to face consequences or manipulate situations in such a way where I perceive that others will have to cope with the outcomes, but I will not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish and self interested, only interested in attempting to preserve my own ego and personalities or my own substantial gains.


When and as I see myself trying to "get my way" by manipulating situations, outcomes, or consequences, I stop and I breathe. I come back to myself in self honest consideration of my own responsibility to myself and all as life. Is it necessary that I participate in this situation? Am I participating from a place of self honesty? What do I fear if I do not have my hand in this? What consequences of my own am I evading / how am I not taking responsibility for myself such that I believe I need to manipulate the situation in order to continue evading self responsibility? How am I judging the individuals involved in this situation, and what of those judgments can I apply to myself? Who I am in this? I commit myself to asking these questions. I commit myself to really stopping and breathing and breathing through the urge and urgency to have my hand in outcomes. I commit myself to writing myself out to see who I am in self honesty and how to take responsibility for myself in these situations. I commit myself to trusting myself to support myself and trusting others to take responsibility for themselves, to walk their own processes to life whether they are aware that they are doing so or not. I commit myself to live by example, not by manipulation. I realize that this is what is best for all, and that what is "best for me" as "my way" is best for none.