Stability in Effective Communication - Day 176

My current theory that I am working with is the importance of being stable in order to be effective in communication, and also of basically "meeting someone where they're at" in order to assist and support them through and out of their reaction / experience and understanding that their experience is the extent of their perspective / their sense of "reality".

Here is a really cool post by Emmi about effective communication / sharing perspectives / support: http://thespianjourney.blogspot.com/2013/10/days-334-335-giving-feedback-to-friend.html

This comes up a lot for me at work, as I have written about some in recent posts. It also comes up sometimes with the students, who sometimes might lie or stretch the truth about their experience either at home, in their childhood, or in the classroom as to why they have been sent out for some kind of discipline / intervention.

What I am learning here, and got some confirmation in terms of my approach from one of the therapists, is that it really doesn't matter if they're lying or stretching the truth. What a person communicates as their experience is apparently what they want to work with. So if a kid for example is lying about their behavior in the classroom and says that the teacher sent them out for "no reason" (example: the student was whistling while other students were also talking, and the teacher sent that student out without any warnings), we can still approach the situation thus from understanding the shared perspective of the student and implement solutions based on their perspective (even if, when asking the teacher, we find out the student cussed at the teacher when asked to stop whistling and may have also been play-fighting with a peer) (example: explain to student that during class time no one really should be talking or whistling or singing; just because other students were doing this does not make it okay, and although it is unfortunate that this student was chosen to be sent outside, other students engaging in similar behavior does not make it okay -- you are responsible for yourself).

I had another student the other day that I talked to for about an hour who told me she had been to a juvenile detention center and had friends and family there, and so she did not care if she went back, and therefore she did not care about the consequences for if she were to follow through on her desire to break a specific staff member's nose.

I found out later that according to those with access to her record, as far as they know, she has never been to juvie.

But, the next time I talk to her, if she mentions it, I'm not going to tell her that I know she's never been and call her out on her lie. What does it matter? The motivation, most likely, behind her lying and saying she doesn't care about the consequences is probably as a way to seek out power and control over a situation by purporting that she can do whatever she wants and she doesn't care about the consequences, and also put up a wall to keep others out from even trying to help her calm down or deal with her anger in a productive way. A lot of these kids have very little when they go home, and very little support in their families, so what they do have is their words and their actions and through that, in this culture, they believe they gain the most power by acting tough, getting into fights, or making threats, also basically bragging about how much trouble they've gotten into.

So it doesn't really matter whether or not she's ever been to juvie. It's irrelevant. What's relevant is that I want her to stay in school and I want her to make choices that will support her now and in her future, and I want to encourage her to want the same things for herself (actually, what's really relevant shouldn't start with so many statements about what I want, but you get the picture). I want her to learn new skills for dealing with anger, not just justify her desire for violence with her apathy about incarceration and give up on her because she purports to not care about consequences. I can share with her my own experiences with anger, which I did, and which was cool because in sharing that I am once again given the opportunity to learn more about myself, and I can help her find ways to empower herself rather than giving herself over to her anger / memories of living in fear which "required" violence to survive.

Then this concept is also relevant even when someone is not lying or stretching the truth. A person's experience is their experience. It's where they're at. I recently had a very difficult time with this because I was having some very extreme energetic experiences (I still do sometimes), and the person who was trying to interact with me did not understand this and did not, basically, respect where I'm at, which is not the same as where they're at. Because of this, our interaction and communication was ineffective. For me, I completely lacked tact, because I was completely and utterly consumed by my anger and reactive energy, so that my anger was louder than my words and, I presume, made it difficult for the other person to hear me honestly. For the other person, I believe that the ineffectiveness came from not being able to understand me or empathize or even sympathize with my experience of myself, nor was this person apparently able to even accept or understand / trust the words I explicitly expressed. That is my perspective of what happened, anyway -- my experience that I have to work with.

I could have slowed down and taken the time to express myself effectively by letting go of the reactive energy and just communicating my experience without the anger. And I actually feel that I did that a number of times, but, then, I was still in at least some energy, so perhaps I was not as effective as I thought. What I felt I came up against however was a person who refused to understand me no matter how many times I explained myself (which, because of the energy I was creating, was very exhausting), whether due to incompetence or negligence or simply not being in a position to properly understand me (so, their experience / where they're at / what they understand -- seems likely*). I did try many times however, perhaps not always effectively (I mean, obviously: there was no productive effect) and what I found was that I was abandoning myself in my reaction to the process of trying to be understood by someone who might never understand, and who really doesn't need to understand, at least not as much as I need to take responsibility for myself and my reactions (which is to say, I should have taken responsibility for my reactions by directing and releasing them before trying to communicate / make myself understood because this is clearly best for all -- best for me in terms of taking care of and responsibility for myself and best for the other in terms of me being ready and stable to communicate effectively / not just barrage them with my anger).

*(And what I just noticed here is again this kind of "double-standard" almost where my experience was considered and treated as invalid because it was emotion-based, but their experience was considered valid because it was a "subtle" thing they "had not yet realized"... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated by this and also enter a state of like "superiority" in noticing this because it makes me feel as if I am "right." I realize "right" and "wrong" does not matter -- only realizing and then changing self in self-responsibility to live as what is best for all. I do however consider this as a way of giving myself the gift of validation for my own experience and the decision that I made to support myself in my experience, whereby I can trust myself instead of doubting myself, where here I am aware of my experience and so must direct it as I see best in self honest self support as what is best for all, rather than accepting and allowing myself to use this realization as justification for my anger / perpetuating my experience even after seeing it or expecting another person to take responsibility for my experience / trying to take responsibility for another's experience.)

This is a long-standing pattern for me in a way, of really disliking the idea of being misunderstood and so getting stuck on that point and trying to make myself understood even to people who don't want to understand me. In this case I felt that I needed to be understood in part so that I could communicate a boundary and hopefully have it respected (fear-driven). But I just couldn't keep on engaging in the conversations / arguments, because they were so ineffective in terms of having the other person understand me and in terms of self-support, and within them I was really not understanding myself and understanding that I really needed me to show up for myself and take care of myself because I was creating so much energy that I was not directing and that I was allowing to consume me and make me sick.

So I wish that this other person was better at this skill of understanding another person's experience as being the extent of their perspective / what they have to "work with" (and it must be worked with, not just set aside as "not real"). But this is a skill I am still learning, so I support myself now to investigate it and live it. My experience may be created through and as my mind but that doesn't make it NOT my present experience / understanding of reality, if I have not yet figured out how to release myself from that experience -- it is the prison in which I am living and I haven't yet realized I am holding the key or how to unlock myself. So for another person to claim that they want to support me from a place of stability as what is best for all, and then to not even respect what I am communicating about myself and my experience... well this is very confusing, and makes me think that this person's experience / understanding is also influencing their perspective in such a way that we will not come to a common understanding as long as we are both clinging to our respective experiences -- as such I took responsibility to take the experience that was mine and work with it for and by myself. And I realized that my energy was just too extreme for me to contain and direct while continually engaging in these kinds of interactions where I felt misunderstood alongside a great many other conflict-related and memory-related points I was facing in these interactions, also coinciding with difficult points in other areas of my life. So, I was not able to further refine my communication so as to make it (more) effective, and I could no longer produce the patience needed to be understood, because through focusing on this from the starting-point of wanting to be understood by someone else, I was not really taking care of or taking responsibility for myself.

Did I really fully understand the other? I don't know. I was not really in a position to. The idea was that I was the one who was "hurt." I guess that is a victim character of believing that I have no or less responsibility in a solution interaction if I am the one who is hurt; that it is more up to the "perpetrator" to listen to me and do what I need in order for me to begin to heal. I mean it really doesn't seem "fair," does it, this whole phenomenon of the oppressed having to carry the burdens placed on them by their oppressors, and then also having then to educate those oppressors about those burdens, only to have more burdens placed on them as the oppressors doubt, question, or otherwise do not embrace or respect the oppressed's experience as "true" inasmuch as it is the experience they are having, let alone the experience placed upon them via the oppressor's actions (or inactions). And that phenomenon is precisely one of the many ways that these interactions were just allowing me to re-enact my relationship with my dad.

But, that's the way it tends to go, as long as we accept and allow ourselves to be internally influenced and directed by the reactions we have to external factors. I could be a legitimate "victim" of some real heinous travesties and yet maintain stability if this was a skill I had mastered, but I have not yet mastered self direction, self trust, and stability, and so I gave myself over to the victim character in this and many other situations.

And so I learn now to not stay in "harmful situations" for too long, and I learn to only ultimately trust myself (so not to distrust others, but also not to miss-trust (trust by mistake) others), and I learn to clear myself of my reactions when and as I hear another person say something that doesn't seem self honest / trustworthy, or when my reaction is not trustworthy / whenever I see myself becoming unstable and shifting away from my own self-honest perspective -- a skill I hadn't yet acquired for many of these old interactions that I still carry around to inform and justify my anger (so now to forgive myself as these memories as they surface in anger). And I also learn to not engage in communication unless or until I can be effective, which means having a stable starting point.

I also learn the futility of coming up with and trying to point out what the other person should have done differently. I can only take responsibility for myself. Pointing this out only serves to justify anger and project blame / responsibility onto another, as if their actions determine mine.

One thing that I do realize I need to work on and expand within myself is the point of direct communication, which is something this person seemed to be kind of pointing out to me (from their perspective, did they communicate it to me as effectively as I thought I was communicating to them? hmmm haha). When you're paranoid and anxious and in a self-belief of inferiority, it can be difficult to direct oneself to communicate directly. You just kind of hope someone sees your pain or understands your need or can read your mind... you don't believe or trust that you're right, so why would you directly say what you're thinking, especially when living in fear that whatever you share/express of yourself will be rejected or even insulted? Or when what you think is directly contradicted by three other things you also think? That has been my internal experience when I am paranoid, anxious, and trusting others more than myself, anyway. But direct communication is obviously a huge part of effective communication and so obviously this is imperative to consider, and so I am glad that it came up in the communication we did have.

I also definitely should have seen and realized that I was in no position to be trying to communicate while I was so much in reaction. But I was pretty lost, and despite the advice given to me to wait until I was stable, I had to learn for myself. I also didn't really see myself coming out of reaction unless I got some "answers" or some communication / mutual understanding. What I found however was not mutual understanding, and so in my state of reaction, I just reacted more. I was not stable. So therein lies my responsibility, which is total, because without my insistence and sense of urgency in communicating even while in reaction, none of this would have come to pass, and my reactions would not have compiled and accumulated to an unmanageable degree.

But if you are going to try to support someone, you should be stable, no? I mean that is the first question we are trained to ask ourselves when facing a crisis with a student: "How am I feeling right now?" I mean if you are seeing that another person is highly reactive and you are thinking that you might be a good candidate to show up and assist and support them through and out of that reaction, then you should be stable, and not in reaction yourself. And I think if you're stable, and if you understand effective communication, then you'll understand that it is most effective to meet a person "where they're at." I mean you wouldn't help someone out of a maze by simply standing outside of it and telling them what the exterior looks like, would you?

So go into the maze with them. Keep the rope of your breath and self-honesty tied to you as you enter, but meet them where they are and lead them out. This is the approach I take with my students, this is the approach I am learning to take with my coworkers, and it is now too the approach I am learning to take not only in friendships / all external interactions of support, but indeed even the approach that I am learning to take with myself, to ground and stabilize myself in the physical as I delve into the depths of my mind to assist and support myself out of my mind and into and as life.

Unconditional Responsibility - Day 175

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become extremely frustrated and angry when and as I see that another person does not seem to understand the impact of their behavior on me. I realize that the impact is mine and my own creation through and as my reactions and my instability. I realize I cannot make another person take responsibility for themselves, and I realize that I am the only person who can take responsibility for myself, and as such I cannot make another person take responsibility for me or my experience. - Day 174

This is why I set the boundary -- to take responsibility for myself within the realization that time and again I was projecting my own responsibility for my internal experiences of anger onto another person through the re-triggering within our interactions. I realized that I was not letting go of wanting this person to understand and wanting this person to take ownership in a specific way. I realized that my reactions were accumulating to the point of complete and utter instability within myself and so I had to give myself the time and space to deal with those reactions and to take responsibility for myself by not accepting or allowing myself even the opportunity to blame another person for my reactions just by their presence in person or communication.

I've not done this yet. But what I see is that despite minimal interaction, I still easily become very angry. So as much as I would like to pin this on the other person and everything that transpired between us (so, in that, me, too, culpable) in the past year, I realize that it is only me and my own energy I am creating within myself based on memories and that, when and as the anger arises, I do not direct it, but instead go into justification for it. (Thanks, Sally.)

There is a single point which remains in terms of me wanting control over this situation in a way that is not necessarily fair. Although I see it as something that would be "nice" and "considerate" and maybe even "effective" for this person to do, I cannot control this person, and ultimately they can do whatever they want. I cannot pin my reaction in this point on them just because they are not doing what I would prefer they do. I cannot continue to justify this anger, because this is literally making me sick (in and as my mind).

As much as I would like to be so fucking pissed off and feel justified in that, I realize it is not how I would like to be treated, and so I will not treat myself that way. I realize too that I would not like for another person to be fucking pissed off at me just because I do not understand something. As much as I would like to believe that this person is maliciously trying to hurt me and send me into reaction by refusing to respect this one simple boundary, I do not know that this is the case, and they claim that they are not "trying" to be disrespectful. I realize that no matter what happens, malicious or not, my reaction is mine and it is something I do unto myself more than any other. So I realize that I am giving myself a great sickness by accepting and allowing the reaction and anger and that as much as I might believe that my reaction somehow impacts the other person, I see, realize, and understand, that this is just an attempt on my part for power or control because: I feel as if their behavior impacts me (and so believe that my behavior can impact them), which it does not in-fact, it is instead my reaction that I accept and allow which creates this experience / "impact." So here I am only sabotaging myself and holding myself hostage in misery and dis-ease in an attempt to sabotage another and "make" another person feel the way that I do, or to feel the way that I think they have "made" me feel.

I mean it's difficult to let go of this if I think it actually works.

But it does not.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to destabilize even after setting my boundary such that I really lost sight of even why I set the boundary and what my expectation / commitment to myself was in setting that boundary.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to enter into anger within a projection of blame for that experience being the responsibility of another as either creator or trigger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue on in anger and to accept and allow anger when and as it comes up and to accept and allow the thoughts and back chat that accompany anger which only serve the function of justifying the anger and fueling the anger, the sickness, the disease.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to poison myself within the belief that this will somehow harm the other person or teach them a lesson or something nonsensical like that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice myself, my integrity, my responsibility, my safety, my sanity, my stability, to serve as a slave to the false presumption that my internal experience somehow garners power or control for me, rather than over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself over to anger time and again and for accepting and allowing myself to grasp at nothing to try and resolve my anger rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that my anger is my own creation and that I am the one who is accepting and allowing it within and as me, so no other intervention will work except the one where I take responsibility for myself as self directive principle of myself, my experience, and my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to donate and devote my experience of myself to this anger as my god and idol and savior and protector as if anger is somehow on my side.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to side with anger by which I have separated myself from life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lose sight of my responsibility to take responsibility for myself as the only person who can do this and as the only thing that I can do. I realize however that it is all a part of the process, of my process, and that now I can move forward from here in self-responsibility, also now with increased self-trust so that:

When and as I fall again into anger and blame and judgment and resentment, I stop, and I breathe. I realize I can only take responsibility for myself -- no other can do this for me and I can do this for no other. It is the extent of my ability and it is an ongoing process, so I better get back to it, because sooner or later I will either be at it again, or I will be again diminishing myself as and separating myself from life. I realize I cannot survive in survival mode of my reactions. I realize freedom comes through responsibility for myself. So I commit myself to, when and as I see myself entering again into anger, stop, breathe, and take responsibility for myself in that moment of anger, as well as in that moment of the memory or interaction which triggered the anger, myself as my own hand holding the gun.

I commit myself to the process of unconditional self-responsibility as this is inevitable as the alternative to death and re-realizing this as many times as I need to until it is me in stability and actual-ized and real-ized in reality as my lived expression.

Guiding Principles as Stability Points - Day 174

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the way that I see others treating me and interpret this as what I am worth and so in turn I also treat myself this way (or 10x worse) and also expect others to treat me this way (or 10x worse).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selectively choose what interactions I will use as evidence of what I am worth so that I end up only choosing all the negative interactions that I have with other people wherein I am able to interpret that another person has "hurt me" and so within this I can blame them and I can abdicate my responsibility over myself and also abdicate my own ability to define myself and determine my own self worth.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be worth the same as / equal to all other selves as one and equal as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others are worth more than me and that especially those who treat me poorly are worth the most and have the most power over me and the most power to determine who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that any other person has power over me or who I am or how I express myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself extensively within these beliefs and patterns of allowing the way that others treat me or the way that others behave to dictate for me who I am or who I can or cannot be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow negative interactions to influence me and tell me about myself as if the way that another person treats me, when they treat me poorly, is indicative of what I am worth, but if and when another person treats me well or as an equal, I dismiss this as probably wrong, probably a fluke, or maybe even a sick joke.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by the ways that others mistreat me so that the very thing which triggers my own creation of anger and injustice becomes true because I become the person that deserves to be treated that way by my internalization and personalization of mistreatment and abuse through a lack of understanding as to why anyone would treat me that way -- thus personalizing their mistreatment as indicative of who I am rather than indicative of who they are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become extremely frustrated and angry when and as I see that another person does not seem to understand the impact of their behavior on me. I realize that the impact is mine and my own creation through and as my reactions and my instability. I realize I cannot make another person take responsibility for themselves, and I realize that I am the only person who can take responsibility for myself, and as such I cannot make another person take responsibility for me or my experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to internalize the mistreatment of other so that I in turn also mistreat others and become abusive of myself and others because I have some misconception that this is where "power" lies... precisely, it is lying to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and entrust myself to "power" and power dynamics that I experience through how I am treated in interactions with others so that I give my power over myself over to others for them to abuse as they wish and I accept and allow myself to be changed by these interactions, overpowered by these interactions and my interpretations and reactions to these interactions, instead of maintaining self directive principle of myself in stability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose sight of the two basic principles of oneness and equality, whereby I can trust that I am "okay" and I am not "inferior," and treating others as you would like to be treated, whereby I can firstly treat myself as I would like to be treated, and secondly always be looking toward productive and constructive changes in this world by being the person who changes interactions into what is best for all.

When and as I feel as if I cannot trust myself, I stop, and I breathe. I realize I have principles by which to guide myself in oneness and equality and so can trust that I am not inferior, and treating others as I would like to be treated, and so can honestly consider my actions and behavior within and without. I commit myself to guiding myself by these principles in all moments, and especially to come back to these principles when I feel lost or like I cannot trust myself. I commit myself to use these principles as cross referential points to see myself and how my behavior within and without is or is not aligned with these principles and then to adjust myself accordingly through self forgiveness and further self commitments.

People-Pleaser, Interpretations, and Believing My Energy Protects Me - Day 168

Two things that I noticed when re-reading yesterday's post:

1. How much my "people-pleaser" personality was still in effect as I was trying to figure out "effective and tactful communication" where while, yes, it is important to speak in a way that is easy for others to hear, it is not my responsibility to stop others from reacting -- it is simply the people-pleaser-me that does not want people to react or be upset with me or dislike me. 
• I can't remember whose blog I was reading last night but I'm glad I read it because it helped me realize too that sometimes reaction is exactly what gets people to see themselves. Of course, I can't orchestrate and control all of this, and I think the most self-responsible and effective way to communicate is still to avoid easily predictable and avoidable reactions (within reason), since I can't make a person look at themselves through their reaction (we all know all too well how easy it is to only look at and blame others when we are reacting, even while we are walking process, let alone before walking process). I mean it is clearly ineffective to send coworkers into an easily predictable reaction by stating things that I know they will disagree with or personalize in reference to their own work performance when I could be more tactful about this and speak it in a way that they can hear and reflect on instead of react. I can do this better and better as I become more and more stable in myself and more in each present moment in each breath to be able to consider the consequences and outflows of how I direct myself through my words. 
2. How I really just took my interpretation of that situation and ran with it. I had great success in stopping myself from going into a huge reaction about my interpretation, but the interpretation itself remained, and is still pure conjecture based on my own fears and also past experiences with these people and what I know or speculate about these people. 
• This is actually the same thing that I did a couple days ago too when I ended up crying at work because of an interaction that I interpreted to mean something when I didn't have all the facts. When I got more facts, it appeared as if I interpreted quite inaccurately, and yet I still held onto the energy which then contributed to informing this new interpretation. 
• What I notice with this also is how even when I am able to realize that I don't have all the information and that reality might be different than the story in my head, nonetheless I still hold onto my interpretation like as if that is more real than reality because it is what I am experiencing.
• So then my mind overrides reality and becomes my reality and suddenly I am not living in real actual reality anymore. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, even in a moment of trying to support myself, allow my people pleaser personality to shine through and direct me because I am so averse to the idea of another person reacting to me or being upset at me or not liking me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place others liking me above me expressing myself in self honesty and as what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blur the boundary between effective and tactful communication, and "not stepping on toes" or "walking on eggshells" wherein I have wanted to avoid conflict, reaction, or giving other people any reason at all to dislike me.

I realize people could identify any reason at all to dislike me and the only way that anyone could not dislike me is if I didn't exist. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into and resort to a serious depression through and as my people pleaser personality because I believe that it would be better if I didn't exist because at least then nobody would dislike me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that it would be better if I didn't exist because at least then nobody would dislike me, and also at least then I wouldn't have to deal with this fear and worry and anxiety. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place pressure on myself to please and satisfy everyone around me in all ways always because this is simply not possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect myself to do the impossible, which is not self supportive and also not supportive of others and so is nowhere near what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide from any indication that another person might not like me because I have never assisted and supported myself to remain stable even within this realization and instead become either defensive or self-defeating. 

When and as I see myself hating the idea that another person might not like me and thinking it would therefore be better if I just didn't exist or if I had done something differently, I stop, and I breathe. I realize that I do exist and that I am in the process of purifying myself to be the self directive principle of myself at all times and to behave in a way that is best for all in all ways always. I realize that other people are going to react to me because they have their own extensive collections of personalities, memories, and contingencies by which they limit themselves in their living in self-honesty, just as I have done and am ridding myself of now. I commit myself to these realizations and to continuing to investigate the people pleaser personality to see how I sabotage and abuse myself through this expectation of myself, how this damages my relationships, and how it damages my relationship with myself by sending myself into a devaluation of myself and diminishes my self worth and sends me to depression in wishing I did not exist or it would be better if I did not exist, triggering these kinds of self-beliefs. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my immediate interpretation of a situation or interaction and just run with it as if it is reality, "running with it" by directing myself through and as that interpretation rather than through and as the physical as reality as life. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto my initial interpretation of something or whatever worst case scenario interpretation I can imagine as a way to punish myself and keep myself "in check" to suggest to and convince myself that perhaps it would be better if I did not exist because here I keep on running into these worst case scenario situations, but these situations are only within and as my mind because I do not have all of the details when I make my interpretations and even if my interpretations are accurate it is through my people pleaser personality that I end up reacting so severely to that interpretation so that even if I do make a mistake, I am not allowed to see it as just a miss-take, instead it is me and who I am immutably. 

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see my mistakes as miss-takes and to learn from them, instead attaching myself to the mistake as evidence of who I am and holding onto my internal reaction and internal self-deprecation as the self-talk by which I inform myself of who I am, rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that this is not who I am it is simply a thing that happened and then I interpreted the worst perception I could think of as reality. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go to the worst case scenario that I can imagine and use this as my interpretation to the exclusion of any other possible interpretations and then within this to believe that the other people involved are like "perpetrators" in this scenario because in my interpretation of the scenario I am finding ways to convince myself that I am somehow "bad" due to how other people treat me or act around me and then in order to not feel "bad" anymore I project blame and just do a polarity dance where first I feel inferior and bad and then I feel superior and like a self-righteous victim and then the other person becomes "bad" in my mind and this informs future interactions with them which simply perpetuates the cycle of them probably not liking me very much and then treating me poorly etc. etc. etc. 

I realize not everyone is going to like me. I realize sometimes my interpretations are accurate. But I also realize that my emotions and memories inform my interpretations heavily and so:

When and as I see myself interpreting an interaction in such a way that suggests that another person is taking something out on me personally or does not like me, I stop, and I breathe. I first look at my energy and if I am already stressed, frustrated, anxious, depressed, angry, etc. Am I even stable enough to have an accurate interpretation? I then look at the information: Do I have the information I need to make an informed interpretation, or am I informing my interpretation through and as my mind and energy? I then look at my interpretation: What other interpretations are possible based on the information I am missing? I then look at myself: Is there anything in this situation or scenario or point that I need to investigate in myself in how I could be a better self directive principle of myself to support myself to behave in self honesty as what is best for all? How can I move forward now in a way that is best for all? 

I commit myself to authorize myself to walk through
and past the road blocks that I create in my mind
through my fears of my own reactions.

I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get stuck on the point of fear at the suggestion, for example, of going to the person who left the room and saying, "I noticed that you left the room right after I said x, I was just wondering if that offended you somehow?" (or something to that effect). I realize that this is a form of direct communication that, yes, could lead to conflict, or could not, but that would clarify the point for me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this because I fear mostly my memories of engaging in conflict and my memories of hearing criticism and I fear my own reactions to what it would be like to hear criticism or have confirmation that another person is frustrated with me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my physical reactions as well where I expect and fear that I will shake or that my voice will shake or that my stomach will tumble and turn or my heart will race. This might happen, but it will decrease as I face it and direct it. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use all of these as great big road blocks that say "no entrance" so that I have not even accepted or allowed myself to try, or even explore in consideration what the potential outflows and consequences could be, or explore how I could make that kind of conversation more comfortable or supportive for myself, basically how I could assist and support myself to engage in that kind of conversation because sometimes that kind of conversation is necessary and will assist and support both parties to come to an understanding.

I realize I am the authority of myself and I have self directive principle over my own energetic reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my interpretation and my energy over a situation and hold onto it so that if when and as I think about the possibility of getting clarification, I also hit a road block of my ego of not wanting to let go of my interpretation and not wanting to have my interpretation change because then it's as if all of this energy was for nothing and my mind does not want me to realize that this energy is for nothing and does not support me, my mind wants me to believe that my energy protects me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my energy protects me from harm or danger. I realize that my energy limits me extensively. I realize that using my energy as a protective force is accepting and allowing myself to be directed by and as my energy. I realize that my energy is not based in reality and instead based in my mind as a reaction to my memories, beliefs, systems, judgments, etc. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and be convinced that my energy somehow protects me. I commit myself to exploring and investigating this aspect of my relationship to myself as energy so that I can release myself from this belief and free myself to be the self directive principle of myself. 

I commit myself also to continue in vigilant self-awareness so that I can see myself as I begin to react and as I begin to engage within and as and feed energy so that I can stop myself, breathe, and assist and support myself back to stability or an approximation thereof. 

Real-Time Self-Support in a Moment of Experience: Success - Day 167

I want to look at a point that came up today where I was able to apply self support within moments to bring myself back to stability, or some approximation thereof, and also look at how I can continue to support myself to fully stabilize and sustain that stability rather than accepting and allowing myself to get stuck and let the energy move me.

Today was a training day at work and near the end of the day I shared a perspective on a topic that was being discussed among the majority of the school staff.

I felt very minor anxiety / nervousness as I began to share but afterward distinguished how the mere fact that I brought myself to share my perspective showed an increase in my self-confidence and a decrease in my overall work-related and self-esteem related anxiety.

However, after stating the 2 or so sentences that I wanted to share to present my perspective (that perspective being that some people might not identify a student's behavior as "dangerous" and therefore, given the direction of a video we watched, might not disengage interaction with the student; however, sometimes even if a staff member does not identify the behavior as dangerous, it is still best to disengage, because at that point engaging is ineffective. I stated how a particular notorious student had never cussed me out, because I never engage him when he becomes uncooperative, and I cannot control a student / another person), I had difficulty telling how well I was received. My perspective was a bit of a caveat, so it wasn't really an opening point for discussion, and so the conversation moved on. So, there wasn't a lot of specific and objectively identifiable feedback to see how others received my shared perspective.

Aside from this, what I noticed while I was finishing sharing my perspective was two individuals seated to my right whispering to each other, and what I thought I heard was one say "Did she seriously just say...?" And the other responding, "Yep," after which the first person got up and left the room.

So this triggered anxiety in me and I almost lost myself to my reaction.

But, as I saw some of the specific thoughts and as I saw my mood drop and as I saw myself starting to shut down and as I saw myself starting to rely on some false negative beliefs about myself to explain why this happened, I was more aware of this as it was happening, rather than just letting it happen as if I have no control over that.

So I stopped myself, and I breathed. I had a few realizations which I will share shortly. And then, due to the place we were at in the training, I was able to take the opportunity to turn the page in my notes and start writing self-support of what had happened and what my realizations were and just basically write out how I almost got stuck, and start to climb out of that hole through writing. As I was writing I could also hear the conversation happening in the room and I noticed that people were using words like "disengage" and "you can't control the kids, you can only control yourself," so noticing this also assisted and supported me to stop my self doubt and self judgment because it was a kind of feedback that what I had stated had been received / was not rejected as "wrong" by everyone in the room.

So now I want to revisit some of what I wrote here (I will not copy word-for-word but the skeleton of the following is from my notebook) and also look at how I can support myself to not get stuck or hold onto this energy or these beliefs so that I can enjoy this moment which has no triggers, and also enjoy my weekend and also return to work next week without any energy to interfere with my professionalism.


Basically, I shared something, and could not tell how well I was received, and also thought that I might have heard the two people to my right talking negatively about me in a way where it seemed that they were offended personally by what I said. I interpreted and internalized this immediately so that I:

• Entered self-doubt and self-judgment
• Wondered if I should have not said what I said
• Thought, "Oh I guess they both hate me" (as opposed to just the one who I am already certain does not like me)
• Thought, "I should just not say anything ever"
• Thought, "I am worthless / stupid"
• Thought, "Well what am I supposed to do?" 
• Which was a point of getting stuck in reaction and lack of understanding where, because it was possible that I could have stated my perspective in a more "sensitive" way or could have been less specific so as to not risk others personalizing, I got stuck on what I actually did in fact do and how I didn't know how to do it any better, rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that that moment is over, but if there is a need for change, I can change now in this moment and in the next moment, I can come to understand what I could have done differently or better, I can move forward, I do not have to get stuck. 
• So, this turned into: "I can't win, I can't do anything right, I am a failure" -- all absolute statements about who I am, and not just assessments of one action in one moment. 
• Then also thought, "Great, now I'm in x mood" -- probably the most easily identifiable abdication of responsibility over my experience of myself by which I realized I could stop and support and direct myself to a different solution. 

I was able to see some of these in motion or promptly after, and also see my mood sinking and see like a dark cloud come take over my whole weekend, so I stopped myself with the small quiet voice of realization that this is not necessary; it does not have to be this way; I have self directive principle over myself and my experience of myself.

So I began to breathe and process with myself, realizing:

• Another person's reaction to me is not who I am, is not indicative or definitive of who I actually am.
• Sometimes another person's reaction can help me to see myself and who I have been in a moment, and so assist and support me to face and change that point if I have contributed to a consequence/outflow, but:
• Another person's reaction is first and foremost their own and so does not necessarily indicate or define who I am, and, in this case, after self-reflection and also shared reflection with a trusted individual I see / realize / understand that I am not "bad" and I am not worthy of such frustration or malice, although there is room for me to improve in my communication of sensitive topics such as this when my perspective differs from the perspectives of others. 
• I realize that this is important both professionally and personally, because even if what I am stating is true and valid, facilitating a reaction in another person is not necessarily the most effective way to support them in understanding my perspective, and so, sensitivity and tact is a very useful skill to develop. 
• I have not been as good as I could about validating / not offending others specifically.
• I could have used a more generalized example so that no person would reflect on their own memories of themselves within the belief that I was talking specifically about them and that I disapprove of their methods.
• Within this the principle of treating others as I would like to be treated comes into play. I see how sensitive I am to negative feedback or even just perceived negative feedback on the basis of very little actual evidence, and so I can be sensitive to how others may also be sensitive to this, also sensitive to the internal experiences of others so that I can assist and support best outcomes from my place of understanding -- same as I do with the kids. 
• I have taken this one small interaction and have "made a mountain out of a mole-hill" or maybe even just a little pebble that might not even be a pebble at all, making inferences and then directing my internal experience based on those inferences / accepting and allowing the automatic response systems to take over and lead me into self doubt and self judgment and ultimately self hatred -- all from practically nothing, not one single piece of evidence within the physical to facilitate this kind of internal avalanche / snow ball of reaction about my self worth and who I am. 
• I cannot address another's concerns with me unless another voices them to me -- I cannot solve another's problems with me unless another tells me they have a problem. All I can do here is support myself. I know what I said was valid. I know what I said is an important component of the changes we are trying to implement. I realize I can be more careful about how I say things, but I also realize that I should not have to walk on eggshells just to not trigger reactions in others.

After we were dismissed I asked one of my coworkers if I could pick her brain, and so I asked her if she had seen anything wrong with what I shared. She said no, but she also hadn't heard what I had heard from the people to my right. I mentioned how I am such a people-pleaser that I can get really caught up in and worried about these kinds of reactions from other people, and she said she shares that struggle, but she has to just let those things go because "if you're making everyone happy, you're probably doing something wrong." Basically she validated me, reassured me, and then supported me to find some more tools to support myself. I also shared with her some of my ongoing concerns about job security (she responded that none of these people are my direct supervisor, and my direct supervisor is extremely happy with me) and also concerns about basically realizing that, whoa, I'm not a little kid anymore, and other people actually have more confidence in me than I have in myself. She reaffirmed that it is always okay to come to her or some of the other staff, that part of their job is to support the staff through these stressful, confusing, and frustrating work experiences.

So ultimately, in reflection, this was actually a really cool example of real-time self support and self change, to not allow myself to dip into absolute misery and anxiety just because of one small interaction that I interpreted a certain way and then extrapolated all kinds of personal meaning from. I notice a certain sense of fear here though, because I almost feel like it was mere "chance" that I was able to realize what I did and bring myself out of the reaction. I also feel like this is such a... fragile, stability for me... like it would not take much to override this and go right back into these self-abusive beliefs, so I see that from here I have to really release the energy and commit myself to actually let it go and not accept or allow it back in: to move on just as time moves on just as life moves on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself and then just sit within and as that self-doubt rather than seeking out perspectives from other people about my performance or how I can improve or how I can better support myself because I foster a belief that I am "bugging" or "bothering" other people and also that they do not like me, they are sick of hearing from me or even seeing me, and they wish I would just go away.

I realize this is obviously not true, even if I am still blocking myself from embracing the realization that other people like me and there is nothing wrong with me.

I realize this is separation and within this self doubt, anxiety, and separation as my direction, I will manifest my fears into reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just assume that other people do not like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I should just be able to "go it alone" and also that I should be able to be stable in myself and support myself absolutely "overnight" without any process of learning how to do this or needing to sometimes lean on or reflect with others for support and perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk to some admirable individuals and wonder at how they are able to slow themselves down so much so as to be aware of all of the dynamics within an interaction and juggle these different personalities of different individuals in a way that promotes best for all outcomes when assisting and supporting people to learn how to change to support themselves and do their jobs effectively / live effectively. I realize that this is an awesome skill that I am witnessing in these individuals and when I wonder in awe at them I am putting myself in a position of inferiority rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that this is an opportunity for me to learn and grow and see how this skill looks when practiced and then adopt these perspectives and apply them in my own self direction wherein I can be a pillar of stability in first understanding myself and supporting myself and then understanding and supporting others, and then directing myself only after I have done these.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to often only consider myself and my own self interests, or only consider others and what it seems like they want or want from me, rather than considering all one and equal, first myself in to achieve stability within myself, then others / my environment to achieve stability in the outcomes of my direction of myself.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sometimes pigeon-hole others based on their past mistakes, within this holding a grudge, and because as within so without, I have thus prepared myself to do the same to myself such as in this instance where I got stuck on the point of a potential mistake or offense such that I believed this was self-definitive and who I am and therefore must always be, that I cannot get out of or away from this mistake, that this is a disaster, and I should just give up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become concerned that a specific set of people dislike me so much that they might want to get me fired, that maybe that person got up and left the room to somehow like write down what I had said as if they wanted to use it against me as an example of why I am a horrible person to work with and a horrible staff person at this site.

How paranoid!

I realize that I have been encouraged to keep record of interactions that occur that seem unprofessional or hostile or against best practices and so within this I have developed a fear or paranoia that others will be doing the same about me.

I realize that some individuals on campus hold a perspective or viewpoint that there is an "us vs them" dynamic where I am a part of the "them" or the "others" and so they have probably many of them pigeon holed me and might use me as a target of their anger and frustration about the changes that are happening because I am such a prominent presence and representation of those changes.

I realize that this means that it would be wise for me to develop and cultivate the skill of sensitivity and validating others, like kind of tip-toeing around egos because, even though I do not wish to validate any egos, I also wish to be effective, and I realize that validating others' egos is an effective way to get them to trust my opinion / perspective lest they just reject me absolutely and take out their anger and frustration on me.

I do not like that work involves playing such a game as this or participating in such "politics," but I realize that it is best for me to learn to do this in a way that is as self-honest as possible to support myself in my position of providing for myself financially and also supporting myself to work in a field that I enjoy and in which I am interested and also supporting myself in my own professional development.

So I commit myself to develop and cultivate this skill.



I realize I am the creator of myself and I have self directive principle over myself and my experience of myself internally.

I commit myself now to release this energy and this memory from me, to move on to some other activity within my day that supports me to get into my body and is enjoyable.

I commit myself to watch myself as my mood shifts and especially to keep myself noticing if when as I think "Great, now I am in x mood," so that if when as I see myself thinking this I can stop and breathe and assist and support myself by looking at the series of internal events that led from one mood / experience of self to the next and how I can regain my stability for myself and direct the energy in a self-supportive way.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to almost get carried away in and by and as reaction and energy and negative self-talk and negative beliefs about myself and who I am absolutely, digging myself into a hole that I would not be able to easily climb out of, piling on top of myself layers of energy that, beyond the point of initial creation, and thus the point at which I could most easily stop myself and re-direct myself to change my path and my chosen solution, it would be very difficult to release the energy and instead it would just have to dissipate until I faced the point again and again had the opportunity to stop and support myself in the moment of that experience.

I realize how crucial it is to see the experience as it happens, to see the shift and transition away from stability as it occurs, so that in that moment of first initial experience, in that moment of my direction changing, I can course-correct and re-direct myself back to a point of stability, within this also looking at and seeing the specific series of internal events that led to this change in direction away from stability so that I can see how these internal systems operate and reprogram them in that moment, rather than just allowing them to run and hoping they'll end sooner than later and then hoping they won't happen again or will happen less.

Within this I realize just how much I really am the creator of my experience and how self-awareness and slowing down to the speed of my breath in all moments so that I can be self aware of my internal operations is imperative in walking this process of myself to life.

So I commit myself to this kind of awareness and I commit myself to continuing to reflect on this experience in a self-supportive way (not getting re-stuck in the reaction!) to assist and support myself to further define for myself what exactly I was able to accomplish here and how I can assist and support myself to do it again in the face of other points.

Boundaries and Control - Day 164

Last night I had a dream wherein I somehow came to reconcile with an old friend from college. I guess this was one of my first really big friendship grudges. There were others, but this one was big.

The dream was quite a few hours ago and I don't remember a lot of it now, but I remember that when I woke up right after, I knew I was telling myself something.

I remember that within the dream, although this person and I reconciled, I was placing clear boundaries for myself in the relationship. Basically, okay, we're not "enemies." But I don't know if we're really close friends either. I didn't want that. Actually I think within the dream it had to do with "we can be friends again, but I don't want to live together again" (we had been roommates in the dorms).

And then I think at some point in the dream I came home, which I guess was also her home at that point, and she was doing something that I didn't like, and then in the dream I stopped and realized that this is also her home, and she can do whatever she wants here.

I guess part of what this dream brings forth in what I can remember of it is: boundaries and control.

Without proper boundaries, I feel very out of control and then try to assert control through my emotions and reactions.

With having placed the boundary in the dream (a little confusing to think back on it because the dream is so fuzzy to me now), I was able to let go of the need for control over another person and simply have control over myself. I was able to realize that in a situation where I didn't like something, I am the subject and the doer in that sentence, so I am the person that I need to deal with to resolve that issue.

Boundaries is something I've been grappling with for a few weeks or months now. I've only recently begun to understand them and understand how I can support myself within them. Basically my perspective is that a boundary is an agreement with myself. That's all, plain and simple.

Control is something that I've been realizing I only have if I am not trying to control something outside of myself. The moment I try to control something outside of myself is the moment I lose all control, which of course perpetuates the experience of trying to gain control of my environment if I have not yet realized that the only thing I can control is myself. Trying to control is to be out of control. Actual control is to just be with what is, within the boundaries as agreements that I set for myself in self support and self responsibility.

So I see how these are two key features of all my failed relationships with others and failure to sustain a trusting loving relationship with myself.


I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to set healthy boundaries for myself within friendships and relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike the things that other people choose to do that do not affect me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the things that other people choose to do that do not affect me in such a way that is detrimental to the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to also react to the things that other people choose to do that do affect me in such a way that is detrimental and ineffective, making the other person feel like I am limiting them and like I am manipulating them because that is the reaction I am having within my sense of being out of control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control when things that I cannot control happen.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to realize healthy ways to communicate my needs so that other people can potentially make choices that will serve as a compromise and agreement for both of us within a shared living space or within a friendship or relationship (example: instead of sitting up in bed and making some snarky comment about how I'm trying to sleep, I could have had a calm and collected conversation with my roommate about please not having sex with her 2nd boyfriend that her 1st boyfriend doesn't know about while I am in the room).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my emotional reactions as manipulation to try and control other people because this was the only tool I learned how to use in many instances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to and try to control other people in ways that do not affect me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control when other people are simply living their lives the way that they want to.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to place boundaries for myself when I see that the things I cannot control are not things that I want to accept or allow myself to be around or impose upon myself (example: instead of staying in a harmful friendship too long, I can first communicate why I dislike the way another person treats me and then, if it does not change, go elsewhere, rather than holding onto that friendship as a confirmation of my belief that it is what I am worth and that the only way to prove to myself that I am more valuable is to stick it out in the hopes that I can change this person or convince them to treat me better).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self worth and my quality of life outside myself into the hands of others so that because of this I have felt like their choices, actions, behaviors, etc., are direct reflections of who I am, and so therefore I want to control them to create a picture of myself that I can live with through others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself and others as life through this dynamic such that then if the other person does not bend at my will and be "a good friend" to me, I am able to then create a superiority complex for myself while at the same time continuing to live under the premise that who they are is a reflection of me, so that within myself I feel both superior and better-than and also inferior and worthless.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see realize and understand how what these other people have reflected to me in these instances is my self imposed need for control which is in fact unnecessary, within this showing me how I have not taken responsibility for myself in having control over myself and in making choices and decisions for myself to support myself, instead depending on others to stay within some kind of undefined imaginary boundary that I am not even fully aware of, let alone them. Also how I have not been a good friend to myself or to others, how I have not created boundaries for myself to assist and support myself in choosing healthy friendships and how I have not accepted myself as who I am, instead needing others to show me who I am through who they are through again my perception of them, a perception which is sick and toxic because I have not been self honest, self responsible, or self supportive.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to place healthy boundaries for myself of how I will respond in any given situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay in harmful situations for too long.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay in harmful friendships for too long.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold out and hold onto the hope that another person might be able to change and be the person I wanted them to be.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to accept other people for exactly who they are, and then direct myself accordingly, according to who I am and what I need in self support, instead trying to change other people to meet my needs for support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have unclear and unmarked boundaries so that really the only boundary that has been in place has been my reactive emotions which of course is not consistent and is pretty nonsensical within the physical because my reactive emotions are based on all my many memories and beliefs and other internal mind things that other people do not share with me because they do not share my specific experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within this often make many friendships all about me in some ways because here I am delineating the appearance of the relationship based on my shit that I carry around as memories and reactions and beliefs.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take full responsibility for myself and realize what is mine and what is another's.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always want to take care of what is another person's business, leaving my own business to rot or fester or grow.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am so worthless and so untrustworthy and to doubt myself so much that if, when, and as I see a boundary that needs to be set, I feel like I have to justify it or explain it with emotional reactivity or some kind of impending danger rather than simply seeing, realizing, and understanding that this boundary is what is best for me and letting that be enough.



I commit myself to continue to look at boundaries and setting clear boundaries for myself, which, depending on different factors, may be malleable within a moment of experience in the physical in practical consideration of what is best (so, not setting rigid rules).

I commit myself to continue to look at how I use my emotions, especially anger, to try and control outcomes.

I commit myself also to looking at how I use my emotions to justify my boundaries when really all I need is to set a boundary for myself and live by it. I do not have to explain myself; the boundary is mine.

If I'm Going to Let Go... - Day 161

I need to actually let go.

No more carrying the energy, thoughts, back chat, conversations, etc. around.

What will greatly assist and support me in this is to apply self-forgiveness in the moment of experience.

I realize that I am almost always in my mind, and not only that, but within my mind creating and experiencing and engaging with very negative energy, energy that I have already committed myself to let go of. But I just let it happen, like as if I have no control over it. I mean I'm not even of the mindset that I can control it. Like it just happens and I feel angry or miserable and then there I am, feeling angry and miserable, and that's just me. I haven't accepted or allowed myself yet to really stop, breathe, and then forgive myself for what I have just created in that moment of experience, what within that I have just done unto myself which I would not want another to do unto me -- indeed half of why I'm so mad is because I feel another DID do something to me! So why do I repeat such abuse and unkindness to myself within my mind?

I mean here I am with my space and I am filling it with energy. Here I am with myself and I am filling myself to the brim with negative energy. Here I am now on my path to heal and I am just continuing to self-abuse through my participation within and as this energy.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to accept and allow energetic reactions / creations, and participating actively in those reactions with the belief that it is just "happening" as if I am passive, because I see, realize, and understand that these energies would not happen without my active participation in creating and sustaining them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be active in my participation in energy and passive in my stopping of energy, not realizing that I have to actually stop myself, and breathe, both of which are actions which require effort and work and diligence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to truly utilize and practice self-forgiveness in the moment of experience.

I commit myself to really put that at the forefront of my process to assist and support myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry around energy with and as me even when there is no stimulus for that energy other than my own self within and as my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stalled in process because I am still in this energy and because I am still participating in back chat and thoughts and emotions rather than seeing that here I have myself and I have my breath and I have all that I need to find stability -- there is nothing else that must happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in like a fear or expectation that something more will happen that will also anger me or stimulate more reaction and so I am just basically readying myself and "preparing" myself for this reaction except I'm not really doing this in a self-honest and self-supportive way, which would be simply to find stability here and now and in my breath in the physical, but instead I am like preparing for battle, charging up all of my energy so that I am ready to explode at the first offense.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to just be here and now with and for and as me within and as my breath in the physical in self support always to create stability for and as myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to utilize my time and space appropriately because I am still too caught up in energies and I still feel like I am juggling a lot of different points and rather than facing these points or assisting and supporting myself to stop these patterns, I am just letting it all happen as if I expect them to, if they ever go away, do so by magic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself here and now in and as my breath in the physical by escaping and exiting through my mind to participate in energy, especially negative energy, and project this energy and anger outward toward others or another so that it is like I am a victim and it is up to these others or another to do or stop doing something in order for my energy to stop or heal, when in reality there is no real actual stimulus for all of this energy -- only me and my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still make my well-being about someone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still focus my attention on someone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still make my self-esteem defined through my mind relationship to someone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set aside myself and my interests and my enjoyment because I am too busy engaging in negative energies, especially energies about someone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on all of my energy and reaction as my guide for who I am, rather than stopping, breathing, and being my own self directive principle within the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to react in energy about the things that I thought were or would be but weren't and will not be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value another and another's opinions and what another does more than I value myself and my own opinions and what I do, inasmuch as I spend my mental attention and energy on these things rather than on myself and who I am and what I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish my own quality of life because I am so caught up in how I think or feel or react about another person and a situation.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to support myself in every moment, to, in every moment, look first at how I can support myself, take responsibility for myself, and be self honest, before looking at all of my energy and the "reasons" for that energy and then just participating within and as that energy, allowing myself to be swept up by that energy, swept away by the storm.

I commit myself again to support myself by utilizing the practice of self forgiveness in the moment of energetic experience.

I realize that if another person is not here in the physical with me then there is little to no reason that they should be here in my mind, certainly not if their presence in my thoughts is detrimental to my stability.

I commit myself to stopping this and being here with myself, my stability as my top priority, utilizing my breath and self forgiveness to support myself in this, coming out of my mind and into the physical as what is here so that I may move on just as time moves on just as life moves on.

Liking the Boy Who Pulls Your Hair - Day 148

Today two of my students came to me to talk about boy troubles. Both girls were talking about how confused they were because the boys they liked were very hot and cold with them, basically being nice especially when they were alone, but mean to them when there were other kids around, or otherwise being generally hot and cold.

We talked about self-respect and I asked why they would like someone who does not respect them or who treats them poorly. This was more just a question I wanted them to think about and reflect on, since it is certainly something that takes a while for most women (and men?) to learn. In fact it is something that I am only learning right now.

I encouraged them to be reflective of themselves and only act based on decisions they make about who they are, not about what other people do or say, or what they think other people want them to do, or what they think other people think.

I encouraged them to think about how they could best support themselves.

I pointed out how we're probably always going to feel those butterflies in our stomach when we see a boy who we think is attractive. Sometimes that's hard to control. But what we can control is what we do with that. We don't have to "like" someone just because of how he looks. It's how he actually is toward us that matters, and how he is in general. I mean, what do they expect a relationship with that person to look like, based on how he treats them now? And what kind of relationship do they really want? "One where we're kind to each other, we don't call each other names..."

And what did I really expect that relationship to look like? More of the same? I hoped it would be different. I hoped he would change. I hoped I could make him change. I hoped I was special enough to make him change, to make him be the person I originally thought he was, or wanted him to be. I hoped. Hope is not real. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create my experience here and now based on what I hoped for the future. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to exist in the here and now of reality, responding to what is here, now, and moving myself in self honesty from the starting point of stability in this moment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to change another person for the sake of my own ego, of feeling good about myself as being important enough to another person to make them change. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that I could have that power, to change another person because they care about me that much. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate caring and love with a person changing to be a better person. I realize this goes back to my dad, who said he loved me, but who was abusive. I realize that I wanted him to change in order to show me he loved me. I realize maybe I have a hidden belief that he didn't really love me, since he never changed. So I commit myself to investigate this further. What is "love" in this belief? The belief that I do not matter. That I only matter if I can get another person to change, to treat me better, then I will know I have value. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe this, to put before myself this impossible task that is completely irrelevant to my actual value as life, and which is self-abusive by design. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can be the person that makes another person change. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to be that person. I see that in this instance I have helped another person see themselves, but only after engaging in much frustration and self-abusive behavior of arguing and not supporting myself. It is not my job to change another. It is not my job to make another see himself. I will not be enticed by this ability -- I am tired! It is not worth it to do this when I am not stable in myself, supporting myself. I cannot support another instead of supporting myself, and I cannot accept or allow myself to be drained by another person who does not understand and respect (see himself as one with and equal to) the consequence of these interactions. I will respect myself and stop my participation. I will create myself now here as the person that I want to be, supporting myself, trusting myself, respecting myself, and taking responsibility for myself NOW, so that I no longer hope for the future to be a certain way. I am here now, I will be here now, I will create myself here and now as what is best for all as best I can in self-support. I stand. 

I also pointed out how, from the sounds of it, it seemed like these boys just wanted attention from them in order to stroke their own egos. And so, when one girl stopped talking to that boy for 4 days, he started giving her a lot of attention on facebook, trying basically to coax her back into the position he had been keeping her in: at arm's length, but still feeding his ego.

Maybe I was projecting from my own experiences; I don't know. But the girls said they could relate to what I was saying. One girl felt sympathetic about a boy who was going through a difficult time with a break up. I pointed out that for me, in the past, I would use that as like an excuse for a boy to be mean to me, and I would think that if I could be stable and consistent, then eventually he'd get over it, and he'd want to be with me, like he'd see how great I am, and we would be together, and everything would be perfect. She laughed and said that's how she feels. The other girl wanted to "blast" one of the boys she had liked but who was being mean on facebook, which I gathered meant that she wanted to basically post a lot on his wall about what she thinks of him. I pointed out how that might feel like taking control, but he's probably not going to reflect on anything based on that. He's not going to say, "you know what? you're right!" or at least he won't say that and mean it. I pointed out how here the three of us were having a nice conversation and we were learning from it, but when other staff, for example, shout at them, it's easy to look away and say "yeah, okay, whatever, oh my god, this is so stupid." So when someone is really reactive at us, we tune them out. But when someone comes to us calmly, or otherwise stops participating in the game / dance of reaction, we realize that something's up, and we look at it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be abused and mistreated with the hopes that a boy / man will see me as valuable. How backwards! 

I realize this only shows what I am accepting and allowing. This communicates that I accept and allow and even invite abuse. 

I commit myself to respect myself by no longer accepting or allowing others to abuse me. I commit myself to set boundaries for myself and live by them. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will be heard if I am loud, that I will be seen if my actions are big or extreme. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my reaction with a belief that it will communicate better than me communicating for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed into the desire to have retribution through reaction, through "showing another how it feels" or trying to convey my emotional intensity through anger. I see, realize, and am beginning to understand how effective communication comes from a point of stability. I realize that giving myself over to reaction, giving myself over to retribution, is abandoning myself and abusing myself. I realize that I am most easily heard when I am calm. I realize that others do not typically react well to reaction -- they will react in turn, whether by also becoming angry, or discrediting me, or something else. But if I am calm, then I am supporting myself, and there is a better chance I will be heard and understood. So I commit myself to keeping my reactions to myself as much as I can, as much as seems appropriate. I commit myself to not using my anger to communicate. I commit myself to abandoning the belief that if I can show others how much I am hurting, they will feel bad. I realize people don't want to see themselves as bad people, so seeing the consequences of their behavior sometimes makes them just turn away. So I realize this is not effective. So I commit myself to effectively support myself and effectively communicate by finding stability before I communicate. I realize the other person understanding me is not paramount. Understanding myself is what is paramount. Respecting myself is paramount.  

I've been kept at arm's length, and I've been in the position of thinking someone was quite mean to me, disrespectful, and also seeing his behavior as contradictory and even irresponsible. And yet, for some reason, I succumbed to his charm and charisma, and his CONfidence, and his physical appearance, and I decided I "liked" him. I didn't listen to myself in self-honesty. I believed that the other person must genuinely be that great, since he acted so great, since he acted like he was hot shit, since it seemed like other girls liked him too.

I directed myself from what I thought I should do based on what other people thought, based on my perception of how other people received this person -- not how I actually received him, which was a lot of really negative interactions, that I just overlooked, because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, or I thought he would change, or I thought I was wrong for perceiving things that way, because I trusted him more than I trusted myself.

And this is mainly why I am mad, at myself. And I am mad too because I finally let it be known how I felt, and I fear now that this is just being used once again for this individual to stroke his ego. But mainly, I am mad that I abused myself and rejected myself in favor of hanging out with, liking, and pursuing a guy who wasn't nice to me, who didn't treat me with respect, and who behaved egotistically and arrogantly. I'm mad at myself for trusting someone who was obviously not trustworthy. I'm mad at myself for not trusting myself. I'm mad at myself that I believed it was just the way it would be, that it only made sense for us to be together, so it's like I was "stuck" with that, so I found a way to be okay with it. I'm mad at myself that I SAW all of this, and I ignored it. There was no lack of awareness, there was simply a lack of self responsibility. And now I am here as the consequence for that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be self-dishonest and twist my own words / memories / experiences to deny that I liked someone because I feel embarrassed and because I do not want this person to have even more food for his ego. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to lie to myself in order to manipulate this other person to feel or not feel a certain way. Again this is holding myself hostage in order to manipulate another's experience. I forgive myself. I let it go. 

I'll make absolutely no excuses for myself. I was only just beginning to receive and learn the tools. But it doesn't change the fact that this is what I accepted and allowed, and now I am here as the consequence of that. And now I must take responsibility.

I realize that my liking this person had a lot more to do with me than it did with him. I realize that the fact that I liked this person shows me myself, and what I have not given myself: Trust, Respect, Support. I realize too that I have not given myself the responsibility to give myself these things. I realize that it is who I was as who I have been in my life that led me to the point of liking this person, as a consequential next step from who I have liked in the past. I realize that even though I thought that every relationship after my first should get "better," they have all actually gotten "worse," because my self-esteem, self-respect, self-support, and self-trust have diminished with every experience I have had with men, and it has not been until now that I have been able to see this as the root, that: I have not allowed myself to trust myself, I have not allowed myself to respect myself, and I have not allowed myself to support myself; instead I have done all of this unto another, without first doing it to myself.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an extensive belief system within myself centering on the core belief that "my life will finally start when I am in a committed relationship," and so I should hold off on really creating myself, so that I would be more available and free to conform to whatever man decided I was good enough for him, so that I could become whatever he wanted me to become, so that I could finally be in a committed relationship and my life could finally start, and I could finally be happy, where the "start" of my life becomes the end of my living, the end of the only thing I have: myself, my ability to direct myself. I realize this belief is central to how I have accepted and allowed myself to be abused by men, to how I have abused myself through men, and abused myself through this belief. I realize through this belief I have abdicated responsibility for myself throughout my life. I realize I have not trusted myself, that within this belief I have cultivated and nurtured self doubt. I realize I have not allowed myself to really live, as myself, as life. 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to normalize the phenomenon that men are abusive of and mistreat women, and this is okay, in fact this is a sign of a good relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the small few positive interactions, choosing to ignore the negative / abusive interactions, in favor of believing the positives are what is "real" or what will become real, rather than seeing all interactions as what is real, and using all interactions to show me who another person is, and to show myself who I am being, as what I am accepting and allowing within my relationships with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that another person is better than me or superior to me simply because they treat me poorly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take memories of past relationships, especially with my brothers, where these were boys I was supposed to look up to and who were supposed to protect me, who sometimes teased me and treated me poorly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think / believe that it is acceptable or allowable for someone to treat me poorly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think / believe that if I accept and allow someone to treat me poorly, they will like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think / believe that if I accept and allow someone to treat me poorly, they will realize that I am valuable, and they will start to treat me better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think / believe that my value to another person comes from what I accept and allow them to do to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be used and abused by men, to stroke their egos, or stroke something else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be used and abused by men sexually, because I want them to like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use and abuse myself sexually.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think / believe that accepting and allowing others to use and abuse me is how I can get other people to like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is important or even imperative that other people like me.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to like myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself liking myself to be enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need others to like me in order for me to be okay or happy, or for my life to be worthwhile, for the fact that I am alive to be worthwhile.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to trust myself, respect myself, or support myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give gifts to others that I have not given to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not matter, that only what I can do for other people matters. I realize I cannot really do anything for anyone, only myself, or only once I have done that for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "like" someone just because I think they are attractive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "like" someone just because it seems like other people think they are attractive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide this experience because I do not want the other to use this information to continue to stroke their ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed when it seems as if I have been more transparent than I realized, that what I was trying to hide actually showed through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "like" boys / men who are not kind to me, who do not treat me with respect, and who are not actually supportive of me as life, as an equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "like" boys / men who treat me poorly, who treat me as less than them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think this is normal, this is just the way it is, and I don't deserve any better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses for boys / men / people who treat me poorly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow my own abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify what I perceive as "weaknesses" in another person / areas where they have room to grow, and to believe that I can be the person to show them this, and to help them grow, and within this I find value in myself, I believe I matter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go out of my way to support another person with the ulterior motive of feeling valued and validated and like I matter.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to validate myself, or realize that I am valuable and I do matter, as all life matters and is valuable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself from the starting point of what I perceive about what other people want or think, so that, since I never communicated my intent, I didn't know for sure what the other person wanted, so I held onto the hope that maybe this is what they wanted, so I kept that door open as an option, kept imagining that as a possibility, so that rather than listening to myself in self-honesty, and directing myself therefrom, I was more enticed by the possibility that this person might like me, and then I could be liked, even if I did not really, in self-honesty, like this other person, but only liked my idea of who this person could be someday, or what this person represented for me, or what I had imagined about this other person, but actually rather disliked this person based on our actual interactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be led on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want another person to like me who I did not even like. I see this is abusive. I see this is not self honest. I see this is irresponsible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do what I could to get another person to like me, to stroke my ego. I realize this is also what they did to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be wanted, and want to be liked, so that when I saw the possibility that another person might like me "like that," I fed into it, and allowed myself to be led on, even though I was always kept at arm's length, even though I never felt good, even though I was always confused, even though I felt like I had no control of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust another person to be responsible and self-honest because he claimed to be these things, so that, within this, I abdicated my own responsibility and I did not trust myself, because I thought trusting this other person was safer, because he knew more. But I realize it is not about what a person knows, it is about how they live. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to recognize the reality of the interactions and the reality of living, instead engaging in ideas in my mind and ideas as communicated by another, ideas and "knowledge" about who a person is, rather than the reality of who the person shows me he is.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be a person who is self-honest absolutely, because even though I was communicating with myself, I did not listen to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto "what ifs" and "buts" and wondering how things "could" be rather than looking at how things actually are / were and moving myself from within reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing all of this bullshit that has occurred over the past almost year of my life. I forgive myself for that. I forgive myself and I realize I have learned so, so much about myself through this experience, not only about myself and relationships, but myself and self trust, myself and boundaries, myself and honesty, myself and responsibility, myself and grudges/conflict, myself and friendships, myself and listening to myself, and myself and the desteni message. I realize that I made mistakes. I realize that now I know, and with that knowledge I can now live better, as what is best for all.

I commit myself to continue to work through the reactions.

I commit myself to trusting myself, as I listen to what I communicate to myself.

I commit myself to calming myself and soothing myself when I see myself doubting myself, I commit myself to breathing and investigating the self doubt and the function of the self doubt.

I commit myself to respecting myself. I commit myself to not accepting or allowing others to abuse me. I commit myself to not accepting or allowing myself to abuse myself through accepting and allowing others to abuse me.

I commit myself to support myself absolutely. I commit myself to create and live by boundaries for myself as what I learn to trust in myself, and what I learn is best for all.

Standing as Equals

Here is a cool post by someone else who wrote on a similar topic: Why do I like the guys that do not like me?