Practical Support Idea for Stressful Environments - Day 172

I've realized that one way I am actually sabotaging myself is by not looking at specific points and investigating just that point to find a solution. I get stuck on the "big picture" which is sometimes effective, but in this case it's actually more like trying to look at multiple different pictures at once (work, family, friendships, self: physically and mentally), which is pretty much impossible and leaves me feeling overwhelmed and wanting to give up. So here I just started writing about some of the internal experiences I have at work, trying to focus in on just one of the things that I feel like is out of control. I ended up realizing that my day is so chaotic structurally at work, and then it doesn't take much for my internal experience to seem chaotic, and so obviously I need some way to organize myself. So I realized that although I have already intended to purchase a small notebook to carry around and write in for work-related reasons, I can also use this as a tool to record my internal experiences as a way of seeing myself more objectively on paper and also of assisting and supporting myself to be able to process whatever reactions come up in me throughout the day, since there is not much time to process during the work day but if I can jot down a few things then I might have an easier time seeing the points and then writing self support on them later, or just seeing myself in the moment and like keep myself accountable in a way to not let myself drift off into some cyclical reaction because I will be able to become more aware of my internal experiences and whether or not I am directing them or if I am just having to move on to the next task while ignoring my own needs (to the degree that I end up wanting another to drop everything and meet my needs for me).

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want other people to do something about my internal energetic experiences because I feel like I cannot do anything about them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my age or my gender as a reason to call myself a victim when I am having interactions with men who are older than I am who seem to be peeved with me because they dislike the changes that my position represents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make these stressful situations about me through my energetic reactions wherein I feel hurt and need someone to come coddle and comfort me and reassure me that I am not a bad person and that I am doing a good job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want someone else to make me feel good about myself or make me feel like I am good enough.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I am here to do a specific job and that there might be people who do not like the job I have been asked to do, but within this they are actually not doing the job they have been asked to do, because in fact we have all been asked to do the same job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the stress and friction that other individuals are experiencing within themselves in relation to the changes in their job descriptions, energies which are manifesting in their behavior and attitudes, about me, like as if I am somehow the victim or to blame for them reacting the way they are reacting, and as if me going away would somehow make their reactions go away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as the center of this drama and conflict like as if it is all about me and it is just that these people hate me and are just about to explode on me at any moment and tell me what they really think of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become paranoid that other people perceive me as a representative of the things that they do not like about their jobs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become paranoid that other people blame me for the way that they experience their jobs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine other people blowing up on me and giving me a "piece of their mind" in terms of what they really think of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personally that these people will walk by me and not smile or say hello or anything, that for the most part they avoid any interactions with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take this personally and then judge myself through my interpretation of their behavior wherein I perceive that they blame me and target me as the reason that they don't like their jobs or as a person who is making their jobs not fun for them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to internalize and personalize the way that others have assumed that I am basically snitching on them and their behavior at work even though this is not what I am doing but because I learned that they originally thought I was the one who was doing this, I have held onto this within an assumption that they do not like me.

I realize that a few weeks ago I did not feel this much anxiety about these people and about my job performance because a few weeks ago I felt more confident in myself and my job performance and I also at that point had only just then learned that these people did not like me and so I had not yet destabilized myself within paranoia and instead was able to respond in saying that I do not dislike them but simply I am here to do a specific job and I think that each person should do the job they are asked and expected and paid to do.

So I see that somewhere along the way I began to internalize and personalize the reactions that other people were apparently having about me and as a result my behavior has changed and I have stopped saying hello as much and I have avoided conversations with these people because I have believed that they do not like me and I have victimized myself within this belief like as if they should like me but they don't so they're "mean" and also within a fear of conflict where I do not want to get into an argument with these people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my fears of conflict and my fears of argumentative conversations especially with men.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear things happening at work that would not be at all appropriate if they did happen and I realize I would actually be protected by law if anything inappropriate like that did happen such as discrimination on the basis of my gender or age.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shy away from interactions and also my job duties as a professional adult because I fear that other people do not like me and I imagine in my mind saying disrespectful things about me because of my gender, my age, and my philosophy / approach in my job performance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable in my own skin at work because I feel like people are always judging me, whether we agree or disagree on the approach that we take in our job performances.

I forgiven myself for accepting and allowing myself to always think that people are talking badly about me behind my back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself therefore to feel wounded and small and like I need someone to pick me up and make me better and give me confidence and affirm to me that I am doing a good job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust the interpretations and paranoia of my mind more than I trust the real actual interactions I have with my coworkers, many of which show that they appreciate what I do and enjoy me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore physical evidence that I am okay in favor of embracing conjecture within my mind that I am a horrible person.


When and as I see myself feeling paranoid, anxious, like a victim, or stressed at work, I stop and I breathe. When and as I see myself projecting my own internalizations and personalizations onto others in belief of how they feel about me or what they think of me, I stop, and I breathe. I realize that I am there to do a job and I am doing that job and I have received a lot of positive praise for the job I have done. I realize that if I do anything wrong, someone will probably let me know. I realize that people may or may not like me, it doesn't really matter because as long as I can stabilize myself and act from a starting point of self honesty, then anything another person does not like about me is either their own energetic reaction, or something that I can resolve and face in myself if it is brought to my attention. I realize that I am my own responsibility and although sometimes when I feel stressed it is okay to seek out support, it is not really okay or appropriate or self responsible for me to expect others to give me positive feedback or even just positive interactions like as if keeping me afloat is a priority in such a stressful environment. Each individual is his or her own first priority and if I am not supporting myself to be stable and self-confident in myself, then I am not going to be able to be effective in my job. I realize that when I am doubting myself at work, I am not present at work and I am not able to be effective in my job.

So I commit myself to really focus on my breath and being in the here and now at work, facing whatever is in front of me and taking care of whatever tasks are asked of me.

I have committed myself to this job and so I commit myself to this job, meaning that here this is the job I have for the next however many months, and so I need to find a way to make it work for me.

I commit myself also to carrying around a small notebook with me so that I can take notes on work-related ideas, log incidents, and also support myself through writing as a physical expression of the many thoughts and feeling I face throughout the day but am never able to express or direct because it is always onto the next thing and showing up and basically performing my job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself in a position of performance, of acting, of pretending, because I have not properly supported myself with my breath, with presence in the physical, or with the ability to process while I am at work, so that instead I will be caught up in my mind and my internal experiences while at the same time trying to perform a stressful and demanding job that involves a lot of social interaction.

So I commit myself to carrying around a small notebook for the above reasons and I commit myself to support myself through writing, breathing, and being in the physical moment, within this applying self-support to create self-stability to foster self-trust at work.

I commit myself to utilize this notebook as a way of seeing myself and understanding my experience throughout the day at work, because work is chaotic enough without my internal experiences, and when I add in my internal energies and beliefs and judgments it becomes extremely convoluted and difficult to manage. I realize there are better ways therefore to support myself at work and so I commit myself to trying this notebook idea, alongside a focus on my breath and a focus on the physical as whatever I must do to direct each moment effectively as what is best for all -- which thus does not mean giving priority to my energetic creations as most important.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in being self-ish in my direction of myself so that my self and my internal experiences of myself are what are most important to me so that I begin to feel like panicked in terms of having certain needs met and I feel helpless in meeting those needs myself and so I push those needs out onto others and then allow myself to further create whatever internal experience I have of myself based on my perception / interpretation of what others think of me because even those that I want to support and "save" me sometimes are busy and so I take it personally that they are not available to support me or I become so victimized and anxious that I want them to like read my mind that I need some help but instead we just talk about something unrelated to my internal experience where I feel like I need help, because they can't read my mind and I have been too anxious to ask for direct support.

I realize I can in fact support myself, I just haven't allowed myself to, and I haven't allowed myself to come up with solutions for myself to make my work day easier and less stressful, to direct the stress that I face.

I realize that having a notebook will assist and support me both in keeping track of work-related issues as well as keeping track of my internal experiences.

I realize that I need to realize myself as my constant and thus the only thing that can make me stable because anything else that I believe can make me stable is not always with me, only I am with me everywhere I go, I am my constant, and so I can rely on myself to keep myself stable, if only I give myself the tools to support myself and then build trust in myself that I am in fact capable of supporting myself and keeping myself stable.