Anxiety, Defenses, and Self-Forgiveness in the Moment of Experience - Day 160

Something occurred to me today as kind of a hint as to another component of my recent spike in anxiety, and that is a point of comparison and surprise. Basically in the last few weeks / months I have been exposed to a lot of new people and a couple new cultures, at work and at CoDA meetings. In both settings I have been somewhat disarmed by what I have found, which is people who, much to my surprise, are seemingly quite genuinely honest, open, aware, compassionate, accepting, and supportive.

I say disarmed because that is really how it feels. Like, here I am, with all these defenses up, and they are really very useless and futile here; in fact they are very obvious self-sabotage. (Are they ever really useful? Probably not. That was one thing mentioned at tonight's CoDA meeting, which is that all these behaviors are ones we learned as children, most likely, but we've just grown out of them. These behaviors and defenses were useful at one time, or else I would have never learned them. But I am not a child trying to survive in a dysfunctional family anymore.)

I'm inclined to say I have not encountered people like this much in my life, although I think I probably have but just have not been able to recognize it, or have dismissed them in some way, or believed myself unworthy of having them in my life, and have engaged in patterns that have led me to pursue intimacy / friendships with people who are not these things (patterns regarding wanting to fix others, patterns regarding inferiority / superiority dynamics, patterns of reliving memories and past experiences, patterns of believing I am not worthy of healthy relationships, etc.).

And, instead of learning how to better assist and support myself to find and develop positive and supportive relationships, I have just become more and more narrow in my social scope and less and less trusting of people around me, within the assumption that everyone is untrustworthy and judgmental and self-interested (much like myself and some other people in "my world," or, let's face it: the entire world).

So obviously I have encountered people like this and I have had experiences throughout my life that have led me to believe that this is normative and to be expected. For that reason, and probably others, I have also accepted and allowed myself to engage in the very same behaviors, inside and out, in part as a defense mechanism so as to seemingly avoid getting hurt by these behaviors from others. But I think primarily I probably learned these behaviors from the modeling provided by my mother and from my own attempts to cope as a child growing up.

So this has induced some anxiety in me as I have encountered people and cultures that are not this way, but that have shown themselves to be honest, open, aware, compassionate, accepting, and supportive, and also tolerant of mistakes and differences. Because, I am surprised. And I wonder if I am perceiving things correctly. And then I look at myself, and realize that I am still operating with the defenses up, and I am still operating as all of these really negative behaviors / thoughts / energies that contribute to creating the destitution in which we live, because it's what I expect from others, but here I see I don't have to expect it from these people. In fact, I can be honest, open, aware, compassionate, accepting, supportive, and tolerant of others, and most importantly of myself -- something I've not thought myself worthy of. And I see people actually applying it and living it, openly and honestly, at least as far as I can tell, and it is really cool!

These people in these new environments and cultures are not repeating the dynamics that I've lived out throughout my life. They're showing me something new. Something I've wanted, but didn't really know was possible. Something I thought I had, because I held the ideals, but wasn't ever really living, because I was too afraid and too defensive to let down my walls.

So I think my anxiety spiked in part because I was surprised and was forced then to look at myself and see how, even in environments that are safe, I was still defensive. I am still defensive. So it is not just others. It is me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that other people are all judgmental, nasty, self-interested, and cruel.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to draw conclusions about people in general based on my experiences with a few which were informed and influenced by my memories with even fewer and my interpretations and energetic reactions within myself through and as my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within my participation within the social landscape because I have not trusted other people and because I have believed that other people will always somehow harm or betray me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a point of superiority sometimes in reaction to these beliefs because of course it is difficult to see myself as equal to and one with all of the nastiness that I have perceived in others, so that within this I tend to judge others before I even get to know them, further limiting my social arena and preventing me from getting to know people who are genuine and have integrity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to latch onto people who confirm my negative view of people in general and my negative view of myself and what I am worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto ideals of compassion and unconditional love and respect and support, but to not live out these as living words because I have been too afraid and too defensive and too caught up in repeating old patterns and reopening old wounds and re-enacting old memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create such strong defenses that I have used them always, even when they have not actually been supportive or really defended me from harm, because the defenses themselves have been harmful unto me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be that which I do not wish to see in the world.

I commit myself to investigating my defense patterns and how I have created myself as a wall to keep others out and keep myself locked in, locked up.

I commit myself to embodying the ideals I have claimed to uphold and embrace. I commit myself to equality and oneness as living words. I commit myself to realizing how I have not been these things in stability because I have been afraid and defensive and because I have been existing in and as my mind as my memories and fears and limitations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anxious and doubt and judge myself when I encounter people who appear to be living out the ideals I have claimed to uphold. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to realize this as an opportunity to learn more about these ideals as living words and to apply myself to live as these words. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable in the face of people who are open and honest and all the things I wish I was or have believed myself to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious at the realization that it might actually be okay to be vulnerable in these settings, to allow myself to be seen, to let my walls down, because it is safe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious in safety and to try to destroy the sense of safety through self-sabotaging behaviors.


And what I notice the last two days or so is that I am still encountering these thoughts and these tumbles of my gut and these urges to enter anxiety. But, I breathe, and I just sort of notice it, and then I let it pass. But I still fear it, I still fear it taking me over, and like, it's still there. I still allowed it. So I see how I need to start to apply self forgiveness in a moment, not just later in writing. I see how I can assist and support myself with that. In fact I have already practiced this twice now, kind of randomly / unintentionally, when I have lingered my eyes on some man I have thought was attractive only to then find myself enter desire and lack, so I saw how accepting and allowing my eyes to linger was detrimental to my stability, so I forgave myself, rather than getting stuck there not only in that initial energy but also further energies of self judgment.

And that is my fear: getting stuck in the anxiety. Or getting stuck in the anger, too. That is a big one. Getting stuck.

So I forgive myself that I have not accepting or allowed myself to forgive myself in the moment of experience, because it had not occurred to me to support myself this way, even though it has been suggested in multiple media and from multiple sources.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my energetic experiences because I realize that within this fear I am giving the energy power over me as separate from me as not my own creation, and this is how the energy grows and eventually overcomes me, by me giving it the power to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a passive approach in finding stability because I had not understood the tool of speaking self forgiveness in a moment of experience to assist and support myself in clearing the energy before it accumulates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make self forgiveness about writing wherein I draft and formulate a written statement as a presentation of my process, rather than accepting and allowing self forgiveness to be integrated as my process in every moment just as I integrate and utilize my breath in every moment.

So now I commit myself to forgive myself in the moment that I see the energy.



I got a new handout tonight with more statements of patterns of codependency that I wish to share here, which help to shed light on why I have not chosen healthy and supportive relationships but have instead time and again managed to find people who allow me to play out these patterns and roles because:

• My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
• My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
• Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.
• My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.
• My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
• My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way.
• My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
• My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
• My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies. 
• Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.
• Your behavior is dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.
• I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel. 
• I am not aware of what I want. I ask what you want, or I assume. 
• The dreams I have for my future are linked to you. 
• My fear of your anger determines what I say or do. 
• I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
• My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
• I put aside my values in order to connect with you.
• I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
• The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours. 

And then we can see quite easily how the "borderline" in me is apt to then go to the opposite extreme of absolutely rejecting someone once I have had enough of idealizing them and making my entire existence about them. 

My mom had an interesting idea, as did one woman in the group (apparently this is a "thing" people do), of re-writing these statements (or other statements, such as the 12 steps themselves). In the case of re-writing these statements, my mom's idea was to re-write them in such a way that is like a new promise to oneself, a realization and commitment basically about the behavior. The woman in group was working on re-writing the 12 steps to put them in a language and verbiage that was relevant to her, a process by which she found herself growing all the more as she found more and more ways to apply the steps to work for her. So this is a cool link to the power of words. 

Reactive Energy as Me - Day 145

The following was written last night, after Walking Through the Wall - Day 144 and after moving through a very intense anger energy where I again saw how I abandon myself in and separate myself from the energy I create, and in this I have never been able to see myself, understand myself, or really forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get stuck in the past as the problem and reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on the past as what happened and who did or said what and pointing fingers and blaming and abdicating responsibility for myself here and now.

I realize I didn't know any better. I realize I only had one guide. But I also realize that was my choice. I could have taken myself into my own hands. All my life I have given myself to others.

I forgive myself that I have always accepted and allowed myself to give myself over to others, to exist through others.

I also realize I know better now. I realize I have a choice now, and in every moment.

I realize I am in my own hands now. I realize I am my own guide, and I realize I have guides all around me.

I realize the solution is here within and as me, now -- not in the past, not in the reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get stuck in anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hit a wall of reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear reaction and so avoiding the stimuli for reaction, so avoiding communication, avoiding another person to whom I am reacting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the "quick fix" of ignorance, of creating limits, of building walls, of setting rules, of telling myself and the other that I just can't handle the reactions, so just stop, rather than moving boldly and staying with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself when I react.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to stay with myself, within myself, with the realization that I am not going to get hurt here. I am safe in myself. But I hurt myself immensely by abandoning myself, by separating myself from my energy as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, so who I am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject myself by rejecting and judging the energy I create.

I realize my reaction / energy is a consequence, and it is already here. The energy is here as me, so to resist, suppress, reject, or judge the energy is to do all the same to myself.

I realize I am my reaction. My reaction is me. The energy is me as long as I allow it, and if it is here, then it is in me, it is who I am.

So I realize to ignore the reaction or resist the reaction is to reject and neglect myself. It is self abuse, it is fear-based, it is abdication.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to hold onto myself in intense emotional energy, breathing, being here with myself as I face this energy I have created by what I have accepted and allowed. Facing consequences, being here as myself in my entirety.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to cry, and cradle myself, and embrace myself, and accept myself unconditionally. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as what I create in myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid stimuli to reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see myself by not allowing myself to express myself as who I am in the energy I have allowed as myself, by avoiding the stimuli of reaction, thus avoiding the tool by which I can see myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame and point my finger at the stimuli, like as if it is bad, rather than seeing that it is a gift to see myself, it is the way I can see myself, without the stimuli I would not see that I am this energy, and I would not be able to direct the energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist directing the energy, to  believe that the energy is bigger than me, within this believe that the energy is not-me, believing I am consumed and controlled by the energy, within this then fearing the energy, and fearing myself as the energy, and fearing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become consumed by the energy rather than stopping and breathing and supporting myself here as the energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for my experience of energy, rather than embracing myself as who I am unconditionally and in my totality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I should not experience a certain energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist extreme emotions because I have created negative associations with that experience, because I give myself over to the emotions, because I have separated myself from the emotions, and so the moment I enter emotion I automatically abandon myself, and so of course the experience of emotion is scary, of course it is something I would avoid. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create negative associations with the experience of emotional energy rather than seeing this energy merely as a consequence to who I am as indicative of what I have accepted and allowed within and as myself.

When and as I enter a strong emotion, I stop, and I breathe. I allow the emotion. I see it as myself, I see myself as the emotion, as who I am, as indicative of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be. I direct myself within and as the energy, but the energy does not direct me. I am the energy. I realize I cannot stop the energy if I do not understand it, I cannot forgive myself if I do not understand myself. I commit myself to understand myself, so that I might actually forgive myself and support myself to change.

I forgive myself that I have not understood myself. I forgive myself that I have not embraced myself. I forgive myself that I have abandoned myself time and again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear intense emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become caught up and lost in emotions, not able to see that it is momentary, temporary, that is not all that I am, only part of who I am, and it is a part of myself I can change, but only if I see it and understand it, so that I can forgive it and change it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for my emotions, within this wanting to shut others out so that I do not have to experience the emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for the quick fix, the energetic relief, waiting only for the relief from the energy, not realizing this is not stability, this is not real, it is still in me, it is merely dormant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist supporting myself through intense energies or negative energies. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that breathing really works, even though I have seen it work. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that writing really works, even though I have seen it work. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that communicating with myself is useless, that I can only find solutions by communicating with another. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take out my emotions on another through blame and anger, only to then realize that through this expression, I have been able to then see myself, and so if I had simply allowed myself to support myself by expressing myself to myself, communicating with myself, then I would not have to regret what I have said to another, I would not be continuing to live in and as reaction, I would not be perpetuating the cycle of reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself as reaction, as energy. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perpetuate the cycle. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be with myself and support myself absolutely by myself through intense or negative energies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of crying, or afraid of being angry, to be afraid of screaming or shouting, to be afraid of expressing my emotion as who I am, to be afraid of letting it out, to be afraid of it being real, to be afraid of seeing it, to be afraid of acknowledging it, to be afraid of accepting and allowing it, by which I accept and allow myself, I accept myself as who I am in my totality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself as my energies because of fear of expressing or manifesting the energy as expression of who I am.

I realize the energy is here. It is the consequence. It is already here. I realize the energy needs an outlet. I realize I cannot do anything about this energy, this time. I realize I can only stop this energy next time if I allow myself to see it and understand it, to really see and understand myself as who I am in this energy, and forgive myself.

I commit myself to breathe. I don't stop. I stay in the energy and I breathe. I see the energy. I allow the energy within the bounds of my own self support, so not projecting the energy onto another, not being directed by the energy, but directing myself within and as the energy, allowing myself to stay here in the energy, the energy with me, myself as the energy, to see myself in my totality, to understand myself. I breathe, and I exist, and I see. I write when I have calmed enough to write. I just start writing. If I have to start by pretending that I am writing to someone else, fine. But I commit myself to write so that I can continue to reinforce for myself that this is how I support myself and it really does work, because here in only a matter of minutes I have gone from crying, screaming, punching, stomping, blaming, to a calmness and new realizations about myself through allowing the emotion as me, staying with myself, breathing and writing.

I breathe. I always breathe. I breathe first and foremost. Breathe.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe / operate as the belief that another has deliberately abused me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another and believe they knew all along what they were doing / the consequences/effects on me. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see another as an equal: in process, learning, walking, making mistakes. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to forgive. How can I forgive? I have to understand. How can I understand? I have to communicate. I have to communicate with myself, and another. It is not one or the other. It is one and equal.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder, "how could you not know, if I knew?" I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to adapt to what I knew as what I saw. Within this I see that I deliberately abused myself by accepting and allowing myself to be abused, to be misled, because I saw it as it happened. I also see and have seen that I have deliberately abused myself and another by not directing myself in self-honesty, because I doubted myself and I trusted another more than myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself and ignore my own self honesty because I believed that my self honesty was underdeveloped and I believed this other could only be honest. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to disregard myself in my transitional period into my participation with desteni, where I trusted another more than I trusted myself. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to listen to myself as what I saw in another that was contradictory or inconsistent, or what I saw that did not "sit right" with me and thus was not self-honest for me, even before I knew what self-honesty was. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to trust myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself by rejecting myself in favor of another. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to favor another over myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hear another's "doctrine" and believe they must live by it, rather than realizing that few people live by what they believe / speak, so why would this be any different? I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to investigate for myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe this person was different. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to trust this person, be led by this person, and admire this person -- all of this being separation through seeing the other as superior to myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly see myself as better than the other as I saw inconsistencies and contradictions, and yet still allowed myself to follow this other rather than following myself / being my own leader. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to trust this person as flawless and infallible, thinking and saying "I can count on them to be honest" because they talked so much about self-honesty. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to be honest with myself and trust myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in confusion "because of" interactions with this other person wherein I have felt misled, because this person's words did not match their actions, and yet I perceived them as always right.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to steal away this person's humanity as capable of error.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to immortalize this other person, which was unfair to both of us.


I realize I am errant.
I realize another is errant.
I realize we are not perfect.
I realize what I see is who I am as well.
I realize that to which I react, is who I am.
I realize any finger I could point at another, I could also point at myself.


I commit myself to breathing and being in the here and now. I commit myself to communicate with myself and another. I commit myself to understanding in order to forgive.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear freedom and nothingness and emptiness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear oneness and equality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear connection, honesty, openness, and vulnerability. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel vulnerable in unconditional love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting hurt. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being betrayed. I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself, because it is myself as these energies that I fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having this energy to hold onto anymore. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being boundless and limitless, open, nothing, one. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what is next. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moving on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leave myself behind by existing in the past. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to learn. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to change. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to let go and move forward.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need energy in order to be safe, secure, and stable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself in this belief.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stifle and suffocate myself through and as holding onto and becoming stuck in energetic experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress energies so that they become ingrained in me. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to move through and as energies to release them and let them go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don't know how to move forward, that I don't know where to go, within this creating road blocks or contingencies for moving forward, creating walls and excuses and externalized sources onto which I can project blame for my stagnation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what is on the other side of the wall.

But time moves forward. So will I.

Adding Layers of Energy to Avoid Facing Self (Holding Onto Energy is Holding Self Back) - Day 136

In this post I had mentioned that I wanted to watch myself to see if I was creating, sustaining and thus holding onto any kind of energy, especially negative / emotional, specifically as a replacement to the energies I have lived in for many months that I am now releasing.

It's been a little bit of a stressful couple of days and I see myself getting caught up, even if only ever so slightly, on a couple things. Easiest for me to slip into is worry / concern about a particular member of my family, which is in regards to what I wrote about the last two days. This morning during a meeting with the other mental health professionals at work, memories and emotions were coming in regards to this family situation, the excuse utilized being the meeting conversation topic of the substance abuse by one of our students. So as the other staff were talking about a student's mental health and substance abuse, I was drifting off into my mind, thinking about my family, and engaging in the anxiety and discomfort in my stomach / solar plexus. And so I had to catch myself, and stop, and breathe.

I mean getting caught up in this is not going to help me, professionally or personally. It is also not going to help the situation itself in any way. It is not going to assist me in stability so that I might be able to support my family with suggestions / as a sounding board. But mostly, it is self-ir-response-able, because engaging in this energy is me purposely destabilizing myself basically to entertain myself and make myself feel important within my mind as my "problems," so that I will be unable to be here and thus respond to reality in alignment with equality and oneness and what is best for all.

In many ways, holding onto any kind of energy is the same as holding a grudge. It is the same as that saying / proverb that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Well when I / we hold onto energy we think it means something, gives some kind of control or power, or somehow impacts another person the way we want it to. But really it only affects me, or you, or whoever is doing the holding. What's that other saying? Anger is like holding onto a hot coal: you're the one who gets burned? I mean I see this too at work with the students, who hold onto their reactions and anger as a way to avoid taking responsibility for themselves, or as a way to empower themselves to have some sense of control in their hectic lives. I see it even too with some of the staff, who are facing instability and even chaos amid all the changes, and who want to be angry rather than cooperate. Or the female student who has created a crush for herself on a classmate, and now that is how she entertains herself, drawing his name and other obsessive activities. Or again the example of a student, holding onto a personality / persona of being "tough" and "not caring" so as to cover up or avoid some other real pain or sense of inferiority, real points to face. And I see it in myself, and all around me, as we all allow and engage with and feed any kind of energy, positive or negative, so as to just add another layer between what is real and what we create. Another point to walk through before having to face the points we resist.

I noticed this too as I was walking through the point of the grudge. Hugely. Very clearly I did not want to face the grudge, myself as grudge-holder. I resisted a lot. And as a result, among other energetic participation (the grudge itself acting as a wall in my way), I chose to engage again in my own versions of substance abuse, which is really just mild drinking and compulsive eating. Another layer. Another point between me and the real point. A point which becomes the primary point, the point that has to be addressed before getting to the real point. Distraction and avoidance.

I saw it too when Bernard died, and I reacted. And probably in large part because my reaction was about Bernard, I stopped myself in mere minutes. I saw the reaction as an easy time-loop, to get stuck in the past of that moment I found out he died. Another reaction, another layer, another point, before I can continue on my process. Let it go, keep moving.

And in my last post I had a clearer glimpse than ever at how positive energy, either from others or myself, is still not self honest or self supportive or what is best for all. Holding onto positive energy is still blinding myself and getting myself stuck. My battle is primarily, at this stage anyway, with my tendency to gravitate toward negative energy experiences, which has all the more detrimental effects for myself and all as life. Either way this is energy to hold onto put in my own way. Holding onto something is holding self back.

So I was sitting in this meeting and I was starting to entertain the thoughts and I was starting to embrace the discomfort in my body. My brow was beginning to furrow and then I saw a little further down the dark road I was starting to travel: whining, feeling powerless, feeling sad, needing attention, angry maybe, irritability, selfishness... a whole gamut of energy available to adopt to get me off track and totally caught up in my own little world. Not effective. Not self honest. Not self responsible. Not self supportive. Not best for all. So, I stopped. I snapped myself out of it and back to the issues at hand, what was in front of me in that present moment. And now here I reflect.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain and begin to engage with the thoughts, emotions, and back chat when the conversation at work reminded me of what is happening in my family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to notice that feeling in my gut / solar plexus and to use that as a justification for my mind energy, as like, "wow, if I get that feeling in my stomach, it must be real."

I thank myself for catching myself and snapping myself out of it, back into my breath, back into reality.

When and as I see myself getting hung up on back chat and emotions and thoughts about my personal life and my "problems," I stop and I breathe. I realize that participating in this energy is how I become the victim, and when I make myself the victim I take away my own power. I realize I make myself the victim, and I make myself powerless, through my participation in the energy. I commit myself to breathing myself into stability within the realization that it is only when I am here, now, that I am able to support myself and all as life.



"Hung up" -- I was having another conversation with a coworker and mentioned how some of the teachers get hung up on certain points in regards to classroom management, and I said, "they don't realize that hook doesn't even have to be there."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get hung up on points, never asking myself if that hook even needs to be there in the first place, instead blaming the hook and believing my getting hung up is inevitable because of the nature of the hook. I realize I made the hook, I defined that point as worthy of hanging myself on. I hung myself on that hook. I realize that hook is thus my death, my stopping point in my process, until I can eradicate my participation in the creation and sustenance of the hook, and eliminate my participation in my own hanging.

When and as I feel "hung up" or stuck on a point, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to questioning the point itself. Why am I hung up on it, anyway? Does that point / hook even need to be there? What purpose does it serve? Is it best for all? Or am I just putting it there so I can have a place to hang around?



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto energetic experiences of any kind, positive or negative, as a stopping point for myself in my process, a hook on which to hang, or as an added layer between myself and myself as life.

I commit myself to moving through energy.
I commit myself to stability in all experiences.
I commit myself to my breath, commit myself thus to myself as life.
I commit myself to life and the value of life.
I commit myself to what is best for all.


Start your process: Desteni I Process Lite (Free!)

Still Stuck - Day 128

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse myself from taking responsibility for myself because I am like a "baby" in this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse myself from taking responsibility for myself within the belief that others might pity me because I believe I am facing a point that is very difficult and no one would really expect me to be able to be stable in this point at this phase in my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus give myself an "out" for being reckless and not really trying in absolute self honesty, instead avoiding and resisting and remaining stuck in reaction.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to expect absolute stability of myself as my goal for who I am always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the point I am facing is beyond my present understanding or abilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to basically just believe that I will be able to figure this out later, when I have understood more, within this letting myself off the hook of having to live out what I am coming to understand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist expanding my understanding because I am afraid of actually changing myself in relation to this point.

Of what am I afraid? 

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to believe that I can do this, that I can change myself in relation to this point. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist this point because I believe I cannot face and change myself in relation to this point. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am a failure in relation to this point, rather than seeing what I have already learned, and then applying it, and seeing for myself of what I am capable, and if I fall, to get up, and try again, until it is done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into the follies of this point which is to fall into it and stay stuck there, that is what this point is -- getting stuck in reaction to develop and nurture a grudge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself thus to not live out my new understandings of how to navigate this point, instead accepting and allowing myself to get and remain stuck because that is all I have ever really done in relation to this point, and so here I see that actually "getting stuck" is me participating within and as this point I am trying to walk through.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live out this point as I have always done rather than applying and living what I have been learning through my writing and what I have been coming to understand, within this still perhaps under the belief that I will just do better "next time" but that "this time is a lost cause," and within this belief about "this time is a lost cause," I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself thus to not face this point with a sense of importance as an imperative point for me to walk in my process, and a point which is here in front of me now.


When and as I see myself stuck, I stop and I breathe. I realize that being stuck is a part of this point, being stuck is me participating within and as this point. I commit myself to continue to push through. I commit myself to continue to find ways to support myself through this point, especially through continuing to write, but also maybe some way to organize and map out what I have learned as a reference tool for myself to really see the process I have already been walking in relation to this point. I commit myself also to write specifically on this point as much as I can, whether in relation to the specific instance in front of me or past instances of this point when it has previously come up, so that I can see myself more specifically and less generally.

I commit myself also to continue to stop myself when and as I see myself entering reactionary energetic states wherein I accept and allow myself to justify and validate my participation within and as a grudge, which assists me in getting and remaining stuck. So I commit myself thus to free myself of the thoughts and energies which keep me stuck in this point, bringing myself thus back to what is here and now, back to my breath, breathing through those reactionary energies so that within this I am assisting and supporting myself to even be able to continue to assist and support myself through and out of and beyond this point.

A very cool post by Garbrielle: Irritation and Impatience Self Support - Day 339


Previous Pertinent Posts:

• Breaking Down the Wall Between My Father and Myself - Day 4
• Conflict Character - Day 73
• Holding Grudges and Retribution - Day 96
• Having Things "My Way" - Day 97
• Betrayal - Day 104
• The Grudge - Day 105
• Hindsight? Why Not See NOW? - Day 106
• SF in Response to Forum Post Pt. 1 - Day 112
• Forgiveness Defined - Day 113
• Emotions, Responsibility, and Actual Forgiveness - Day 114
• I am Not a True Friend - Day 118
• Learning to Let Go - Day 121
• The Sailor and the Storm Within - Day 122
• Getting Unstuck & Taking Responsibility - Day 125
• Resolving Conflict through Conversation with Myself - Day 126
• Wall or Nothing - Day 127