Reactive Energy as Me - Day 145

The following was written last night, after Walking Through the Wall - Day 144 and after moving through a very intense anger energy where I again saw how I abandon myself in and separate myself from the energy I create, and in this I have never been able to see myself, understand myself, or really forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get stuck in the past as the problem and reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on the past as what happened and who did or said what and pointing fingers and blaming and abdicating responsibility for myself here and now.

I realize I didn't know any better. I realize I only had one guide. But I also realize that was my choice. I could have taken myself into my own hands. All my life I have given myself to others.

I forgive myself that I have always accepted and allowed myself to give myself over to others, to exist through others.

I also realize I know better now. I realize I have a choice now, and in every moment.

I realize I am in my own hands now. I realize I am my own guide, and I realize I have guides all around me.

I realize the solution is here within and as me, now -- not in the past, not in the reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get stuck in anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hit a wall of reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear reaction and so avoiding the stimuli for reaction, so avoiding communication, avoiding another person to whom I am reacting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the "quick fix" of ignorance, of creating limits, of building walls, of setting rules, of telling myself and the other that I just can't handle the reactions, so just stop, rather than moving boldly and staying with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself when I react.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to stay with myself, within myself, with the realization that I am not going to get hurt here. I am safe in myself. But I hurt myself immensely by abandoning myself, by separating myself from my energy as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, so who I am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject myself by rejecting and judging the energy I create.

I realize my reaction / energy is a consequence, and it is already here. The energy is here as me, so to resist, suppress, reject, or judge the energy is to do all the same to myself.

I realize I am my reaction. My reaction is me. The energy is me as long as I allow it, and if it is here, then it is in me, it is who I am.

So I realize to ignore the reaction or resist the reaction is to reject and neglect myself. It is self abuse, it is fear-based, it is abdication.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to hold onto myself in intense emotional energy, breathing, being here with myself as I face this energy I have created by what I have accepted and allowed. Facing consequences, being here as myself in my entirety.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to cry, and cradle myself, and embrace myself, and accept myself unconditionally. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as what I create in myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid stimuli to reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see myself by not allowing myself to express myself as who I am in the energy I have allowed as myself, by avoiding the stimuli of reaction, thus avoiding the tool by which I can see myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame and point my finger at the stimuli, like as if it is bad, rather than seeing that it is a gift to see myself, it is the way I can see myself, without the stimuli I would not see that I am this energy, and I would not be able to direct the energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist directing the energy, to  believe that the energy is bigger than me, within this believe that the energy is not-me, believing I am consumed and controlled by the energy, within this then fearing the energy, and fearing myself as the energy, and fearing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become consumed by the energy rather than stopping and breathing and supporting myself here as the energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for my experience of energy, rather than embracing myself as who I am unconditionally and in my totality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I should not experience a certain energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist extreme emotions because I have created negative associations with that experience, because I give myself over to the emotions, because I have separated myself from the emotions, and so the moment I enter emotion I automatically abandon myself, and so of course the experience of emotion is scary, of course it is something I would avoid. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create negative associations with the experience of emotional energy rather than seeing this energy merely as a consequence to who I am as indicative of what I have accepted and allowed within and as myself.

When and as I enter a strong emotion, I stop, and I breathe. I allow the emotion. I see it as myself, I see myself as the emotion, as who I am, as indicative of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be. I direct myself within and as the energy, but the energy does not direct me. I am the energy. I realize I cannot stop the energy if I do not understand it, I cannot forgive myself if I do not understand myself. I commit myself to understand myself, so that I might actually forgive myself and support myself to change.

I forgive myself that I have not understood myself. I forgive myself that I have not embraced myself. I forgive myself that I have abandoned myself time and again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear intense emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become caught up and lost in emotions, not able to see that it is momentary, temporary, that is not all that I am, only part of who I am, and it is a part of myself I can change, but only if I see it and understand it, so that I can forgive it and change it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for my emotions, within this wanting to shut others out so that I do not have to experience the emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for the quick fix, the energetic relief, waiting only for the relief from the energy, not realizing this is not stability, this is not real, it is still in me, it is merely dormant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist supporting myself through intense energies or negative energies. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that breathing really works, even though I have seen it work. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that writing really works, even though I have seen it work. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that communicating with myself is useless, that I can only find solutions by communicating with another. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take out my emotions on another through blame and anger, only to then realize that through this expression, I have been able to then see myself, and so if I had simply allowed myself to support myself by expressing myself to myself, communicating with myself, then I would not have to regret what I have said to another, I would not be continuing to live in and as reaction, I would not be perpetuating the cycle of reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself as reaction, as energy. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perpetuate the cycle. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be with myself and support myself absolutely by myself through intense or negative energies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of crying, or afraid of being angry, to be afraid of screaming or shouting, to be afraid of expressing my emotion as who I am, to be afraid of letting it out, to be afraid of it being real, to be afraid of seeing it, to be afraid of acknowledging it, to be afraid of accepting and allowing it, by which I accept and allow myself, I accept myself as who I am in my totality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself as my energies because of fear of expressing or manifesting the energy as expression of who I am.

I realize the energy is here. It is the consequence. It is already here. I realize the energy needs an outlet. I realize I cannot do anything about this energy, this time. I realize I can only stop this energy next time if I allow myself to see it and understand it, to really see and understand myself as who I am in this energy, and forgive myself.

I commit myself to breathe. I don't stop. I stay in the energy and I breathe. I see the energy. I allow the energy within the bounds of my own self support, so not projecting the energy onto another, not being directed by the energy, but directing myself within and as the energy, allowing myself to stay here in the energy, the energy with me, myself as the energy, to see myself in my totality, to understand myself. I breathe, and I exist, and I see. I write when I have calmed enough to write. I just start writing. If I have to start by pretending that I am writing to someone else, fine. But I commit myself to write so that I can continue to reinforce for myself that this is how I support myself and it really does work, because here in only a matter of minutes I have gone from crying, screaming, punching, stomping, blaming, to a calmness and new realizations about myself through allowing the emotion as me, staying with myself, breathing and writing.

I breathe. I always breathe. I breathe first and foremost. Breathe.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe / operate as the belief that another has deliberately abused me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another and believe they knew all along what they were doing / the consequences/effects on me. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see another as an equal: in process, learning, walking, making mistakes. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to forgive. How can I forgive? I have to understand. How can I understand? I have to communicate. I have to communicate with myself, and another. It is not one or the other. It is one and equal.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder, "how could you not know, if I knew?" I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to adapt to what I knew as what I saw. Within this I see that I deliberately abused myself by accepting and allowing myself to be abused, to be misled, because I saw it as it happened. I also see and have seen that I have deliberately abused myself and another by not directing myself in self-honesty, because I doubted myself and I trusted another more than myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself and ignore my own self honesty because I believed that my self honesty was underdeveloped and I believed this other could only be honest. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to disregard myself in my transitional period into my participation with desteni, where I trusted another more than I trusted myself. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to listen to myself as what I saw in another that was contradictory or inconsistent, or what I saw that did not "sit right" with me and thus was not self-honest for me, even before I knew what self-honesty was. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to trust myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself by rejecting myself in favor of another. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to favor another over myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hear another's "doctrine" and believe they must live by it, rather than realizing that few people live by what they believe / speak, so why would this be any different? I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to investigate for myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe this person was different. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to trust this person, be led by this person, and admire this person -- all of this being separation through seeing the other as superior to myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly see myself as better than the other as I saw inconsistencies and contradictions, and yet still allowed myself to follow this other rather than following myself / being my own leader. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to trust this person as flawless and infallible, thinking and saying "I can count on them to be honest" because they talked so much about self-honesty. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to be honest with myself and trust myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in confusion "because of" interactions with this other person wherein I have felt misled, because this person's words did not match their actions, and yet I perceived them as always right.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to steal away this person's humanity as capable of error.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to immortalize this other person, which was unfair to both of us.


I realize I am errant.
I realize another is errant.
I realize we are not perfect.
I realize what I see is who I am as well.
I realize that to which I react, is who I am.
I realize any finger I could point at another, I could also point at myself.


I commit myself to breathing and being in the here and now. I commit myself to communicate with myself and another. I commit myself to understanding in order to forgive.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear freedom and nothingness and emptiness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear oneness and equality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear connection, honesty, openness, and vulnerability. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel vulnerable in unconditional love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting hurt. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being betrayed. I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself, because it is myself as these energies that I fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having this energy to hold onto anymore. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being boundless and limitless, open, nothing, one. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what is next. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moving on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leave myself behind by existing in the past. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to learn. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to change. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to let go and move forward.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need energy in order to be safe, secure, and stable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself in this belief.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stifle and suffocate myself through and as holding onto and becoming stuck in energetic experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress energies so that they become ingrained in me. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to move through and as energies to release them and let them go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don't know how to move forward, that I don't know where to go, within this creating road blocks or contingencies for moving forward, creating walls and excuses and externalized sources onto which I can project blame for my stagnation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what is on the other side of the wall.

But time moves forward. So will I.