Jealousy, Inferiority, & Superiority - Day 93.1

The point I am looking at here was first described in Reacting Before I Even Realize What I am Doing - Day 93. I believe this specific example can very easily be generalized to any experience of jealousy, inferiority, and superiority. Some of what I have been able to see and realize within myself in this instance has been facilitated through the private writing I have been doing over the last week.

So first of all I noticed that I was rather bewildered at the start of the evening because it was my first time in a casino (the concert was outdoors behind the casino which was very pleasant), and I was so surprised at how it reeked of cigarettes, and then I noticed myself becoming jealous and judgmental of what other people were wearing, where I reacted to this by feeling jealous internally at peoples' clothes or how attractive I judged them to be, and then mentioning to my friend about what silly things people decide to wear to "look cool" at shows -- where obviously they are succeeding at "looking cool" because I am allowing myself to get jealous. Another point unto itself!

Jealousy makes you nasty in your face!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become jealous of other peoples' clothes or physical appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resort to negative judgments in order to deflect and avoid my sense of inferiority that comes with jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to second guess what I had decided to wear (which was basically what I wear every day), thinking I should have "dressed cute" or been more "creative" with my outfit because I saw that I felt jealous of these other women and I wanted other women to feel jealous of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if other people feel jealous of me, I will somehow know this and also somehow benefit from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want other people to feel bad about themselves / inferior within the belief that this will somehow mean I get to feel good about myself / superior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior / jealous such that I have wanted to experience the polar opposite of this and have wanted to strategically position myself to feel superior, not realizing that this is just the other side of the same coin, and not considering that this is certainly NOT equality, oneness, or what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the way out of my mind as my experience of inferiority is through and as my mind as an experience of superiority.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to simply stop my participation within this dynamic/polarity and walk out of my mind into the physical within and as my breath, supporting myself here, within this particular instance accepting that my clothes are doing their job, and I am here to enjoy this event.


When and as I see myself experiencing a point of jealousy or inferiority, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that here I am tempted to jockey for a better position, to place myself as superior no matter the cost, and I realize that the cost is one and equal for myself and any others whom I am trying to make feel inferior.

I realize it is NOT better to feel superior, as I have seen through my own experiences.

I realize that, in this particular topic of clothing, when I have dressed "cute" and created for myself an "outfit" based on what I believe will make others view me a certain way, I usually end up feeling very uncomfortable and self conscious and wishing I was wearing something more normal (as in what I normally wear).

I realize too that there I have been times when I have worn clothing that is not particularly comfortable and is not normal attire for me, but that at these times I have used the clothing as an expression of myself, where the starting point for wearing the clothes is as an expression of myself without trying to estimate how others will or might react.

So here I realize that some of these women who have "creative" outfits may well simply be expressing themselves as who they are, and that is really cool of them to do so.

I realize that judging another person for their expression, no matter their starting point, is self dishonest because I cannot know their starting point and I cannot know why they make the choices they make and it's really none of my business anyway, at least until I get myself sorted out, if even then.

So I commit myself to equality first within and as myself as self honesty in my expression of myself, self honesty in seeing myself, and self honesty in taking responsibility for myself.

I commit myself then to equality with others as life as self honesty in my interactions with others, self honesty in seeing others as myself as life, and self honesty in taking responsibility for the reactions I create as perceived to be triggered by others.

Showing Up for Myself Part 3: Self Support through Reading Blogs - Day 89

This post is a continuation within a series about "showing up" for myself, embodying and reuniting with myself as life.
Showing Up for Myself - Day 83
Showing Up for Myself Part 1: lONEliness - Day 85
Showing Up for Myself Part 1.5: Abandoning Myself through Participation in My Mind - Day 86
Showing Up for Myself Part 2: Walking Through Points in Writing & the Writing Process - Day 87

The following is an excerpt from Day 83, and is here as reference for the main portion of this post.

I also know that I have not been doing a good job keeping up with my commitment to read at least 3 blogs per day. I've barely made a dent in the BIG blogs. So I'm not supporting myself there. I'd rather sleep. Or play Candy Crush... which is why I resisted playing for so long, in part.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to once again open up multiple pages of blogs that I "want" to read but to not actually read them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scroll through a blog and see that it is long and basically wish that I already had it read and already had the information, rather than actually reading it and learning from it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get distracted when I first start reading a blog, like thinking "I can do this later" where I believe that eventually it will get done but I never actually do it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force myself to read blogs and then sort of zone out while doing so so that I do not even know what I am reading. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes feel overwhelmed and intimidated when I read some blogs because they seem so clear and to the point and concise and I want to have written them or I want to have had those conclusions within myself, rather than realizing what an excellent resource this blog is and being grateful that it has been shared for me to read, and benefiting from it in this way. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to "show up" for myself, to be here for myself, within reading blogs, where I have all of these experiences listed above instead of simply focusing my attention on reading and understanding the blog and reflecting on myself within the blog to see what I can learn to support myself, where here it's like just by reading a title that seems pertinent and like it would benefit me, I believe I have supported myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read titles of blogs and think "oh that's an interesting topic, that seems beneficial" and then not bother to read it because I believe something like "it's already out there" and "someone already figured that out" so "now I don't have to" so that within this I become more apathetic about myself and my direction of myself within this process, where not only do I not read the blog to support myself but I also then believe that this is no longer a point I need to bother looking at within myself -- very very silly. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer to play a game on my phone or watch a tv show or sleep rather than read a blog or a book or do something which is self supportive like cleaning/organizing my environment. 

When and as I see myself resisting reading a blog, I stop and I breathe. 

I realize that I have opened this blog up in this page because I have identified it as being something I "want" to read within a belief that it will be beneficial and self supportive to do so, and also because I am interested in what others are learning and what points they are walking and what all there is to discover about ourselves and our minds. 

I realize thus that it is only self supportive to actually follow through and actually read the blogs I identify within myself as wanting to read. 

I realize that when I open up so many pages it is easy to then feel overwhelmed at how many I have identified as wanting to read, so I recommit myself to reading blogs as I open them, one by one. 

I also commit myself to remembering that it really does not take that long to read a blog. 

I commit myself to directing my attention and focus onto the words on the screen and being here with myself and with those words, comprehending and integrating them within a reflection of myself and all as life.

So as it turns out I've been pretty good about reading at least 3 blogs per day, sometimes more. Nonetheless I still have a ton of them open in my browser that I put off until later and generally choose to do other less productive things in lieu of reading the blogs. So I have to push myself one by one to go through them, and push myself to make choices in each moment that are aligned with what is best for me/all.

So this is a resistance to supporting myself through reading these blogs, a resistance to educating myself and accessing information that is out there for me to learn and integrate into myself.

As I mentioned in the next section of the original post, I have felt like I need a guide, like someone to help me through this process and basically feed me information in response to whatever it is that I am presently going through/facing. I have in many areas for the majority of my life always wanted someone to "hold my hand" basically, or even to do things for me, like instead of me. I have not wanted to be the self directive principle of myself, taking action to better myself or actually change myself. I have wanted to simply already be changed, without doing the work. I have wanted simply to be content, without having to figure out how and act on it. I have wanted simply to be smart and educated and already have the answers, without realizing that I must do the work to become this, to be this.

I have wanted basically to sleep through life and have others do the living for me. Time and again this is what it comes down to.

So this relates not only to what I had previously written about commitments to educate myself through reading other blogs, but also to what I wrote about the perceived desire/need for some kind of guidance, someone to show me the way, someone to tell me what next step to take. But with my lack of action in the former, I am exacerbating the latter, where it is in the former that I can be my own guide and show myself the way by seeing where others have gone or are going.

The problem sometimes arises that I feel intimidated when I read other blogs. As I said before, they seem so clear and concise.

Sometimes I read them and think "I have thought the same thing!" and then go into like a competition and jealousy where I wish that I had been the one to say it, basically so that people will like me and approve of me and think I am smart -- so assuming the reaction of others to what I say as being self-serving of my ego, rather than, if I were to "be the first one to say that," saying it simply for the sake of sharing perspective.

Sometimes I read blogs and they are clear and concise and not really something I had ever realized or thought about before, or at least certainly not with such clarity, and so then I go into inferiority and fear that I will ever be able to see myself that clearly, that I will ever be able to write myself that clearly, or that I will ever be able to contribute like that to this body of work. Still competitive. Still not self supportive but self serving of my ego. Still not embodying myself within the here and now, still judging myself for not being some certain idealized way already.

This is all interrelated too to the crossroads I am approaching where I am nearing the end of my coursework in DIP Lite and will thus have the opportunity to apply for sponsorship for DIP Pro. And there is a lot going on in my mind in reaction to this crossroads and the consideration of whether or not this is something I "want" to do. 

On the one hand I hope that the DIP Pro "buddy" experience will be more involved, and from what I gather, it is. But I also realize that I have not been as involved in this process as I could be in terms of guiding myself in my own education or in seeking out support on the forum.

I also know that DIP Pro is a larger commitment than DIP Lite and that I fear that I will be able to keep up this commitment. I still have yet to even really fully commit myself to this process. It has remained something that "I just started doing one day" and have kept doing almost every day. Quite a few people in my personal life know at least a little bit about my involvement, but I keep my online identities separate as much as I can, not posting desteni material on facebook for fear of what others will think and how they might judge me or criticize me. This is something about which I have seen many write and that I have yet to write about and really consider for myself. I've hardly even admitted it as the justification I have had for my failure to integrate this as myself as who I am at all times in all ways.

Me? Afraid of what others think? No, never.

Ah, so then yes, always. Too afraid even to admit that I am afraid.

One of the fears in that is that I do not want to espouse to support something I do not understand and therefore cannot explain properly to another. So I continue thus to educate myself -- coming back again to the commitment to keep up with reading blogs, watching google hang outs, listening to interviews.


So when and as I see myself feeling stagnant within my process as my interaction with material and integration of learning, I stop and I breathe. I realize no one else can really teach me -- I tried this in school for 16 years and learned only a fraction of what I was "taught." I realize only I can teach myself, and only I can direct myself to learn and to seek out understanding. I commit myself to re-prioritize once again my own education and understanding of the material created by those who have come before me so that I can guide myself by these maps and forge my own path within my journey to life.

I commit myself to investigating who I am within this process and within desteni. Why have I participated thus far? Why should I continue?


One reason I can see is that time is running out. It could already be too late. This world is dying. Earth is dying and we are all walking atop it, dead, dying, and killing as we go. Zombies really. But it might not be too late. I have a choice to make: Do I want to be dead or a life?

Showing Up for Myself Part 1.5: Abandoning Myself Through Participation in My Mind - Day 86

In yesterday's post (Showing Up for Myself Part 1: lONEliness - Day 85) I meandered into somewhat of a separate point in terms of the mind energy I create in thinking about other people and myself always in reference to other people, so I want to expand on that to clarify and specify because I think there is more to look at and figure out here... and then I will move on to the next point of showing up here in my writing process. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be looking outside myself at others, at how they are (how I perceive them to be), and to then judge myself based on this, like I need to be a certain way in order for them to come and rescue me, in order for them to think I am worth their time, so that they will come fill my void. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always place myself in comparison to others, in the shadow of others, inferior to others, needing others, and within all of this denying, rejecting, disowning, and abandoning myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider others as their opinions, beliefs, likes, dislikes (or my perception/projection of these things, anyway), interests, hobbies, etc., and to then believe that this is better than who I am, like the person that I am in all of my interests, hobbies, appearance, opinions, beliefs, likes, and dislikes etc. is less than and inferior to all of these things of another person. So that here instead of asking myself what I think, or what I want, or who I am, I look to others to see who I perceive them to be, then define this as "better" and "superior" within the negligence to ask myself about myself, to look at myself, to be here with myself, to support myself in this moment of where I am within my mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend more time considering another person than I have spent considering myself within self honesty. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust others absolutely and to not trust myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be within and as my mind with another person, thinking about that person, supporting another person through my beliefs about that person, like supporting them up to a higher level than myself by neglecting myself and believing this other person is greater than I, instead of supporting myself, being here with myself, as I am the only one who will ever really be here with me, and I am always with me. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am always here with me and I am my greatest source of support and stability -- my only constant source of support and stability -- I am support and stability for myself within and as myself.

So what all of this interrelates with is this tendency that I have to identify another person -- either a crush or even just a potential friend, or someone I am jealous of -- and then to think about that person and think about basically how I can get them to like me, what are they like and then how can I emulate this or behave in ways that I believe will make them like me, or if they have interests different from mine or if I project/assume/believe that they would respond/react to a certain idea or situation a certain way, perhaps different from how I would, I automatically go into this belief that their way of being is superior to my way of being, and then into wanting to change and meld myself into someone who they would approve of -- all the while assuming thus that they would disapprove of who I am, and within this I am disapproving of who I am, not accepting myself, not being here with myself to support myself as who I am within self honesty, but rejecting myself in favor of who I perceive another to be.

So I compromise myself in order to create myself in an image that I believe my projected/perceived image of this other person would "want" or "like" me to be. So it is in these fantasies/imaginations of how I can obtain/attain this friendship or relationship or another's approval that am effectively actively abandoning myself, not being here with myself as who I am within self honesty but am instead creating another in my mind and then trying to create myself in that other's image with the belief that the other is better and therefore I should be more like the other, either for the other to like me or for other people who seem to like the specific other to like me (jealousy). All of this, obviously, is images/ideas in my mind interacting with other images/ideas in my mind. None of it is real. None of it is here with myself in self honesty, self responsibility, and self support.

So I am exiting reality THROUGH my mind (as opposed to exiting OUT OF my mind into reality) in and as my thoughts about others/another, imaginations of others/another, thus abandoning myself as here in the physical as reality as life, and also abusing myself through the thoughts/beliefs of my mind wherein I create myself as less than and others as greater than, such thus that I am abusing all life in my participation in inequality and separation.

This happens in other instances as well, obviously: going into my mind in a participation within jealousy/envy, desire/lust, anger/blame, imaginations/remembrances of conflict -- in all of these I am not here with myself in the physical in the present moment as my breath -- in all of these I am creating relationships within my mind which are based in inequality -- in all of these I am abandoning myself in favor of investing myself into my participation in all of this, divesting myself of my own self as my presence with and unification with myself, and so it is no wonder that I feel so alone, so afraid, so helpless, and thus so depressed, so often.


So here I see that part of "showing up" for myself, being here with myself, reuniting with myself as one as equal as life, involves stopping my participation within my mind as thoughts that are fueled by jealousy or inferiority complexes, or participating in imaginary realities based in desire/lust, or anger and conflict and blame, because each time that I engage myself in the creation and participation of these things, I am leaving myself in the physical and existing instead in my mind, thus reinforcing the idea/belief that I am not worthy even of my own love and support, thus creating the voids which I seek for others to fill.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hear a song or see a picture or movie or some other stimulus in my environment, have it remind me of someone, and then to consider what that other person might think, whether they would like or dislike this thing, and then to believe that I should respond to the stimulus in the same way that I have imagined they would respond, within this believing thus that the other is an ideal model which I should emulate, thus denying myself self-expression or the ability to have my own responses within self honesty as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend a lot of time in mind considering another person as who I believe them to be and to compare myself to them within the belief that they are better than I am, most often, although sometimes I also denigrate them within my mind and build myself up, within both instances creating and participating in inequality and separation of living beings who are actually one and equal as life, thus creating justifications for the denigration of life -- my own or others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon myself continually by leaving my physical body within my awareness of who and where I am and instead existing within and as my mind, where here I create beliefs about myself and others, project images of myself onto others, and develop relationships within my mind outside of physical reality, giving myself reasons for continuing in jealousy, continuing in self doubt, continuing in desire/lust, continuing in hope, continuing in fear, continuing in anger, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically dig out craters within myself as voids and to give these parts of myself to others through my beliefs about them and energy I put toward these beliefs/imaginations and thus within this believe that it is others who can fill these voids, that another must come along and tell me I am okay and make me feel whole, when I am the one who has created the holes and divided myself against myself.


When and as I see myself drifting off into my mind within considerations of another which are based in false assumptions, imaginations, and projections, and are designed to reinforce inequality and separation of myself from others as life, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to return to my breath, returning my awareness to my physical body, returning my intention to self-support, and turning any or all points back to myself to see what my beliefs/imaginations/projections really say about me. I commit myself to stop denigrating myself or disparaging others, to stand with and as myself as one as equal as life, to continue to investigate what this really means, and to see, realize, and understand others also as one, equal, life, as what is best for all.


I sense there is still more to sort out or clarify/specify here, but unless I have some remarkable realization before tomorrow evening, I will finally get to the next part of this little series.