As Reality Changes, So Must I - Day 169

One of the things that I have identified as "stressful" recently has been the increased age and illness of my grandparents.

Today my mom came to me with a "proposition" where after two days ago my grandparents looked at and very much disliked an "old folks home" then yesterday we discussed the possibility of someone coming into their home each evening to help out, now today we are looking at the possibility of my mom and myself going over there on different evenings to help out. She wants me to pick two evenings that I would be able and willing to do this.

I am able and willing but I hit a couple road blocks that are basically like the spoiled brat within me coming out. Also fear.

So firstly I am in the process of living my life for myself, having released myself from certain energies I created in relationship. But obviously this cannot be done selfishly and so this is not an excuse to not help out members of my family who need help. But I notice that I get a little stuck on that point because I am not the greatest at time management or mood management and so free time + good mood coinciding is difficult to come about, where within that free time and good mood I can enjoy activities rather than waste time in a bad mood. Central there, I guess, is mood, which is great because "mood" is a thing I am learning how to direct, and taking some of "my" time to give to others (who happen to love me and have been of tremendous support within my life) is probably only going to serve as a support for learning to direct and manage my moods in a way that is best for all and best for me rather than merely self-serving.

So that point is moot.

Secondly I have this sense of feeling unsure, "awkward" even, of how to take care of my grandparents and ensure that their needs are met. Do I even believe I am capable of this? Well, what does the task involve? Going to their house right after work, sitting, chatting, maybe emptying the dishwasher, preparing whatever meal they will have that night, do the dishes, and leave. Maybe some days I will do laundry too. My mom says that sometimes when she goes over, she just sits on the couch or the patio and reads, because simply the fact that she is there is pleasant for them and then if they need anything they can call for her. So this is actually very simple. Also enjoyable, because I really do enjoy my grandparents.

I do tend to slip into this "youngest child," "baby" personality though where it's like I've always been the "observer" in my family, watching the "big people" do things and take care of things, and also sometimes argue. So in that sense I am now moving into, as an adult, the role of "actor," one who actually does those behaviors I have always watched, and I find that I have little confidence in my ability to do this and also feel like I will be watched judgmentally by those around me to make sure I am doing it right, which is a kind of pressure point and is completely self-made. I mentioned this somewhat to my mom and she pointed out that it is a point of growth, which makes sense. I am not a kid, even if sometimes my role as "the youngest" makes me feel perpetually like a kid, that is just a personality I created to cope from within my position in my family, and now I am an adult and I have self directive principle over myself, so to not limit myself within my beliefs about myself and of what I am capable or what others expect of me or what I should or should not do.

(A weird thing that I keep coming up against in the last few weeks/months and also with the idea of growing older is this idea of holding myself back in imagining myself as young, immature, incapable, etc., and hoping someone else will take care of certain things for me so that I don't ever have to learn how. But really, in the past 10 years I have done some of the very things that I now limit myself from doing in various forms and all with quite a bit of success. So what's with that? Fear of growing up? Increased anxiety? Removing layers (facades) of "functioning" personalities only to find some of the less functioning ones underneath?)

So again it seems as if this change of going to my grandparents' house two nights a week will in fact assist and support me to grow within this point, to release myself from self limitations of being "the youngest."

"The youngest" is also an interesting point in relation to victimization, which is something I have done a small bit of private writing on in regards to communication and work, where here in this instance it's that I have 2 older brothers and so I ask why I have to be the one to do this (and the answer is obvious) and so then feel like "I have to do everything," which then either serves to break me down or to build me up in my ego as I feel self-righteous in how I participate in more than others do and how I manage myself "so much better" than others and that is why I am entrusted with these kinds of tasks.

And that is interesting to look at in relation to what I was writing earlier today in regards to self-victimization in relation to "effective and tactful communication," so perhaps I will try to find a good time to share that here.

Lastly, and perhaps most avoided through the above points, is simply sadness. Grief. Not liking what is happening and not being able to do anything about it*. A feeling of revolt about the idea of going to a stressful job only to leave and "work" at my grandparents' house (because this "bad thing" has happened), and tied to that the idea that I have no one with whom to share that grief: Loneliness. Within that I notice an urge or desire to basically "complain" and to make it sound as if I have it bad. But I don't. I just feel alone, and so that is some weird misguided tactic to get attention / support from others, whereas the converse of that is to act as if it is no big deal at all, as often happens when someone does in fact offer me their sympathy. The solution is to stand tall and stable as myself, supporting myself, and to continue to do what I can to support myself in all areas of my life.

(*But actually I can do a lot about it: I can ensure that my grandparents continue to enjoy their lives even up to the very end, and I can support my grandma by researching ways to support individuals facing Alzheimer's and I can make her a schedule so that she knows what is happening etc. etc. I cannot change reality, no, but I can support it to exist in a way that is best for all. To resign myself in defeat and not do anything because I believe I cannot do anything is self dishonest and self irresponsible and only allows me to get more and more cozy and enmeshed within my self limitations.)

The idea of wanting someone to "lean on" or "go through this with" is an interesting one, because within it I reject the individuals who are naturally already here: My mom, my grandparents, my other family members. We are all going to deal and cope differently. What is it exactly that I perceive as being the thing that another person could give me that I think I need? Why can't I get that from myself, if not my family members? Sympathy, support, understanding, maybe a hug here and there. By insisting on getting this from someone else, I am insisting that I am not enough. I mean this is where the belief comes from. I am not enough, because I have not entrusted myself to be enough for myself.

So the solution again is to be enough for myself, again to come back to myself, again to support myself first and to not move until or unless I am the one moving myself, as self directive principle of myself, which I will not do unless or until I am stable within myself.

It is interesting how I resist adding things to the mixture of my daily life within the belief that this will somehow limit my expansion or development and put a "wrench in my plans" where here I notice that I am planning and so am trying to control and so am in my mind and so am not in the physical, whereas the physical is always changing and fluctuating and to support myself is to create myself as stable within that fluctuation, able to adapt and adjust and move myself deliberately to support my environment and reality to exist in such a way that is best for all, rather than moving against it and sabotaging what is already here and already breaking so that it breaks more because I am refusing to take responsibility for myself and insisting that others do this for me.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change and new developments within reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get hung up on all of my internal fears and beliefs to such an extent that I tend to finally feel "caught up" with reality just when reality shifts again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to assist and support myself into a version of stability that only takes into consideration and account my present experience of reality, within this therefore not assisting or supporting myself to remain stable when and as reality shifts and changes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to throw like a little tantrum at being asked to show up and assist and support my grandparents in a selfless way. I realize that actually in doing this I will be assisting and supporting myself to grow and expand and mature and within this I will be able to see realize and understand new things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resort to self-victimization when and as I feel overwhelmed with my life circumstances in such a way where it's like I count all the various things I have to "deal" with and feel upset about it rather than stopping, breathing, and dealing with what is in front of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resist the very things that could and will likely assist and support me to grow and expand because I have feared change and I have believed that there is some kind of end-point to my "recovery" where at some point I will no longer have to adapt and adjust or "work" but instead will simply "be" and be able to remain in a state of stability.

Maybe. Maybe I can. But not until I do the work and continue to adjust and adapt and learn how to just be with what is, in a state of stability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a point of self-victimization where within it I want to have someone to basically complain to and give me sympathy and act like they understand and maybe let me cry on their shoulder, like as if this makes anything "better" when really nothing is "wrong," simply I am not accepting or allowing myself to support myself absolutely, instead am drifting off into caveats within my mind wherein I think about how "bad" things are or otherwise am allowing myself to get caught up in my internal emotional energetic movements rather than standing stable as self directive principle of myself and dealing with what is here in physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lonely every time that something new and "bad" happens because I realize that I basically have no one to complain to about it and so then I feel lonely and even less capable of dealing and I believe that this is some form of self-care to wish I had outside support, but if I step back and look at it, where am I heading within that energy? Nowhere. Down. Stuck.

I commit myself to committing to taking care of my family whatever way I can that makes sense, and I realize this way makes a lot of sense.

I commit myself to not run away from the things that I fear just because I fear them. I commit myself to stop and look at the fear and see myself as the source of the fear as my beliefs and judgments. I commit myself to walk through the fear to the other side and see that there is more room there to grow.

I commit myself to realize that things change and that reality shifts and changes and that to support myself is to support myself to be stable within all environments even those that change.

I realize that there is no stopping point and no end point to this process, that as far as I can see I will always be adjusting and adapting and growing and expanding and facing points within myself to birth myself to life. Maybe someday I will be stable without so much effort. But not today.

I realize the skills I am learning now about self awareness and self regulation and self support are skills which will expand but could one day be mastered. Not today though, and not by magic, only by practice as practical application.

So today I commit myself to continuing to be here within and as myself and seeing what is around and within me and seeing how I can assist and support myself to remain stable no matter what.