Stability in Effective Communication - Day 176

My current theory that I am working with is the importance of being stable in order to be effective in communication, and also of basically "meeting someone where they're at" in order to assist and support them through and out of their reaction / experience and understanding that their experience is the extent of their perspective / their sense of "reality".

Here is a really cool post by Emmi about effective communication / sharing perspectives / support: http://thespianjourney.blogspot.com/2013/10/days-334-335-giving-feedback-to-friend.html

This comes up a lot for me at work, as I have written about some in recent posts. It also comes up sometimes with the students, who sometimes might lie or stretch the truth about their experience either at home, in their childhood, or in the classroom as to why they have been sent out for some kind of discipline / intervention.

What I am learning here, and got some confirmation in terms of my approach from one of the therapists, is that it really doesn't matter if they're lying or stretching the truth. What a person communicates as their experience is apparently what they want to work with. So if a kid for example is lying about their behavior in the classroom and says that the teacher sent them out for "no reason" (example: the student was whistling while other students were also talking, and the teacher sent that student out without any warnings), we can still approach the situation thus from understanding the shared perspective of the student and implement solutions based on their perspective (even if, when asking the teacher, we find out the student cussed at the teacher when asked to stop whistling and may have also been play-fighting with a peer) (example: explain to student that during class time no one really should be talking or whistling or singing; just because other students were doing this does not make it okay, and although it is unfortunate that this student was chosen to be sent outside, other students engaging in similar behavior does not make it okay -- you are responsible for yourself).

I had another student the other day that I talked to for about an hour who told me she had been to a juvenile detention center and had friends and family there, and so she did not care if she went back, and therefore she did not care about the consequences for if she were to follow through on her desire to break a specific staff member's nose.

I found out later that according to those with access to her record, as far as they know, she has never been to juvie.

But, the next time I talk to her, if she mentions it, I'm not going to tell her that I know she's never been and call her out on her lie. What does it matter? The motivation, most likely, behind her lying and saying she doesn't care about the consequences is probably as a way to seek out power and control over a situation by purporting that she can do whatever she wants and she doesn't care about the consequences, and also put up a wall to keep others out from even trying to help her calm down or deal with her anger in a productive way. A lot of these kids have very little when they go home, and very little support in their families, so what they do have is their words and their actions and through that, in this culture, they believe they gain the most power by acting tough, getting into fights, or making threats, also basically bragging about how much trouble they've gotten into.

So it doesn't really matter whether or not she's ever been to juvie. It's irrelevant. What's relevant is that I want her to stay in school and I want her to make choices that will support her now and in her future, and I want to encourage her to want the same things for herself (actually, what's really relevant shouldn't start with so many statements about what I want, but you get the picture). I want her to learn new skills for dealing with anger, not just justify her desire for violence with her apathy about incarceration and give up on her because she purports to not care about consequences. I can share with her my own experiences with anger, which I did, and which was cool because in sharing that I am once again given the opportunity to learn more about myself, and I can help her find ways to empower herself rather than giving herself over to her anger / memories of living in fear which "required" violence to survive.

Then this concept is also relevant even when someone is not lying or stretching the truth. A person's experience is their experience. It's where they're at. I recently had a very difficult time with this because I was having some very extreme energetic experiences (I still do sometimes), and the person who was trying to interact with me did not understand this and did not, basically, respect where I'm at, which is not the same as where they're at. Because of this, our interaction and communication was ineffective. For me, I completely lacked tact, because I was completely and utterly consumed by my anger and reactive energy, so that my anger was louder than my words and, I presume, made it difficult for the other person to hear me honestly. For the other person, I believe that the ineffectiveness came from not being able to understand me or empathize or even sympathize with my experience of myself, nor was this person apparently able to even accept or understand / trust the words I explicitly expressed. That is my perspective of what happened, anyway -- my experience that I have to work with.

I could have slowed down and taken the time to express myself effectively by letting go of the reactive energy and just communicating my experience without the anger. And I actually feel that I did that a number of times, but, then, I was still in at least some energy, so perhaps I was not as effective as I thought. What I felt I came up against however was a person who refused to understand me no matter how many times I explained myself (which, because of the energy I was creating, was very exhausting), whether due to incompetence or negligence or simply not being in a position to properly understand me (so, their experience / where they're at / what they understand -- seems likely*). I did try many times however, perhaps not always effectively (I mean, obviously: there was no productive effect) and what I found was that I was abandoning myself in my reaction to the process of trying to be understood by someone who might never understand, and who really doesn't need to understand, at least not as much as I need to take responsibility for myself and my reactions (which is to say, I should have taken responsibility for my reactions by directing and releasing them before trying to communicate / make myself understood because this is clearly best for all -- best for me in terms of taking care of and responsibility for myself and best for the other in terms of me being ready and stable to communicate effectively / not just barrage them with my anger).

*(And what I just noticed here is again this kind of "double-standard" almost where my experience was considered and treated as invalid because it was emotion-based, but their experience was considered valid because it was a "subtle" thing they "had not yet realized"... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated by this and also enter a state of like "superiority" in noticing this because it makes me feel as if I am "right." I realize "right" and "wrong" does not matter -- only realizing and then changing self in self-responsibility to live as what is best for all. I do however consider this as a way of giving myself the gift of validation for my own experience and the decision that I made to support myself in my experience, whereby I can trust myself instead of doubting myself, where here I am aware of my experience and so must direct it as I see best in self honest self support as what is best for all, rather than accepting and allowing myself to use this realization as justification for my anger / perpetuating my experience even after seeing it or expecting another person to take responsibility for my experience / trying to take responsibility for another's experience.)

This is a long-standing pattern for me in a way, of really disliking the idea of being misunderstood and so getting stuck on that point and trying to make myself understood even to people who don't want to understand me. In this case I felt that I needed to be understood in part so that I could communicate a boundary and hopefully have it respected (fear-driven). But I just couldn't keep on engaging in the conversations / arguments, because they were so ineffective in terms of having the other person understand me and in terms of self-support, and within them I was really not understanding myself and understanding that I really needed me to show up for myself and take care of myself because I was creating so much energy that I was not directing and that I was allowing to consume me and make me sick.

So I wish that this other person was better at this skill of understanding another person's experience as being the extent of their perspective / what they have to "work with" (and it must be worked with, not just set aside as "not real"). But this is a skill I am still learning, so I support myself now to investigate it and live it. My experience may be created through and as my mind but that doesn't make it NOT my present experience / understanding of reality, if I have not yet figured out how to release myself from that experience -- it is the prison in which I am living and I haven't yet realized I am holding the key or how to unlock myself. So for another person to claim that they want to support me from a place of stability as what is best for all, and then to not even respect what I am communicating about myself and my experience... well this is very confusing, and makes me think that this person's experience / understanding is also influencing their perspective in such a way that we will not come to a common understanding as long as we are both clinging to our respective experiences -- as such I took responsibility to take the experience that was mine and work with it for and by myself. And I realized that my energy was just too extreme for me to contain and direct while continually engaging in these kinds of interactions where I felt misunderstood alongside a great many other conflict-related and memory-related points I was facing in these interactions, also coinciding with difficult points in other areas of my life. So, I was not able to further refine my communication so as to make it (more) effective, and I could no longer produce the patience needed to be understood, because through focusing on this from the starting-point of wanting to be understood by someone else, I was not really taking care of or taking responsibility for myself.

Did I really fully understand the other? I don't know. I was not really in a position to. The idea was that I was the one who was "hurt." I guess that is a victim character of believing that I have no or less responsibility in a solution interaction if I am the one who is hurt; that it is more up to the "perpetrator" to listen to me and do what I need in order for me to begin to heal. I mean it really doesn't seem "fair," does it, this whole phenomenon of the oppressed having to carry the burdens placed on them by their oppressors, and then also having then to educate those oppressors about those burdens, only to have more burdens placed on them as the oppressors doubt, question, or otherwise do not embrace or respect the oppressed's experience as "true" inasmuch as it is the experience they are having, let alone the experience placed upon them via the oppressor's actions (or inactions). And that phenomenon is precisely one of the many ways that these interactions were just allowing me to re-enact my relationship with my dad.

But, that's the way it tends to go, as long as we accept and allow ourselves to be internally influenced and directed by the reactions we have to external factors. I could be a legitimate "victim" of some real heinous travesties and yet maintain stability if this was a skill I had mastered, but I have not yet mastered self direction, self trust, and stability, and so I gave myself over to the victim character in this and many other situations.

And so I learn now to not stay in "harmful situations" for too long, and I learn to only ultimately trust myself (so not to distrust others, but also not to miss-trust (trust by mistake) others), and I learn to clear myself of my reactions when and as I hear another person say something that doesn't seem self honest / trustworthy, or when my reaction is not trustworthy / whenever I see myself becoming unstable and shifting away from my own self-honest perspective -- a skill I hadn't yet acquired for many of these old interactions that I still carry around to inform and justify my anger (so now to forgive myself as these memories as they surface in anger). And I also learn to not engage in communication unless or until I can be effective, which means having a stable starting point.

I also learn the futility of coming up with and trying to point out what the other person should have done differently. I can only take responsibility for myself. Pointing this out only serves to justify anger and project blame / responsibility onto another, as if their actions determine mine.

One thing that I do realize I need to work on and expand within myself is the point of direct communication, which is something this person seemed to be kind of pointing out to me (from their perspective, did they communicate it to me as effectively as I thought I was communicating to them? hmmm haha). When you're paranoid and anxious and in a self-belief of inferiority, it can be difficult to direct oneself to communicate directly. You just kind of hope someone sees your pain or understands your need or can read your mind... you don't believe or trust that you're right, so why would you directly say what you're thinking, especially when living in fear that whatever you share/express of yourself will be rejected or even insulted? Or when what you think is directly contradicted by three other things you also think? That has been my internal experience when I am paranoid, anxious, and trusting others more than myself, anyway. But direct communication is obviously a huge part of effective communication and so obviously this is imperative to consider, and so I am glad that it came up in the communication we did have.

I also definitely should have seen and realized that I was in no position to be trying to communicate while I was so much in reaction. But I was pretty lost, and despite the advice given to me to wait until I was stable, I had to learn for myself. I also didn't really see myself coming out of reaction unless I got some "answers" or some communication / mutual understanding. What I found however was not mutual understanding, and so in my state of reaction, I just reacted more. I was not stable. So therein lies my responsibility, which is total, because without my insistence and sense of urgency in communicating even while in reaction, none of this would have come to pass, and my reactions would not have compiled and accumulated to an unmanageable degree.

But if you are going to try to support someone, you should be stable, no? I mean that is the first question we are trained to ask ourselves when facing a crisis with a student: "How am I feeling right now?" I mean if you are seeing that another person is highly reactive and you are thinking that you might be a good candidate to show up and assist and support them through and out of that reaction, then you should be stable, and not in reaction yourself. And I think if you're stable, and if you understand effective communication, then you'll understand that it is most effective to meet a person "where they're at." I mean you wouldn't help someone out of a maze by simply standing outside of it and telling them what the exterior looks like, would you?

So go into the maze with them. Keep the rope of your breath and self-honesty tied to you as you enter, but meet them where they are and lead them out. This is the approach I take with my students, this is the approach I am learning to take with my coworkers, and it is now too the approach I am learning to take not only in friendships / all external interactions of support, but indeed even the approach that I am learning to take with myself, to ground and stabilize myself in the physical as I delve into the depths of my mind to assist and support myself out of my mind and into and as life.

Unconditional Responsibility - Day 175

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become extremely frustrated and angry when and as I see that another person does not seem to understand the impact of their behavior on me. I realize that the impact is mine and my own creation through and as my reactions and my instability. I realize I cannot make another person take responsibility for themselves, and I realize that I am the only person who can take responsibility for myself, and as such I cannot make another person take responsibility for me or my experience. - Day 174

This is why I set the boundary -- to take responsibility for myself within the realization that time and again I was projecting my own responsibility for my internal experiences of anger onto another person through the re-triggering within our interactions. I realized that I was not letting go of wanting this person to understand and wanting this person to take ownership in a specific way. I realized that my reactions were accumulating to the point of complete and utter instability within myself and so I had to give myself the time and space to deal with those reactions and to take responsibility for myself by not accepting or allowing myself even the opportunity to blame another person for my reactions just by their presence in person or communication.

I've not done this yet. But what I see is that despite minimal interaction, I still easily become very angry. So as much as I would like to pin this on the other person and everything that transpired between us (so, in that, me, too, culpable) in the past year, I realize that it is only me and my own energy I am creating within myself based on memories and that, when and as the anger arises, I do not direct it, but instead go into justification for it. (Thanks, Sally.)

There is a single point which remains in terms of me wanting control over this situation in a way that is not necessarily fair. Although I see it as something that would be "nice" and "considerate" and maybe even "effective" for this person to do, I cannot control this person, and ultimately they can do whatever they want. I cannot pin my reaction in this point on them just because they are not doing what I would prefer they do. I cannot continue to justify this anger, because this is literally making me sick (in and as my mind).

As much as I would like to be so fucking pissed off and feel justified in that, I realize it is not how I would like to be treated, and so I will not treat myself that way. I realize too that I would not like for another person to be fucking pissed off at me just because I do not understand something. As much as I would like to believe that this person is maliciously trying to hurt me and send me into reaction by refusing to respect this one simple boundary, I do not know that this is the case, and they claim that they are not "trying" to be disrespectful. I realize that no matter what happens, malicious or not, my reaction is mine and it is something I do unto myself more than any other. So I realize that I am giving myself a great sickness by accepting and allowing the reaction and anger and that as much as I might believe that my reaction somehow impacts the other person, I see, realize, and understand, that this is just an attempt on my part for power or control because: I feel as if their behavior impacts me (and so believe that my behavior can impact them), which it does not in-fact, it is instead my reaction that I accept and allow which creates this experience / "impact." So here I am only sabotaging myself and holding myself hostage in misery and dis-ease in an attempt to sabotage another and "make" another person feel the way that I do, or to feel the way that I think they have "made" me feel.

I mean it's difficult to let go of this if I think it actually works.

But it does not.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to destabilize even after setting my boundary such that I really lost sight of even why I set the boundary and what my expectation / commitment to myself was in setting that boundary.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to enter into anger within a projection of blame for that experience being the responsibility of another as either creator or trigger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue on in anger and to accept and allow anger when and as it comes up and to accept and allow the thoughts and back chat that accompany anger which only serve the function of justifying the anger and fueling the anger, the sickness, the disease.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to poison myself within the belief that this will somehow harm the other person or teach them a lesson or something nonsensical like that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice myself, my integrity, my responsibility, my safety, my sanity, my stability, to serve as a slave to the false presumption that my internal experience somehow garners power or control for me, rather than over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself over to anger time and again and for accepting and allowing myself to grasp at nothing to try and resolve my anger rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that my anger is my own creation and that I am the one who is accepting and allowing it within and as me, so no other intervention will work except the one where I take responsibility for myself as self directive principle of myself, my experience, and my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to donate and devote my experience of myself to this anger as my god and idol and savior and protector as if anger is somehow on my side.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to side with anger by which I have separated myself from life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lose sight of my responsibility to take responsibility for myself as the only person who can do this and as the only thing that I can do. I realize however that it is all a part of the process, of my process, and that now I can move forward from here in self-responsibility, also now with increased self-trust so that:

When and as I fall again into anger and blame and judgment and resentment, I stop, and I breathe. I realize I can only take responsibility for myself -- no other can do this for me and I can do this for no other. It is the extent of my ability and it is an ongoing process, so I better get back to it, because sooner or later I will either be at it again, or I will be again diminishing myself as and separating myself from life. I realize I cannot survive in survival mode of my reactions. I realize freedom comes through responsibility for myself. So I commit myself to, when and as I see myself entering again into anger, stop, breathe, and take responsibility for myself in that moment of anger, as well as in that moment of the memory or interaction which triggered the anger, myself as my own hand holding the gun.

I commit myself to the process of unconditional self-responsibility as this is inevitable as the alternative to death and re-realizing this as many times as I need to until it is me in stability and actual-ized and real-ized in reality as my lived expression.

Unconditional Forgiveness of Self and Other and the Process to Actualize this in Reality - Day 170

I recently acquired a book (Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping) that a friend recommended to me when I asked her how I could bring myself to the place of unconditional love and forgiveness that she had created for herself.

I read the first section of the book and found it to be insightful and also in line with many things I have learned through walking process with desteni, although much of the terminology and reasoning differs.

The first section is actually available to read here: Jill's Story

Now, if you've read the story you've probably noticed a lot of talk about souls and I don't know a whole lot about souls although I've heard that according to the desteni perspective, they don't exist (anymore). I'm choosing to overlook this and some other details and simply take from this book and this story that which suits me in healing myself and in forgiving myself and others unconditionally.

I set aside the book after reading (and scribbling all over) this first section and allowed it to "sink in." I then became overtaken by migraine for two days (I'd had them daily for a few weeks, but these two days were "off the charts" in terms of pain) and so even if I had wanted to I was not really functioning enough to be able to revisit the book or the process I have now set myself to walk in relation to this point.

But I see that I have a few resources accessible to me, this book, the new eqafe interviews about resentment (Part 132, Part 133, Part 134, and Part 135) which would likely be excellent resources, and also the suggestion to have a look at something Jack wrote about parents and what I understand to be maybe a kind of Freudian theory in regards to romantic relationships and parent relationships... I've yet to search the depths of the desteni website to locate that document, though.

I also see that since I have released myself out from under the "dark cloud" of energy it would be very easy for me to skip along my merry way and never look back, until suddenly I would again be faced with this point. Part of why I resisted or doubted the decision I made as a boundary for myself to release myself from this chaotic internal energy was that I feared I was simply running away and evading facing myself. Well, yes, that would be one way to move forward. But the "plan" so to speak was to release myself from the energy via this boundary, and then deal with the energy for as and by myself, on "my side" of the boundary, as is necessary to be done to really actually in fact release myself from myself.

And I have been resisting this, or edging on resistance, but that is okay, it takes some time to get "back on my feet" so to speak and then I was hit with the consequential migraine, within which I constantly questioned my decision like as if this migraine was indicative that I was in fact running away or wasn't doing what was self honest or best for all.

But the fact of the matter is that I get migraines and I have had migraines daily now for a few weeks / months, indeed during the time that I was allowing myself to create and then live under that "dark cloud" of energetic storminess. So having released the trigger for that most oppressive energy through the setting of a boundary, and also having collapsed my posture into the pain, and also having continued then in the calendar of what each day brings and the anxiety that I have created in relation to certain events, it seems to make sense to me that I would go "off the charts" in pain on Saturday, and then be even worse off yesterday after having seen a chiropractor which really is rather traumatic for the spine especially after it having been over a year since my last visit. Today, I am up and moving, albeit slowly and carefully, and I am looking now too at what I must do with this energy that is still with me, lest I suppress it and allow it to come up again at a later time.

And another reason that I had not wanted to read further in this book is because I first wanted to process that which I had already read.

So onward now to the section of the book that did in fact support me in realizing that I cannot run away without facing further consequences and so must continue to face myself and release myself from myself rather than trick myself that just because the stimulus is now gone, the energy is too. It is not. It is still here as me as who I am and as how I will automatically react if and when another stimulus comes along. So, to direct it and take control as the creator of myself now through an as-of-yet determined process, but I have the tools, and I know where to get more support.

Early on in the story one character asks the other, "Jill, can you ever remember feeling this same way when you were a little girl?" And immediately I saw myself in this as I had already previously come to recognize that the conflict I was engaging in was simply me re-enacting scenarios and reliving my relationship with my dad. This came up in CoDA as well when a woman pointed out that she just felt like she would break if one more unexpected thing happened, and she reflected back on how she feared she would break when she was waiting her turn for her father to beat her.

So I have to continue to look at how this situation mirrors for me what I have already lived but not healed through my relationship with my dad.

Then there comes the idea that, "Life will always prove your beliefs right," and "If he hadn't [stopped mistreating you], you would have felt perfectly happy to leave him and find someone else who would treat you as though you were enough. We always create our reality according to our beliefs." And so here this plays into the realization that I was unhappy in this relationship / friendship, and I knew I was unhappy, but I did not feel "perfectly happy to leave" because this relationship / friendship confirmed for me my beliefs about myself and thus set reality in alignment with my beliefs.

However, "Looked at from a spiritual standpoint, our discomfort in any given situation provides a signal that we are out of alignment with spiritual law and are being given an opportunity to heal something. It may be some original pain or perhaps a toxic belief that stops us from becoming our true selves. We don't often see it from this perspective, however. Rather, we judge the situation and blame others for what is happening, which prevents us from seeing the message or understanding the lesson. This prevents us from healing. If we don't heal whatever needs to be healed, we must create more discomfort until we are literally forced to ask, 'What is going on here?' Sometimes the message has to become very loud, or the pain extremely intense, before we pay attention."

And so here we are indicated toward the time-loop effect that comes into play when we ignore our reactions and energies and allow them to overtake us to where they will then direct us in our living when and as these various scenarios arise. However, to face, direct, and clear the energy is to heal the wound so as to take self directive principle of oneself and one's life, thus "learning the lesson" that is within the friction or discomfort.

And in this way, "having yet another opportunity to look at and heal this issue is a gift!"

Later, on page 26, "Any time a situation in our life triggers the memory of this pain or the idea attached to it, we emotionally regress. Thus we feel and behave like the little kid who first experienced the pain." An experience to which I can very much relate as I knew full well that I was behaving in a way that was immature and childish and failed to take into consideration what I have learned throughout the years since the first incident and especially what I have learned in process. Hence also my experience of seeing myself as "young" and therefore "inferior" at work.

The story does not really show the work of forgiveness as applied in the physical. Instead it suggests that this is a personal internal process, "There is really very little for you to do... From this point on, it's more a question of how you feel inside yourself. Do you understand that you are no longer a victim? Do you understand that Jeff is no longer a persecutor? Do you see that the situation was exactly what you needed and wanted [created]?" So here I am now to watch myself as my internal movements and direct my energy and heal myself.

So here I see how this whole ordeal is really just basically a way to see who I am as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and to heal that, and that if I don't heal it now I will have to face it again.


Okay, so:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to create rules and regulations for myself on how I "should" heal myself based on what I believe other people want me to do or what I believe other people think I should do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and doubt myself as my chosen way of healing this point within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a relationship / friendship that I did not enjoy simply because it confirmed a belief within me that I was not worth anything better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in argumentative communication that sapped my energy and created more angry energy for me because for me this was a way to relive and re-enact my relationship with my dad in trying to find a new solution. I realize there is no solution within this, the only solution is with healing the original pain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to involve another person in this game that I played with myself and another of reliving and re-enacting my relationship with my dad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another person for the things that my dad did or said or was because I saw so many similarities and my energies were so much the same that it became difficult to differentiate, so that all of the past unhealed energy from my relationship with my dad also became a part of this new situation / relationship / friendship and so that person became the target for my anger and blame and hurt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go through life thinking that I can just sweep my pain under the rug and that it does not have to influence my living, as long as I keep it tucked away and hidden.

I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to be abusive and irresponsible with myself and others by not facing myself and taking responsibility for myself and who I am within and as my thoughts, back chats, judgments, beliefs, and energetic reactions to conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my reaction to conflict as "just the way it is" and not something I can control when in reality it is something I must face and heal so that I am able to stand clear and stable in communication with another even when we disagree.

I realize that my aversion to "conflict" is limiting me in many ways in my life because within it I also have an aversion to open honest communication because I fear that this will birth conflict.

I realize that what I fear is what I manifest and by expecting or fearing conflict I will end up communicating in a way that births conflict.

I realize that conflict can and does exist within and as me even without it existing within and as another or within and as our communications.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take full responsibility for myself and who I am within and as conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see similarities between another person and my father and to not really think anything of this, not realizing that this is meaningful in an energetic way and that the accumulation of these similarities and my noticing these similarities, not directed, meant the demise of the friendship within my mind and my inability to handle the energy that came up while still participating in the friendship, and so I had to create a boundary just to be able to breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a dynamic within myself still of "winning" or "losing" like in an argument or conflict where I want to withhold my friendship as a way of maintaining within my mind that I have "won" or I am "winning" because withholding my attention from another person is one of the only tools I have ever developed to try and gain power in a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stuck in polarities of inferiority / superiority and winning / losing such that I have never accepted or allowed myself to truly exist equal to and one with another individual or all as life.

I commit myself to equality and oneness and discovering how to live this as me.

I commit myself to focusing on myself in healing these wounds and to continuing on in this process using the new tools I have for self support and taking responsibility for myself in self honesty, and abandoning the old tools of blame, judgment, hatred, anger, manipulation, withdrawal, and hiding.

I commit myself to identifying the specific points within this broader point of the grudge, the wall, the father-figure, the desire, the disdain, and whatever beliefs I have created and existed within and as about myself, about others, about men, about relationships, and about life, and walking through and clearing those points as a gift to myself to assist and support myself to living equal to and one with all as life as what is best for all.


I'll be revisiting this topic periodically as I move through my resources and discover points to share.

Work & Negative Energy and Social Anxiety - Day 132

This post brings up a variety of points, so bear with me if it seems disjointed.


I moved through today with a sense of having let go, a sense of moving forward. However, I know that I've not yet lived out the points I've been writing these past couple months. There is still a point coming where I will have to see for myself if I have really let go and if I am really moving forward (I will have to choose to really let go and choose to really move forward). So here I reflect on this sense of "accomplishment" and "freedom" and realize that I could easily suppress further reaction / energy through these positive feelings / pretending that I am "over it," thus self-sabotage, and here I commit myself to have awareness of myself as who I am in my relationship to myself as these points.

"Now, because you did not do self correction immediately when it happened - even with doing self correction now, it's going to happen again - until you correct yourself in real time when it happen. Only real-time Correction, when you Move while you have the discomfort and you correct it until the discomfort is no longer there - is the actual, Real, point of Change." Bernard Poolman

However, I also look at what it feels like to move through life without holding onto energy.

I remember this has always been the case with me and crushes. I would develop a crush. Then usually I would tell someone about it, which would make it "real" -- also reinforce it because that person would usually get excited and want to talk about it / entertain themselves with the idea of my crush. Then I would go through a whole series of bullshit surrounding the crush, basically resulting in my own torment because none of it was real, and I wanted it to be real, but it wasn't real and I couldn't simply just make it real. And then I would notice with great relief after a crush had finally "passed," I would realize, "wow, there's no one I 'like' right now, what a relief." Or the same would be true with a grudge. Hah, a grudge or a crush. Not really so different. Reminds me of yesterday when a student came to me and told me another student had said to her, "I want to fight you. Do you want to fight me?" So I find companionship through crushes and grudges. Interesting. Anyway, when I wasn't engaging in a crush or a grudge, I felt the most stable and capable and free. Crushes and grudges both are prisons.

That in between time, though, in between crushes or in between grudges, that was the time I would try to notice and look at and see how it felt and why it was actually better for me to live that way. I would try to learn from myself in those moments to see who I could be if I didn't allow the crushes or grudges. Of course I didn't really have the tools to REALLY see myself in ALL moments until Desteni, so now here I am again, ready to move forward and see myself in a more stable place, without a crush or a grudge.

Holding onto a personality
http://www.taramarynowsky.com

During the last week I struggled some with my relationship with work and myself at work. I think in part this had to do with what I've been walking with the point of the grudge, where when I let go of the anger I felt empty, and so I needed more reasons to exist in negative energy. So I created negative energy about work. However, I also think that the lack of the anger and projection of blame that I carried with me daily through the grudge left me without a throne to sit on as superior and thinking something like, "well, I've got this serious grudge going on, so I'm important, so I can stand up and take care of business, no problem." Something like that. Also a sense of superiority through work, where if I am successful and doing well at work, then I can feel like I am successful and therefore superior, and can continue to not look at myself as the creator of my own negative experiences. So then, without the grudge, I was no longer successful at work for the sake of feeling superior -- superiority didn't matter anymore because I wasn't trying to win anything. And I've not yet learned completely how to live for myself. Being successful at work simply for myself is maybe one or two steps away still. I am grasping it more here just in seeing myself now. Doing anything at all for myself, living for myself: this is still a big lesson to learn, much more of my process ahead of me will likely involve this. 

But one thing that triggered my downfall was the admittance within the email reply wherein I felt relief, at the end I said I was really enjoying my job. 

And so a part of me here is superstitious and believes that somehow by stating this I magically manifested the opposite. I also see how the day before I was excited about a few different things for that day, and so when my mood didn't carry over into the next day, and the things I was excited about weren't actually all that exciting, I of course had a worse experience than I anticipated, like a bigger drop from what would have been if I'd been neutral (or perhaps if I'd been neutral / stable, I'd have actually enjoyed the day for the same reasons I was excited). Lastly, though, I see how I have a habit of not wanting to admit to a person I am mad at or blame for my misfortune that I am actually "happy" and doing well. I have done this a lot with my mom, where I have wanted to blame her for my "mental health" or lack thereof, and so around her I have always gone into a depressed character or otherwise a very unhappy expression of myself. I have not wanted to show her that I am actually happy because then I feel like that lets her off the hook. I have to remain unhappy in order for her to see the consequences of her actions, ie to show her it is her fault that I am so unhappy. 

So this is obviously holding myself hostage in order to punish another person, thus punishing myself. And it doesn't even work anyway, it's not like the other person ever feels "punished." And in fact many might say that you can best "punish" someone by showing them how "happy" you are / "kill them with kindness" in a way to show that their evilness does not affect you. But the thing is, none of these other people are even really to blame. If they REALLY were to blame, maybe I would take the alternate route, try to compensate by being "happy" or focusing on my own achievements / abilities to support myself. Instead, I know I am the only one to blame, and I do not want to see that. So instead I project blame, and I torture myself with some twisted belief that this will make the other person feel bad for how I have perceived them as treating me. 

So in that context, the moment I wrote out that I was actually really enjoying my job, and it seems like a great fit, there was this twinge of cringing and firstly expecting this now to somehow magically superstitiously not be true, and secondly also this feeling of, like... well great, now I don't have anything to show them for how unhappy I am and how useless I am because of how they treated me. I found myself wanting to take it back. 

And then of course I found myself actually having negative experiences at work, for all of the above reasons, which I'll now summarize here:

1. Let go of grudge, needed replacement negative energy
2. Lack of sense of self-importance through holding grudge and believing I am better / superior for also having this job
• So it's "okay" to be "happy" and enjoy my job, as long as I keep it to myself / don't let the other person in on that secret
• A grudge IS self-importance. So letting go of the grudge in a way also let go of my sense of self-importance, thus no longer seeing myself as important, thus no longer seeing what I do as important / not valuing myself/what I do. Like "if I can't 'win' this grudge/battle, I must not matter" / "why would I care about me if this other person doesn't care about me the way I want them to?"
3. Not living for myself / working successfully for myself 
• Instead doing this for another or to prove something to another or to justify my energetic experiences. 
4. Admitting that I enjoy my job
• Superstitious in belief that saying this too many times will make it not true
• Wanting to hide my success from the person(s) I am mad at / blame for my experience 
• But if I really indeed blamed the other person, I would probably be more apt to want to achieve success and show them that they had no effect on me, so maybe even lie that I am happy and doing great and neener neener neener they don't matter. 
• But since I know that it's not really their fault, and since I know that they actually want to see me as successful, I choose instead the opposite, so as to "punish" them, not giving them what they want (my success), thus also punishing myself by denying myself my own success
• This is a point I wrote about more extensively in private a few weeks ago, perhaps I will edit to be able to share. 
5. Having created excitement in anticipation of events on a particular day, where when I faced those points they were not as enjoyable as I expected, in large part due to drop in my mood
   
   I would add:
6. Continued lack of understanding about some aspects of the population I am working with, so that in the place of my lack of understanding I subconsciously place myself as "knowing already" because I believe I have to operate from "somewhere" rather than allowing myself to operate from a place of not knowing yet, and then finding out, learning, and coming to understand. 
• Because the population is "new" or "foreign" to me in terms of "the kinds of kids" and what their interests are, I find myself "at a loss" for understanding the reasons behind their behaviors and personalities and interests and the culture to which they subscribe. And so I assume simple answers, not realizing that there are systemic reasons having to do with family structure / environment, poverty / socio-economic status, neighborhood, etc. etc. that all contribute to the experiences these kids have and the experiences which have helped create them. 
• In many ways it is not so simple as my old job, in the sense that at least at my old job the majority of people who played any role in the lives of the students, either at school or at home (group home, foster care, or original family), were at least on the "same page" of "supporting" the student to succeed, even if we had variant approaches / beliefs about what this meant. However, here, myself and the other new staff are pretty much the only individuals in the lives of these students who are seeking to support them to be successful. This isn't a "problem" per se, in the sense that it does not have to be problematic for me in the enjoyment of my job, it is just something I haven't understood, and once I understand it I will be better suited to actually support the students, because I will understand them and their experiences better. 
• Example: I've not really understood why it is so bad to be a snitch. When I was young, I always went to adults for help with my problems. With most of these kids, snitching is one of the absolute worst things you can do. 
7. And I see myself even after the last two days having been improvements in my relationship to work and myself at work, nonetheless beginning to revisit memories of my old job in Denver and how much I miss it and even comparing within "better/worse" contrasting. 

But today was a very eventful day in which I learned a lot and also saw more and more the support coming from my coworkers to implement the changes we are here to implement, so I have a more eager sense about me in regards to work again. I also got paid which helps, haha. I differentiate here between being "eager" versus being "excited" in the sense that eagerness is like an excitement to see what happens whereas excitement is excitement about what I expect to have happen. And I would definitely at this point say I am "eager" because I see that there is much more to learn, and I do not really know what to expect, but I am glad and excited to be along for the ride and see what I can learn, how I can grow, what and how I can understand, and how I can help to the best of my abilities. 

Another point that is cropping up for me now is that of social paranoia / anxiety. It seems that staff at work have semi-regular hang outs, and this is cool, but I have not really faced the anxiety that arises when I think about actually attending one of these events (I've not been invited yet; I don't think anybody's gotten together yet). I also was asked tonight by an acquaintance after yoga what I was doing with the rest of my night, and I said I didn't really know, and I left it open, but still I felt anxiety about her asking if I wanted to hang out, and what that would mean, and did I want to, and what would I do instead, and if I didn't how would I decline, etc. etc. Not so frantic as all those questions make it sound, which is cool, but I can see that the point of meeting / hanging out with new people in a social setting hasn't come up for me in a while and so I have to be aware of myself in these reactions / fears / anxieties. Lastly I've been contacted by another destonian and we are trying to schedule a possible meet up this weekend and this brings up anxiety in me as well, so another point to face and write about.

One of the points here is a belief of myself as a failure in friendships/relationships, which, even though now I am working on walking through the point of a grudge, thus not allowing myself to fail in a friendship, I actually believe moreso that I am a failure, perhaps because it would be "better" if I did not get to the point of a grudge in the first place / I am now facing the shame of who I am in friendships / relationships. And related to above, when I have a grudge, I have a belief then that anything I do proves I am "superior" and so I can move more confidently in other friendship / relationship endeavors because I believe success in these areas simply proves that I am not to blame for the failure in another friendship. Admitting I am "at fault" / taking responsibility means that it is me who created this experience (here I see that admitting "fault" and "taking responsibility" are actually two different things -- so to focus on "taking responsibility," which indicates changing myself and being my own self directive principle outside of (self-) blame and (self-) judgment.) Also a belief that friendships / relationships are "too difficult" so I avoid them. Also a belief that I have nothing to offer, and why would anyone be interested in getting to know me? And so on and so forth. 

So there are many points in this one post, some more ripe for expansion and self forgiveness than others. I will return to this post tomorrow or soon, and probably will have to revisit over time. I might be going to Tahoe so I might have limited internet access this weekend. 

Filling the Void in Myself with My Breath - Day 131

I've been continuing to struggle a lot with anger and negative emotions, accompanied by self-pity and projection of blame. Most important to curtail here is the projection of blame. It's not like I've just been sitting with myself with my own emotions and supporting myself through those emotions. No, I've been experiencing the emotions and then immediately finding absolutely any excuse or reason I can to blame someone or something else for my emotions, including coming back to the grudge, or allowing thoughts of hopelessness about my job, which, up til this week, I was really enjoying.

But I can't allow it. I won't.

Today... I didn't focus on my breath. Not a lot, anyway. But this morning on my way to work, I did take a deep breath. And in that breath I remembered my breath. I mean I remembered my breath as me, and as a tool to support me. I was able to assist myself out of a lot of the negative energy and anger and blame through and as my breath. It didn't last all day, this increased awareness of myself as my breath. But today was a lot better than yesterday and the day before. And now I can reflect on a big part of why: My breath. And I can reflect on how I can support myself tomorrow: My breath. Always my breath.

In my last post I had mentioned how I had found some relief / respite, and a way to break down the wall in a way. And I had mentioned how soon after that relief, I felt emptiness, and then fear, and then the fear led to the creation of more anger and negative energy. I didn't know what to do with the empty space. I [thought I] needed something to hold onto.

So now I hold onto my breath, myself as my breath.

And I mean, I really am my breath, right? So to fill the void, fill the emptiness, fill myself up with my breath, is filling myself up with myself. Is embodying myself. Is being here with and as myself, in the physical. I mean we "know" this, but I rarely live it. That is what I am here to teach myself to do (like actually DO, not just "know" -- this is applied learning!), and what I learn from everyone else involved in this group all the time.

So, my breath. My breath, myself as my breath, filling myself up with my breath, thus filling myself up with myself... That is how I show up for myself. That is how I do not abandon myself in, to, and as negative energy, thoughts, judgments, etc. Because that is precisely what I have been doing -- abandoning myself and all as LIFE, by existing within and as my mind consciousness systems of anger and negative energetic experiences.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself and all as life, as one and equal as life, as what is here in the physical, by engaging in and entertaining mind energy, especially in this case anger, resentment, projection of blame, and other negative energetic experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create negative energetic experiences for myself, experiences which I do not enjoy, and yet I do not relent, and I have not assisted or supported myself to release myself of the grasp of these energetic experiences.

I forgive myself therefore for not accepting or allowing myself to truly assist and support myself out of the negative energies, instead holding on tightly to them, as they hold on tightly to me, not realizing that within this I am abandoning myself and giving myself over to the false constructions of my mind as energy.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to fully utilize my breath as the one and only truly necessary step to being here in the physical within and as myself as life, supporting myself to align myself within principles of equality and oneness and what is best for all through existing here as my breath in the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not embody myself as my breath in the physical so that without holding onto mind energy experiences, I feel empty, because I have not realized myself as here in my human physical body, always here, breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am empty and I have nothing if I do not have my anger and resentment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and nurture an affinity toward energetic experiences, especially negative ones, so as to "fill myself up" and give myself "meaning" and "definition."

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to define myself as my breath, as life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize, and understand, until now, that whatever emptiness I believe I feel within myself, only I can fill, and it can only truly be filled by me, as my breath, in the here and now, in the physical, as life.

When and as I see myself feeling empty, as nothing, or hollow, I stop, and I breathe. I take a deep slow breath, in and out, and again. I fill myself with my breath. I realize that emptiness and nothingness is who I am as life, as a physical being, and so in this moment I continue to breathe, and I breathe until I am stable in nothingness. I continue this process until I am stable in nothingness, until I have released myself of all the energy I have created and hoarded and held onto.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always search for blame in someone or something else for why I feel the way I do, ie who I am accepting and allowing myself to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an even greater buffer between myself and my Self by first engaging in emotional energy, and then by creating the separation of projected blame. I commit myself to stop the blame.

When and as I see myself projecting blame or coming up with reasons or excuses or blaming another for who I am and how I feel, I stop and I breathe. I breathe deeply and slowly. I realize that I am creating my experience of myself and I am creating myself in every moment. I commit myself to creating myself as my breath in self honesty, self responsibility, and self support, as one, as equal, as life, as what is best for all.

Getting Unstuck & Taking Responsibility - Day 125

Today I had the opportunity to talk to three of my 7th grade students about why they were refusing to do their science lab work.

One student was very receptive to the conversation, as she consistently shows herself to be. She engages and nods and seems genuinely interested in learning how to regulate her emotions and take responsibility for herself so that she can be successful academically and in life.

One student was generally uninterested in engaging in conversation and kept her head in her hands most of the time. She was most interested in talking to a particular staff member who was not on campus at the time.

The third student went back and forth in her participation, and most of the time that she did participate she was very stuck in her way of thinking.

What came out of the conversation was that all three young ladies disliked another young lady in their class because this young lady apparently talks bad about them (something I did not know, because they never told me or another staff; but now I can support them all with this, so that is good). However, I always hear them talking bad about her, at which point obviously they are participating in the conflict, and also it is 3 against 1.

This was a really interesting conversation for me to be a part of especially in regards to the third young lady. I could really relate to her stubbornness. Basically the teacher had asked her to work in a group with this other student that she does not like. She refused to do so. Then the teacher asked her to work in the back of the classroom by herself. Again, she refused. And her answer to most of my questions was simply, "but I don't like her," although we were at least able to decipher that part of the reasoning behind this was that she is perceived as being different (the terms used by this young lady were more energetically charged and less objective, but I pointed out that basically what it comes down to is she is different).

So I was expressing to all three young ladies, and this young lady in particular, that:

1. Within the structure of the sentence "I don't like her," "I" is the subject, meaning the speaker, you, are choosing to dislike someone, you are actually the person in that sentence who has responsibility for its meaning, you are the person who is making that true, choosing not to like another person. 
2. Refusing to work with someone that you do not like has the consequence in this case of keeping you behind in your education and at this school because by refusing to work with someone you do not like, you are refusing to work, and refusing to work means you will not get a grade to pass your class, which is a primary component of the review process for being re-integrated into the regular school system. 
• So basically here this young lady is punishing herself in an attempt to punish the other young lady. She is holding herself hostage to her own emotions and opinions and judgments. (Boy does that sound familiar.)  
3. Just because someone talks badly about you, or does anything else to offend you, does not mean that you have to react in turn. Your reaction is your responsibility. Nobody is making you feel a certain way, and definitely nobody is making you act a certain way. Nobody is making you talk back. These are all your choices. 
• Here of course I made sure to mention that this is not easy! This is something adults deal with too. I shared that in fact I am dealing with something similar. But it doesn't make it any less true or any less a valuable lesson to learn as soon as possible. 

So I will have to continue to monitor the interactions in this group of students to see how else I can support them to make positive pro-social choices that support themselves and others. 

And I will have to continue to see myself in them, so that I can see myself in all the ways I have been refusing to see myself. I have been holding myself hostage to my own reactions. I mean I feel very very stuck, and very angry at myself, and very judgmental of myself, and stuck in reaction and projection of blame and judgment. And I am just sitting here thinking I don't know what else to do or how to get out of it. Well, that's fine. Maybe I don't know quite what to do, maybe it is new uncharted territory for me to actually work through a grudge. But that doesn't mean that no solution exists. In fact I have a pretty good idea of the solution, and I have all the tools, I just haven't figured out quite how to navigate this point. So I have to keep at it. I can't just give up and drift wherever I might without my own self direction, or, worse, direct myself as my reactions. 

---

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my reactions and extrapolate meaning and value judgments about another person based on the way I have reacted to them. Here I see that my reaction is mine and only speaks about me, not about the other person who has triggered the reaction. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to really see, realize, understand, and then integrate / apply this as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to denigrate another person within my mind because I am participating in negative reactive emotions and thoughts about them, where here it is as my reactions that I am denigrating them, and also because of my reactions that I continue to denigrate, because I blame them for my continued reaction, ie my continued suffering. "It is their fault I feel this way; if it weren't for them I would not feel this way."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push another person down because I am in reactive energy in reaction to them, and so I believe I can make myself feel better by thinking, believing, and judging bad things about them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use various tactics to try and make myself feel better via a stance of superiority or trying to compensate for my inherent sense of inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look down on another person from my pedestal of perfect knowledge and judgment, as if I am in a position to look down on another person and as if I am in a position to know better than another person. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this separation between myself and another person, and also this separation within myself, as I am one with and equal to all as life, and so to reject any life is to reject myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject myself through judgments, blame, and denigration of another human being who is a reflection and part of myself, with whom I am a one and equal member of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see a person who is different from me and to judge them negatively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect another person to do things the way I would do them, and then judge them negatively if they don't, judging them negatively for being different from me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself hostage within my reactive state, holding onto all of my reactive energies of negativity and judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to blame another person for the way that I am allowing myself to feel, finding ways to blame another person as who they are that is making me react this way, like thinking "but, this happened!" or, "but, they said that!" as if this makes it okay and valid for me to react as I am reacting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get stuck within reaction, so that I have felt really stuck and lost and like I don't know where to go or turn or what else to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid a real conversation with myself, to be non-compliant, like the students who refuse to talk or who talk in circles, within the process of walking this point, to have the answers really within me, but to refuse to see those answers because I have refused to see myself, because I have refused to see who I really am within this reaction and to see how I am creating this reaction fully, and because I have refused to take responsibility for that which I have seen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and discover certain things about my reactivity but to not actually take responsibility by changing myself within those points. I realize that simply seeing does nothing if I continue to allow it; taking responsibility means actually changing.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to basically like drag my feet over to hear my lecture and listen and yeah yeah yeah okay whatever and just basically be looking away and trying to get out of the conversation, or being present for the conversation physically but not actually actively involved in the conversation with myself, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to basically endure the time that it takes to walk this point without actually putting in the work, so that then this is like a chore and like something I am tired of doing, because here I have wasted a lot of time trying to do it without actually doing it, because I have not actually wanted to do it, because I have not wanted to have the necessary conversations with myself to see who I am, because I have not wanted to see myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify who I am as my reaction and as my behavior and thoughts within my reaction by thinking about what the other person has said or done "first," by projecting blame onto the other person that I think in someway validates or justifies who I am within this reaction. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that it is only natural or all I can do to react when what has happened has happened, when another has said or done these things, that now the only option I have is to react this way. 

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see realize and understand how my reactions are an accumulation of what I have accepted and allowed for months and so yes, they will be difficult to walk through, yes, they will be difficult to see, but also yes, they are mine in their totality as what I accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like it shouldn't be my responsibility or it isn't fair for it to be my responsibility to take responsibility for things that I accepted and allowed before I even really understood what it meant to accept and allow. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get stuck here so that now, now that I do understand what it means to accept and allow, now that I do understand my responsibility, I am still continuing to abdicate responsibility, I am continuing to accept and allow reaction and thoughts and judgments, rather than taking my new understanding and using it to support myself to stop here, stop it now, let it continue no further and from here on to take absolute unconditional responsibility for myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed at taking responsibility for myself because I continue to feel directionless and like this is all very new to me and I don't know how to jump over this wall or break it down, I don't know how to stop grudges. I realize this is a process and this pattern of grudge holding is one I have lived for probably at least 15 years, and so it will probably take me at least 2 years to really figure it out and walk through this point to completion and absolute stability. Here I begin, here I no longer accept or allow the virus to grow or fester as me. Here I am new, and again new in the next breath, until it is done and it is no longer a part of me. 

I commit myself to continue to investigate these points, to not give up, to not just drift, to not allow myself to remain in reaction and move myself by and as my reaction. I commit myself to integrating and applying as myself what I now understand and what I come to understand, rather than remaining stuck in the past when I did not yet understand, stuck in memories, stuck in blame, stuck. I commit myself to figure it out because I am the only one who can figure it out. I commit myself to not accept or allow the question marks or the unknowns or the uncertainties about how to walk this point serve as road blocks are walls that prevent me from walking this point. I commit myself to figuring it out to support myself as one as equal as all as life as what is best for all. 

Related posts: 

• Conflict Character - Day 73
• Holding Grudges and Retribution - Day 96
• Having Things "My Way" - Day 97
• Betrayal - Day 104
• The Grudge - Day 105
• Hindsight? Why Not See NOW? - Day 106
• SF in Response to Forum Post Pt. 1 - Day 112
• Forgiveness Defined - Day 113
• Emotions, Responsibility, and Actual Forgiveness - Day 114
• I am Not a True Friend - Day 118
• Learning to Let Go - Day 121
• The Sailor and the Storm Within - Day 122

The Sailor and the Storm Within - Day 122

Story time:

There once was a sailor who was planning to go out to sea. He was going to live out on his boat out at sea. He prepared his boat pretty well, got whatever supplies he needed, you know, whatever. I don't actually know enough about sailing to make this a very detailed story.

Okay, so he's out at sea. He's sailing. He's doing his thing. He's thinking, "This is great! I can sail the world!"

Then, a storm rolls in. And the winds bellow and the waves crash and the sailor's sails rip and tear.

"It's a disaster," he thinks. "That stupid storm! How dare nature take its course! How dare this thing happen that I cannot control!"

And as he continues on shouting at the wind and waves and cursing the storm and coming up with all these reasons that this storm is seriously a stupid jerk, a leak springs in his boat. And he continues on shaking his fists at the environment, at nature, at the natural world, at that which he cannot control, and his boat begins to sink.

I mean, this would never happen, right?

You don't go out to sea on a sail boat and plan to live there if you are unprepared. Sailors are aware that storms happen. Sailors are aware of the precautionary measures they can take to ensure that their boat is stable when they go out to sea. The waves will still crash and the winds will still bellow, but the sailor will not blame the storm if something goes wrong -- he will blame himself and his lack of preparedness, he will blame the structure of his ship, he will see that he missed a point in his preparation or reparation, he will see where he neglected that which he could control. He will take responsibility for himself because his life depends on it, because cursing the sea, cursing reality, does nothing.

So I am like sinking. I am cursing at the storm. I am cursing at nature and reality, I am cursing at all that I cannot control, all the while continuing to neglect in ignorance my own responsibility for myself to stand in stability, to support myself to stand in stability, to support myself to move with the wind, to rock with the waves. Things are happening all around me, and I am ignoring the very thing about which I can actually do something -- myself.

And so then let's say this sailor somehow gets rescued or otherwise survives. Would he then go on for the rest of his life living in the past of this experience when his boat was tarnished by the wind and the waves? Would that be who he was, would that be his existence? Focusing in on that gust, or that splash, and how nature really screwed him over?

Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't. But what would be the point of that, if he did? He would be holding onto the past, and not learning anything from it. He would be continuing on in anger and resentment. He would remain engaged in the battle, even though the battle is over -- because the battle was always in his mind, and he is still with, within, and as his mind, because he has not stopped it.

And I mean, what good would this do him anyway? What is he expecting? Someone to pat him on the back and make it all go away? The storm to apologize for existing? A time machine? (And if he had a time machine -- what would he do with it? Would he go back and prepare himself better, or would he avoid the storm altogether? Is there something he realizes he could have done differently? If I want a time machine, as I so often do, what do I expect I would do with it? Why can't I take responsibility now?) The only way in which he is suffering anymore is of his own making. I mean, really? What does he expect to come of all of this resentment and blame and holding onto this grudge?


What would be the appropriate course of action for our sailor friend? He would first prepare his self and his boat accordingly, preparing for any circumstances which might arise, ensuring that he is ready to face himself in reality whatever happens. He would then set to sea, and he would be aware of the status of his boat, of how the sails are holding up, or other things that one must keep track of on a boat. He would also concern himself with the weather, checking to see what might be coming so that, in awareness, he can prepare more. He would not expect "smooth sailing," and he would not allow himself to hope for it to such an extent that if rough waters come his way, he is not prepared to face them. And as the storm rises, he would move through it as one must on a boat in a storm, adjusting, adapting, and doing whatever he needs to do to maintain the integrity of his boat. Maintaining integrity. It is something which must be constantly monitored and maintained, isn't it? And when the winds died down and the waves stopped crashing, he would find he was successful, he did not fall. He might find some points where he could re-examine his preparedness and do better next time, but, because he took all the necessary precautions, because he was prepared, because he was truly stable, he was able to remain stable even after the storm. And so he might then come back to land, and he might share the story with his peers, but he wouldn't be doing so to whine and complain and hold onto the past. He would be saying: Look, here is what preparedness did for me. Here is this point I walked, and I came out stronger and more stable on the other side. He would share his experience to assist and support his fellow sailors. And he would move on. He would sail again, or go do something else, you know, whatever he wants, because he has not chained himself to this devastating experience wherein he did not support himself absolutely, wherein he chose to blame anyone but himself for the consequences he faced.


I think this story is applicable certainly to environmental changes to which I react. People are part of my environment, though, so I am trying to decide if this story is applicable to the ways that people behave, which I also cannot control. What I can control is myself. However: where is the storm, really? Within myself. If I truly prepare, if I truly am stable, there should be no storm to begin with.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to curse the reality of what has happened, to blame everything that is beyond my control for who I am, not taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to stand in stability and to always maintain my stability through adjustment and adaptation to reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on the external factors that I cannot control, to project my anger outward as blame and as holding a grudge, when really I should be looking at myself in every moment to see who I am and to stand stable within and as myself in self honesty and self responsibility and self support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the events that have transpired, and also to hold onto my interpretation and judgments about those events, holding onto my reactions, holding onto memories, holding onto reasons and justifications for blame, holding onto excuses for why it is not my fault that I have reacted the way I have, holding onto the stories I have told myself about what has happened, and constantly pointing my finger at others or another, never looking at myself, refusing to look at myself and take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in by holding onto the past, holding onto interactions and reactions, rather than stopping, breathing in this moment, and moving forward and onward in each subsequent moment, learning from the past to assist and support myself in gaining stability now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stunt my growth and progress within my process through holding onto the past and holding onto memories of interactions and holding onto blame.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be new in each breath.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make my existence about my reactions and my memories and blame. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself as my existence as my focus on the past and my focus on things I cannot control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame reality for happening and existing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another for being themselves, for departing from the image I created in my mind, or not being what I hoped they would be, or not being what I expected them to be, regardless of where I got that expectation, because saying that they misled me is not acceptable -- I allowed myself to be misled.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to learn anything but to simply continue to react. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to live here and now in this moment but instead always referencing back to what I thought, what I believed, what I wanted, what I hoped for, what I expected, what I judged, what I did, what I said, what I didn't say, what was said to me, and what was done unto me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reflect on memories and point the finger that another should have done something different -- should I not have done something different? I put myself in this position. I failed to support myself into and as stability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain engaged in battle within through and as my mind, as myself, as who I am, because I am accepting and allowing myself to be stuck there, I am not accepting or allowing myself to stop my mind as this conflict and friction of memories and judgment and blame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as this conflict in my mind as this judgment and blame and anger and even hatred, expecting something to come of this, expecting that this is somehow productive or best for all, not even questioning what alternatives would be better, not even questioning my participation, but simply resigning myself to this energy as who I am, not realizing it is who I have made myself to be, and I can make myself to be someone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to expect someone or something else to swoop in and somehow heal or solve the problems I am creating within and as my mind as myself, expecting and hoping for someone else to somehow make it better, or some new change / shift in the environment to somehow make it better, abdicating responsibility for myself to support myself, not seeing myself in self honesty, refusing to really see myself as my responsibility here in this storm I have created.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify another's actions as a "storm" like the kind of storm that a sailor might meet which he cannot control. I cannot control another's actions either, but it is not a storm, I do not have to be affected or impacted by it at all.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see realize and understand that the only storm is within and as myself as my reaction, my ongoing reaction and blame and judgment and anger, and the ongoing friction I experience as I project my energies outward rather than stopping to see myself in self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent another because of my own internal stormy experience which I have created as a reaction to what I interpreted and perceive and accepted and allowed within a relationship / friendship with another person, who is not responsible at all whatsoever for who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to make myself responsible for another person by "supporting" them, or believing I am supporting them, by over extending myself, or believing I am over extending myself, to be their friend and supportive of them, when I have only ever done this because I wanted them to do it for me, and because I wanted them to approve of me, and so I did not ever make myself responsible for myself, I did not ever support myself, I did not ever extend myself toward myself, I was never a friend to myself, and I did not ever approve of accept myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set myself up for disaster by not properly supporting and stabilizing myself, so that now, because I believe I have done things for another, I blame the other for not doing the same in turn for me, rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am who neglected to do those things for me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify what another person could "do for me" as being that that person must behave a certain way and be a certain way and thus not be themselves, but instead the image I created for them or the person I had wanted them to be.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be the person I want to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want another to apologize for existing, for being themselves, for not being who I wanted them to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care who another is more than I care who I am, so that it does not throw me off when I see all that there is to see about myself, but instead I allow myself to be thrown off and angry and projecting blame when I see anything about another person that goes against what I want or expect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the energy of wishing I had a time machine, wishing I could just go back in time, when really what I mean is that I wish I could just make it all go away, just make it to have never happened -- but something has to happen instead, so I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to consider what I actually might do if I had a time machine. If I had a time machine, I would still only be able to control myself in that time travel. I would still only be able to direct myself -- not another -- and so, if I really did have a time machine, what would I do? What would I do differently? I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to actually consider the implications of if I did in fact have a time machine, and how this really indicates that there are things I could have done differently. I commit myself to acting and directing myself now in such a way that I will not wish for a time machine tomorrow. I commit myself to taking responsibility today, because yesterday is gone, it only remains here as my energetic reactions and memories.


When and as I see myself getting caught up in and blaming "the storm," I stop and I breathe. I realize there would be no storm if I did not allow myself to participate within and as my mind. I realize that no matter what occurs outside of me, I create the storm. So I see that the "weather" is within my mind, but that my boat is my body and how I support myself through and as my physical existence. So I commit myself to continuing to build self support, self honesty, self responsibility, and self stability. I commit myself then to clarity within my mind. I commit myself to stopping and breathing when and as I see a storm brewing. I commit myself to the realization that I am the storm. I commit myself to directing myself within the I of the storm, realizing and understanding myself as creator and destroyer. I commit myself to complete absolute unconditional responsibility and ownership of myself and who I am. I commit myself to equality and oneness within and as myself, by which I will achieve equality and oneness with and as all life, as what is best for all.

Forgiveness Defined - Day 113

Perhaps some of us, certainly myself, have encountered a kind of automation within writing self forgiveness. It is a specific formula applied to assist oneself, but as such it can become somewhat monotonous. I have used it sometimes as a way of delving into myself and discovering what is really there -- I find that as I start, and then continue, I go deeper, I get to the real point: it is a practice of self discovery and understanding. I learn things by the end of writing that I did not really see or understand at the start. And this is awesome, period. And useful, even if not altogether the point in terms of what "forgiveness" really means. But sometimes writing self-forgiveness becomes merely statements of who I am preceded by "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to...," and at that point there is no actual forgiveness involved, and who I am remains the same -- I've not actually forgiven myself; I've merely stated who I have seen myself to be.

I mean, to actually forgive myself, means not only to take ownership for that behavior as a thought or action as created by me: seeing, realizing, and understanding that I directed myself within that behavior -- it is me, and therefore I am the person to be forgiven -- but to also really literally forgive myself for that, within the realization / understanding that there are more opportunities still to be something or someone else, that I am not that, immutably, unchangeably. To make amends with myself, in a way -- to say, "I'm sorry, me, that I put me through this, that I made this who I was in this or these moments, that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in this way." So to stop holding it against myself, to stop defining myself by it, and to understand it is not who I have to be, it is not who I immutably am. Then, to make (create myself as) the self commitment / corrective statements, is to actually stop the behavior and change.

Well, let's break it down and see:

for·give
/fərˈgiv/
Verb
1. Stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
2. Stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for (an offense, flaw, or mistake).

for·give·ness
/fərˈgivnis/
Noun
The action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.

So to forgive actually means to STOP the anger and resentment, basically thus stop the blame and judgment. That is what it means to forgive. So if I write, "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to..." and then continue to judge myself for that behavior and maintain anger and resentment toward myself, or other energetic reactions, I have not really forgiven myself. I have simply abused a writing technique that is meant to support me, instead making it automatic and false.

And, also important to note, is that forgiveness is a process! And we already know that a process takes time and steps -- so it takes time and steps to forgive oneself / another and it takes time and steps to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a process.

Therefore:

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to uphold for myself the actual meaning and value of the words I have written within self forgiveness in actually stopping my self judgments, anger, resentment, and other reactions to and as myself as who I have seen myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to always take seriously what I am writing through self forgiveness as this process of forgiving myself and of writing / speaking these words in complete self honesty and self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have not always accepted or allowed myself to really mean what I have said but instead have simply used these statements as a way of getting out what is inside of me, but not actually forgiving myself for it, not actually stopping the judgment and self hatred I have inflicted upon myself as a reaction to myself.

I mean it is really cool to start a string of self forgiveness and see things about myself by the end that I did not see at the beginning. I am okay with using self forgiveness for that end. What I am not okay with is using self forgiveness as a way of conveying or expressing myself, as a way of writing out the person I have seen myself to be as the person I intend to remain, because I am still in that moment, in that behavior, in that thought, in that judgment. It is not okay to say, "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to" and then insert some factoid about myself that I am not actually really ready to forgive. That is an abuse of the tool.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write out self forgiveness automatically and also to write it out as like a way of saying who I am in that moment, rather than saying who I was, who I intend to not still be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sometimes just write out strings of self forgiveness that are simply statements about myself preceded by "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to" but with no actual intention of forgiving myself of that behavior / thought / belief / pattern.


I forgive myself also for not accepting or allowing myself to fully see, realize, understand, and embrace the fact that the forgiveness of myself is a process, it is this process I walk, and so it is okay if I am repeating self forgiveness from time to time, and it is actually very expected that I will have to face points more than once because I have certainly already participated in them much more than once. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that just as this entire process is "a process" within all that that word indicates, so is each individual forgiveness of myself a process, each individual change or shift within myself is a process unto itself, an occurrence which takes practice, time, and space.


So when and as I see myself writing self forgiveness statements merely as a way to describe myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that sometimes this is an easy way to see myself through writing and that if this is the easiest way I can see myself in that moment, it is self supportive. However I also realize that sometimes I write out self forgiveness within an energy of self judgment, wherein even as I am forgiving myself, I am still mad at and resenting myself. And in this way the self forgiveness is not real, it is merely an automated writing pattern which allows me simply to see myself -- but it is not self forgiveness at this point, or, if it is, it is only the very earliest stages of the process that is forgiving myself. So I commit myself to being aware of myself within my writing of self forgiveness, to understand myself as my starting point in each statement and to see how I am supporting myself in each statement, who I am in each statement. Am I actually forgiving myself? Am I investigating myself through a method of digging deeper? Or am I merely describing myself within the formulaic framework of self forgiveness statements? None of these are "wrong," but I commit myself nonetheless to an awareness of in which of these three I am engaging so that I can understand who I really am at that point and where still I must walk to walk through the points about which I am writing. I commit myself thus to maintaining responsibility for myself as who I am even within forgiving myself, here, seeing, realizing, and understanding that forgiveness does not absolve me of my responsibility, and my responsibility must stand even in the writing and process of forgiveness.

Integrity is key. It is the same as self honesty I suppose.

What's interesting to note here is that actually the words "forgive" and "forgiveness" within their specific dictionary definitions are very appropriate for our approach, not surprisingly, but the specific definitions for their synonyms tend toward implying an absolution of responsibility or justification for behavior. So it's interesting how quickly the word "forgive" or "forgiveness" can actually become a way of condoning that behavior within the apparent accepted language of the English dictionary. This also seems like it could create a challenge for some including myself in terms of being able to "forgive" self or others, wherein I might link the word forgiveness to a denial of responsibility and thus resist forgiveness, perhaps because I have divested of myself in a self-interest in retribution. However, it seems clear to me that within the specific definition of forgive and forgiveness, apart from synonyms, responsibility is indicated, but simply punishment, resentment, and anger are not. So concern with retribution / consequence is not a part of forgiveness.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist really actually forgiving myself, and others, because I have so divested of myself into my self interest in retribution, punishment, and consequence. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself therefore to hold myself and others hostage to my own bitter resentment and anger because I have created for myself a definition of forgiveness which is intertwined with absolution of responsibility. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to divest of myself in my self interest in retribution and consequences for others, wherein I have wanted to see others suffer because I myself have created suffering for myself in my reactions to others' actions, and so rather than forgive myself for another for my reaction and their action, I choose instead to withhold my forgiveness, holding onto instead my resentment and anger, and insisting within my mind upon a resolution which involves retribution and consequence, visible unto me. I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to play judge in terms of wanting to approve of the level of retribution or consequence which comes down upon another for my perception of their failure to take responsibility for themselves. I forgive myself also for accepting and allowing myself to basically sacrifice myself as my own self honesty and self responsibility and thus ability to exist in any form of contentment as one and equal as all as life as what is best for all, instead sacrificing myself, punishing myself because I am so determined to punish another, to see another face consequences. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain nasty and hateful and resentful within and as myself because I am so attached to seeing another suffer if I am suffering, because I am so attached to placing blame upon another for my suffering, and because I am so attached to any point of suffering that I refuse to let it go, to forgive it, to take responsibility for myself within it, and to move on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become stuck and stagnant within negativity and resentment and anger, giving myself over to the creation of grudges and denying myself my own responsibility for myself, my own ability to support myself, denying and disowning and rejecting myself, doing exactly to myself what I have reacted within a belief as another having done unto me, all because I care more about seeing another punished than I care about myself in terms of unconditional self support. So I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to simply drop it and move the fuck on, within the realization that it does not matter, it is all within my mind, it is not real, it is not here, it is not what is best for all. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself as my process as being here within and as myself in self responsibility and self support, aligning within and as myself as what is best for all, because I would rather exist in anger and resentment toward another for the reactions I myself have created and for the memories I myself have held onto and for all that I myself have accepted and allowed within and as myself, thus not seeing, realizing, or understanding that part of self responsibility is understanding what is my responsibility, and what is the responsibility of another, and realizing that I have no ability to respond for another, I have no ability to take responsibility for another, I am only able to take responsibility for myself, and any attempts to do anything other than this is a waste, indeed negligence and abuse.

So I commit myself therefore to continuing to walk this process from here on out for as and by myself alone, all one, one whole, one with and equal to all as life as what is best for all, seeing, realizing, understanding, and then integrating what each of these phrases really applicably practically means, and living this out as myself as who I am, breath by breath, moment by moment, point by point, day by day, for myself and no other, always coming back to myself, coming back home to me, turning each and every point back to myself, always realizing that I am the start of this process, I am this process, I am the director of myself, and so who I am is always me and because of me, caused by me.


Related posts:
Self Honesty Before Self Forgiveness
What is Process? - Day 33
Writing Automaton - Day 53
Phrasing of Self Forgiveness - Day 101



Now, one thing to note as I went through my timeline and gathered posts relevant to this one: Sometimes self-forgiveness is repeated in terms of the topic or point. This doesn't necessarily mean it wasn't "genuine" the first go-round. This simply means it happened again -- I directed myself again from and as a starting point that was not self honest. This is process. I have become automated within my reactions / the aspects of myself that I am forgiving, the same automations which allow me to write self-forgiveness automatically. The Self that is really here, underneath it all, is not automated, is not a robot, but is actual life. This takes daily work, presence and awareness within and as my breath in every moment, to direct myself in self honesty, to deprogram and direct apart from the automated systemic reactions of the robot I have accepted and allowed myself to be.