I've been continuing to struggle a lot with anger and negative emotions, accompanied by self-pity and projection of blame. Most important to curtail here is the projection of blame. It's not like I've just been sitting with myself with my own emotions and supporting myself through those emotions. No, I've been experiencing the emotions and then immediately finding absolutely any excuse or reason I can to blame someone or something else for my emotions, including coming back to the grudge, or allowing thoughts of hopelessness about my job, which, up til this week, I was really enjoying.
But I can't allow it. I won't.
Today... I didn't focus on my breath. Not a lot, anyway. But this morning on my way to work, I did take a deep breath. And in that breath I remembered my breath. I mean I remembered my breath as me, and as a tool to support me. I was able to assist myself out of a lot of the negative energy and anger and blame through and as my breath. It didn't last all day, this increased awareness of myself as my breath. But today was a lot better than yesterday and the day before. And now I can reflect on a big part of why: My breath. And I can reflect on how I can support myself tomorrow: My breath. Always my breath.
In my last post I had mentioned how I had found some relief / respite, and a way to break down the wall in a way. And I had mentioned how soon after that relief, I felt emptiness, and then fear, and then the fear led to the creation of more anger and negative energy. I didn't know what to do with the empty space. I [thought I] needed something to hold onto.
So now I hold onto my breath, myself as my breath.
And I mean, I really am my breath, right? So to fill the void, fill the emptiness, fill myself up with my breath, is filling myself up with myself. Is embodying myself. Is being here with and as myself, in the physical. I mean we "know" this, but I rarely live it. That is what I am here to teach myself to do (like actually DO, not just "know" -- this is applied learning!), and what I learn from everyone else involved in this group all the time.
So, my breath. My breath, myself as my breath, filling myself up with my breath, thus filling myself up with myself... That is how I show up for myself. That is how I do not abandon myself in, to, and as negative energy, thoughts, judgments, etc. Because that is precisely what I have been doing -- abandoning myself and all as LIFE, by existing within and as my mind consciousness systems of anger and negative energetic experiences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself and all as life, as one and equal as life, as what is here in the physical, by engaging in and entertaining mind energy, especially in this case anger, resentment, projection of blame, and other negative energetic experiences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create negative energetic experiences for myself, experiences which I do not enjoy, and yet I do not relent, and I have not assisted or supported myself to release myself of the grasp of these energetic experiences.
I forgive myself therefore for not accepting or allowing myself to truly assist and support myself out of the negative energies, instead holding on tightly to them, as they hold on tightly to me, not realizing that within this I am abandoning myself and giving myself over to the false constructions of my mind as energy.
I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to fully utilize my breath as the one and only truly necessary step to being here in the physical within and as myself as life, supporting myself to align myself within principles of equality and oneness and what is best for all through existing here as my breath in the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not embody myself as my breath in the physical so that without holding onto mind energy experiences, I feel empty, because I have not realized myself as here in my human physical body, always here, breathing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am empty and I have nothing if I do not have my anger and resentment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and nurture an affinity toward energetic experiences, especially negative ones, so as to "fill myself up" and give myself "meaning" and "definition."
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to define myself as my breath, as life.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize, and understand, until now, that whatever emptiness I believe I feel within myself, only I can fill, and it can only truly be filled by me, as my breath, in the here and now, in the physical, as life.
When and as I see myself feeling empty, as nothing, or hollow, I stop, and I breathe. I take a deep slow breath, in and out, and again. I fill myself with my breath. I realize that emptiness and nothingness is who I am as life, as a physical being, and so in this moment I continue to breathe, and I breathe until I am stable in nothingness. I continue this process until I am stable in nothingness, until I have released myself of all the energy I have created and hoarded and held onto.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always search for blame in someone or something else for why I feel the way I do, ie who I am accepting and allowing myself to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an even greater buffer between myself and my Self by first engaging in emotional energy, and then by creating the separation of projected blame. I commit myself to stop the blame.
When and as I see myself projecting blame or coming up with reasons or excuses or blaming another for who I am and how I feel, I stop and I breathe. I breathe deeply and slowly. I realize that I am creating my experience of myself and I am creating myself in every moment. I commit myself to creating myself as my breath in self honesty, self responsibility, and self support, as one, as equal, as life, as what is best for all.
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