I also know that there are points which I do not wish to change, and that there are ways I am actively not supporting myself which I could easily write about but have not because I have not wanted to make commitments to myself to change. For example, eating very unhealthy foods in the absence of anything healthy or nutritious (which obviously is going to contribute to this problem of tiredness and lethargy).
- I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to face myself within certain points and write out certain points because I already know that I do not want to change them, because I want to continue to indulge in these self abusive behaviors and continue to avoid responsibility for myself. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize the benefit of supporting myself through self change, through taking responsibility for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to self sabotage because "I like it" or "it's fun" or even within an awareness of punishment where I know that this behavior will push me further into negative experiences that will cloud and stifle my ability to direct myself within self honesty and self responsibility.
- When and as I see myself avoiding walking a point out of a fear of having to change that point, or a resistance to changing that point right now/yet, I stop and I breathe. I realize that even if I do not change the point right away, I can support myself in seeing who I am within that behavior, how it does or does not benefit me, how it is or is not what is best for all, how it does or does not serve to support myself in self responsibility. Within facing and seeing and writing out the point I can see why I should change and thus support myself to actually change. So I commit myself to seeing myself always in self honesty and self responsibility, to writing out who I am in various behaviors/points, and to making practical commitments to myself that I can keep, building on commitments so that I do in fact change.
I came home every single day this week, except one where I had plans with family, and drank half a bottle of wine and a cookies n cream milkshake. I do this generally as the last item on my "to-do" list for the evening, within the realization that once I've had wine I won't be expecting myself to do anything else, because it has such a strong effect / I drink so much. I did this also back when I smoked every day. I would come home, do whatever I absolutely had to do, and then let it all go and (ab)use substance. With smoking there would sometimes be things I would do while high (chores, art, yoga, hang out with friends, etc., and, of course, watch TV), but for the past week with drinking, I pretty much just sit there and watch TV. I stopped smoking before I began my JTL blog so that was never an issue, but here now with drinking I would not expect myself to write a blog after drinking.
So, basically, this means that all day I am looking forward to that moment in time when I will allow myself to abuse substance, to drink, or, in the past, smoke. Work is work, it's fine, I'm there, I'm doing my job, it's cool (and actually I am really enjoying my new job a lot so far!). Then I come home and I start looking at the clock. How much time can I preserve to basically waste while under the influence of some substance? I better run this errand fast. My dog doesn't need a very long walk. My blog, ehhh, whatever, that's good enough. Maybe I can read other blogs later tonight, after doing my "relaxing." I'll transcribe later. I want to draw, but, eh, not tonight, I'd rather drink.
I'd rather drink.
Prior to this, these behaviors occurred, but not with as much consistency. There were periods during the last month+ that I abstained from both of these, although I typically find a way to fit sweets into my diet either through ice cream or baked goods. If I have a look at my neat app I have for keeping track of my behaviors / habits (Way of Life if you have an apple product -- this app is the only reason I have held onto my iphone since making the switch to android), I can see that I actually went 3 months without drinking any wine at all. Then, in July, just 1 instance. Now in August I have had a large glass of wine, or two, 10 out of 16 days, and eaten sweets 9 out of 16 days (I started tracking sweets in the middle of July so I don't have much data prior to August). I have also recorded binge behavior 6 out of 16 days, where I have allowed myself to basically eat mindlessly and well beyond the point of being full. I've not tracked my TV watching behavior, but I know that for the past week I've watched more than just the usual one episode of a show per day. This past week is really representative of problematic self abusive behavior. I have watched myself lose sight of myself through my consistent participation in these behaviors over the course of this past week.
Now, I'd not reported feeling "stressed," "depressed," or "anxious" on any of the days that I partook in drinking wine or eating sweets. And yet at the same time these have served as excuses within my mind in the moment of abdication where I have thought, "oh, I'm so stressed with this new job! I need to let loose," or, "there are so many sad things right now, I need to relax and have fun," or, "I'm anxious, I should distract myself from my anxiety" -- so that each of these served as an excuse in the moment but then later when I was reflecting on my day and recording my behaviors in this app, these experiences didn't stand out anymore (perhaps because by then I was drunk / buzzed?). And this was true when I lived in Colorado and smoked every day, too. Sure, it was a pretty stressful job at times, but for the most part I really enjoyed it, and yet I used it as an excuse to check out every night by drugging myself.
However, I see that as I have consistently participated in these behaviors recently, I have become more and more depressed and stressed and anxious because I have (1) judged myself, (2) abdicated responsibility for myself, (3) resisted accomplishing things that I want to accomplish / am obligated to accomplish, and (4) have lost touch with myself and reality through evasive behaviors of avoiding seeing myself or seeing reality for hours at a time. So here I am actively through my behaviors as what I accept and allow myself to physically do creating an experience of depression.
I am also engaging in "addiction," which to me at this point means simply that even when I am not partaking in these activities, I am thinking about these activities, and I am thinking about the next time I can engage in these activities, and I am throwing a little tantrum within my mind if I consider the possibility that perhaps I should abstain from these activities, perhaps I should change. These "activities" meaning drinking, eating / eating sweets, and watching TV -- and this used to also be very much the case with smoking.
And last night, vision slightly blurred, belly bloated, I glanced down at myself and thought, "I hate myself." That was it, it stopped there. But that was enough. Something is wrong here Kaitlee, and it's happening because you're allowing it to happen. It isn't "just the way it is" and it doesn't not matter. It isn't such a slippery slope that I have to now go down it. I am here in every moment, here to direct myself. So now, to stand, to see, and to make a choice.
So there is a plethora of "problems" here:
- Abusing substance as alcohol - escapism behavior and seeking positive feelings
- Also in general with substance abuse comes a belief pattern that I cannot engage in activities such as chores for example unless I am under the influence of a substance, because the substance will make that chore "more fun" or "more interesting" or "more bearable" -- so this stems from how I set up for myself a pattern of always smoking before engaging in certain non-preferred activities as a way to compel myself to complete the activity.
- Abusing substance as sweets (ice cream, baked goods) / food in general (binge behavior) - escapism behavior and seeking positive feelings
- This of course has consequences of increasing my self consciousness of my body and body image and the subsequent self judgments with that, so a behavior which brings up more points to face or avoid / self sabotage by over eating because I know my reaction to the physical consequences of this is negative and promotes further self abuse / is not a point I have walked to completion yet.
- Abusing time as zoning out with watching multiple episodes of a TV show in a row - escapism behavior and seeking positive feelings
- Continued use of routines as rules wherein I reinforce through my behavior that eating and watching TV must coincide, although in the past week I have eaten dinner during one episode and my ice cream during a second episode, then on a couple occasions still watching a third episode without eating anything.
- I used to do things with friends; now I don't, now "I don't have any friends."
- I am skeptical of most people, judgmental, etc., but also noticed that when coworkers indicated they wanted to get to know me more this week, aside from work related topics, I immediately threw up walls within the thought "you don't want to know me, I'm not interesting, shit what do I even have to share? why would anyone want to know me?"
- So, skeptical and judgmental of myself. Would not be surprising if this experience was compounded by recent substance abuse / escapism behaviors, where if I was not so busy hiding from myself recently, I wouldn't be so frantic about hiding from others.
- Even when I am not yet physically under the influence of any of these substances or activities, I am still under their influence within and as my mind, looking forward to my participation in these behaviors, and not allowing myself to be HERE in the NOW of whatever is in front of me, instead wishing to rush through it because I am focused on what I would rather be doing, what I plan to eventually be doing.
- So I plan to abuse substances. I fit it into my schedule, and it takes priority of importance, but because it is a last stop in the day, the other priorities become rushed and careless and less important aside from being able to check them off a list.
- So substance abuse is "pre-meditated," and what I run into sometimes in this instance, as well as, for example, with taking naps, is that I will plan on doing something like this, then when the time comes to actually do it, I check in with myself, see that I no longer wish to participate, and then do it anyway basically because I planned on it, so I might as well still do it, eh why not.
With most of these there is like an immediate "reward" of escapism and positive feelings, and a long-term "negative" consequence in terms of abdication of self honesty and self responsibility as well as other forms of self abuse. So I can see that I am primarily focused on the instant gratification at the expense of long-term self abuse.
So I will be going to the grocery store in the next day or two, and I will have the opportunity to walk past the wine, and I will have the opportunity to make a decision at that point (aside from the decisions I presently make constantly to not go out explicitly to purchase alcohol). So here I commit myself to abstain from even purchasing alcohol until I write out more on this point and also to give myself the opportunity to remain sober and present within and as myself within and as the physical, rather than escaping and seeking positive feelings through the abuse of alcohol.
When I first stopped smoking and, temporarily, stopped drinking about 7 months ago, I took it one breath at a time, one moment at a time. I made no commitments to myself to stop "cold turkey," but simply allowed myself to exist honestly in each moment, and then make a decision in each moment in honesty what I would do, and I found that in self honesty, my decision was not to turn to drugs. In self honesty, I was actually enjoying being aware and being here. Now I do not think that I need to take it moment by moment, so broken down. I think I can make a commitment to myself to not drink for a week, basically from the starting point of "seeing how that goes" so that I can show myself the consequences of the accumulation of my actions, where drinking every day for a week has led to one thing, so what does not drinking at all for a week lead to? My guess: clarity, and a sense of connection with myself in the physical. We'll see.
--- later ----
I wrote this post this morning and now that I have come to the middle of the day I have already faced the point again, "what am I doing later tonight?" I'd actually already had a pretty solid plan, but instead of that plan I by default thought, "I'll get some wine, and..."
The day hasn't been "bad" by any means but I can pinpoint a few reasons I might want to escape, and none of them are really valid or even a big deal at all. Small little things that I transform into excuses.
And I also see myself thinking, it's the weekend, it's okay, just don't drink during the week. And that may be fine if I am able to partake responsibly. But I have shown myself that right now I cannot. So here's to day 1.
I will continue writing on these topics in posts to come, mainly self forgiveness and self commitment statements.
When I first stopped smoking and, temporarily, stopped drinking about 7 months ago, I took it one breath at a time, one moment at a time. I made no commitments to myself to stop "cold turkey," but simply allowed myself to exist honestly in each moment, and then make a decision in each moment in honesty what I would do, and I found that in self honesty, my decision was not to turn to drugs. In self honesty, I was actually enjoying being aware and being here. Now I do not think that I need to take it moment by moment, so broken down. I think I can make a commitment to myself to not drink for a week, basically from the starting point of "seeing how that goes" so that I can show myself the consequences of the accumulation of my actions, where drinking every day for a week has led to one thing, so what does not drinking at all for a week lead to? My guess: clarity, and a sense of connection with myself in the physical. We'll see.
--- later ----
I wrote this post this morning and now that I have come to the middle of the day I have already faced the point again, "what am I doing later tonight?" I'd actually already had a pretty solid plan, but instead of that plan I by default thought, "I'll get some wine, and..."
The day hasn't been "bad" by any means but I can pinpoint a few reasons I might want to escape, and none of them are really valid or even a big deal at all. Small little things that I transform into excuses.
And I also see myself thinking, it's the weekend, it's okay, just don't drink during the week. And that may be fine if I am able to partake responsibly. But I have shown myself that right now I cannot. So here's to day 1.
I will continue writing on these topics in posts to come, mainly self forgiveness and self commitment statements.
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