If I'm Going to Let Go... - Day 161

I need to actually let go.

No more carrying the energy, thoughts, back chat, conversations, etc. around.

What will greatly assist and support me in this is to apply self-forgiveness in the moment of experience.

I realize that I am almost always in my mind, and not only that, but within my mind creating and experiencing and engaging with very negative energy, energy that I have already committed myself to let go of. But I just let it happen, like as if I have no control over it. I mean I'm not even of the mindset that I can control it. Like it just happens and I feel angry or miserable and then there I am, feeling angry and miserable, and that's just me. I haven't accepted or allowed myself yet to really stop, breathe, and then forgive myself for what I have just created in that moment of experience, what within that I have just done unto myself which I would not want another to do unto me -- indeed half of why I'm so mad is because I feel another DID do something to me! So why do I repeat such abuse and unkindness to myself within my mind?

I mean here I am with my space and I am filling it with energy. Here I am with myself and I am filling myself to the brim with negative energy. Here I am now on my path to heal and I am just continuing to self-abuse through my participation within and as this energy.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to accept and allow energetic reactions / creations, and participating actively in those reactions with the belief that it is just "happening" as if I am passive, because I see, realize, and understand that these energies would not happen without my active participation in creating and sustaining them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be active in my participation in energy and passive in my stopping of energy, not realizing that I have to actually stop myself, and breathe, both of which are actions which require effort and work and diligence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to truly utilize and practice self-forgiveness in the moment of experience.

I commit myself to really put that at the forefront of my process to assist and support myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry around energy with and as me even when there is no stimulus for that energy other than my own self within and as my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stalled in process because I am still in this energy and because I am still participating in back chat and thoughts and emotions rather than seeing that here I have myself and I have my breath and I have all that I need to find stability -- there is nothing else that must happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in like a fear or expectation that something more will happen that will also anger me or stimulate more reaction and so I am just basically readying myself and "preparing" myself for this reaction except I'm not really doing this in a self-honest and self-supportive way, which would be simply to find stability here and now and in my breath in the physical, but instead I am like preparing for battle, charging up all of my energy so that I am ready to explode at the first offense.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to just be here and now with and for and as me within and as my breath in the physical in self support always to create stability for and as myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to utilize my time and space appropriately because I am still too caught up in energies and I still feel like I am juggling a lot of different points and rather than facing these points or assisting and supporting myself to stop these patterns, I am just letting it all happen as if I expect them to, if they ever go away, do so by magic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself here and now in and as my breath in the physical by escaping and exiting through my mind to participate in energy, especially negative energy, and project this energy and anger outward toward others or another so that it is like I am a victim and it is up to these others or another to do or stop doing something in order for my energy to stop or heal, when in reality there is no real actual stimulus for all of this energy -- only me and my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still make my well-being about someone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still focus my attention on someone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still make my self-esteem defined through my mind relationship to someone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set aside myself and my interests and my enjoyment because I am too busy engaging in negative energies, especially energies about someone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on all of my energy and reaction as my guide for who I am, rather than stopping, breathing, and being my own self directive principle within the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to react in energy about the things that I thought were or would be but weren't and will not be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value another and another's opinions and what another does more than I value myself and my own opinions and what I do, inasmuch as I spend my mental attention and energy on these things rather than on myself and who I am and what I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish my own quality of life because I am so caught up in how I think or feel or react about another person and a situation.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to support myself in every moment, to, in every moment, look first at how I can support myself, take responsibility for myself, and be self honest, before looking at all of my energy and the "reasons" for that energy and then just participating within and as that energy, allowing myself to be swept up by that energy, swept away by the storm.

I commit myself again to support myself by utilizing the practice of self forgiveness in the moment of energetic experience.

I realize that if another person is not here in the physical with me then there is little to no reason that they should be here in my mind, certainly not if their presence in my thoughts is detrimental to my stability.

I commit myself to stopping this and being here with myself, my stability as my top priority, utilizing my breath and self forgiveness to support myself in this, coming out of my mind and into the physical as what is here so that I may move on just as time moves on just as life moves on.