Self as Paranoid Hypochondriac - Day 46

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

I have for many years half-jokingly and half-seriously identified myself as a "hypochondriac," or "a person who is abnormally anxious about their health."

This was sort of the running joke among psychology majors at university, where it is stereotypical that psychology majors, or students in Psychology 101, will learn about various mental illnesses/conditions and then self-diagnose within the realization that they can see parts of themselves in these diagnostic descriptions.

Well this is obvious. Psychology is really about the mind, the condition of being human, the condition of being a Being Which Behaves, wherein behavior pertains to action, words, thoughts, and emotions: the experiences of humans and animals, of LIFE. So obviously, as any of us has a look at any facet of the human condition, we will see ourselves, and within this many will become paranoid that by recognizing themselves within these descriptions, the whole entirety of the description must therefore apply (of course many will also react in opposition to what they see as themselves and enter a state of denial or resistance; other potential reactions as well). "Psychological conditions" exist on a continuum of thresholds to where any individual can and likely does experience the diagnostic descriptions at least to a certain extent -- we are all one and equal here in our experiences as humans -- but it is once an individual's behavior/experience of self surpasses a specified diagnostic threshold within pre-determined criteria that that individual suddenly "qualifies" for the diagnosis itself and thus "qualifies" for "treatment."

Here a "qualification," for me at least, has been twisted into something desirable where I want to meet and surpass these thresholds to achieve these "qualifications" as I have for whatever reason (both parents in the psychology field, and from both of whom obviously I have always wanted attention -- probable root) that through mental illness/physical ailments I can "qualify" for having my needs met, receiving attention, and being special.

Qualify:

1. Be entitled to a particular benefit or privilege by fulfilling a necessary condition: "we qualify for compensation". 
2. Become eligible for a competition or its final rounds, by reaching a certain standard or defeating a competitor. 

So I can add to this tendency often displayed in psychology majors my other tendency/pattern to seek out and have "problems" within and as myself within a desire to "qualify" for attention or being special or having needs met.

So, for example, as I was reading Understanding Paranoia: A Guide for Professionals, Families, and Sufferers, I noticed that I was thinking on some of the points "Wow, that sounds a lot like me," and that within and immediately subsequent to this thought I had the overall general thought/idea/feeling that "therefore I must be paranoid" (which is quite the paranoid thought indeed!) and that "I must be specifically this kind of paranoia about which I am at this moment reading... or wait no, what's this next one? No that sounds more like me! ...Okay now what do I need to do if this IS ME? How can I READ ABOUT ME to KNOW ME and HOW TO BE ME?"

So within this I was seeing myself not only in these words but AS these words, immutably as these words written by this author gleaned from the DSM developed by psychologists and psychiatrists and other professionals and "experts," believing that I could see and read my SELF in this book rather than knowing myself through, as, and by myself. So here I am not really seeing myself AS MYSELF but am reacting to and within fear and a desire to have definitive identification/identities for myself, a desire to "qualify" for receiving attention, special status, and having my needs met by external sources, and here too I am automatically placing my trust outside myself to where this man has written this book which tells me what a paranoid person looks like, and as I see myself there I then identify myself as completely paranoid within the context of his descriptions, which are clinical, and thus in need of clinical psychological assistance because "paranoia is very serious stuff" and therefore if I see myself in this diagnostic material then I have a serious mental illness that necessitates professional treatment -- serious attention.

Now obviously this man did not write this book from the starting-point or with the intent of having me go into all of these hypochondriac reactions wherein I extrapolate from his words that I am indeed paranoid. He is not responsible for my reactions and there is nothing "bad" about what he has written.

But isn't it funny how even as I am sitting here writing about how I have had a hypochondriac-like reaction to a description of paranoia wherein I identify myself as paranoid... well isn't that paranoid? And so I am not here to deny at all that I am paranoid, in fact just the opposite: I am here to identify the dis-ease of my mind which is often scattered across various mental illness labels but which all really are rooted in deep-seated self-dishonesty and self-irresponsibility through and as what I have accepted and allowed within myself in reaction to my experiences, my upbringing, my education, my memories, my thoughts, my feelings, and my emotions. We are all quite "mentally ill" within our minds in fact, but many of us just don't meet the thresholds of criteria that have been delineated by our "experts" in the field of mental health, and these experts have not identified many of our experiences as mental dis-ease.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a "hypochondriac" to where within this self-description I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my participation in applying various mental and physical disorders to myself within accepting and allowing the belief that I possess those traits and therefore those definitions are descriptive of myself as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to "qualify" within the context of surpassing a threshold wherein I will be permitted to claim a particular disorder as something from which I "suffer" and therefore I will be able to claim the attention, treatment, and specialness that I perceive as coming along with this mental illness status.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place mental illnesses/conditions/disorders on a pedestal of attainment to where I have identified these descriptions as being worthy of my aspiration within my desire to receive attention, treatment, and be special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself through and as definitions and descriptions within mental illness and disorder to where I have labeled myself a hypochondriac, depressed, borderline, and in the past a person with an eating disorder and a cutter. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my identity within these definitions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so unsure of and within myself as myself that I have sought ways to define myself outside myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify ways to define myself within the realm of mental illness to where I have placed myself as incapable and to a certain extent "disabled" through my mind experiences. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my mind experience tendencies and to identify and define them within mental illness and then also that I have exacerbated them so that they are even closer a fit to the diagnostic definitions of these illnesses so that I can feel validated within myself as myself as my experience. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to validate myself within myself as my experience. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to take responsibility for myself as my experiences of myself within self-honesty to where I have observed what has happened within and as my mind as if I have had no participation in it or in the creation of it, as if I am a victim of it, when in fact I have created and participated in sustaining it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to really see, realize, and understand the vast many ways I have perpetuated my own "mental illness" through and as my participation within it both implicitly and explicitly, subtly and blatantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and develop the propensity toward creating and participating in mental illness through and as my desire to have the attention and love of my parents who are both in the mental health field.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within myself the belief that it is likely I will "suffer" "mental illness" because it "runs in my family."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consistently, habitually, and even compulsively search for ways to define myself through mental illness or physical ailments with the starting point of having currency to exchange for attention, treatment, or being seen as special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as "mental illness" from the starting point of being able to be exceptional and exempt. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as "mental illness" from the starting point of justifying/rationalizing/excusing failure or stagnation within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willfully limit myself within "mental illness" to where I have utilized it as an excuse to not push myself or as a back-up in case I fail, to where I do not try as hard as I could.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to know myself absolutely through the words and definitions of others, of "experts," rather than being my own expert of myself, utilizing literature merely as a reference and a mirror of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be but not as definitive of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "not know myself" and then to try to know myself through reading diagnostic descriptions and by directing myself within the suggested treatments and strategies provided alongside these diagnoses without asking myself if this is REALLY ACTUALLY who I am in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself as a fixed entity over which I have no control or participation in creating, to where when I see myself in diagnostic literature I believe that that is "who I am" and not who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that mental illness exists outside of my control and my participation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become "mentally ill" within the definitions provided by "experts." I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the existence of these definitions as justification and rationalization for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use these diagnostic descriptions as mirrors for myself as who I am immutably am rather than as mirrors/reference points of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to be this person within these diagnostic definitions rather than using these descriptions as starting points to know from whence I must move myself: what patterns and layers I must shed.


When and as I see myself identifying myself as who I am within diagnostic criteria, I stop and I breathe. I realize that what I am reading or hearing about may indeed apply to the person I have accepted and allowed myself to be, and within this it can be valuable insightful information, but that these words do not define me immutably and unchangeably, and they do not nullify the responsibility I have for myself as who I accept and allow myself to be. I also realize that I am not special, I do not need treatment, and the only person who can validate me is myself. The only person who can create and define me is myself. The only person who can direct me is myself. I commit myself to create myself within self-honesty, self-responsibility, and self-support as one & equal with all as life in what is best for all. I commit myself to relinquish the power I have given to diagnostic definitions of myself and I commit myself to define myself only within and as who I am in each moment in each breath. I commit myself to investigating and taking responsibility for all the points I encounter within the ways I have defined myself within "mental illness."


Relevant past posts:
Self Injury PROCESSING
Breaking Down the Wall between My Father and Myself - Day 4
Limiting Myself Within Defining Myself as "Depressed" - Day 37
The Truman Show - Living Paranoia - Day 42

Relevant future topics:
- More on hypochondria within desire for physical ailments, especially specific childhood memories of other kids getting attention when hurt
- More on relationship to mental health/illness within relationship with parents whose professions are in mental health
- More on desire to label/identify/define self definitively and through labels/identities/definitions outside of self
- Mental illness as a stopping-point wherein I gain exception and exemption / mental illness as a justification for failure/stagnation
- Mental illness as rationalization for sense of separation from self and others -- "there is something 'wrong' with me"