Warning Signs of Depression - Day 63

I listened to Life Review - Facing Yourself in the Face of Arguments recently, and one thing that stood out to me was how this person specified that their experience of depression stemmed from a specific relationship in their life, where obviously it was what they had accepted and allowed in that relationship which was within their control and thus their responsibility, and thus the key to their experience of depression in relation to that relationship.

So here I want to have an introductory look at the "causes" of "depression" for me, which basically just means the precursor events / relationships to which I have accepted and allowed myself to react in such a way that is not self-supportive and thus has contributed to the development of "depressed" personalities within myself. There are a great many things that I have accepted and allowed within and as myself throughout my life through what I have learned, observed, copied, interpreted, etc., so these historical sources will be important to dig into and see. Equally important is to look at the more immediate catalysts: wherever it is or might be that a kind of shift or series of shifts occur where I have that opportunity to see myself as who I am in various thoughts, beliefs, and reactions within events and direct myself then and there from self-honesty and self-responsibility as what is best for all, before the reactions build and compound into an experience of depression.

So what are some of the warning signs that I am likely, without intervention either internal or external, about to enter an experience of depression? What are the events that precede these warning signs? What are the reactions I am creating and participating in when these events happen? What am I accepting and allowing within myself which leads up to and thus creates an experience of depression?

These are questions I will ask myself on an ongoing basis in my daily life, where I will try to draw connections between what I accept and allow within myself and the consequences thereof. I can see how the use of some private investigative writing could be supportive as I try to sort out and see these patterns, but I will share any conclusions that I find here.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that "depression" is just "something that is" or "something that happens" where within this belief I have established depression as out of my control and not of my own making.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a "victim" or "sufferer" of "depression" wherein "depression" is "not me" but overtakes and overpowers and possesses me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to ever see before that what I think and how I react to events in my life will have real consequences as who I am which are not necessarily immediate but are culminating.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to ever see, realize, and understand how these patterns play out and how my participation in each part of the pattern helps to create/form and then strengthen the pattern, where it is not only important to look at myself as "depressed" but at myself within every stage of this cycle/pattern.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to ever make the connection before between who I am when I first start to notice that I am beginning to "feel depressed" and who I am when I experience myself as outright "depressed," where within this I have basically just watched myself progress from "okay" to "depressed" as if there is no way to intervene and stand up for, as, and by myself in self-honesty and self-responsibility to direct myself into stability as what is best for all and obviously best for me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to ever really see, realize, and understand that what I accept and allow within and as myself has consequences and so within this that when I start to notice that I am experiencing the "warning signs" of depression, this is a flagpoint that I have been and am actively accepting and allowing myself to abdicate self-responsibility within self-support and what is best for all. So here I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to ever really see, realize, and understand how I create myself and my experiences of myself and the source is not inaccessible and "out there" as some "thing" that exists separate from myself within the realm of "mental illness" in the "field of psychology" as some pre-existing thing that exists as separate from those who "suffer," but in fact is me as who I accept and allow myself to be in every moment and the common sense consequence of that.

I forgive myself that I sometimes accept and allow myself to choose depression because it is easier, because it is more comfortable, because within depression I get a free pass to neglect responsibilities.

When and as I see myself noticing the "warning signs" that I am "starting to feel depressed," I stop and I breathe. I realize that these "warning signs" are points where I can see myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be in recent moments/events where what I have accepted and allowed and what I continue to accept and allow will be the determining factors in who I am and who I become. I realize that I am the creator of myself and my experiences of myself and therefore that whatever I see in myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, this is not immutable and it is not a pattern/program that has to run to completion: I can intervene, I can stop myself, I can direct myself. I realize that at any point that I am able to see myself as my reactions and as what I accept and allow is a point in which I can stop and direct myself to stability within self-honesty and self-responsibility as what is best for all. So here I commit myself to first identify the "warning signs" that I am "starting to feel depressed" and to investigate the events and reactions that have led to these signs. I commit myself to stop myself at these signs and "change course" such that I do not accept or allow myself to continue down the "path" which leads to "depression."

I also commit myself to continue to investigate what it means to support myself, because here I am still questioning at what point I can in a self-supportive way give myself time and space to "breathe," to relax, to simply do what I wish to do within enjoyment, where here I see that I place a lot of pressure on myself to do things the "right" way or to always be "on top" of myself, where within this I am judging myself and blaming myself for any perceivable mis-step. Am I pushing myself so hard that I will inevitably eventually want to give up and give in, even if only briefly?

I also commit myself to further investigate my self-definition of self AS depressed where when I experience myself as "depressed" I thus define seeing myself in terms of seeing myself "as depressed" where this seems "overwhelming" and "impossible" and also within which I tend to react within defeatism or apathy where I do not want to have to see myself as depressed and so instead I will just allow myself to "be depressed." But at all times that I am seeing myself, I am seeing myself only as myself, equal to and one with what I have accepted and allowed in myself. So here it is not that I am suddenly forced to look upon myself as "depression" but only again and always to see MYSELF as LIFE, and thus here I can see and be with and support myself at all times regardless of what my experience of myself is, because I am always myself and I am always here with myself and so I can and should always be able to trust myself to not abandon myself when my experience of myself seems too overwhelming.

I commit myself to not abandon myself within giving myself over to my experience of myself.



Relevant past posts:
Limiting Myself Within Defining Myself as "Depressed" - Day 37
Self as Paranoid Hypochondriac - Day 46
Supporting Myself in an Experience of "Depression" - Day 61