Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Money - Day 51

"Touching money can reduce physical pain and feelings of social alienation." 

This was the "completely random yet true" fact at the bottom of the agenda for our team meeting at work this week (unfortunately there was no source). A coworker and I pointed out how this is actually really depressing. For me it was depressing because of all of the monetary/financial obligations that weigh us down to where we are not able to participate in life in enjoyment but are constantly under the strain of bills and payments and needing to have enough money in order to lead a life that we enjoy or to simply survive. 

But what was especially telling for me was what happened yesterday morning. Well, firstly, the night before last I was experiencing some anxiety where I couldn't quite place the source... I wrote about it briefly to try and pinpoint potential sources and I came up with a few. Yesterday morning some of that anxiety persisted, until I checked my bank account. Yesterday was payday, and when I saw the number in my bank account I felt such RELIEF. No longer was I anxious about various relationships, insecurities, ineptitudes, or, obviously, paying my bills. I realized that I was existing in the thought/belief that, since I had money, "I am okay, everything is okay." Like, literally, I went from participating within and as "feelings of social alienation" to simply not caring and being happy that I had money and that now I can do x, y, and z and not have to worry because my needs are met. 

So what's going on here? I'm not totally sure. But money is linked to survival and security, and survival is linked to self-interest, and self-interest is linked to almost everything about me, every endeavor I pursue. So when I feel anxious about if so-and-so likes/approves of me or how I am going to find assurance about myself from an external source, and then experience respite from that anxiety when I see that I "have" "money," this indicates to me that money must hold some meaning, charge, or utility that serves a dual purpose as a resolution to my anxieties. What I "need" in a social relationship seems very different than what I "need" that I can buy with money. But whatever is motivating my anxieties in the social arena must in some way be the same factor that is solved when I have money. What is it? 

Security?

If I have money, I can buy what I need. If I have money, do I need others? If I had more money than I knew what to do with, would I get lonely? I'm sure I would -- we've all heard that "money can't buy happiness" and I'm sure that "rich" people get lonely or perhaps even lonelier than most. But nonetheless money holds a place and value in my mind that negates my needs for others, for social acceptance or connection, to where when I am experiencing social anxiety, it is relieved by substantially increasing the amount of money I have -- at least temporarily. 

But really, honestly -- how often have I in some part of my mind established within myself that I "need" a "partner"/"spouse"/whatever in order to be financially stable, or even to absolutely support me financially? This is a whole different can of worms obviously, but it does show that a lack of money is a partial motivation for connecting with another human who I believe can support me financially in case I can't support myself (or because I don't want to...?). At the very least, I allow myself to factor money/income in when considering or imagining romantic partners. 

Invincibility? 

Invincibility is a big one, because I am not one to "manage" my money "well." I have very little savings and a lot of debt, and there's really no good reason for that other than that I have been irresponsible with my money. When I have money, I feel relief, and in that relief, I spend carelessly. Then I obviously end up again with not having very much money, where I then build up negative energy charges in stress about money and bills and possibly/probably spend recklessly until the next paycheck. Then the cycle continues. 

So then this illusion of invincibility where, within money, I sense that I am provided for or can provide for myself, that I am not in need, I do not lack -- well money isn't infinite in this system so I can't really operate within a sense of myself as invincible without facing consequences for that. And obviously money is also an illusory solution to any sense of lack within and as myself, such as the lack that leads me to "feelings of social alienation" as described above. But the feeling of relief that came with viewing my bank account was accompanied by a sense of myself as untouchable, like nothing could get in my way or get me "down." 

There is obviously a LOT to understand about money and for starters I need to understand my own personal relationship with money and finances and spending and saving and take responsibility for myself here. But eventually I would like to understand a lot more, including for example the increasing division between upper and lower classes to where the middle class is disappearing and why this is happening. Economics has always been something I've basically ignored because "I don't get it," and similarly I've never really learned how to be responsible with my own money because "no one ever taught me" and "I've had bad examples." Well those are just excuses and I'll no longer accept or allow them as valid. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to believe that I can enjoy life even without money or even under financial strain. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience relief/respite from my anxieties to where I no longer face/address them simply because I have seen that I have money. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself within and as my self-interest for survival to where money is a primary motivating factor for me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build and sustain a relationship with money that is more important than my relationships with other people. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pursue relationships with other people from the starting point of what they can do for me, how they can support me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replace relationships with people with a relationship with money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my mind, believe that someday I will like to have a partner/spouse who will support me financially so that I don't have to work. Within this I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to support myself financially. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to support myself within my education about economics and money management. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be careless and reckless with money. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify and excuse my abstinence from appropriate money management. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be passive in general when it comes to my education. 

When and as I see myself spending money carelessly or recklessly, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I often spend money within and in reaction to energetic experiences. I realize that I want to support myself financially and that in order to become financially independent of members of my family I must take actual responsibility for my spending. I commit myself to learn more about responsible financial planning/management and to hold myself accountable to myself for my spending and saving. I commit myself to set goals for myself in paying off my debt and in saving and to free myself from financial ties with my family within a matter of years. I commit myself to stop making excuses for myself both in my education of myself about economics/financial management and in my spending habits. I commit myself to learning more about the equal money system to understand why it is purported to be best for all. I commit myself to continue to investigate my relationship with money and how society relates to money and what money really is.