Walking through Depression - Day 68

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my experience as "depressed."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the resistances that I have identified as "depression."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in and not even realize just how much I am in my mind in thoughts and beliefs and negative energy when I am feeling "depressed."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defeated by "depression."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in and give up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see all of the thoughts and beliefs that are going through my head when I am "depressed" but to not really actually see them and realize and understand that they are my own creation and that I am accepting and allowing and generating them myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to release myself from these "depressed" patterns in my head and in my physical existence. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just give in to these patterns because it seems easier or more comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon myself in "depressed" states.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is too hard to face myself as "depression."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is impossible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worth supporting myself, I am not worth assisting or helping myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worth the work that is required to walk through "depression" and to support myself through an experience of "depression."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build this character as "depressed" in my life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this who I am and have been. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually generate and develop and create this character for myself, and now I am suffering the consequences. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make "depression" a part of my life as my self definition for the last 13 years, more than half my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to ACCEPT MYSELF. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to love myself unconditionally. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say hateful evil things to myself, to believe hateful evil things about myself, and to become discouraged to the point of paralysis or a desire to disappear when I see myself as who I am within what I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to just disappear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to just hide from others, from myself, from life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from others, from myself, and from life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid and evade myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hurt myself.

I forgive myself that I have not ever accepted or allowed myself to take responsibility for myself and my creation of and participation in myself as "depressed." I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to have built much of any foundation or support for myself for when I experience myself as "depressed." I forgive myself that I have always only accepted or allowed myself to "get through" the experience with "my head above water" so that when the experience finally dissipates I can go back to being "normal" and forget about the experience of being depressed until it occurs again, where here I have basically just hidden from myself until the experience passes, avoiding seeing myself and seeing "depression" and thus never really seeing or understanding myself as "depressed" and thus never even accessing what would be required first in order to begin to build supports and to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself and to tell myself how despicable I am and to repeat in my head all kinds of reasons that I basically suck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon myself here, leaving myself behind, choosing not to face myself in my experience of "depression" but to instead give myself over to it to be overcome and overpowered by it, by myself as my mind as what I am accepting and allowing in this moment of "depression."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat these patterns again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed at what I have perceived as being the immensely complicated and deep layers upon layers of who I am as what I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be patient and gracious with myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, upon seeing myself as my patterns and as what I have accepted and allowed, react in disgust and judgment and generate beliefs that I do not deserve anything, not even the effort it would take to correct myself, or even the effort it would take to stay awake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sleep as a way to escape and to avoid myself and my responsibilities and life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself from what matters, from what is here in the physical, from what is real, with what is in my head in terms of my beliefs about myself and my beliefs about who I am, which is "depressed."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to preoccupy myself within an experience of "depression."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate so much mind energy in the form of thoughts and beliefs and emotions and worry and hopelessness that I cloud my mind and make it impossible for me to see, except that it is not impossible, so I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I can see myself if I will just stop and breathe. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see this multiple times today, that if I could just stop and breathe, if I could just look at what is real in the physical and come out of my mind as my mind energy, then I was still here, and I was still okay. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to actually continue with that practice of stopping and breathing and seeing and breathing some more and bringing myself to a point of stability in the physical in the here and now, but instead continued on in my "depressed" state.


When and as I see myself experiencing "depression," I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is who I have accepted and allowed myself to be for over half my life, and it will be a challenge to release myself from this. I realize that it is in these experiences that I can begin to peel away the layers. I realize that it will not happen overnight. I realize that it is here that I can put what self support I have built to the test. I realize that it is here that I can practice being patient and gracious with myself. I realize too that it is here that I should stop and breathe. I commit myself to continuing to investigate this pattern within me and to continue to realize that this will take time and space to be sorted so to be supportive of myself in these experiences to assist myself in seeing myself and also in taking care of myself, in learning to show myself unconditional love, and in continuing to fulfill my obligations.

When and as I see myself participating within and as the thoughts, beliefs, judgments, worry, etc., of "depression," I stop and I breathe. I have already seen here today that when I am able to stop this mind energy, then it is no longer there, and if it is no longer there, I am no longer "depressed." So here I commit myself to really actually stop and breathe and to stop allowing myself to participate in these thoughts/beliefs/etc. I commit myself to not allow myself to throw myself a pity party where I feel bad about myself and trash on myself and basically abuse myself through my own mind.

I commit myself to re-reading what I have already learned about myself as "depression." I commit myself to investigating what depression really is, how it manifests, how it is caused as what I accept and allow. I commit myself to investigating and identifying how to assist and support myself in an experience of "depression." I commit myself to walking through depression, step by step, breath by breath.


Relevant past posts:
I am a Lie - Free Write
Forgiving Myself - Day 11
Source of Support: Self or Other - Day 20
Building Self Support - Day 23
Limiting Myself within Defining Myself as "Depressed" - Day 37
Feeling Tired as an Excuse from Life - Day 43
Self as Paranoid Hypochondriac - Day 46
Supporting Myself in an Experience of "Depression" - Day 61
Warning Signs of Depression - Day 63
The Eye/I of the Storm - Day 64
Work Ethic and My Nasty Nature - Day 66