I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I work hard at my job, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this as an excuse to not work hard in other areas of my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert energy and effort and time into how to "get through" my day where I am not enjoying my job or being present with my job responsibilities but am instead engaging in near constant backchat, dissatisfaction, justification, and even distraction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my working hours as time to distract myself, perform mindless tasks on my phone, and to engage in other self-interested pursuits such as reading desteni blogs, which is in no way a part of my job description.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ignore my work and what I was supposed to do at work in favor of silly phone games or reading blogs or checking facebook.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so caught up within and as my mind, my thoughts, my self-interest, my distractions, and my beliefs that I react with anger or resentment or impatience when another person requests or demands my attention.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label this job as "too easy" and that within this I have found reason to be dissatisfied, to disrespect the job, to feed my ego as me being more important than this job, better than this job, too good for this job. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to take this opportunity to enjoy the ease of the job, or to create challenges for myself and do an above average excellent job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become bitter, angry, and resentful within this job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so fucking ugly at this job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to, deceive, and manipulate myself and others within this job and my performance at this job, where I have deliberately ignored and denied that I am not doing a good job, have justified/excused my poor job performance/work ethic, and have blamed anyone but myself for all of this.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed any of this to get this far.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give up on this job when I found out it would be temporary. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react within blame, judgment, anger, resentment, and as my ego and pride when I found out this position would be temporary, when I was effectively let go.
I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to be present in each moment of this job, to see the challenge of each moment, to meet the challenge of each moment, and to direct myself in self-honesty as what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to respect and appreciate the opportunity I have had in having decent paying employment in my field until I was able to secure a new job.
I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to see how disgusting and disgraceful this is. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to do all of this under so many various justifications and excuses, including that it is a temporary position and that because it is temporary, I am not invested, and I do not "have to" do a good job.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place my motivation for doing a good job outside myself, where it has been external influences which I have allowed myself to blame for not doing a good job, and it has also been external lacks which I have blamed for not allowing myself to do a good job. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to do a good job for and as myself as what is self-honest and best for all.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create and then sustain through my participation all of these layers of thoughts, beliefs, emotions, reactions, and other self-interested pursuits such that I have been extremely dissatisfied in my job and have only fed and fostered that dissatisfaction, until I have created for myself a depressed state.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think some of the nastiest things I have probably ever thought in relation to this job and my assignment. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to really see myself within these thoughts but instead separated myself from my work self such that I excused and justified the person I allowed myself to be at work through blaming my supervisors, blaming my assignment, blaming the temporary status, blaming memories of my old job, blaming all of the many things I thought I could not control, where here I abdicated responsibility for myself within the belief that I could not control myself, that it was all of these various factors that were what were making me this way, this nasty way, and thus within this I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take ownership of myself, to see that I am always myself, who I am in every moment is who I am as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be: no one but myself creates me.
I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to see just how problematic all of this really was sooner, that it took me entering a depressed state for me to realize the consequences of what I was accepting and allowing within myself. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to see myself earlier, to deal with all of this earlier, to face each of those thoughts and beliefs and backchats as they came up so that I could expand myself as my understanding of myself and direct myself within self honesty and self responsibility as what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to face myself in this sooner so that I could do a better job for the person who was most affected by my job: my assignment. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse the independence afforded me in this job, to abuse the lack of supervision, to abuse my power in relation to this person, to abuse this person, and to abuse myself by not taking responsibility for myself or being honest with myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create this abusive unequal relationship where I have only been equal to and one with that which I have created myself to be, which is ugly and nasty and abusive. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exert so much of myself into creating myself as this nastiness.
I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to see sooner the ease and freedom in releasing myself from my self interest within and as my mind and allowing myself to exist in the moment in self honesty and self responsibility as what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself the room to breathe here in this moment.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to choke and suffocate and strangle myself with my self interest, where here I have seen that once I finally allowed myself to breathe and to see myself and to take responsibility for myself in each moment in each breath, to release myself from my mind, to not carry my thoughts and back-chats around with me like heavy weights or reasons to continue in those negative energies... here I have seen ease, freedom, stability, growth, expansion, and a sense of finally having room to breathe, fresh air, not the recycled stuffy polluted air of my mind.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wait so long to discover that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to vaguely with ill-formed rationale blame Desteni for who I have allowed myself to be in this job. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflictual mind energy around what I have perceived about Desteni and what I have perceived about this job without actually seeing either or seeing myself as what is common sensically and self honestly best for all. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mistake my relationship with and perceptions about and reactions to Desteni as actually Desteni or as what is self-honest or what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create anxieties and self doubt about myself and my work abilities by observing myself within this job, by seeing how I have been within this job, but by not seeing how I have accepted and allowed and thus created myself this way, and not seeing that I can create myself any way, I can direct myself any way, and that if I take responsibility for myself within self honesty, and if I have a little confidence in myself, then I can do an excellent job, because I am well-equipped and well-prepared to work in this field.
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| by Rozelle De Lange |
When and as I see myself participating in backchat, thoughts, beliefs, reactions, or self-interest, I stop and I breathe. I realize that justifying and allowing myself to continue on these courses is how they become me, and I become them. I realize that I am whoever I accept and allow myself to be, as whatever I accept and allow myself to do, think, say, believe, want, need. I realize that when I am actually SEEING myself doing this, I am in the position to stop it. I commit myself to really actually fucking stopping it when I see it so clearly as I have in this job. I commit myself to not ignoring it or denying it or justifying it or rationalizing it.
When and as I see myself experiencing dissatisfaction, I stop and I breathe. I realize that there are probably backchats, thoughts, beliefs, reactions, or self-interests that I am not seeing or recognizing clearly. So here I commit myself to watch myself to see myself to investigate myself and see who I really am here.
When and as I see myself experiencing dissatisfaction, I stop and I breathe. I realize that allowing myself to continue in dissatisfaction, to continue to feed my dissatisfaction through and as my backchats, thoughts, beliefs, reactions, or self-interests, is to set myself on the course for an experience of depression, because within all of this I am abdicating responsibility for and as myself, I am lying to myself and not being self-honest, and therefore it only makes sense that I will experience mental/mind dis-ease, that I will begin to feel hopeless and helpless within the constructs I have made for myself in my mind, where when I allow these backchats, thoughts, beliefs, reactions, or self-interests, there is no way out: when I am dissatisfied, there is no way to be satisfied. I realize these are all structures I have constructed in my mind as what I have accepted and allowed within myself. I commit myself to free myself of the structures of my mind, of the rigidity of my mind, of the constraints of my mind. I commit myself to release myself from and as being the wants and needs and desires and fears of my mind. I commit myself to stop being controlled by my mind as the system I have installed in my mind.
When and as I see myself limiting myself within my beliefs about myself in my work abilities and capacities, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am well prepared and equipped and qualified for the jobs that I have been offered and have held. I realize that if I apply myself in self honesty and self responsibility, I can achieve much more than I can even imagine. I realize that I am not expected to be perfect by anyone but myself. I realize that I am likely not seen as a failure by anyone but myself. I realize that all of the reactionary emotions and beliefs that I have created about my new job and myself in my new job are exactly my own creation and nothing else, and thus this is how I am creating myself, so I realize that moving forward toward my new job in fear and apprehension and self doubt will manifest failure. I commit myself to take practical steps to prepare myself for this job, such as reading the PBIS website, reading books pertinent to the population with which I will be working, and maintaining openness within my mind where I do not allow myself to imagine or expect any particular thing but realize that I cannot know and must "wait and see." I commit myself to creating myself in self-honesty and self-responsibility as equal and one to all life as what is best for all, as the creator and destroyer of myself as who I accept and allow myself to be.
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