One thing I have noticed as the weather is getting warmer is an increase in my experience of myself as "tired," wherein I will make excuses and justifications for myself to not direct myself to accomplish tasks or participate in activities because "I'm so tired!"
I also obviously often experience this feeling of tiredness upon waking, where I want to just stay in bed and I might even run through some options of calling in sick to work just so that I can stay in bed. And obviously I push myself out of bed and toward getting ready for work and usually by the time I'm dressed or definitely by the time I've had about half a cup of coffee, I am "awake" and alert. And so this morning I noticed on my way to work after about half a cup of coffee that I reflected on how TIRED I had been when my alarm first went off, and how different I felt at that point while driving, and isn't it interesting how such a short period of time could have such a huge experiential shift?
So for example I'll come home from work and I will feel hot and my eyes will feel dry and heavy and droopy, and I will feel tired and lethargic in my body, inert, and I will even experience myself as feeling like I can't think well or do much, like I just don't want to.
So there is perhaps the first point: the WANT to think, move, do, etc. Within the experience of myself as tired, I WANT to sleep, I WANT to laze around.
But then I also notice that there are plenty of times in my life where I really should be tired, I really actually am physically low on sleep/rest, but despite this I experience myself as having a lot of energy, and my mind is functioning very well. Sometimes this is preceded by having been out with friends, for example, or sometimes late into the night I just experience a kind of "second wind" where my energy picks up again. I also notice that this can occur throughout the course of the day, where I can go from feeling tired to very awake and energetic and alert, and often this happens perhaps when I hear a song I like and I start to move or sing with the song, or I see a friend, or I become interested in something. Or sometimes the catalyst to the shift is not identified: it could be a thought or a feeling or a memory or any number of things that I'm not even aware I have experienced.
So basically my question here is: How can I direct myself within an experience of myself as tired, especially when I am not actually physically in need of sleep? What can I do to assist and support myself to come out of that experience? Not to just suppress it and to say "I shouldn't feel tired so I'm just gonna sit here and judge myself for feeling tired and pretend like I'm not tired but then not actually get much done because I actually do feel tired." How can I actually release myself from that experience of myself? How can I direct myself to wake myself up, so that the feeling of being tired is NOT my experience anymore? Not just that I feel like it "shouldn't" be my experience but in fact is NOT my experience.
It seems like some ways that I can assist and support myself here is to try:
- listening to a song or music that is upbeat and that I enjoy
- spend time outside
- engage in physical activity
- become engrossed in something that is interesting
One thing that always seems helpful in the face of any kind of resistance is to just go ahead and push through that resistance and just DO what it is that I am resisting. So maybe if I'm feeling tired, when I wish I was doing something to where I say "Oh I wish I wasn't tired, then I could ________" -- Well, go ahead and do it, and see what happens.
And obviously but commonly forgotten or overlooked is to STOP & BREATHE, and to assist myself through realization that "My body does not need sleep right now," "My experience of myself as tired is a participation within and as my mind."
And what does my mind get out of this? I have a long long long history of using sleep as an escape: an evasive, avoiding coping mechanism whenever I feel overwhelmed, stressed, depressed, or have responsibilities that I do not want to face. So within my experience of myself as tired, I am at the critical moment of the choice between living and dying as myself, as my ability to direct myself in the physical versus avoiding living by entering an unecessary comatose state.
So I would like to investigate this further to see how I can direct myself to use my time productively, to be awake and thus aware and thus alive: actively participating in and directing myself through and as LIFE.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse myself from self-direction through participation within and as the thought, "I'm tired."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to validate the thought "I'm tired" by allowing myself to laze around, take it easy, take naps, or go to bed early: sometimes before the sun even goes down!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist waking up in the morning even when I have had 6-8 hours of sleep.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move myself through and as the energy loop of the thought "I'm tired" leading to lethargic behavior leading to increased experience of myself as tired.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibilities within the excuse/justification that "I'm tired."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put off various obligations within the excuse/justification that "I'm tired."
I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to respond to the thought "I'm tired" by doing something to wake myself up and to give myself access to experience myself as alert and awake and energized.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to experiences of myself as overwhelemed, stressed, or depressed by sleeping.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to evade/avoid responsibilities/obligations/tasks through sleep or within and as the thought "I'm tired."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing tiredness to direct me.
I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand how I participate in and create and sustain all of my energetic experiences of myself, both tired and alert.
When and as I see myself using "I'm tired" as an excuse to be lazy and not direct myself to accomplish tasks or take responsibility for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that more often than not I have gotten more than enough sleep for my body to function and therefore I am creating the experience of myself as tired within and as my mind. I realize that I have long ingrained within myself to go to an experience of myself as tired or to go to sleep as a way to evade/escape life. I commit myself to direct myself within these moments so that I can accomplish tasks and take responsibility for myself and push myself through the resistance to life of my experience of myself as tired.
When and as I see myself validating my experience of myself as "tired" with thoughts about what a busy day I had, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it does not matter how much I have done in a day: I have seen that I can have a very full day of activities and responsibilities and still experience myself as awake and alert throughout and at the end of the day -- in fact this is more common than experiencing myself as awake and alert during an empty-schedule day. I commit myself to practice utilizing every moment of my day to the best of my ability within self-support, self-honesty, and self-responsibility.
When and as I see myself experiencing myself as tired on a day off or a day when I do not have much going on, I stop and I breathe. I realize that at this point it would be very easy for me to justify going to sleep "because it is my day off" but that in fact I have gotten more than enough sleep for my body to function and that my day off is one of the few days that I can easily accomplish certain tasks. I realize that I have long struggled with directing myself within an open schedule. I commit myself to take practical proactive steps to "wake myself up" to experience myself as alert and to identify and then accomplish the tasks which make sense to accomplish. I commit myself to further investigate my time-management and the excuses/justifications I have made for myself for why I "can't" direct myself in every moment.
I'll tell ya what -- eating birthday cake for dinner two nights in a row does NOT help with feeling energetic...
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