Did I Make that Decision, or Was that Decision Made for Me? - Day 28

This post is a continuation of two posts from yesterday:
Supporting Myself to Make a Decision - Day 27 pt. 1
Trying, Really Trying, to Support Myself to Make a Decision... - Day 27 pt. 2

So here's basically how it went down:
I ended my last blog post pretty dissatisfied. It was disjointed and unorganized as far as I'm concerned, but I saw that I was lacking a conclusion and I saw that my best course of action then was to prepare myself to go to work today, as my decision did not need to be made/delivered until after work today. So I published, and got ready for bed. At this point I was making justifications and excuses for why it made the most sense to quit this job and go back to my old job (stability, familiarity as stability, the feeling-states experienced when thinking about one job or the other, giving myself an easy non-challenging foundation for moving forward in my process, etc.), culminating in the idea that "If I've put this much of myself into writing this all out over the last few days and still haven't come to a solid conclusion to where I am able to move myself forward in this job with confidence, that might be as close to an answer as I am going to get right now."

I saw all the hard work I'd put in, and I saw how I still wasn't sure. I saw my time-limit, and I saw that right now, with how I am presently able to move myself within making decisions, this was apparently as far as I was going to get within these time constraints and within the constraints of what I have thus far been able to change about myself and my relationship to making decisions (which seriously, is huge! I put in a real effort here to face this point, and it is a point I will have to face many times more before I really get it). And so here I saw that I was trying to convince myself to push myself into one or another decision about each of which I was not sure, and that if I had to choose a one or the other where both things are things I am not sure I want, I could at least relieve myself of all of this stress by selecting the choice that is safe and familiar, which is also the choice where I have the most ability to foresee potential regrets and to face myself honestly within and as those regrets when and as they arise.

This was what I thought. I felt safe in this thought. I mostly felt light-weight and airy in my torso. Sometimes, when thinking again about being "stuck" at my old job, I felt a heaviness in my stomach. But I basically ignored that, realizing that I was going to have feeling-reactions to either decision, and that I would just have to deal with and face the consequences and feeling-states of either decision, but that for now I had to make a decision and sleep.

I set my alarm with enough time to get up and go to work if for some reason my mind changed overnight. After the alarm went off, I re-set it for an appropriate time to call in about my resignation.

I called in about my resignation, stating that I had spent a lot of time trying to come to a conclusion, and that I just honestly hadn't come to a solid one, but that nonetheless this was my decision, and I appreciated the opportunity, and I was sorry. I was then told by my supervisor that he had been giving a lot of thought to the conversations we had had over the last few days, and he respects and appreciates my decision, but would I be willing to at least give the organization "two more weeks," and he will put me with a different participant. I agreed, stating that I would enjoy taking advantage of the opportunity to have more time to decide.

Apparently there was some minor miscommunication here or misunderstanding on my part, although looking back I can see both. At the end of the day today, after spending the whole day with my new participant, which was quite enjoyable, I met with my supervisor and he specified more clearly that he appreciated my giving "two weeks notice" so that they can find a replacement and that my last day will be the 27th. At this I stated that I had misunderstood our conversation and that I was under the impression that he was open to me switching groups and that we were using this two weeks as a trial period. At this he responded that we could revisit this conversation at the end of the two weeks and go from there.

So as far as my continued employment with this organization is concerned, things remain a little unclear. But here I have been given the opportunity to stay with this job, a job, for two more weeks, gaining further experience in the program and philosophy and increased clarity in myself, getting paid, and allotting myself the time to continue in this decision-making process while still leaving the door of my old job open, and in fact opening even more doors as I now have time to consider other sources of employment. And in fact too here I see that I enjoyed work today, I like the hours, and I am eager to go back tomorrow and continue to learn more and experience more.

So... What do I make of this development? Well, originally I asked this question as if to say, "why/how did this happen?" but I suppose the why/how is not really what matters here, and if it does, then in this sense I don't really know what to make of it. But here it has happened, it is happening, and so now really: what do I make of it? How do I move within it, how do I create myself within this development?



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as my frenetic mind energy even as I am trying to write my way out of my frenetic mind energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by the amount of text I am producing on the screen to where I become confused within and as what I am trying to figure out.

I thank myself for pushing through my desires to go to sleep early or to give up completely or to sit on the floor rocking and feeling sad and groaning. I did a fucking lot to try and cut through this bullshit. I wasn't fully successful but fuck if I didn't try, and now I see how I can direct myself through determination, and now too I see more clearly how to get from indecision closer to decision. I am that much closer to directing myself within decisions. I will get to decision. You don't scare me, decision!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to give up on myself and my process within this decision when and as I see myself as feeling overwhelmed at the amount of text, instead of taking a practical movement such as starting fresh so as to release myself from the muddled text I have produced.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see that I am wearing myself out and not taking any practical steps to curtail that, such as stopping and breathing and being here now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be caught up within and as the approach I was taking to make this decision, feeling rushed by time, instead of taking just a few moments to stop and breathe and let the energy die down.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the "default" decision be quitting my new job and going back to my old job because it is safe and familiar, to where within this I obviously do not believe in myself or trust myself to take responsibility for myself within every moment within and as every breath, to where I believe I cannot handle what I do not already know and also to where I create within my imagination scenarios based on recent memories and future projections of experiences within this job that I do not want to experience such that I identify these probable experiences not as challenges and points to face but as reasons to not move forward.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "want" a job that is "in my field" and is "like" my old-old job, but that every time I find this job I compare it to my old-old job to where it obviously is never going to be exactly the same and therefore new jobs are never good enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain attached to my memories of past experiences at my old-old job to where I am limiting myself now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be more interested in my own interests than in the interests of the organization for which I work or the individuals I am there to support, to where I like my new job when I am with a participant with whom I have more in common and with whom it is easier to interact than when I am working with participants who actually really need a lot of support and creative application of my skills.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter work from the starting-point of my ego, my self-interests, my comforts, and me-me-me above all else to where I am not seeing or living as all as one as equal as LIFE.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by how I see that I am able to say one thing in favor of one decision and at the same time say "but at the same time" in favor of another decision, to where I am constantly weighing options and going back and forth and engaging in a tug-of-war within and as my mind.

Here I will breathe myself to clarity and stability.