The Mirrors in My Peers - Day 21

swimming in the bullshit of my mind...

trying to sort some things out here.

1. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. A few days ago I felt like I was moving SO FAR and this is AWESOME and look at this CLARITY. But right before that I was where I am now, which is kind of forlorn, lost, lonesome, really unsure of myself... and really judgmental of myself: second-guessing everything and then guessing again so that I just don't know what's real, what's true... lost in my mind to where I really just don't trust myself. I really cannot distinguish if I am lying to myself. 
2. So I think within this I have come to realize what is happening maybe when I seek that outside influence or source of support not so much to "validate" me (which is something I've started blogs about over and over but have never finished as I get lost in my mind and the need for the validation about which I am writing!) but at least to push me along, to encourage me, to give me that nod/smile/approval that I am going the right direction. 
• I have judged this "need" for an external source of support as being "bad" and support as being something I absolutely need to find within myself and only within myself, withholding from myself the support that is around me to help me as I gain my stability, not realizing that I cannot stand up automatically, my legs are weak, and while I cannot and will not accept or allow myself to expect another to carry me, it is okay to get a hand. It's okay. I don't have to fucking hate myself for wanting a hand. 
• I often feel like I am going "too far" the "wrong way" without guidance to slow me down and point out things I might not see. I feel this way often, including, for example, in work situations, where I often doubt my success unless it is explicitly approved of and praised. I can run run run but pretty soon I'll realize I'm not toooootally sure where I am, and I get scared, and I want someone to tell me where I am is the "right" place to be. I want to be able to be that person; I want to be able to identify for myself if I am "on track," if I am really being self-honest, if I am really taking responsibility for myself... but these are muscles I am still strengthening, and maybe they are stronger than I realize, but even so I have yet to realize how strong they are. I do not trust myself to guide myself, YET. 
• So I have seen tonight that it is within and through others that I see myself. We all know this, right? The mirrors in our peers. It kinda rhymes so it must be true. What I'm trying to say here is that when I am able to actually "talk out" what is happening in my mind, a definite coping mechanism within anxiety (and thus I judge it), I am able to see it in front of me, much like when I write here, but when I write here I get lost in self-doubt and the belief that I am not able to guide myself because I don't trust myself to guide myself, because I sometimes really cannot tell when I am lying to myself. Am I making that up? So when I write here I second guess before I even have the opportunity to conclude anything or to take the steps toward a conclusion. (And here I judge myself too for not having a conclusion, and I make it such that it is not okay to just observe and accumulate awareness, I must find an answer!) But within a supportive conversation with another I can bounce myself off the other and receive feedback as a way of seeing myself and who I am being. 
• So I have to learn eventually to do this here in my blog in writing for myself, not relying on others to act as my mirrors for me, right? I have to learn to trust myself and not rely on impulsively communicating what is happening within me in order to see it, but to just see it by seeing it. But in the meantime I also have to stop judging myself for wanting a hand, for wanting some support, and for not trusting myself yet and not being stable yet. 

Gonna go to SF now cause even in this I am getting really caught up in wanting to scrap the whole thing, as I so often do, because I have all these judgments about what I have written and about myself for having written it. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as judgment of myself within my process for self-change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as judgment of myself for needing and wanting support from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the expectation that I should be able to change simply by realizing and becoming aware. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the belief/excuse that when I am experiencing resistance to writing, which is a resistance to facing myself honestly, I am just too tired or not smart enough to make anything of what I see. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as contradictory frenetic mind energy wherein I doubt myself and then I doubt myself for doubting myself and then I doubt myself again. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach judgments about myself to those doubts. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the belief that I am "bad" for needing/wanting support. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the belief that I should be able to stand up right now in stability in self honesty for now and forever, just like that. And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself when I see that I cannot do that, that this is a PROCESS. 

I forgive myself for not actually forgiving myself. 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself within, through, and as my breath. 

When and as I see myself wanting support from an external source, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I struggle within and as a need for validation, but that I also cannot do this alone, nor should I. I commit myself to try to distinguish between my need for validation and when I legitimately need/would benefit from support, and I commit myself to support myself by taking advantage of the support around me. 

When and as I see myself judging myself and expecting myself to be perfect and strong (flag-point here: maintaining a strong front since childhood) and stable, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am walking a process that requires patience and diligence and self-honesty and above all: self-forgiveness. I commit myself to really actually forgive myself, because there is nothing productive about wallowing in self-judgment. 

When and as I see myself starting like seriously 5 blogs in one night and not publishing any of them, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am stuck in my mind, my judgments, and my doubts, and that therein I am not with my breath and therein I cannot practice and gain self-trust and stability. I commit myself to enter my chest-region through my breath and to move from and as my breath and to test myself and my explorations within my self-expansion such that I can see who I am in each breath, even if it is someone I don't like, or someone I think others won't like. I commit myself to being more candid in my writing such that I am not requiring some kind of conclusive ultra mature totally enlightened post of myself. I commit myself to let me really actually see me and to let you see me so that you might maybe see yourself.