This morning I had a pretty hard time. I found myself crying on my way to my 2nd day at my new job. I was, and still am, feeling pretty overwhelmed. But it's not really about anything to do with the job or job description... It's more, I guess, the change/transition, the regret, the expectations of myself, more of the regret, and just feeling really out of control and unstable, and more of having high expectations for myself and my abilities. Knowing what I am trying to do here and how I am struggling with it, and then seeing how I had a "good thing" at my old job where I made just enough money to work a job that wasn't too hard where I was already proficient and enjoyed my coworkers, and where I had plenty of time (maybe too much time!) to reflect throughout my day and integrate and process, and could make stability within myself and my process a higher priority. But that's not to say I can't still. It's just to say that right now I need to attend to this transition, and attending to this transition in an effective and productive way is actually still very much participating in supporting myself, gaining self-trust, and stability, and it's still part of my process, because I am my process!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay up too late last night such that I knew I was not making practical preparation to assist myself in waking up in the morning to get ready for work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in reckless self-saboteur behavior such as staying up too late and sleeping in too late because I feel depressed and hopeless.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the thought that, "I've already fucked myself over, so I might as well fuck this up too" and "I'm just a fuck-up."
I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to have compassion, understanding, patience, and sympathy for myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see my strengths.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as feelings of intimidation and overwhelmingness to where I doubt myself and my abilities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my fears within and as regret such that instead of facing my fears I go into self-victimization about how I've fucked up and I can't have back what I lost but I can't move forward and I'm fucked.
I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to support myself, love myself, take care of myself, be patient with myself, and all of the other things that I and all deserve as life.
When and as I see myself participating within and as self-defeatist self-sabotaging thoughts, feelings, and emotions, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am reacting within and as a huge build up of mind energy and I am letting that energy move and create me. I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can see more clearly how and why I am reacting within and as self-sabotage: what do I fear? I commit myself to come back to my breath so that I can move through and as my breath so that I can face my fears and obligations in a way that supports myself as life.
When and as I see myself participating within and as reckless, self-sabotaging actions, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have let my mind energy win when I come to the point of apathy and not caring about my consequences. I realize that I am not supporting myself when I am reckless in my behavior, and here I commit myself to try out a new morning routine which starts at night: go to bed early, rise at 5, run with my dog, eat a good breakfast, and spend my morning with myself in a leisurely, calm, supportive way. If I can, I also want to do write or do a pre-write at this time. Likewise, I realize that I am not supporting myself when I am reckless within and as my thoughts and emotions and feelings, so I commit myself to notice when I am accepting and allowing my thoughts, emotions, and feelings to build up and out of my control such that they are running on their own energy. I commit myself to really stop and breathe here so that I can calm myself and come to my chest-region and move myself within, through, and as my breath.
When and as I see myself participating within and as feelings of regret, I stop and I breathe. I realize that by participating within and as regret I am living in the past and I am avoiding something that is in front of me. I realize that I cannot change the past and in fact there is nothing wrong with what is in front of me. I realize that I am reacting to and as my fear of change. I commit myself to really stop and breathe and look in front of me to face my fears and see how I have created them. I have designed these fears and so I can face them.
When and as I see myself judging myself and not taking care of myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that by judging myself I am not supporting myself and I am maintaining existence in and as my mind energy of ambivalence and cognitive dissonance wherein I always accept and allow myself to consider and often prefer options other than what is. I commit myself to really stop and breathe and to take care of myself by giving myself understanding, patience, and compassion. I commit myself to investigate why and how I have developed my self-judgments.
But here I'm lying because I don't want to publish this because I am judging myself for it and I really just want to give myself a manicure, eat some strawberries, and go to bed. You know what, that's okay. I can want to do that. I can do that. That's who I'll be right now, and if there is a consequence to that, I will learn from it. But probably what I will learn is that it is okay to rest and to take a break and to relax and to enjoy and to not push push push myself so hard that I break.
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