The Truman Show - Living Paranoia - Day 42

For a few years I have self-described some of my social experiences and "social paranoia" / "anxiety" as being as if I am in "The Truman Show," a movie I saw years and years ago which, to my recollection, is about a man who lives in a community that is 100% false wherein all the places, props, and people are in on a secret that it is all false and fake in order to make a TV show about this man that the masses can watch and by which they can be entertained.

So I have identified a sense within myself that I sometimes feel as if the entire world, all my friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances -- EVERYONE -- is in on some "secret" about "life." And everyone can see right through me and see that I do not know this secret. And people laugh at me about this, or pity me, or think I am strange or sad or weird or horrible or any number of potential reactions a person might have toward another person who just "doesn't get it."

So here I have identified that there is an "it" to "get" and that everyone else "gets it" except for me, and that everyone else knows I don't "get it" and therefore I am on the "outside" while everyone else is on the "inside."

And so I have and at times still will go through social interactions or be in social settings where I will hear people laughing or see looks on peoples' faces and I will use this paranoia identification with this movie to interpret what is going on around me, to convince myself that people are laughing at me or that they are making a confused or mean face because of me, and that as soon as I leave people are talking about me, and that everyone sees right through me: sees how "empty" I feel, how anxious I feel, how unsure I feel, etc., and also that there truly is some "secret" to life that I have not been let in on that everyone else knows and everyone else can tell that I don't know, and in fact that some people keep it from me maliciously, manipulating and deceiving me deliberately.

I don't think that this paranoia began when I saw this movie so many years ago but merely the paranoia reminded me of the movie and so I have associated the two. I think that the paranoia grew from multiple experiences both internal and external, and memories, and beliefs about myself, reactions, etc. So within this paranoia I am basically completely denying, disowning, rejecting and debasing myself while assuming that all other people are "normal" and I am "abnormal" and that there is something "wrong" with me and something that all others are capable of and of which I am incapable, that there is something I should have learned long long ago, some kind of "fact of life" that I missed and that everyone else got and that now people laugh at me for my behavior, my fears, my thoughts, my desires, my wants, my needs, ME, my everything, and within this there is a HUGE separation of myself from all others as not one and very unequal.

I experienced all of this paranoia the most between 1 and 3 years ago when I was smoking weed daily, so there is also a link there.

(I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to smoke weed even when and as I saw my experience with weed contribute to a drastic increase in paranoia and anxiety and self-judgments.)


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is some "secret" to life and that in order for me to learn this "secret" I must learn it from another, be "let in on" the "secret" rather than looking to and within myself for the self-security I seek in knowing this "secret."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself completely from all of life wherein I have believed that I am the only one who does not know this "secret" meaning, rule, or fact of life and that everyone else does, and so within this I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that we are all one and equal as life.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to realize that the "secret" is BEING, is in beingness, is in life itself and that I am life as all are life and thus there is no secret but only life itself.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create within my mind the idea that there is something "more" to life, that there is something that must be "known" about life in order for life to "work" rather than just living in the physical in the here & now within self-honesty and self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remove myself from the here & now to where I have existed within and as the paranoia of my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a lack within myself to where I have believed that I am less than others, I am lacking something that others have, and that whatever it is that I lack must be granted to / bestowed upon me by others. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that all that I need to support myself as one as equal as life is within myself in self-honesty and self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others are constantly judging me, laughing at me, ridiculing me, or deliberately and maliciously withholding support from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-support outside of and separate from my self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a world within my mind where I am at the mercy of the cruelty of others and thus to place myself within the role of victim.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exclude myself from and as life and being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make all of life ABOUT ME to where I have likened my lived experience to a movie wherein a man's entire reality revolves around him within facades that have been created to trick him, so within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so self-centered as to believe that all that is around me is a facade made to trick me and only me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive the behavior, words, facial expressions, and body language of others as directed at to or about me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am important enough to trick and deceive at such a monumental level; I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am important enough that others would gather to talk about me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care if others are talking about me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate my paranoia with a movie so that I have solidified my paranoia within this identification as a referential example of my mind experience.