Pressure to Participate - Day 141

Recently I have been letting go of the pressure to blog every day. I have had days where in self-honest consideration I have not felt the need / want to blog, and so I have not. However I still face days where in self-honesty I see that I am merely facing resistance to blogging. Today was one of those days.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my ("successful") existence is contingent on my active participation with desteni.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my active participation with desteni mandates that I must blog every single day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate my process with my definition of "active participation with desteni," where here I see that desteni is a tool to support me as my process, process is always here within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself when I am experiencing a negative or apathetic mood state.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that who I am is "over there," at my computer, writing or reading or watching, so that if I am not doing that or am resisting that, then I abandon myself in self-judgment.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, understand, and live the realization that I am here in my body with myself always, in my breath, always.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, understand, and live the realization that my process is myself, who I am in all moments, and how I support myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in mood-states where I resist writing and to basically like give up on myself for that day, where if I do not want to write then I abandon myself as this process altogether for that day, or think even about abandoning the process itself altogether as a reaction to resistance, an extension of the now-moment-energy into all of time as who I am, thus allowing myself to be consumed by the energy and allowing the energy to move me.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be with myself always as my process and as my breath in my body, where I am always already. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine myself as "stable" as "self-supportive" only existing if / when / as I am writing and "feel" "on-track" with "knowing" what to write about / having that motivation to write.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as less-than when I resist writing, within this placing myself over there, where I am resisting, abandoning myself here, where I actually am, separating myself from myself through resistance and judgment.

When and as I see myself experiencing a resistance to writing and/or walking this process, I stop and I breathe. I breathe myself into my body and into my breath, here, where I am, not in my mind, not in my images of the successful on-track me, not at my computer, but here in my body in my breath in the physical. Here. And as I am here I am walking, I am always in process, I am always in every moment at the point of supporting myself in whatever way is best. I commit myself to stop the judgment and to just breathe. I commit myself to realizing I am here in my body always. I commit myself to releasing myself from my own self-imposed pressures and expectations, releasing the judgment, and simply breathing. I commit myself to the realization that I am my process, always, no matter where I am, no matter what I am doing, and so therefore I commit myself to the realization that just because I do not write does not mean I am not walking, and so therefore I commit myself to stop the judgment and separation of myself from myself, instead embodying myself as process, as walking process in every breath, directing myself in self honesty and self support and self responsibility, releasing myself from the pressure to walk process a certain way, and realizing that I am always walking as long as I am breathing.

I commit myself still to continue on in my process of writing, but to, when and as I see myself resisting writing, stop, breathe, and look at myself here. Here I am, in my body, not over there, and I do not need to abandon myself here to judge myself from my imagination of me over there.

Defining Myself in Positive Energy - Day 135

You guys. I'm so amazing.

An interesting thing happens when I try to write about family "issues." First a desire for attention from others which has historically been a point within any sharing of "problems," especially family related, since I have often been so confused within myself about how to identify or define said "problems" and so have wanted to read the definitions of others on their faces or in their reactions / words. But then, as I see myself reel (real) that in and begin to like "gift" that attention to myself, I see another "problem" in terms of the positive energy I can give myself and create by myself, which is still not stability, still not self honest, still not what is best for all. I have not listened to this interview but the description leads me to believe it could be pertinent: A Friend in Mind from the Future of Consciousness series.

One thing that stands out in what I just wrote is wanting to read the definitions of the "problems" in others, and yet when I "gift" this to myself the definition becomes purely a positive energetic charge of how great I am for dealing with such "problems" rather than a practical look at the problem itself and a practical solution. So here I can see that when I sought for others to define and explain what I was experiencing for me, what I often got was either a dismissal or a praise of what I was going through, so a definition really of myself and who I was in that experience. Most often this was some kind of praise or laud for being so "strong," which didn't really clear up any confusion on how to deal, just simply kept me doing whatever it was I was doing, which, over the years, has varied, but has never really served as a real solution, and at times has been quite detrimental / self-abusive.


I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see the "problems" I have experienced throughout my life for and as exactly what they are in the physical reality as their components, contributors, and consequences, instead seeing them only through and as my mind as my reactions, emotions, confusion, beliefs, and judgments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe within confused reactions that I am not capable of identifying and defining my own experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look to others to show me these definitions, although never really outright asking for a definition or asking for help, but instead painting a picture or telling a story and then judging and perceiving based on what I interpret from the other person's reaction who is hearing my story.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse the reactions I have received regarding who another person believes I am with definitive feedback on the situations or "problems" themselves.

I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to morph my confusion and desire for feedback / advice / perspective into a desire for praise of who I am within these experiences / who I am within the way I present myself in relation to these experiences.

I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to elaborate upon my stories of my experiences in such a way that I could manipulate the other person to see me as "strong" and so to tell me I am "strong" or otherwise seem impressed and so to give me that positive energetic charge while at the same time reinforcing my position as a victim who does not deserve such hardship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself thus to assume the victim role rather than seeking out actual practical solutions, so that here I have basically grown out of the situations / problems themselves, and yet am still dealing with and walking through the consequences, many of which I created within my reactions to the problems as delineated above as my participation as victim and exaggeration / seeking out bigger problems so as to receive bigger "support" / attention.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to have ever really supported myself but instead created personalities and characters to deal and cope with the "problems" as familial "issues" that transpired in my childhood, adolescence and young adulthood so that here now I have been left only with these personalities and characters still acting out as me in my daily life as I meet new situations that remind me of these old "problems" and "issues."

I forgive myself therefore that I accepted and allowed myself to react to the "problems" and "issues" within my family during my adolescence through self-abusive behaviors such a self-mutilation and starving myself because I saw these as "solutions" which to me at the time meant in part a way to garner the positive attention of others, to have others pity me, to have others tell me how brave or strong I am, to have others want to save me, and also thus to have the positive attention of myself where, even though I professed to hate myself, I also at the same time pitied myself and believed myself to be brave and strong for living through these trials and for surviving, and I saw myself as a victim, and so I saw myself as my own savior if I was able to survive, imagining into my future when I might have some great story to tell about how I managed through these dark times.

I forgive myself also for accepting and allowing myself to physically abuse myself as a way to gain some kind of control, within this "holding on" to reaction and mind energy, manifested and inflicted then on my body, rather than letting go and seeing and being and breathing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exacerbate pre-existing problems outside of my control by creating new problems for myself that I believed to be within my control, but which quickly took control over me, all because I wanted the problems to be so big that no one could deny them, and yet this never happened, and I continued to not trust myself and to deny myself within this exacerbation and self abuse.

So I forgive myself then also for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself from the real "problems" and "issues" at hand within reality, instead creating my own internal realities and also manipulating actual reality through my participation in self-abusive behavior, distracting myself from actual real practical solutions, not supporting myself absolutely, instead sabotaging myself, creating more and greater problems for myself through my reactions, because I was confused as to why what was happening was happening and so I thought that if I could make matters worse maybe it would become clearer to me through the reactions of others that something was really wrong, rather than simply trusting myself as my experience that something was wrong, and then doing whatever I could to support myself through those trials to create something right within and as myself, instead turning to more wrongs within to match the wrongs without.

And along the topic of self injury as reflected upon more recent experiences of the desire to hurt myself:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resort to self injury as a solution to emotional turmoil and negative energetic experiences, as a quick-fix way of stopping these experiences while at the same time growing them bigger, not supporting myself, in fact physically abusing myself, manifesting and inflicting my mind onto my body. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to physically punish myself for the thoughts and emotions that I create and allow within my mind, believing this to be the solution. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine hurting myself at some times of emotional turmoil and to imagine this as a relief and as if it would somehow make things better, so in a way carrying out retribution on myself, wanting to punish myself for my wrongs, but here I see this does nothing supportive for change and only makes matters worse.

And:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to basically want to explain and express the specifics of the "familial issues" that are here in front of me in large part because I want the energetic charge of going into it all and sharing it with others and then seeing their reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the energetic charge that I get from describing the positive ways I have approached a point so as to believe that others will admire me or think I am doing a good job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to go into specific details of what is going on so as to garner the attention of others who I believe / project will be like "amazed" that "wow, all of that is going on, and she is sure handling it well."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself also to want to go into specific details about my family as if it absolutely matters and is imperative information for the sharing of what I have discovered through private writings on the subject.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to notice my own strengths and then to want to basically brag about them, to get others to notice them as well, and then to get the energetic charge of either believing that others admire me or in fact receiving such praise.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing my own admiration of myself as who I am in any given moment to be enough for me.

I see that it can be and in fact is enough, if I let it be enough. I see a stark difference now than even just a few months ago in terms of the desire I have to over-share details in order to gain attention. I see the point is still here, but it is getting smaller.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sometimes or often get overly focused on the details of my own family "issues" or other problems of mine such that I believe they are enormous and like the worst things that could happen to anybody.

I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to sometimes get locked into even the attention I can give myself, even the positive praise that I manufacture within my mind for myself for how strong and stable I am / can be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in the "issues" of my own small life such that I ignore the bigger issues that affect all life, that bring death to life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get locked into my own desire for attention either from myself or others such that I become narrow in my vision of what matters, believing that my experiences are greater or more important than the experiences of others, where here I realize that actually despite whatever "problems" exist within my family I am mostly extremely "lucky" in terms of family and EXTREMELY "lucky" in terms of my own position in society / this world system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself thus to create problems within my mind through and as my mind consciousness system based on my own limited experiences and memories and belief systems without regard for what is happening world-wide or even simply just with my neighbor.

I commit myself to standing in stability always in all ways. I commit myself to standing in stability for the sake of all life. I commit myself to acknowledging when I am stable, but to then continue in the next breath within that stability as whatever is here in that breath, rather than remaining stuck in the positive reaction of the attention or praise that I could give myself. I commit myself to doing this because it is what is best for all, and living what is best for all is my goal -- not gaining praise either from myself or others.


Past Pertinent Posts:

• Self Injury PROCESSING
• My Mother, Myself (Part 1) - Day 134

Forgiveness Defined - Day 113

Perhaps some of us, certainly myself, have encountered a kind of automation within writing self forgiveness. It is a specific formula applied to assist oneself, but as such it can become somewhat monotonous. I have used it sometimes as a way of delving into myself and discovering what is really there -- I find that as I start, and then continue, I go deeper, I get to the real point: it is a practice of self discovery and understanding. I learn things by the end of writing that I did not really see or understand at the start. And this is awesome, period. And useful, even if not altogether the point in terms of what "forgiveness" really means. But sometimes writing self-forgiveness becomes merely statements of who I am preceded by "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to...," and at that point there is no actual forgiveness involved, and who I am remains the same -- I've not actually forgiven myself; I've merely stated who I have seen myself to be.

I mean, to actually forgive myself, means not only to take ownership for that behavior as a thought or action as created by me: seeing, realizing, and understanding that I directed myself within that behavior -- it is me, and therefore I am the person to be forgiven -- but to also really literally forgive myself for that, within the realization / understanding that there are more opportunities still to be something or someone else, that I am not that, immutably, unchangeably. To make amends with myself, in a way -- to say, "I'm sorry, me, that I put me through this, that I made this who I was in this or these moments, that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in this way." So to stop holding it against myself, to stop defining myself by it, and to understand it is not who I have to be, it is not who I immutably am. Then, to make (create myself as) the self commitment / corrective statements, is to actually stop the behavior and change.

Well, let's break it down and see:

for·give
/fərˈgiv/
Verb
1. Stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
2. Stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for (an offense, flaw, or mistake).

for·give·ness
/fərˈgivnis/
Noun
The action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.

So to forgive actually means to STOP the anger and resentment, basically thus stop the blame and judgment. That is what it means to forgive. So if I write, "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to..." and then continue to judge myself for that behavior and maintain anger and resentment toward myself, or other energetic reactions, I have not really forgiven myself. I have simply abused a writing technique that is meant to support me, instead making it automatic and false.

And, also important to note, is that forgiveness is a process! And we already know that a process takes time and steps -- so it takes time and steps to forgive oneself / another and it takes time and steps to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a process.

Therefore:

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to uphold for myself the actual meaning and value of the words I have written within self forgiveness in actually stopping my self judgments, anger, resentment, and other reactions to and as myself as who I have seen myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to always take seriously what I am writing through self forgiveness as this process of forgiving myself and of writing / speaking these words in complete self honesty and self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have not always accepted or allowed myself to really mean what I have said but instead have simply used these statements as a way of getting out what is inside of me, but not actually forgiving myself for it, not actually stopping the judgment and self hatred I have inflicted upon myself as a reaction to myself.

I mean it is really cool to start a string of self forgiveness and see things about myself by the end that I did not see at the beginning. I am okay with using self forgiveness for that end. What I am not okay with is using self forgiveness as a way of conveying or expressing myself, as a way of writing out the person I have seen myself to be as the person I intend to remain, because I am still in that moment, in that behavior, in that thought, in that judgment. It is not okay to say, "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to" and then insert some factoid about myself that I am not actually really ready to forgive. That is an abuse of the tool.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write out self forgiveness automatically and also to write it out as like a way of saying who I am in that moment, rather than saying who I was, who I intend to not still be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sometimes just write out strings of self forgiveness that are simply statements about myself preceded by "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to" but with no actual intention of forgiving myself of that behavior / thought / belief / pattern.


I forgive myself also for not accepting or allowing myself to fully see, realize, understand, and embrace the fact that the forgiveness of myself is a process, it is this process I walk, and so it is okay if I am repeating self forgiveness from time to time, and it is actually very expected that I will have to face points more than once because I have certainly already participated in them much more than once. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that just as this entire process is "a process" within all that that word indicates, so is each individual forgiveness of myself a process, each individual change or shift within myself is a process unto itself, an occurrence which takes practice, time, and space.


So when and as I see myself writing self forgiveness statements merely as a way to describe myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that sometimes this is an easy way to see myself through writing and that if this is the easiest way I can see myself in that moment, it is self supportive. However I also realize that sometimes I write out self forgiveness within an energy of self judgment, wherein even as I am forgiving myself, I am still mad at and resenting myself. And in this way the self forgiveness is not real, it is merely an automated writing pattern which allows me simply to see myself -- but it is not self forgiveness at this point, or, if it is, it is only the very earliest stages of the process that is forgiving myself. So I commit myself to being aware of myself within my writing of self forgiveness, to understand myself as my starting point in each statement and to see how I am supporting myself in each statement, who I am in each statement. Am I actually forgiving myself? Am I investigating myself through a method of digging deeper? Or am I merely describing myself within the formulaic framework of self forgiveness statements? None of these are "wrong," but I commit myself nonetheless to an awareness of in which of these three I am engaging so that I can understand who I really am at that point and where still I must walk to walk through the points about which I am writing. I commit myself thus to maintaining responsibility for myself as who I am even within forgiving myself, here, seeing, realizing, and understanding that forgiveness does not absolve me of my responsibility, and my responsibility must stand even in the writing and process of forgiveness.

Integrity is key. It is the same as self honesty I suppose.

What's interesting to note here is that actually the words "forgive" and "forgiveness" within their specific dictionary definitions are very appropriate for our approach, not surprisingly, but the specific definitions for their synonyms tend toward implying an absolution of responsibility or justification for behavior. So it's interesting how quickly the word "forgive" or "forgiveness" can actually become a way of condoning that behavior within the apparent accepted language of the English dictionary. This also seems like it could create a challenge for some including myself in terms of being able to "forgive" self or others, wherein I might link the word forgiveness to a denial of responsibility and thus resist forgiveness, perhaps because I have divested of myself in a self-interest in retribution. However, it seems clear to me that within the specific definition of forgive and forgiveness, apart from synonyms, responsibility is indicated, but simply punishment, resentment, and anger are not. So concern with retribution / consequence is not a part of forgiveness.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist really actually forgiving myself, and others, because I have so divested of myself into my self interest in retribution, punishment, and consequence. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself therefore to hold myself and others hostage to my own bitter resentment and anger because I have created for myself a definition of forgiveness which is intertwined with absolution of responsibility. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to divest of myself in my self interest in retribution and consequences for others, wherein I have wanted to see others suffer because I myself have created suffering for myself in my reactions to others' actions, and so rather than forgive myself for another for my reaction and their action, I choose instead to withhold my forgiveness, holding onto instead my resentment and anger, and insisting within my mind upon a resolution which involves retribution and consequence, visible unto me. I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to play judge in terms of wanting to approve of the level of retribution or consequence which comes down upon another for my perception of their failure to take responsibility for themselves. I forgive myself also for accepting and allowing myself to basically sacrifice myself as my own self honesty and self responsibility and thus ability to exist in any form of contentment as one and equal as all as life as what is best for all, instead sacrificing myself, punishing myself because I am so determined to punish another, to see another face consequences. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain nasty and hateful and resentful within and as myself because I am so attached to seeing another suffer if I am suffering, because I am so attached to placing blame upon another for my suffering, and because I am so attached to any point of suffering that I refuse to let it go, to forgive it, to take responsibility for myself within it, and to move on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become stuck and stagnant within negativity and resentment and anger, giving myself over to the creation of grudges and denying myself my own responsibility for myself, my own ability to support myself, denying and disowning and rejecting myself, doing exactly to myself what I have reacted within a belief as another having done unto me, all because I care more about seeing another punished than I care about myself in terms of unconditional self support. So I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to simply drop it and move the fuck on, within the realization that it does not matter, it is all within my mind, it is not real, it is not here, it is not what is best for all. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself as my process as being here within and as myself in self responsibility and self support, aligning within and as myself as what is best for all, because I would rather exist in anger and resentment toward another for the reactions I myself have created and for the memories I myself have held onto and for all that I myself have accepted and allowed within and as myself, thus not seeing, realizing, or understanding that part of self responsibility is understanding what is my responsibility, and what is the responsibility of another, and realizing that I have no ability to respond for another, I have no ability to take responsibility for another, I am only able to take responsibility for myself, and any attempts to do anything other than this is a waste, indeed negligence and abuse.

So I commit myself therefore to continuing to walk this process from here on out for as and by myself alone, all one, one whole, one with and equal to all as life as what is best for all, seeing, realizing, understanding, and then integrating what each of these phrases really applicably practically means, and living this out as myself as who I am, breath by breath, moment by moment, point by point, day by day, for myself and no other, always coming back to myself, coming back home to me, turning each and every point back to myself, always realizing that I am the start of this process, I am this process, I am the director of myself, and so who I am is always me and because of me, caused by me.


Related posts:
Self Honesty Before Self Forgiveness
What is Process? - Day 33
Writing Automaton - Day 53
Phrasing of Self Forgiveness - Day 101



Now, one thing to note as I went through my timeline and gathered posts relevant to this one: Sometimes self-forgiveness is repeated in terms of the topic or point. This doesn't necessarily mean it wasn't "genuine" the first go-round. This simply means it happened again -- I directed myself again from and as a starting point that was not self honest. This is process. I have become automated within my reactions / the aspects of myself that I am forgiving, the same automations which allow me to write self-forgiveness automatically. The Self that is really here, underneath it all, is not automated, is not a robot, but is actual life. This takes daily work, presence and awareness within and as my breath in every moment, to direct myself in self honesty, to deprogram and direct apart from the automated systemic reactions of the robot I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

Showing Up for Myself Part 5: Suppression, Depression, Mania, & Writing - Day 95

One week ago I wrote out a lot (23 pages...) of private self forgiveness which allowed me to open the floodgates of something I had been suppressing for at least 5 months. I continued to write for a few days, had many emotional energies emerging, and noticed myself feeling very motivated/productive, like maybe even almost manic (for example, in the last 72 hours only about 14 of them have been sleep, but this specifically could have multiple factors contributing) in terms of accomplishing tasks that had been piling up or, obviously, in writing. I also noticed a hugely increased incidence of memories surfacing, as well as seeing points left and right, realizing beliefs and thoughts I have carried and allowed to direct me. Floodgates, like I said.

At first I thought it was that the "emotional energy" of sadness and being upset and really emotionally energetically charged was somehow motivating me to actually identify "problems" and address them (so for example be more productive around my apartment or deal with financial stressors, face tasks head on without dragging my feet), whereas most often my "negative energy states" are more of like a "depression" or lead to a "depression" where it's not like anything is identifiably "wrong" but simply I feel apathetic and lethargic (suppressing/repressing what is actually "wrong"?) and then allow myself to BE those things which of course only exacerbates them. So I identified a difference between being "emotional" and being "depressed." But I still haven't really understood what it is to be "depressed," aside from living it out for most of my days. I wrote about it some in DIP Lite the other day, so maybe I will re-look at that and share here soon.

Well, as some of the relief wore off of finally releasing some of this suppressed stuff, and as life continued on as it does, and as reactions to other things came up, I also noticed more reactions on this same topic continuing to come up. Participation in specific thoughts or beliefs, for example. And basically, I suppressed a lot of them. Why? Well obviously I didn't want to face them, and I slapped some reason or another as an excuse for this. "I will write about it later," or, "I will wait until I have more information," or, "I am tired and have been working so hard," or just, "no, I don't want to look at that right now."

And what I notice is that my motivation is slowing down, I am going back to feeling kind of "clogged" and lacking "clarity" and feeling more bogged down in terms of the things I have to accomplish, tending more toward negative depressed energies of apathy, where now when I see "problems" I want to just hide from them/myself rather than actually face them within the realization that it feels really great to let these things go and direct myself through them, to take responsibility for myself.

So I see that it is important to continue to face myself in every thought and belief and other mind-thing that comes up. I realize how important my private self writing is for this, where not everything is necessarily "a great blog post topic" but everything definitely IS a point of equal importance to face and walk through self forgiveness. A continuation (but not culmination!) of things I have been identifying through my resistance to writing and experiences of depression/apathy here over the past 4 months.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to suppress my reactions as my thoughts, beliefs, backchats, fears, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically like close the floodgates and dam myself up again, to bottle it all up again, when one of the many things I have realized in my self writing in this last week is just how consequential bottling myself up is. So now I am simply continuing to learn/realize that, and having the opportunity to apply it -- cool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my motivation/productivity/determination "wearing off" and to become defeated and deflated in this like it is beyond my control and now it is "back to normal" and "well at least that was nice while it lasted."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritable and self-centered/selfish as a consequence of what I am suppressing, like "I'm busy pushing things down, so leave me alone/I can't focus on you right now; what the fuck do you WANT from me??"

I realize that my motivation/productivity/determination is an energetic state just like my depression/apathy/resistance/evasion/complacency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this polarity where I have engaged within and as this positive energy state of feeling really clear and productive, sort of realizing there would probably be a polar consequence / it wouldn't last, but not really doing anything to support myself in that realization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only "see clearly" and be effective in my writing and daily obligations/responsibilities when I feel this positive energy.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress so much of myself in the first place -- although how great that it has facilitated this lived learning.

I see/realize here that suppression is seemingly thoroughly intertwined with experiences of depression, apathy, complacency, resistance, and evasion.

-- short break to write out some private SF I had been suppressing the last few days --

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to take seriously the task that is in front of me as this point to assist and support myself in following through on walking the points that have been suggested to me to clear these points and also to write out points that come up as thoughts and beliefs and emotions as they come up, but instead push them aside and continue to suppress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist this and within resistance I have suppressed the subsequent reactions which have come up, and within this suppression I have justified within the belief that maybe it will just pass, maybe I will just get over it, the passage of time will make it go away, I am already over it, look, I don't even care anymore.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resort to not caring / apathy when I see that I am resisting facing a point, where the reason I am resisting is because the point is important and I do care and I am invested in walking this point and finding a solution to support myself, but I am afraid of failing at this and I am afraid too of seeing myself and seeing my ugliness within the point, realizing what I have accepted and allowed within myself, so I avoid it and resist it and come up with excuses/justification to resist and avoid.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that "clarity" in my writing and in seeing myself comes with proverbially opening the floodgates, with actually allowing myself to see, to not suppress, to face what is here in front of me -- that when I do this, the water flows, the words flow, and I can see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared in a way of how much comes rushing out when I allow myself to release it, not realizing that if I had never suppressed it in the first place, it could/would be a slow and steady flow: stable.

I see an analogous connection here to like a yoga flow, flowing in and out of and through postures with one breath, one movement, flowing with and through reality as life, as symbiosis with all life, flow in doing what must be done based on reality, where water does not flow through a rock or is not stopped by a rock, but flows over or around it - adjusting and continuing to flow fluidly; or like how water in the depths of the ocean can appear to stand still but is in fact always moving and flowing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck, to dam(n) myself with suppression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become positively energetically charged when the words flow and the water flows and I feel that I am seeing myself and facing myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become PROUD when I take responsibility for myself, where it is like I am patting myself on the back and thanking myself for doing this, but then am also taking it a step further and feeling powerful and prideful and even invincible like, wow, I am really doing this, I can face anything, I can take on the world!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my heart rate to increase with excitement of opening the floodgates and releasing the blockage and letting it out, and to allow my increased heart rate then to move me in increased momentum where then I am like "on a roll" so that I am moving into a positive polarity charge of the experience of writing myself out = not stable, not here.


When and as I see myself resisting writing and feeling "unclear," I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I feel unclear, then clearly I may be suppressing. I realize that if I am resisting writing myself, then I am resisting seeing myself. I commit myself to asking myself if there is anything I am choosing not to see, if there is anything I am degrading the importance of or claiming does not matter, if there is anything I am suppressing and ignoring. I commit myself to writing this out for myself on whatever platform to assist and support myself in seeing and taking responsibility for myself.

When and as I see myself setting aside points that come up in resistance to seeing them and therefore suppression, I stop and I breathe. I realize that suppression has far reaching consequences in my body and mind. I am beginning to see a strong connection between suppression and depression, and how within suppression I am obviously not taking responsibility for myself, and within justifying this I will have to tell myself that I cannot take responsibility for myself -- I will have to tell myself that this experience is "happening to me," denying that I am creating it through suppression. I realize that when I have suppressed in this past week alone I have become more irritable, more apathetic, and felt in less control of myself. So I commit myself again to writing out the points that come up that I want to ignore, to recognize their importance as defining me if I do not face them.

When and as I see myself entering a positive energetic state as a result of releasing suppression, I stop and I breathe. I realize this is a polar opposite energy experience, and as such it will have consequences in terms of instability and continued vacillation of energetic states. I realize that I am here to make myself stable, to take responsibility for myself in self honesty, not to create and manifest for myself positivity as motivation to be effective, but to simply be effective within and as myself as my own self directive principle. I commit myself to continuing to investigate how this positive polarity exists within the dynamic of suppression, depression, and mania. I commit myself to consistency and reliability within myself in facing myself and supporting myself, so that the water may have a steady flow. I commit myself to breathe and support myself in self honesty in each and every moment, and to direct myself to write when and as I can.



I can see that this topic is quite relevant to the second-to-last point within my series on "Showing Up for Myself," which can be viewed here:
Showing Up for Myself - Day 83
Showing Up for Myself Part 1: lONEliness - Day 85
Showing Up for Myself Part 1.5: Abandoning Myself through Participation in My Mind - Day 86
Showing Up for Myself Part 2: Walking Through Points in Writing & the Writing Process - Day 87

Showing Up for Myself Part 3: Self Support through Reading Blogs - Day 89
Showing Up for Myself Part 4: Am I Doing a Good Job? - Day 91

Routines as "Rules" - Day 94

I have established for myself some kind of "rules" in terms of how to schedule/prioritize my time/activities, and last night I noticed how some of these "rules" are actually not self supportive in any way.

One of the "rules" / habits I have established lately has been to prioritize my writing early on in the day/afternoon so as to free up my evening to "relax" where "relax" usually means do things that aren't very productive, but can also mean to not have to endure the self-imposed pressure of still having my writing ahead of me while doing other things regardless of how productive they are (so, ability to "relax" in these activities in the sense that I am not worrying about still having to write).

So first of all this is really just a manipulation of myself in order to continue to get around / not face myself in my relationship to writing and this process, where it is still like a "chore" and also an "obligation" and obviously there is still resistance (and as I have read as shared by others, this resistance never really goes away, so, what to do?), where if I were to actually face myself within this relationship I would be able to redefine for myself what it means to write and what it means to walk this process daily in such a way that I would not be placing pressure on myself and would not have to manipulate myself into escaping the experience of that pressure, but would simply stop it. So this is an interesting point to continue to notice and figure out.

But the "rule" that really stood out to me yesterday came after multiple hours sitting at my computer diligently writing out self forgiveness and commitments in reflection of just a few hours at a concert. After so many hours, I eventually became hungry. However, I have created for myself a habit / "rule" of waiting to eat until I am ready to "relax," because I have for years and years habitually eaten meals in front of the TV while watching a TV show. This has had multiple consequences in terms of my relationship to food consumption, including a lack of awareness of myself as I am eating, as well as increased incidence of binge eating behavior as, if the TV show is still playing, I still want to eat.

So what happened last night was that I became hungry, but I wasn't yet finished with my writing. And because of my rule/routine about eating as an indulgent/relaxation behavior coupled with the indulgent/relaxation behavior of watching TV, I "could not" simply grab a snack, or take a quick break to eat, or even eat while I continued to write, because then my routine of eating while watching my current TV show would be sabotaged, and also I feared that then, "when" I did finally watch my show, I would want to eat more. ("When" because I expect that I will watch (at least) one episode per day; however, I did not end up watching an episode last night, nor have I today. Nonetheless this is the general expectation that I almost always fit into my schedule, and then find a new TV show when I am finished with one.)

So I was neglecting my body, which became hungry, and I even began to develop a headache. I also became impatient and irritable through my hunger and other physical experiences as consequences of that hunger. I therefore also experienced diminished concentration on what I was writing, so that the quality of my writing suffered. So I was ineffective overall, as a result of following my "rules" as routines / habits.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ignore and neglect my physical body as the signals that my stomach was sending to my brain that it needed nourishment and was hungry for food.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify this within my participation in my routine / "rule" of only eating while I watch TV, and only watching TV after I am done with my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to habitually engage in an activity, such as watching TV, which is mindless, sedentary, and allows me to zone out, such that I often become / feel ineffective after engaging in this activity, and as such have established within myself that I should not / will not expect myself to do anything productive once I decide to engage in this activity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically waste time while watching TV and within my belief about myself and my efficacy during and after engaging in this activity, waste all of the time that comes after watching TV.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop and continue the routine/habit of sitting in front of the TV while I eat meals -- which began first in my family meal eating experiences -- such that now this is like a "rule" inasmuch as it is something I "follow," like simply "the way it is" or "the way I eat meals," without challenging / directing myself to change this, even within consideration of my realizations about mindless/conscious eating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my physical body through delaying eating to such an extent that consequences arose in the form of pain, irritability, and a lack of concentration -- more signals my body was shouting at me to feed it.

I forgive myself therefore that I accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as my mind as my ego and power to control my body, to override my body through my self interest to continue to write and uphold my "rules" / routines, to not exist within and as the physical, within oneness and equality in self support of my body as life as myself, so not support myself when it is clearly communicated to me by myself how and when I should be supporting myself as my body as meeting its physical needs.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to continue to write even within this energetic possession of irritability and stubbornness, not allowing myself even to partake in a snack but instead to willfully as my ego push through denying my body of its substantial needs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inflexible, stubborn, and obsessive in following my "rules" as my routines as what I am used to doing and have established for myself as "what I do" and "how I behave" and "what my schedule looks like" rather than being one and equal with the physical as whatever needs arise in my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disrespect my physical body through negligence and ignorance and denial of needs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to establish "rules" and routines which I allow to direct me as I follow them rather than directing and following myself in self honesty in the present moment as what needs require to be satisfied.


When and as I see myself neglecting my physical body as ignoring what it is communicating to me through sensations such as hunger, pain, tiredness, etc., I stop and I breathe. I realize that I as my body have specific physical needs to sustain myself, be healthy, and function optimally. I realize that what I neglect in my body has consequences in my mind, such as mood shifts into irritability, just as what I neglect/ignore/suppress in my mind has consequences in my body = I am one. I commit myself to listening to what my body is communicating and to provide for myself that which my body needs for me as a whole living person to function and be healthy.

When and as I see myself engaging in routines as like "rules" to follow, I stop and I breathe. I realize within this I am automated and am giving my self directive principle over to my habitual behaviors. I realize that there is no routine besides breathing in, and then breathing out, that is self supportive to follow absolutely without variance or divergence. I realize that sometimes -- often -- there are demands in reality which require me to diverge from my "rules" as established routines. I realize too that some of my routines keep me locked in to unsupportive behaviors such as becoming "zoned out" or wasting time. I commit myself to challenging myself to break free from these routines, to not prioritize engaging in these behavior patterns on a daily or regular basis.

Building Self-Support: Self-Supportive Writing Self Forgiveness - Day 31

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write in any way that is not self-supportive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself within my relationship to writing for self-support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write from the starting-point of having something to publish every day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within recognition of my starting-point being to have something to publish every day, persist and continue with my actions from that starting point rather than stopping, breathing, and re-aligning myself with a self-supportive best-for-all starting-point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when and as I see myself not fully understanding or grasping something, or not fully seeing something. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect myself to already know, to already see, to already understand, to already grasp. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give myself the time and patience and space to learn. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set such high expectations for myself that are impractical and unsupportive of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when I do not meet these expectations, further participating within a lack of support for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that clarity is something that either is or isn't on the basis of things that I cannot control, that I do not create clarity, that I do not have to work in order to see clearly. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that clarity is a mechanism of my mind rather than within my breath.

I forgive myself for continually accepting and allowing myself to write from and as my mind rather than from, as, within, and through my breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to face resistance from the starting-point of having something to publish every day rather than from the starting-point of directing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify all of my struggles within writing as "resistance" to where, after applying that label, I do not look any closer at what is actually happening within me and instead chalk it up to "resistance" within which I blame myself and judge myself for resisting and identify the only solution as being to force myself through a grueling process of writing from a starting-point of self-judgment, ego, pride, shame, confusion, and mind energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write in my blog for the purpose of publishing for the purpose of appearing consistent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write in my blog for the purpose of publishing for the purpose of appearing smart.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to write for myself to support myself as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste hours in front of my computer struggling to write even when I am going about writing in an unsupportive way and even when there are other activities which would be more self-supportive than writing from a non self-supportive starting point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write and publish some posts which are not completely self-honest but are approximations to self-honesty, and to within this think that "no one but myself can really know if this is honest, and therefore I can get away with this," within this not realizing that my writing is first and foremost for myself and therefore I am deceiving and manipulating myself when and as I write anything that is not completely self-honest in that moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, thinking that I should be able to write easily and because it is not easy I suck and am wrong. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to this with negative emotional feeling-states about and toward myself, rather than looking at the lack of ease and clarity within myself and investigating what I might actually be doing "wrong," ie identify my starting point and re-align myself with self-support and what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself in the vast array of ways available to support myself, not only through writing, but also through my breath, through taking care of my obligations, through research, through engaging in activities that I enjoy, through exercise, etc.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write in my blog from the starting point of having something to publish to where if I don't have anything in particular that I want to write about, I will find something and deem it suitable and then basically make up a blog about this topic even though it is not a topic that is supportive of myself and the writing is not supportive of myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write about simple day-to-day interactions and points within myself to where I see these as minor, unimportant, and uninteresting (external/other judgment), and then pressure myself to come up with something grand to write about.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write or pre-write in ways that are beneficial to me in formulating my words in ways that are self-supportive or in identifying patterns or identifying what I am participating within and as, who I am in that moment, so that I can take that writing and apply it within my JTL writing.

When and as I see myself writing from and as a non self-supportive starting-point, I stop and I breathe. I realize that there is no point in writing if it is not for the support of myself. I realize that I am in a way "torturing" myself by pushing myself to write self-honestly when my starting point is not self-honest, because here I face confusion, aimlessness, hopelessness, blame, and self-judgment while at the same time forcing myself to engage in the activity that is triggering all of these reactions without recognizing my practical participation in these reactions by my actual participation in writing from a non self-supportive starting-point. I commit myself to really stop and breathe. I commit myself to do something else for a little while if I need to, to "clear my mind" and also to be productive in another area of my life (not to just watch tv or eat). I commit myself to re-align myself with supporting myself within self-honesty and self-responsibility. I commit myself to return to my writing to either write about what I have just faced/walked within myself within my attempt to bring myself back to supporting myself when and as I see myself not supporting myself, or to write about whatever else comes up for me as appropriate to write about. I commit myself to support myself by being patient with myself, gracious with myself, understanding of myself, genuinely trying to understand myself, without judgment, and forgiving myself for what I see in myself so that I can release myself from these patterns and will no longer engage within and as the friction/energy/push-pull/dance. I commit myself to see how I am these patterns because I create these patterns and how I create myself in every moment in every breath. I commit myself to create myself anew from self-honesty within self-responsibility for self-support.

Building Self-Support: Facing My Relationship with Writing in My Blog -- Day 30

A point that I have been wanting to open up for a little while now is that of self-support within my relationship to writing this blog.

30 days ago I made half-decision to start writing in here every day. I say "half-decision" because it isn't anything I declared to anyone, even myself. It didn't take long, however, for the accumulation of days to feel like notches on a belt, and I wanted more notches. I wanted to "be serious" about this, but more than that I wanted to "look serious," and I wrote a lot about how my ego was coming into play in my writing to where I felt like I was being quite fraudulent and I was writing for purposes of grandiosity. I wrote my way through that, but I continued to experience various energetic charges in relation to my writing. Part of why I am choosing to focus on self-support in my blog and sort of thematically within myself is to build a solid foundation for myself, because already I have experienced multiple times where I have gotten "ahead of myself" or sort of "flown too high" to where I end up then feeling unsteady and unaware, or falling hard. So sometimes the words would just really flow, and I would feel really free and open and like I was seeing really clearly. This was and is exhilarating. It's like a feeling that I can do anything, I can take on anything, I'm flying. Then I would also have times where the words were sluggish ooze that made no sense and my mind seemed muddled and my concentration was all over the place and these times were really quite difficult, because within them I have felt incapable and stupid, and I have judged myself for my seeming incapacity to see and write clearly.

Many of the times that I have had the latter experience I have identified the experience as a kind of resistance to where I have seen it as most supportive if I can push through the resistance and write in spite of the resistance, but within this my focus has almost always been on publishing what I write so as to appear consistent to others. Some of the times that I have had the latter experience, I could not honestly identify it as an experience of resistance because I felt stable, or I had other things that I identified as more important and more pertinent to self-support than writing through a muddled experience of myself. But my self-inflicted pressure for publishing remained, and I would struggle for hours trying to come up with words that seemed "good enough" which is to say that of course they were not self-honest because my whole point within writing them was to publish them not for myself but for the appearance of consistency, to where "good enough" meant that they sounded close enough to being self-honest, and after all, after a certain point, who can judge if they are really self-honest other than myself? And so I knowingly deliberately would engage in writing words that were not supportive of myself with the sole purpose of keeping up appearances. This is not to say that what I had written at these times was exactly a lie, and in fact I usually would write multiple posts in a night and only publish the one that seemed to be the closest approximation to self-honest clarity I could find in all of those attempts. But it is to say that the writing was not as self-supportive as other activities may have been for me at that moment, and it is also to say that the only reason I wrote rather than doing one of those other self-supportive activities was to have something to publish.

Here I see an opportunity to judge myself, to say that I should be able to write with clarity every day and that if I were really being self-honest then words would flow and I would walk points in my writing with ease and blah blah blah everything should be easy and because it's not, I suck and am doing things wrong.

It would be great if I was adept enough with these tools to write self-honestly every day, or to push through the resistance in a self-honest and supportive way every day. But the fact of the matter is that there are many ways to support myself and many ways to gain stability, and if, within genuine self-honesty, any of these ways seem more fitting on any given day than trying to push myself through the grueling process of writing about aspects of myself that I don't understand and therefore lack clarity, then I should engage in those ways as my daily dose of desteni.

So here I see that my relationship to my blog has become a kind of character or personality to where I limit myself within my judgments of and about myself and my writing, to where when I write within this character/personality it is impossible to really be self-honest. I see that I want to write about this character or personality but in fact I have a very limited understanding of these concepts! And so we have an example of how I might normally take on this subject within my limited understanding in pushing myself to write some grandiose post from the starting point of "that's a good topic to write about, I should write about that" rather than the starting point of experiencing the personality/character and then facing it, or the starting point of learning about the concept and then looking at myself to see it and face it.

And here just last night I had an experience wherein I was writing only to have something to publish, to where I was already originally struggling to write a blog post, then had a phone conversation with my brother, then decided to use the topic of that conversation as the theme of my post from the starting point of having something to publish so that I could remain consistent in daily publishing (note that this is not a desire to remain consistent in daily writing, which could be done without publishing). So I actually was not looking at the content of the conversation and myself within the topic of the conversation with much self-honesty, but instead was looking at what I could pull from the conversation to write some self-forgiveness on to form a post that I could publish.

Within honesty within myself I would have probably best supported myself either by writing in a free format for myself without the intention of publishing as a way to process the conversation, the content of the conversation, and my reactions, OR I could have simply gone to bed as it was a good time to go to bed and really that was what I wanted to do and what made most sense to support myself.

So I see how engaging with this "personality/character," even without fully understanding the concept of a personality/character, is in fact the opposite of supportive of myself within self-honesty and self-responsibility: engaging in my writing within and as what I have defined as this personality/character is self-sabotage and self-abuse, to where I am exercising and practicing my writing from a starting point that is not aligned with what is best for all and therefore am strengthening this personality/character, and I am judging myself to where I am accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as inept, incapable, stupid, and a failure for not having clarity within my writing.

I do have to wonder if I will ever always have clarity in my writing, and I have to watch myself for using a lack of clarity as a reason to "support myself" in some way other than writing in any given moment. I am sure that some of the most self-supportive writing sometimes or maybe even often comes out of an initial lack of clarity and then a breakthrough within the writing to self-honesty and self-responsibility. However, as I am building self-support, I want to re-prioritize some of my focus to where when and as I see myself really struggling within a blog post to where I see that my primary motivation for writing is to publish for consistency rather than to actually honestly look at a point within myself, I can move to other forms of self-support to assist myself in gaining stability within self-honesty and self-responsibility. Within this, I suspect that I will then have a much easier time returning to my writing from a starting point of self-support through self-honesty and self-responsibility.

1. Focus on my breath and my self-support in daily lived application 
2. Focus on supporting myself in daily living (a post to come delineating what this practically means) 
3. DIP Lite 
4. Write for me 
• Which may or may not include this blog 
5. Consume desteni material 
• Via articles and videos and interviews 
• Read other blogs that seem supportive to me and learning to trust myself 
6. Assess and integrate what I learn through taking notes and organizing material into a framework that makes sense for me 
7. Reach out and participate on the forums 

I think that it will also be important for me to eradicate the tendency to identify all instances wherein I "struggle" within my writing as merely "resistance" and to specify the times that I am really trying to write but am just not having what I experience as "success" in "cutting through the bullshit" to really see the points and myself honestly and clearly. Here I can see if I am not writing to support myself, and I can try to look at the starting point of my writing. Maybe often it will come up that my starting point is the desire to publish every day, but maybe within this process of looking at myself I will discover other starting points I did not realize or see that are also hindering my ability to write in a way that supports myself.


Thanks to Kristina for this supportive post.

Writing On and Through Resistance - Day 5

I have now started 4 different blog posts this evening in an attempt to write today. I have given up for lack of clarity, lack of focus, and feelings of incapability in addressing and facing the various topics effectively and productively. I have allowed myself to be distracted, or to accomplish other tasks first. I have even allowed myself to give up, reasoning that technically I already wrote today since my last blog was written around 3am, and my next DIP Lite lesson isn't even available until technically tomorrow. But this also means that technically I didn't write yesterday. Does this mean that I HAVE to write? No. Does it mean, however, that I am making excuses NOT to write? Yes. And what was one of the first lessons I learned with Desteni? To write, and if facing resistance to writing: write about that. So I will face this resistance now and I will write, and I will publish what I write, not in an effort to make a habit out of forcing something out that is not meaningful, but in an effort to make a habit of pushing through resistance, of not giving up, of not making excuses.

The paramount shitty thing about this is that I want to go to bed soon, and I wanted to finish my TV show and eat a cookie, and now I have more distractions piling up on me from either tasks I forgot I also had to do or people who want to talk to me. And so by delaying on writing, and especially by momentarily giving myself permission not to write, I am stuck here, rushing through writing so as to fit in these other obligations and time-consuming activities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse myself from pushing through my resistance due to a time-stamp technicality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse myself from pushing through my resistance just because I've been writing about some pretty heavy shit and I believe I deserve a break.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt the importance of what I write because it does not seem like it will be as important as what I wrote last night. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that any part of my process is less or more important than any other part of my process. Within this I commit myself to realize if and when I am sticking to easy subjects as a way of avoiding more difficult ones, even though both subjects hold equal importance within my process. It's all about self-honesty in the starting point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tentative within my writing and be unsure of what subject about which I want to write. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get halfway through a blog and then scrap it in frustration for lack of ease.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let a lack of clarity or focus seem bigger than me when I am the one who creates clarity and creates focus.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conclude that I am incapable of addressing a topic effectively and productively just because I am facing resistance to writing. Within this I do commit myself to only address a topic when I am able to direct myself to focus effectively and productively, but not to give up on writing altogether if not and instead to write about a topic I can address, such as the resistance itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become distracted by impulsive urges, a need for encouragement, a desire for a cookie, desire for some other activity, or communication from other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on writing at all tonight and assuming that tomorrow I will feel more capable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not complete every item on my to-do list, even if some of those uncompleted items are purely for my enjoyment. For example, I have had painting on my to-do list for a number of nights recently and I have yet to make any kind of art whatsoever. But I guess even that is not purely enjoyment, just as watching a TV show is not purely enjoyment. One is enriching, one is productive, one is stimulating, one is expressive; whereas the other is a distraction, the other is a way of escaping, a way of zoning out, a way of feeding an addiction, a way of existing in an alternate reality. And yet I have managed to watch plenty of my TV show.

So within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when creating a to-do list, in my mind imagine two activities such as painting and watching my TV show as being interchangeable as far as level of accomplishment if I get to cross them off.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time watching a TV show when I could exchange that time for something more productive that I also want to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put off and forget to do the favor my mom asked of me. I need to do that next, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay on this writing process which is important to me to accomplish every day, when I have had the majority of my day to accomplish this task.

It's interesting to me to see how within this writing process I am beginning to struggle with priorities and time management primarily due to the resistance factor. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my resistance move me.