Writing On and Through Resistance - Day 5

I have now started 4 different blog posts this evening in an attempt to write today. I have given up for lack of clarity, lack of focus, and feelings of incapability in addressing and facing the various topics effectively and productively. I have allowed myself to be distracted, or to accomplish other tasks first. I have even allowed myself to give up, reasoning that technically I already wrote today since my last blog was written around 3am, and my next DIP Lite lesson isn't even available until technically tomorrow. But this also means that technically I didn't write yesterday. Does this mean that I HAVE to write? No. Does it mean, however, that I am making excuses NOT to write? Yes. And what was one of the first lessons I learned with Desteni? To write, and if facing resistance to writing: write about that. So I will face this resistance now and I will write, and I will publish what I write, not in an effort to make a habit out of forcing something out that is not meaningful, but in an effort to make a habit of pushing through resistance, of not giving up, of not making excuses.

The paramount shitty thing about this is that I want to go to bed soon, and I wanted to finish my TV show and eat a cookie, and now I have more distractions piling up on me from either tasks I forgot I also had to do or people who want to talk to me. And so by delaying on writing, and especially by momentarily giving myself permission not to write, I am stuck here, rushing through writing so as to fit in these other obligations and time-consuming activities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse myself from pushing through my resistance due to a time-stamp technicality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse myself from pushing through my resistance just because I've been writing about some pretty heavy shit and I believe I deserve a break.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt the importance of what I write because it does not seem like it will be as important as what I wrote last night. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that any part of my process is less or more important than any other part of my process. Within this I commit myself to realize if and when I am sticking to easy subjects as a way of avoiding more difficult ones, even though both subjects hold equal importance within my process. It's all about self-honesty in the starting point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tentative within my writing and be unsure of what subject about which I want to write. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get halfway through a blog and then scrap it in frustration for lack of ease.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let a lack of clarity or focus seem bigger than me when I am the one who creates clarity and creates focus.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conclude that I am incapable of addressing a topic effectively and productively just because I am facing resistance to writing. Within this I do commit myself to only address a topic when I am able to direct myself to focus effectively and productively, but not to give up on writing altogether if not and instead to write about a topic I can address, such as the resistance itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become distracted by impulsive urges, a need for encouragement, a desire for a cookie, desire for some other activity, or communication from other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on writing at all tonight and assuming that tomorrow I will feel more capable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not complete every item on my to-do list, even if some of those uncompleted items are purely for my enjoyment. For example, I have had painting on my to-do list for a number of nights recently and I have yet to make any kind of art whatsoever. But I guess even that is not purely enjoyment, just as watching a TV show is not purely enjoyment. One is enriching, one is productive, one is stimulating, one is expressive; whereas the other is a distraction, the other is a way of escaping, a way of zoning out, a way of feeding an addiction, a way of existing in an alternate reality. And yet I have managed to watch plenty of my TV show.

So within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when creating a to-do list, in my mind imagine two activities such as painting and watching my TV show as being interchangeable as far as level of accomplishment if I get to cross them off.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time watching a TV show when I could exchange that time for something more productive that I also want to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put off and forget to do the favor my mom asked of me. I need to do that next, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay on this writing process which is important to me to accomplish every day, when I have had the majority of my day to accomplish this task.

It's interesting to me to see how within this writing process I am beginning to struggle with priorities and time management primarily due to the resistance factor. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my resistance move me.