Ambivalence and Emotional Energy + Animal Relationships -- Free Write

I'm finished with my current writing section on DIP Lite. I'm trying to read through the next section and take notes on my response. It's going okay. But I need to write... about other things... Blah. I'll probably post some of my interaction with DIP Lite soon though. 

I got offered that job. And that's really awesome. That, coupled with spending a few hours in some sunshine: I was rolling in positive energy today. Great mood. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna take the job, even. Main thing keeping me from freaking out about it right now is that they're totally chill with me giving a full 2 weeks notice AFTER I pass the background check etc., and I already told my boss unofficially. So I don't have to feel like I'm jumping ship on a group of people who have been really good to me, a job that has been really good to me. Plus I have time to embrace the change gradually. And, a small voice says: time to back out. But let's not do that! And let's write about it later if we must. Moving on:

There's a couple things going on right now. One is that I'm absolutely exhausted with the emotional/feeling energy that's coming from a push/pull I'm creating. An ambivalence: what else is new? A like and a dislike. A desire, and at the same time disgust. Maybe not disgust, that's pretty harsh. But I KNOW certain things which I think any other person would see undeniably as a reason for A, and yet I still want B. And this is typical for me. Once B becomes, it is. Once the desire appears, it remains. It's mythologized, idealized. I commit myself and my energy and my loyalty to something that isn't even real. And every interaction is an exhausting dance between these poles, forever trying to figure out where they stand in relation to me (and what they can give me, what I can get from them, how they can make me whole). 

Separate. Not one and equal. Incomplete. So maybe that's the problem.

The weird thing is that one of the things that has persisted in confusing me about desteni is whenever polarities come up. I don't get it. I don't get the solution. Love vs hate: apparently we want neither. So then what DO we want? I'm sure I just don't understand. I'm sure I just don't get it yet. 

But I wonder if my continual struggle with ambivalence and indecision has anything to do with my utter blind spot when it comes to the concept of polarities. Maybe if I can figure out one I can figure out the other.

The other thing that's going on, and that has been going on, is a really ugly frustration with my dog. It makes me feel very ashamed and guilty. I think I know the answer, why she cries and whines. It's obvious and I just ignore it because I feel so ashamed and guilty. She has expensive food. She has plenty of water. She has a million bones, some of them filled with peanut butter and fish oil. She's been outside, she's run around, she's done her business. But she just sits and stares at me and whines. 

And it's obvious. She wants attention. I've been gone all day. She adores me. I'm all she has. But I come home and barely pay attention to her for more than 5 minutes. I take her to my mom's some days to make me feel better, but I know she doesn't get attention there either. It makes me think I shouldn't have a dog. Which is a terrible thought and feeling. It should make me think, OH HEY, play with your dog. The main deterrent there is that she's dirty. She has bad skin, she gets really flaky and oily. I say I can't afford to take her to the groomer, but I can wash her at home, or at least take her to a self-service dog wash. So I'll do that in the morning. 

But anyway. Dogs. Animals. They're us. She is me. I want attention. I do not get the attention I want. I plead for it and it doesn't come. I practically glare at my dog's beautiful eyes when she whines at me and think, "why can't you just be enough for yourself?" I am asking myself that question. And my relationship with my dog has had its ups and downs as far as the closeness I feel with her. I know that when I bond with her, I am bonding with myself. By taking care of her, I am taking care of myself. I am coming home, being home, she is home, I am home. If I am frustrated with her, I can only be frustrated with myself. If she needs me, I need me. So before PETA gets on this I'm gonna publish and give her (me) some love.