Instead I want to look at my continued desire to speed my understanding / comprehension / integration of desteni material in such a way that I, on day 10 of writing self forgiveness statements, before even getting to the self corrective statement section of DIP Lite, feel some need to philosophize deeply and consider multi-dimensional, intricate topics in ways that I hope will seem impressive and assistive to others, without first considering the writing's value to assisting and supporting myself for myself as myself. This is actually exactly what I was running up against when trying to write about self-trust: I saw myself writing words I myself did not understand as if I did understand them. Like all those papers I wrote in college that got 4.0s when I didn't even read the material!
Here I live:
- pride
- arrogance
- impatience
- fraudulence
- co-dependency
- self-manipulation
- dishonesty
And now I am smiling in amusement at my own audacity and the realization of this action or desire for action in contrast to how I define myself, which is not as a person who is arrogant, not as a person who seeks power, not as a person who seeks fame or laud or status. Ohhh, but I am, here I see, and I never let myself see before!
What's the deal here? Who do I want to be, and who am I trying to not be? In creating this persona, from what am I running?
It's so confusing to me how I can exist within and as this and yet also within and as so many other much more "negative" experiences of myself, such as depression, self-doubt, self-victimization, etc. How can I be so full of self-doubt while at once being so arrogant as to think I have all the answers?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speed ahead in this process, as if I don't have every single day, every single breath, ahead of me to walk diligently, patiently, carefully, slowly, and honestly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am or can be some kind of "game-changer." I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "crash the party"...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am some great, awesomely intelligent, insightful, influential being who is here to distribute answers off the top of my head.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am special and exceptional.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live out my pride and ego within explorations of self-honesty.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to just take it slow and focus on easily identifiable areas wherein I need to forgive myself and take responsibility. This rushing is promoting anxiety and self-doubt; diminishing self-trust or ability to cultivate self-trust.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speed ahead my current placement within DIP Lite in such a way that I feel unstable in what I write and say, because I'm basically making shit up sometimes in order to keep up with my ego and/or my perception of how I should be / what I should say. How can I possibly trust myself here?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to break my commitment to myself to make DIP Lite a priority within my process and to continue to try to write on my blog in a way that is not for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a fraud.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist self-honesty through accepting and allowing myself to manufacture an ideal presentation through my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to writing this with a fear of publishing it. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to these words of self-honesty with shame.
Finding a little more clarity and calm in my DIP lite writing on this:
ReplyDeleteSo, I made a post on the forum about self-trust and got some cool support and found an article on the topic and decided I would try to write about it. I spent a good maybe 2 hours writing on it before realizing that the probable reason I felt so stuck was that I wasn't really being self-honest within what I was writing; I was manufacturing some kind of info sheet that I imagined people referring to with all kinds of impressed feelings. I was living in a delusion of my own grandeur. This is really confusing to me because at least half the time I experience beliefs about myself, they are really quite "negative" in regards to depression, self-doubt, guilt, worthlessness, powerlessness, etc. So I don't really understand how I can also go into a personality that believes myself to be great and special and exceptional and powerful.
There's a lot I don't understand and want to understand and I find myself trying to write definitive essays on various topics when I don't even know the first thing about that topic rather than seeking understanding patiently, humbly, honestly.
So I set it aside and instead I wrote in my blog about my delusion of grandeur and how I never really saw before but can see now through my behavior that I have lived as a person who wants laud and fame and status as some kind of insightful highly intelligent influential being. I guess I HAVE known this but it's always been under some other layers of knowing, where I haven't fully admitted it even though I have moved myself within and through it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put forth so much time and energy into writing things that aren't self-honest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get all excited about all the different topics I have ideas on what to write about, not realizing that I am excited not to learn and discover something new and to forgive myself, but because I imagine these writings as turning into comprehensive references for solid perspective on these topics.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist not as myself but as personalities that I have accepted and allowed within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my eagerness and enthusiasm to manifest in and through impatience, trying to position myself far ahead of where I really am. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set myself up for failure, for hitting walls, for confusion and aimlessness, which will shoot me right back into apathy, complacency, self-doubt, and helplessness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see without really seeing this personality within me, and to let this personality move me without even being fully aware of it or cognizant of its existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be all or nothing, to either try to write some grand blog post, or want to write nothing at all. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just stick to some basic "baby steps" of learning this process and learning myself and learning self-trust. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to "run a marathon" when I haven't even "trained."