Friend: Ummm, I'm feeling thai, and a bike ride. Let's bike to thai, perhaps a different one...
Me: Okee! Good thing I'm not feeling something else. :P
Friend: Are you?
Me: No. Nothing in particular. I'm projecting actually, assuming something based on past interpretations/experiences, whoaaa.
On the one hand it was cool that I advocated for myself by mentioning in a roundabout way that there might be something else I'd like to do, and does that matter? And I got a great, reaffirming response, which was asking if there in fact was anything else I'd like to do, because it does matter (real-life reward for actually speaking up for myself rather than shutting down and feeling down).
But then I pretty quickly realized how I was reacting actually primarily to ONE word my friend said, which was "feeling," as in what that person "feels like" doing, which came up in a previous experience with another individual wherein I felt that individual displayed deceptive behavior toward me and I allowed myself to remain hopeful of that person's deceitful words rather than what was actually happening, which was that that person wasn't interested. Basically, a drama that played out so many months ago that I had a really hard time getting over. So I was experiencing the emotional/energetic charge from a previous interaction, which I identified as implied rejection and blatant deception, that I've been holding onto in some form for months in resentment and confusion, and projecting it onto this friend in reaction to a trigger word he had no idea he said.
Again, lots of reactions going on here to take me out of reality. I feel like I'm fumbling through this one, but that's okay.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project past emotions and fears onto a new situation with a new person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself and my self worth enough to accept and allow myself to, in the past, hang out with and desire intimacy with people who do not show me respect. I have sought relationships with these people in part because they affirm my preconceived notions about myself, making it easier for me to exist in my mind, and in part because, within those preconceived notions about myself, I conceive them as being worthy of my admiration and I would be lucky and special if they wanted me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as worthless and to not show myself respect in many areas of my life, including my relationship choices.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer viewing myself as inferior over viewing a real situation as not good for me, wherein if a dynamic seems unhealthy, I must be the one who is wrong. Big family history on this one, I'll have to get into that.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let one word or phrase trigger an emotional reaction in me because it reminds me of a specific interaction wherein I accepted and allowed myself to not take self-responsibility for my well-being within that relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when presented with evidence of one thing, believe and hope and imagine something else.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto my resentment and anger and confusion about an interaction that occurred half a year ago so much so that for the first few months it occupied the majority of my thoughts, and even still it interferes with my ability to remain present within my present interactions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto resentment and anger and confusion as a way of playing the role of the victim, abdicating responsibilities left and right because I feel too depressed or upset over some past event to properly deal with today, here, now. For a while, this specific past interaction was practically all I accepted and allowed myself to focus on. Before that, there were other specific past interactions that I would hyper-focus on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect negative memories of abandonment/rejection to recur in new situations, fear them, and react to innocent interactions in such a way that I become a person others might want to abandon/reject.
In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to COLLECT these memories, memories from years and years of various failed friendships and relationships, holding onto them as central points of my identity and why I am the way I am and why it's okay that I am the way I am, not realizing it is not who I have to be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in the past, utilize the sharing of these memories as a way to gain sympathy and pity from potential new friendships and relationships and as a way to inspire a savior of me in another person, hoping they will pity me enough to want to swoop me up and take care of me and I will finally get some respite and relief from all the pain I have been accepting and allowing myself to carry around. Drop it! I don't need it. I will take care of me. Relief is here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize these memories not only as validation for why I am the way I am, but as contradictory evidence to make it that much more impressive that I am a responsible, charming, successful member of society. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to possess multiple split personalities that are both inferior, depressed, & less-than, and superior, confident, & better-than.
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